You will not be alone on New Years ringing the bell I will be there with you! I have just in the last couple of minutes been told by the DH that I am a peice of crap and that I should not be talking about his ex!!!! Ah the life that I have is oh so gracious. Crying alone is not a bad thing, i do it alot. I have talked to my husband about divorce and the most I have gotten from it is ~ if you don't like it get out!!

I feel so bad for you. I honestly can say I know how you feel. Have you told him that you need to feel loved? I am concerned that this adult SD is still being raised as an issue.....why is that? She IS an adult now....so this should all be a non-issue now right? Why in the world would he be defending BM? Call me if you need to. Know that I love ya and am here for ya! HUGS

As we sit here and BITCH SDs (in my case) or Exes (in your case),
the bottom line is that they are EXES for a reason.

I WISH I could still blame everything on my SDs. The bottom line is that, like his GROWN DAUGHTERS, he is just NEEDY and ANNOYING. (He goes online and buys stuff, but there's always a problem...I have heard that man YELL at more customer service reps than I can deal with; thus, his DAUGHTERS...)

The thought of spending New Years Eve with HIM makes me want to puke. Thank GOD I have to work. I have NEVER dealt with more HIGH MAINTENANCE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

Got Max. Got Arial (cat). We'll be just great. Much better than having the moody, up and down, watch what you say, watch your expression, controlling H here.

KittyKat-Your H does the screaming at customer service reps too? My H got so nasty on a gambling site that they sent him a warning (he doesn't know that I know). I agree. HIGH MAINTENANCE SUCKS!

I might be looking for a roommate soon-any takers?

I am so sorry. I hate that you are feeling so alone and unloved. You are loved!! Unfortunately the person who should be treating YOU like a princess for all you do, is being an idiot. Emphasize to him just how much you need to feel loved, and need to feel like he'd have your back (and not BM's!) in anything that comes your way as a couple. If he'll agree to counseling again, try it. I hope things get resolved. Being miserable is a horrible way to live. I've sent you my number before, but if you need me to send it again I'll be more than happy too. I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

Hugs!

I think I might be done, too.

To every thing there is a season.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

And having a migraine makes everything look bleak and black. If your h is just able to meet your emotional needs, after all you've given him, he needs a wakeup call. I don't know what it will be, or how you can force him to see, that, for a marriage, emotional love, and feeling it, is just as vital as food is for a body.

I've grown so accustomed to feeling unloved by H-that the few times in between, where I feel he actually cares, feel like falsehoods. What I've done, emotionally, is withdrawn. I stayed single so long, after my divorce, that I've grown used to not having someone who loves me being around. It's the turmoil his high maintance mood swings create that is battering me.

We only have one life, and as B put it, being miserable is a horrible way to live. And leaving someone you truly love, is miserable also. I hope you find a solution. I hope you find happiness. Whatever your decision is.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

of course, circumstances were different. He was cheating on me, lying, stealing. I had no option but to divorce him.

But do try to get thru to your H-I know you've tried, but try again. I know it's hard. I know you're heartbroken. I know-17 yrs of your life...

My first H was terrible-but he was what I knew, ya know? I couldn't wrap my mind around the affairs-it was so painful. A distant memory now. But I'll never sit on the deck we built and watch my grandkids play, like I dreamed I would. My sons will never come home-and feel like it's home-for both of them. My youngest does real well, after a hard hard adolescence (sp) but my oldest will never have that feeling.

Funny, H doesn't cheat on me. But the things he's done, in this short marriage, feel as bad, or worse, than the cheating.

And I will only admit this on here...there are times when I still cry over the loss of that first marriage. Times like now, when it's all so black and bleak, and the thought of being stuck in this marriage with my now H is so depressing.

But I know my older sister went thru exactly what I did-I used to kid her that our first H's were the same man, just with different hair color. And her second marriage is a success. But she tells me, there are times, when she'll go into the shower, just to cry. Over the loss of that first marriage, the loss to her kids. She's like me. When we gave our love to those men, so long ago, so young, we totally gave our hearts away. And the sorrow of the death of our marriages, will probably follow us forever.

