it is so much easier said than done to tell you just over look BM. I have found through personal experience when BM's nit pick things they do it because they themselves are guilty of something much larger. Now as for you picking SS up and dropping him off that needs to be left to your H to do. When my H and I were dating there was a period with his work where I had to pick up SS and drop him off and I had to deal with the BM. As soon as I would turn on her road the overwhelming anxiousness would hit me like a ton of bricks. I would dread it all day but once I hit her road I would almost throw up I would be so tore up. Our BM is a straight up HAG and that is being very nice about it. Once H got it worked out where he could be the one to go get SS and drop him off it got so much better. your H knows the BM just about better than anyone and I hate to be mean when I say this but she is his problem and not yours. He should be the one dropping SS back off at his mom's. The only time I pick SS if it is something come up and H cannot get to him on time or I am picking him up at school and I do not encounter BM there. And as sure as I am typing your SS will go back and tell BM things about yall and he will tell yall things about BM. Every stepparent I have ever personally talk to has said the same thing. I work with a 45year old woman with skids who are now grown but she was with them since a young age so I get alot of advice and comfort from her and that is one thing she told me is they are gonna talk about you to the other parent no matter how good you are to them. Now I am not sure how your relationship with your SS is. Do you and him get along? Do you love him? I LOVE my SS sooo much and it hurts very bad that at the end of the day no matter how you slice it he is not mine. It hurts to be called about financially and emotionally to take care of him but I am neither mom nor dad and I have no biokids. Your H needs to step up and start dealing with the BM. We only have cell phones and BM only calls H cell phone and if he is outside or in shower and his phone rings and it is her I do not answer it. I avoid all contact with her until it is necessary that I have to see her. I know the feeling of laying awake thinking about what I want to say to BM for all the hateful things she has done and said to H and to SS but what I have realized is it will do no good even if I do say it to her because she does not care. If she did care even remotely she would not be the way she is.

So to wrap it up when it comes to drop offs pick ups and phone calls that involve BM your H needs to handle those not you. You have a BD to take care of and you cannot do that if you are worrying about her and it seems that men can let that crap roll off their backs better than us women can.

I have said it before and I will say it again "being with a man that has a kid by another woman is the hardest thing I have ever done....stepparenting!"

Just like StepG said it really depends on your relationship with SS - if you two are not getting along you may need to disengage, if you all get along just maintain your relationship with ss. As far as BM goes - she has no right to even talk to you. I REFUSE to speak to my skids BM. If she calls my phone she will not get an answer. I fhsse calls the house phone I will hand it to H and if H is not there I will say 'Do you have amessage for H, otherwise I am hangin up' - It is your H's place to let SS know what goes on in your house stays in your house - of course SS will still talk about it to BM and more than likely BM is asking questions about it - but BM should have NEVER come to you with these issues - she has mental problems.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this psycho BM of yours. *hugs* And the fact that your husband went to bed when BM called... he pretty much left you to deal with HIS ex all by yourself. That's a big no no. I would have followed him into the bedroom and made him deal with stupid BM.

Don't let this woman get to you. She is SO not worth anything. She's not worth going to jail for. She's not worth getting sued over. She's not worth a single second of your precious time. I understand that she is making you feel like you're a worthless mother... and she's the better one... but guess what? She's the one who allows drugs in the house with her kid there... she's the one raised a brat and a liar. Are you like that? No. My BM likes to do that with me... except I don't have children. She likes to make me feel like I'm not a real parent because I don't have children of my own yet AND I'm a step parent... because, well, you know, step parents aren't REAL parents after all. Right? Right. And as much as it hurts to have this woman tell me that I'm not a parent and that she's the best mom in the world... I just bite my tongue and turn the other direction. I will not let this woman have power over me and that's what you need to do. You ARE the better woman. You ARE the better mom. You're raising both a child of your own AND HER devil spawn for crying out loud! That takes a lot of strength, patience, and love. Just take a deep breath, wellbutrin... and keep reminding yourself that BM means nothing to you and you will not let her words get to you. Cause that's all she's doing... saying nasty things just to make you shrivel up and cry... or to make you scream and yell back at her. Don't let her have that satisfaction of getting a reaction out of you. I know it's hard. Trust me... we've all been there, girl!

Anyway, I would definitely have a long, hard talk with DH... especially about picking up SS when you don't have to. It's not your son. You have your own daughter to worry about! I remember that I felt that way about helping DH out... I would pick SD8 up when needed... I would feed her, bathe her, keep her entertained... but eventually I felt used and unappreciated... so I stopped. It's DH's child, not mine. HE needs to take care of her just like DH needs to take care of SS.

*hugs* I hope this helps, girl. I've been there... I've been so upset and mad and furious with that wart hog that I cried... but you know what? Save your tears for more important things. Those bitches aren't worth anything, and thinking like that has helped me cope. Don't let BD suffer because of BM. That's what she wants... to ruin your life and your relationships with all the people you love. Don't give her that power.

PS: I love how BM tells you that you hate SS because he looks like her and DH. lmaorofl My BM tried that one on me. I am from the Philippines so I have a hint of oriental in my appearance (though not completely because of my white American dad ) and DH is from Hawaii and has some Chinese blood in him... so he's dark and oriental!

BM is white trash.

SD8 has dark skin... dark hair... dark eyes... BM has pale skin... blonde hair... blue eyes...

yet she turns around and says: "You don't like having SD8 around because she looks like me."

...

.... Excuse me? Where in that child do you see any ressemblence of yourself? If anything, she looks more related to ME. I think that bothers BM a lot.

Anyway! Hope this helps, sweetie! *hugs*

Oh my - you poor thing!! First of all, you are not responsible for this rotten kid - disengage and let your DH deal with him - period!! Secondly, the next time that bitch has the audacity to call you up and start reading you the riot act - put her in her place and say everything you want to - if she isn't pulling any punches then why should you. I am sick and tired of these women thinking they can say anything to us and we just have to sit there and take it because we are the "steparent" - f**k that!! Tell that bitch where to go and how to get there!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

Ive been thru that a thousand time, it even went to a point where my BM testified in court that my ss didnt even have a bed.haha..my ss shares a room with my son. BM kept pushing ss to try and force us to change our guestroom/office into ss room. He use to come to our house crying why cant he have his own room. ALL BM idea..
The boys have been together in the same room for 4 years, and thank goodness because now they are close, They never would of connected if ss was in another room.
One thing that you have to remember is that your ss is only 6 your daughter is only 4. Your ss will say anything his bm wants him to..
He may have just told her, that he didnt like his new bed and she may have pushed him to say things he may have not meant.
It was just not a smooth weekend.
Thru the years, Im a firm believer in having BM email us. There is no reason for putting up with her crap on the phone.
Let her vent insult you do everything in an email, then reply back with the facts. If ever you have to go to court, you can show how hostile she is towards you.
I use always talk to my ss when he returned to my house to clear out the garbage his mother filled him with
I would say his little step sister is only 4 ..shes a baby and he has to be the bigger brother,..how much you love him and this is home, his room, his bed. ..
There is so much stress in these situation and your husband is the one that needs to handle her.
I spent many sleepless nights going over everything in my head, what she said what I said, how she twisted things around. I was even loosing my hair,
BM is just being a bitch and using ss to start a fight.

This is just one things I don't understand about these stories on these boards, and it seems to be a recurring theme.

So I ask:

Did you have SEX with this woman????
Did you have this child with this woman????
Did you have a relationship with this woman????
So WHY on earth do YOU need to be communicating with this woman AT ALL?

You said,
"BM is on the other end chewing my a**. as this is all going on my husbad knew who I was talking to and he got up in the middle and went to bed. GREAT!"

This, girlfriend, is where your problems lie. Right here. Your DH is responsible for dealing with communicating with his ex, and WHERE WAS HE?....

"he went to bed."

You should NEVER answer the phone when it comes to BM. They are NOT YOUR KIDS. She is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You do NOT NEED to be dealing with THIS CRAP.

Do you want the nonsense to stop? Stop answering your phone and let your DH BE A FATHER and deal with his ex.

I said my peace.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

for a hot minute i delat w BM bc she and DH werent getting along and she told him she didnt wanna deal w him anymore. stupidly, i thought, well maybe she will be less hateful to me.
WRONG-O!!!! she was even WORSE of course. it took a couple fights, lots of name calling, banning me form daycare, etc etc etc but now i dont deal w her at ALL. havent even seen her since the last court date last summer. and i dont have to!

dont get me wrong--i still get worked up that DH even has to deal w her but he made his bed and in it he must lie. not my ex, not my problem.

so listen to my wise friend 5teens and STOP DEALING W HER AT ALL! it will do wonders for ur sanity.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

" listen to my wise friend 5teens and STOP DEALING W HER AT ALL! it will do wonders for ur sanity." Dont do the driving either. The child has 2 parents and if they want him to stay at your place let them get him there.

I refuse to talk to the BM too. I won't even answer the phone if she calls, I either hand it to BF or the kids....I don't even say hello. I also never go with on drop offs or pick ups because I can't stand to see her ugly face even if it's 100 feet away. I talked to her once and it wasn't pretty so I just decided to never talk to her again.

that was the way I got BM to stop harassing me, personally. No more phone calls, no more e-mails, no nothing. I even had to disengage alot with the skids, but you know what, it saved me!!! Every time I had to "control" myself, and not take the bait was worth it. It was very hard at first, and did upset the apple cart at home, but tough s#%* for them. It was up to me and only me to put a stop to it, because sadly, I was the only one who cared what was happening to me at that time."~waiting on the world to change~"

My own SS usually takes a couple of weeks before he starts dishing on what occurred at BioDad's during visitation. I have no doubt that he does the same when he is there discussing what goes on in our home.

We try to make sure that there is little of substance for him to bitch about when he is there. About the only thing that he can complain about in our home is the rules and the expectation that he has responsibilities as a member of the family including adequate school performance, treating members of the family with respect and doing what he is asked well and in a timely manner.

He has never played the "do what I want or I won't love you" card or the "do what I want or I am going to live with Dad" card. We let him know early and often that there is not a snowball's chance in hell that he will move in with BioDad because there is not a Judge on the planet that would rule that the environment there is superior to the environment in out home. Soooooo....... he has never pulled that crap with us.

Sorry to hear that your Skid and DH are giving you such fits. It is one thing to get crap from the BM and the Skid and entirely different thing to not get support from you Spouse.

Good luck and best regards,

You fix those beds the way that you want it. Don't ever attempt to justify or explain anything to BM that you do in your home. That is your business and she needs to stay out of it. You have a choice to either make BM happy or make yourself happy so which is it going to be?

And good advice, Sparky!

Don't second-guess yourself, WellB. Do what you think is RIGHT for YOU when it comes to YOUR HOME. This should be your matra:

My home, my space, my business.

And no one else other than you and your DH have a right to say what goes on in your your home. It's actually very simple when you come to think about it.

I'm glad you've come to this new realization. I think it will make your life much more peaceful!

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"