SD can never apologize because I am unapproachable
This is the latest comment from DH regarding the situation with my OSD. I am disengaged from her - NO CONTACT. I want nothing to do with her and DH is back to blaming me.
SD has never tried to make ammends or more importantly - change her behaviour in any way! I just don't care anymore what she does or thinks. I don't even want an apology but DH claims she would love to resolve this but I am unapproachable.
Our marriage and homelife has been relatively peaceful until recently. We sold our summer home that SD and her hubby and kids used to use for FREE in the summer. They would never help with costs nor would they maintain the property - not even cut the grass. This place was costing us thousands a year to sit there waiting for princess to use 2 weeks a year only.
it is finally gone and the guilt trips have started from SD to DH. He falls for it everytime and now said he wishes we never sold the summer home because he knows SD will never be welcome to stay at our new house. Our new house is near the summer home so we had no use for 2 houses within 5 minutes of each other.
Anyway, i just can't believe that after everything that she has done to me and our marriage DH is back to blaming this ALL on me. He is angry - he slept on the couch last night and is not talking to me agian.
Oh and he wants SD's 2 kids to come for 3 days starting this weekend. I was not up for that and said I would compromise and 1 night would be OK. I am not into babysitting SD's kids at all. Frankly I would rather they not come at all but I know that is not really fair to DH.
DH claims I am keeping him from his grandkids - this is not true. He can go to SD's anytime and visit them - I have never caused problems for him to visit them at her house - not ours!
I am soo tired of this yoyo life I have. Why did I marry such a doofus?
That's what I said a while
That's what I said a while ago when he said it. She can email or write a letter if she so despeerately wants to apologize. That is a load of crap as far as I am concerned.
Anything to keep SD as the victim in this mess. Pisses me right off!
Just tell him that she burned
Just tell him that she burned that bridge a long time ago and even though it's a tough life lesson to learn, she needs to learn it. In the reall wolrd, if you abuse someone, they don't stick around.
Stick to your guns.
DH used to say that to me
DH used to say that to me about BabyVoice - "you make her uncomfortable."
AND????????????
I told him I don't "make" anyone feel anything. WE are responsible for our feelings.
Ya well he can go see his
Ya well he can go see his grandkids all he wants - I am not interfering with his special grand children time.
Also, I will not butt out of anything that pertains to our home. DH is not the grand poobah.
^Oh yes!
^Oh yes! }:)
I'm with you, 20years, that 3
I'm with you, 20years, that 3 days with the grandkids is a long time. You were fair to compromise and suggest 1 night. I don't know how old they are, but I know after working all week, I wouldn't want to spend 3 days with little ones. You shouldn't have to apologize for not being up to a 3 day visit.
Shoot I don't want any kid at
Shoot I don't want any kid at my house that long. period. SD needs a babysitter, I'd say no way as well.
It is her house too so why
It is her house too so why didn't her husband ASK her first if it was okay?
Out of respect for his
Out of respect for his partner, I would fully expect my DH to at least ask if I was OK with SD or her kids (if she had them) visiting - just as I would have the same respect for him. And the only way SD will ever cross our doorstep again is if DH informs her in my presence that she is to respect me in my own home. DH has not done this. It is a choice he has made - just as 20year's DH has.
I went through decades of the "making SD uncomfortable" B.S., and finally asked for specifics. DH got that 'deer in the headlights' look on his face and could not come up with once instance. I then told him SD that I COULD come up up with specifics about how SD made me uncomfortable in my own home - and I had witnesses.
20year, I know this seems as if it is a bad re-run, but please stand your ground. I remember what you were put through a couple of years ago. You should never be subjected to it again. Support and (((HUGS)))
Thank you Sandye21. I know
Thank you Sandye21. I know you understand as you have had almost the same words said to you about your rude SD.
I would never invite anyone over for more than 1 night without checking with DH. This includes any and all family members!
It needs to work for both partners, but in my case I will get the cold shoulder until I give in or I give up.
In a way I do give up - my trust and love for DH dwindles every time we have a Step related fight. I look out for me now since he won't support me. I am all I have.
I agree with Sandye, too.
I agree with Sandye, too. I've followed 20yr's story for years.
The situation is as it stands because of her DH's unwillingness to deal with his brat of a daughter for YEARS before the reached poster limit. He is a chronically spineless Disney dad who wants 20yr to go back to being a doormat so that HE can go back to his preferred state of enmeshment. He gave up a few of his so-called rights by allowing his wife to be treated with rudeness, aggression, and disrespect over and over. It is the H who has created this uncomfortable situation, and now he is reaping what he has sown.
I bet the adult miniwife has been applying pressure to dear old dad. That's why he's testing boundaries, and I think it's generous of 20yr to offer a compromise.
I think you are right Exjulie
I think you are right Exjulie - SD is probably laying on the guilt and pressure because her free summer vacation home is gone. Didn't think that through on her part because now she can't freeload at our house for vacations due to her attitude.
If she does want to mend fences, it is only because she wants to use our house for vacations! Nothing more to it.
DH would love to go back to the old days where I am a ghost in the corner - trying to please everyone only to be treated badly by everyone - including DH when he is around his SD.
They are definitely testing the boundaries - it is going to be a rough road in the coming months. Just not sure if I can go through it all again. If DH doesn't back off we may not survive.
I wish it were that simple,
I wish it were that simple, but it isn't. Step toxicity affects grand relationships too, with gskids that are coached to exclude, dislike, and even exploit. A second generation of heartache, but that should be allowed in the poster's home because her H wants what he wants?
I think 20yr has earned the right to say, Let's try one night. She knows the sh!tty track records of her H and his daughter, and caution is a good thing. IF the adult SD is interested in reunification, this will be an opportunity for her to do everything in her power to make the visit a positive one.
My comment: "I am available
My comment: "I am available anytime you want to talk about this situation; but I will not discuss it thru social media, only in person". No discussion to date; my SD is phony.
You see, it's just a show for "Daddy", to make SM look like a "nasty SM". It's called passive aggression and my SD will never stop at this game.
I totally disengaged, in the past years. I do not get involved with any visits or "Family" arrangements. DH can have all the crap he created. It is my DH that brought all of this about; it's his problem. Yes, he pouts, tries to make me feel guilty; it no longer works. I don't feed their games.
I am very territorial and do not want SD in my house either; therefore, I go to the neighboring State to visit my family, once a month, and let them rummage thru my house. I just don't care or think about my grown SD.
LOL - "Are we really going to
LOL - "Are we really going to become a nation that doesn't love and embrace their grandchildren". Really? He can love and embrace HIS grandchildren all he wants. He will probably do exactly what he wants without discussing or compromising because that is the kind of selfish man he is.
I try to compromise but I am still the evil STEP mom - now Grandma. Story of my life in this step situation.
"Kids have to be taught how to say sorry....it is not a simple thing to teach them"
This sentence is ridiculous on the ADULT step forum. she is almost 40 years old FFS. If she doesn't know how to say sorry or find an easy way to do so she has a lot more problems than I care to deal with. I am not molly coddling a 40 year old baby.
I seriously cannot understand why I, the SM is always the villain without knowing how purely evil and manipulative my SD really is.
There are so many reasons I am ambivalent about engaging with the step grandkids besides disrupting my household but I do not care to type all night.
To those that are supportive - THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I feel terrible as it is right now and being told some of the things above has not been helpful to me right now. I am trying to stay strong and confident and not be gas-lighted anymore - by anyone.
The kids are not being
The kids are not being punished - where does that come from?
They were just up 3 weeks ago for 4 days, at the house we just sold, and DH was basically there the whole time having special grand-child time.
I totally agree with you.
I totally agree with you. It's on your husband to make arrangements to enjoy his grandchildren and his plans should not impose on you or your plans. He can take them to a show, go bowling, take them for ice cream and visit at his daughters home. There is no limit to the options available to him.
There is no need to bring a herd of minor children into your home constantly for him to enjoy a relationship with them. The problem is it's more effort for him if he sees them outside of his home because if he visits in your home he has you there as backup for cleanup cooking and babysitting. I know because I've been there and done that
In your situation I certainly understand why you would not want to pursue a relationship with SDs children or be forced into babysitting, cooking, or cleaning up after them. Don't kd yourself that SD hasn't involved the, grandkids in the adult disagreement because in my case SD did involve them and I not only had to endure snarky comments from the SD but also from her spawn. It gets very very old.
You could not pay me to go through that again so you definitely have my sympathy. You were more than accommodating to agree to have them for one night.
It's very childish of your husband to pout in an attempt to emotionally blackmail you into letting him have his way when he is at the same time showing you that his children and grandchildren are not worth the effort he would have to put in in order to make arrangements to see them outside your home. What he's telling you is that it's okay to inconvenience you and make you uncomfortable but dont ask him to put forth one iota of effort to make other plans. it seems as though he is fixated on having the visits in his home only because that option is easier for him.
Interestingly it seems to me to be a continuation of the lazy parenting that so many of the husbands on this forum are guilty of - including mine!
^^^Well put, and nice to see
^^^Well put, and nice to see you, LONGTIME.^^^
Very well said Longtime. DH
Very well said Longtime. DH is essentially lazy and will always try for the easy way. It is easier for HIM to have them at our house because I do end up doing a lot of the work.
For sure my SD has involved her kids - there has been several instances where they said weird things to me in the past few years and I just KNEW SD was filling their heads with bad thoughts about me.
They are her pawns and she thought they were her currency on me too. She guessed that one wrong as I do not have a bond with them like DH does. If she wants to keep them away from me as punishment - go to it. I don't care. When that didn't work she dropped that scenario. Plus if she needs babysitting from DH she has to let them see me too. She is not the brightest sometimes.
DH is still not talking to me so I still don't know if they are coming for one night or more!! I am more angry now than ever. This method does not make me sympathetic to his wants at all - I don't know why he can't see that.
I think I will need to hook up with a girlfriend and at least be out for most of the time.
"I think I will need to hook
"I think I will need to hook up with a girlfriend and at least be out for most of the time." Good for you! Marriage is about give and take. Your DH wants his own way without giving an inch. You have given DH a reasonable option of one day instead of three. If he insists on having them for three days, entertain them for the one day you agreed to then do what you want for the other two. No further discussions are necessary. If he pulls another immature tantrum or wants to punish you, thinking he is denying you something by sleeping on the couch, so what - let him. While he's on the couch, make your bedroom into a spa. Pile lotions and wine on his nightstand, soft pillows and possibly a vibrator on his side of the bed. Light incense and candles.
If she doesn't want to be
If she doesn't want to be around his grandkids for three days then she compromises and go has her self a spa weekend somewhere or a girls trip or something.
Hahahahaha! Why should she have to leave her home? This is simply ridiculous. She did offer a compromise; leaving her home is not a compromise.
I don't agree that two people who contribute to bills and upkeep of a shared home getting to make unilateral decisions about company that's welcome in the house.
Then he does not get to make the unilateral decision that they get to stay for 3 days. Again, OP did offer a compromise.
Having small children in
Having small children in one's home is not a small matter. Especially for adults who are long past raising toddlers and young children. Unlike many of today's parents some of us older folks actually believe that we should actively look out for the welfare of children who are in our care. Not just park them in front of electronics.
I absolutely adored my niece (still do). But having her for a visit was hard work. I was exhausted when she left - and I was way younger than I am now.
When two people share a home it should require the consent of BOTH parties to entertain guests for more than a few hours. I would never invite one of my friends or relatives to come stay for days if my DH was not okay with it - and I own this home outright. It's just common courtesy and respect.
My DH ALWAYS asks me if it's okay if his brother comes for a visit. 90% of the time I say yes - but it's okay if I want to say no also. This is OUR home - not his not mine (even though I own it) we mutually agree on who is coming to visit.
Grandparents do not need to host their grandchildren for days on end to form a bond. My grandparents had 30+ grandkids. No way they could have all of us for long visits. But we were still very, very close to them.
It's utter bullsh*t to think that one must have grandchildren for days or else they are being abandoned, ignored, or neglected.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Yes Notasm3!!! You are right.
Yes Notasm3!!! You are right. It IS a lot of work and very tiring. The stress alone in my case is wearing me out. I haven't even done anything yet LOL.
I just want to curl up in a ball and ignore the world right now - never mind having 3 kids over running wild.
DH can go stay with SD and
DH can go stay with SD and the grands for 3 days or more. That way he'll get his fill of grandparent time. Three days with small children is a long time. I get worn out when ss brings the gskids over for the afternoon! I've suggested that DH go OUT with ss and gskids several times. Once they went to a baseball game but that was it, otherwise it is always here while ss, sdil and DH chit chat on the couch while the kids run wild.
So the gkids stayed one night
So the gkids stayed one night only and it was OK - because it was only one night. DH is still mad about it though and said he wants them to be able to stay longer next time. I know this is all about the upcoming summer and SD doesn't have any place to go for vacation.
He is trying to lay a big guilt trip on me and he said I should just let the past go and make up with SD. This way he can have the whole family invade my house this summer. I know that this is what it is all about.
I am so fed up with his attitude and tried to tell him again that I do not want to re-engage when their has been no change in behaviour. She recently posted on FB that her dad was married to a psycho for all our friends and family to see. I found out about it through a mutual friend. So her behaviour is the same if not worse.
Posting things about me in public is incredibly rude and damaging so I have no interest in having even a cordial distant relationship with her.
I told DH, "if you never drive a car - you never have an accident" - This is the same with SD - if I never have contact there will be no instances of her treating me bad. He just doesn't get it!!
"--- he said I should just
"--- he said I should just let the past go and make up with SD." He wants you to make up with, "She recently posted on FB that her dad was married to a psycho for all our friends and family to see." ???? Crazy!!!! NO, your DH is NOT getting it. He doesn't care. He continues to pester you about the skids coming over because he senses you will eventually give up. Why waste any more time trying to convince him? Like Sammi suggested, take all of the emotion out of it. You have already made your feelings known to DH. No more discussion is needed. The end.
If he really wants his family welcome at your home he will do what is needed - that means supporting you as his wife, and informing SD she will treat you respectfully. Period.
You are right Sandy - he just
You are right Sandy - he just doesn't get it. He is in denial again. And no, he doesn't care how I feel - it is all about him and his precious DD and gkids.
I am not giving in. As Sammigirl mentioned - I need to stay calm and not get too emotional. Just stick to the facts and not engage in lengthy conversations about this topic anymore.
The one good thing about
The one good thing about FaKebook is that people tend to get sloppy after time and show their true colors. Any person with a mature bone in their body will know what a lying backstabber sd is after posting that about you.
Agreed, take any emotion out of the situation. Treat dealing with her and the sgrands like a business transaction; be polite, to the point and have a time limit. Don't bring up SD at all and if DH does keep it short, sweet and then redirect.
It's terrible that you have to deal with this unnecessary awfulness...and after keeping her kids for the night. Extreme ingratitude.
Oh, but DH MUST be
Oh, but DH MUST be comfortable at all times! There are four generations of nasty, passive aggressive, controlling, women in our marriage. BM, SD55, SGD30, and GSGD9; so I understand your situation. All of the women have made it clear I am to do as I am told and they will do as they please.
I disengaged and no longer mutter a word (after all, I wouldn't dare); thus DH is less in touch, because it was mean SM that kept it all together for 30+ years. Now that I go about my life without these toxic women, DH is depressed, pouting, and never goes out of the house to spend time with them; nor does DH even invite them to come visit him, while I'm away. These actions tell me one thing. It was all a game they have played for years. I am a straight up person and tell it like it is and have no desire to play games, nor do I have time, I'm too busy with my retirement life (without them). }:)
Sammigirl, my DH is similar
Sammigirl, my DH is similar in that he is pouty, and depressed / angry. He can go visit his precious children whenever he wants but I think he is essentially lazy and doesn't want to put himself out. He expects me to put MYSELF out.
My DH better drop this soon as I am running out of patience - I feel like i am going to snap and start ranting and raving like a lunatic soon.
20Years....stay calm! I paid
20Years....stay calm! I paid much closer attention and noticed, they love it, when you get upset over it all. It shows you care. }:)
Have you ever gotten along with your SD? My SD and I were good friends and had a good relationship, until they moved into the same town years ago; then things went down hill fast. I always thought SD was just jealous and I let it all go; I was working full time and wasn't home to pay attention. Then one year ago, SD sends me this horrid 2 page email (which I took to an attorney). She stated she has hated me for years and blah....blah...blah. I printed the email and showed DH. His face went grey.....it hit me! DH had been going behind my back, since SD had moved to the same town, and gossiping about me and my family blah...blah...blah. DH was retired and I guess he was bored; but the email gave all the details. So he made me the B@#tch every time we had a small argument or disagreement over our private life. SD even knew all about our finances, etc., right down to our bedroom life. Well the rest of the story is titled "Living In Hell", for my DH. Silence and my change of attitude has him kissing "arsh". It will never be the same. I figured out that DH played these games with BM; SD was right in the middle of that too. SD claims she hates her own mom. Because of the treatment I had been receiving, over the past years, and not knowing why, I began disengagement from SD and her family.
DH thought: Of course you are supposed to bend over backwards and take all the abuse with it; DH's don't have a clue how to run a household, care for themselves (my DH is disabled), and then you are supposed to bow to their children and take skid's abuse also. My Skids don't help their Dad any at all, I do it, because of his disability; and of course I'm his wife, thru sickness and health.
I took a stand and told my DH to "drop it" (after 30+ years) and that he is welcome to spend as much time with his kids, grandkids, and even go on a vacation with them, to give me a break from it all. I show no emotion to the whole game playing mess (even if I'm about to cut throats). Since I've quit caring and raving like a lunatic, my DH is paying attention. I shoved it all out of OUR world. I am NOT engaging with SD or her family, I've made no bones about it to DH; DH is welcome to do so any time. They are welcome to come here and visit him, but I don't have to be part of it; I don't cook or hostess to them (I never offer). I go about my business, in OUR home, as if they aren't present. With that said, I noticed they don't stay long and they don't come around often; in fact it's less frequent every day.
I understand your frustration; I don't think it will ever change, unless you take a quiet stand, and take care of you. ((((hugs)))
OMG Sammigirl. Your story
OMG Sammigirl. Your story sounds so much like mine. I too had a good relationship with SD many years ago. Then she moved to our neighborhood (where I used to live) - we now live 2 hours away thank goodness.
DH retired and started going over to her house daily and they were discussing every detail of our marriage, our BS's problems, my family, me, finances, reproductive issues - ie. my pregnancy. It was horrible once I discovered what had been going on. I lost all respect and felt totally betrayed.
My SD started to treat me terribly after that and ridiculed me and made faces etc. and DH just stood there and let her. It was pure HELL. I can never go back!
This is my hill to die on!!!
Edited to add: it wasn't just the ridiculing and face-making that caused my disengagement. It was also her terrible treatment of our son (her half-brother) and her trying to convince my DH to leave me and break up our marriage. It was pretty severe.
Yes, it is the very same
Yes, it is the very same story; I am so sorry for you, because I know the hurt. I confronted my DH, 1 year ago, "why did you betray me?". His answer was "I don't consider it betrayal". They just don't get it.
I've had to let it go, because it was making me an very bad person, which I have never been in a situation of such betrayal. I have lost respect for my DH and our marriage is just a relationship now. I care about my DH as a person and I don't want to see him have the health issues he has; therefore, I have made a life for me and am completely disengaged from SD, her family, and 90% my DH. I am not a forgiving person and the betrayal rears it's ugly head now and then; but I try to put this behind us, because I can't change it; with that said I am moving forward.
Venting here is very good for me and I read here every day. I have ordered a book entitled "The Other F Word"; I will let you know if it is helpful. It relates to "anger".
(((hugs))))
The imaginary conversation
The imaginary conversation that I have held many times with DH is that I will not censor one thing I have to say if I have to be around SS30. I would not yell or scream - but believe me I could verbally slash him to pieces without raising my voice or using curse words. He's given me so much ammo as to what a disgusting POS he really is.
DH and I are so in tune with each other that we will say the exact same thing at the same time quite often. I swear DH can read my mind and that he knows I will tolerate nothing from SS.
I really cater to my DH and quite frankly pamper him a lot. But SS is my line in the sand.
****THIS*****My DH knows
****THIS*****My DH knows where I am with all of this. He just keeps hoping I will forget, forgive, and it will all go back to where DH can have it all. Not happening; with that said, I know deep down my DH knows where I am coming from, but doesn't want to take the responsibility for this mess.
When we do discuss the betrayal to SD, I calmly remind DH "It's your baggage and I will no longer carry it or be part of your past". It ends the conversation.