I hope you can find someway, some amazing lightening strike, to get your H to see what he is costing both of you. And your children. It's not like your asking for precious stones and a mansion by the sea. All you're asking for is love.

you say you don't want to leave your kids - can't you tell him to leave. You make as much as him - tell him to leave. Tell him you have had all you can take with his coldness and ask him to leave

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

like many of the wise women on here advised, that's what I'm going to do. A consultation. How else can we possibly know what to do, what our rights are, how not to screw it up if you do decide on a divorce.

Don't tell your H-this is "self preservation" mode. Just find a good attorney, and ask him how to proceed if you choose to file for a seperation or a divorce. I've watched too many women give up way to much, myself included, just because it wasn't "nice" to go to an attorney without telling their H.

If things work out, no harm done. If not, then you'll feel, at least, like you know a little about the path you'll be walking.

Stepwitch, If everybody on this forum got a divorce because of the after Christmas explosion all of us would be putting in for it Jan 1. Most of the people on here had one but this too will pass. He may be a priXX but at least you know what you got and the next H may have even more kds. See an attorney to find out the divorce laws for your state so at least you will know where you stand. The only time you 2 fight is when the BM or SD name comes up so don't bring it up.

Anabihik, when you get done with the BF you will be rich. You are not responsible for taking care of all of those people or his kds. Let him step up and pay his CS and deal with his issues. You are too young and beautiful to take on those kinds of problems. Be young, be happy and enjoy your life before you start your own family.

I know just how you feel. (My recent post..."where does the love go?")

Have you thought of just counseling for yourself? I think your inability to deal with SD and all that comes with her...and all the resentment that boils to the surface has a lot to do with why you feel like bailing. DH can't understand why you feel the way you do...how could you not love his precious little girl???

Fix YOU first. Then make the decision.

I know you love him. Still...after all this time. If he came home tonight, flowers in hand and professed his adoration... he'd be forgiven.

It's that damn resentment that gets in the way for all of us and our great loves. But you BOTH think the other is at fault and you both need to find that middle ground where accountability and blame meet. It's just really hard to apologize when you're just not sorry.

Call me if you need to talk. I'm always here.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

First, I am so sorry to hear you're going through this. You have been through so much together, and I can only imagine how painful it is to even be considering throwing in the towel after all that time. I hope you can convince him to go to therapy again. If it helped before, it can and will help again. It sounds like you are hurting, but still open to working it out. As long as he is in the same mindset, you guys have hope.

In answer to your question though, my ex threatened to divorce me every time we got in a fight and he didn't get his way. It was just part of the litany of horrible things he would say, because he was a man who hit with his words. I would rather stand there silently crying and take it than say something I did not mean and would regret, but that was not the case with him. After too many rounds of this abuse followed by "baby I'm sorry I didn't mean it" He just shattered my heart. Not broke it, shattered it, nothing left to put back together. I felt it happen, and it was the worst feeling of my life. In that moment, tears streaming, I looked him in the eye and said "pay attention, because unlike you, I do NOT say things I do not mean and ask for forgiveness later. Never in our 8 years together have I said this, but I am saying it now, and unlike you, I MEAN IT, I'm done, I want a divorce." And I walked out the door.

It was hard, I lived in my car and on friends couches for 2 months after that. Had a desperate love affair with a big strong lug of a guy that was all you could ever ask for in a rebound. (okay, that part wasn't so hard) In the end, I got my own apartment, and moved on. I left the house, the cats, everything, though I did get some of that back when the divorce was finalized. I don't suggest you could do exactly the same, with children to consider. I suggest you contact a lawyer to discuss your options if there truly is no working it out. I would NOT suggest leaving the children or the home, as it can be considered abandonment legally and you forfeit any stake in the house if you do that....

Best wishes to you!!!!

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

I pray this situation works out the best for you. 2009 has to be better doesn't it?

"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac

You need a counselor for YOU. RIGHT now.

If he doesn't want to do it then he deserves the outcome if you decide to leave. When I left exH, we had been through counseling a few years before. That time ExH did NOT want to go. Then I made the appt for me and exH panicked and went "So the therapist doesn't just hear YOUR side." That round of counseling was what I call a band-aid on our marriage. We ended up having BS number 2 after counseling. Another attempt on both our parts to cement me in the marriage.

New Years Eve 1999 was the night I realized I wanted out. A few days later, a pic of ExH with my sons, not smiling because he didn't feel well, shocked me into finally realizing I had to go. I had made a lovely spread for him and the boys, and he spent most of the night in bed complaining about having a bad cold. So midnight strikes and I take a pic with him and the boys. A week or so later I get them developed. And Exh's expression, his inability to fake a smile in a pic with the boys on New Years Eve, made him look just like almost every expressionless pic his miserable, miserly father ever took. And I thought, "OMG. I am married to my FIL." Exh was always complaining about the things most important to me, was always insinuating I wasn't strong enough to be on my own. So eventually he left me no choice but to show him I could.

One day, a few months later, I was folding laundry when he complained I wasn't folding his pants properly for the crease. I said, "Well at least I finally "learned" how to fold your T-shirts." And he laughed sarcastically saying, "Sure you did." I went off. We argued, and as I walked out of the room I said quietly to myself, "I will NOT spend the next 40 years feeling this way. The next time this happens I am just going to say it- I want a divorce."

A few weeks later, while getting ready to go to my families for a b-day, he got peeved because I was sorting through some of older BSs clothes to find something to fit his 18 mos old little brother. We were running behind. The kids still needed bathed. Rather than asking what he could do to help, he complained about how I ALWAYS made us late. Rather than even thinking he should start a bath for the boys, it was about ME not getting everyone ready.

I told him I wanted a divorce.

He asked where the hell that came from.

I asked where he had been the other 4 or more times I had said it in the 9 years we were married.

It is a tough road SW. You must be sure of your wants and needs, and be prepared for all the people who will tell you that you are wrong, including possibly your own children. My kids were 2 and 5 and greatly oblivious. Your are old enough to blame, try to manipulate, etc. I'm not sure if they would or not, but there's a lot you must be certain about.

One thing in particular is that I no longer felt anything near love for or from my exH by that point. I felt contempt. I felt tolerance. I felt obligation. I didn't want him to even touch me. If you still love him, you have a lot of sorting out to do before you bring up divorce.

I always suggest people go through a trial separation. I wanted to, but my exh thought he had a better chance of changing my mind if he was living with me. It had the opposite effect. Every longing, heartbroken stare, every attempt to intimidate me or manipulate my emotions to get me to stay, only made me want him gone sooner.

Maybe if you get another place to stay, you will both find out if you miss each other or feel relief instead. And that will tell you plenty.

Counseling - yes. For you alone if he won't go, probably even if he does go.

And we need to plan a road trip to meet up somewhere in the middle for a girls weekend in Jan!

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
just go talk to one, find out where you stand, legally.

I wanted to walk out of the house with my ex-just gather up the kids & walk. But I didn't-because posession is 9/10's of the law, as the saying goes. I remember being so furious, and just wanted him to be the one at home, wondering where the hell I was and what I was doing for a chnage. But I didn't leave because of the kids. Got his butt kicked out, tho. Ended up having to leave the house after the divorce, simply because I couldn't afford it.

Even if you change your mind, thru the ebb and flow of emotions that come with a decision like this, you'll feel empowered just knowing what steps need to be taken.

The thing about your original post that really got to me was him coming down on you for not parenting the skid like you parented your own. Ummm. Unrealistic, to say the least. A skid is just that-not your own. And even if you love the skid, it's not going to be the same. But after 17 years? I mean, you have been together that long and he's still bitchin about your stepparenting skills?

I'm wondering what goes on in his mind-he asked you if you wanted out. Which implies to me that he's been thinking along those lines somewhat himself. So go to an attorney. Get some sound legal advice. