You are here

New to step talk and need lots of advice!

spitfire's picture

Submitted by spitfire on Mon, 01/05/2009 - 12:45pm

I'm have a SS9. My H never really had a relationship with BM and I knew them both before SS came to be and now we have been married 6yrs next month. My H only had visitation until SS started kindergarden then we got 50/50 so he lives with us a week at a time.
The one thing that Is a consent battle in my head is how much I should actually be a part of. I am pro-active, get envovled and do everything I can THEN get P.Oed because H doesn't follow through and BM is to busy being a B.F to SS so I pull away and do nothing. But things get bad again and I some how get sucked back in And that has been goung on for 6 yrs. See the problem is at school (and previously at daycare)SS is always a problem at school he is mouthy and does NOT listen. Every year they always call H and BM in to talk to them pushing them to medicate the kid even after his doctor says he's not ADHD thats not good enough try a new doctor. BUT the most frustrating part is that at home with us he is a great kid cause that behavior has never been tolerated at out home and we have rules, expectations & ect.... But at BM and school its a damn free for all for him since a baby and how Is that NOT ovious to People??
There is a difference between ADHD, only child(in all familes)and spoiled brat Syndrome right? or am I wrong? What DO I DO. I don't want to be evil stepmom blowing into school telling them to do their job because I'm not mom or dad and I don't have a problem with the child behaving for me so what's their problem? Cause thats what I want to do! But why do I have to do the job for the parents. Don't get me wrong my H is a great father but he needs me to hold his hand and light a fire under his butt with this stuff and BM, I think she wants me to do all the mom stuff for her kid. Now I don't have children of my own BUT it would be a cold day in hell I would let my childs Stepmom do any of the things I've done like Doctor and dentist appointments etc... thats for the parents to do but she always does nothing so we bring it up and she always happy go lucky with it. Does that sound right?
There is more advice but We'll just start with this.

Comments

christine77's picture

Submitted by christine77 on Mon, 01/05/2009 - 1:45pm

I have that same issue. Its ME at the school functions, its ME at the dentist, its ME talking to the 13 year old about periods. The only advice the 13 year old got from her mom when she started her period was "be careful, now you can get pregnant".

Its soooo upsetting that as a step parent people tell you that you have certain boundaries, but what the heck do you do when nobody (parents) is doing their own job?? How do you decide when its cool to cross the line?? Ive even been to parent teacher conferences for my skids because mom nor dad could go. Dad works, I get that.. I wish I could say BM works...but she doesnt, she would just rather be up her new mans butt than to actually be here for her own kids. She doesnt even mind that I take her place.. and thats sad.

I would say to go to that school anyway, let someone there know that there is at least one person who gives a crap about that child... if dad or mom get upset then remind them that somebody had to do it...

Sia's picture

Submitted by Sia on Mon, 01/05/2009 - 1:51pm

had the same problem. I, too, am a custodial SM. I was always the one running SDs around to/from school functions, etc. Dr appt and the like. BM did NOTHING to raise her daughters except teach them how to be slags. What's worse is that Dh really didn't do anything either. It really hasn't gotten any better, just I have decided to stop doing for the SD that still lives at home until I get some respect. I mean, seriously..... what gives BM the right to criticize the way I raise them, she certainly never even tried!

By the way, welcome! Wink

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 01/05/2009 - 3:04pm

The best advice that I have is BE CONSISTENT!. Either be involved or don't be but for sure don't waffle between engaged and disengaged.

I am also a very involved take charge kind of person and I struggled with the engaged/disengaged perspectives for the first couple of years of my Blended Family SDad career.

I finally realized the disengaged did not work for me and would likely force so much frustration that it could end my marriage.

Soooooo ......... I committed to be engaged and involved as the full time Dad.

It has not been without it's frustrations but all in all it has resulted in a good marriage and a decent relationship with my SS (now 16). We married before he turned 2yo so you are on roughly the same schedule of SDad development that I have been on.

The biggest difference between your blended family adventure and mine is that SS lives with his Mom and I and visits BioDad 3x per year for a total of 7.5+/- weeks.

The WO/WO thing that you deal with adds complexity to the situation that many in this community struggle with.

Good luck and best regards,

anabihibik's picture

Submitted by anabihibik on Mon, 01/05/2009 - 4:57pm

With one of the stwins in the hospital with RSV at just 12months, I'm totally feeling the "you have to be supportive" but "don't think you matter" attitude. I think it's part of the territory. I don't know what to say to help fix your issue, but I hear you and am sending you good vibes.

To every thing there is a season.

secondwife20's picture

Submitted by secondwife20 on Thu, 01/08/2009 - 12:44pm

Every time I try to stay out of it, SD8 is left to do whatever she pleases. I was not raised like that, and will NOT let a child be raised like that in my house, so I try to get involved... I try to teach her from right and wrong, but DH and BM butt in saying, "That's not how they want to raise their child. They want SD8 to grow up with choices... to feel like she isn't held down by rules and boundaries."

Really?

So what happens when SD8 gets older and steps into the real world where she has no choice BUT to follow rules? Cause, you know, there are laws that people must obey. Will SD8 know what to do when she is forced to obey laws? No... but she will most certainly break them.

DH and BM don't seem to understand this, so all I can do is just back off again. And stay there.

You'll just exhaust yourself by going back and forth with being involved and not being involved. I know it's hard to disengage because like you, I love my hubby very much... but the way I am treated - disrespect from SD8 and BM.... being treated like I'm not a real parent - helps make it a little easier. Why put all your time and energy into people who will just disrespect you, mock you, and use you? It's not worth it in my opinion... I'll just mind my own happy little butt and wait for the day to take care of MY children... and raise MY children the way I want to.

As for the school... they know nothing about ADHD. If a doctor's word is not good enough for them, something must be wrong in THEIR system.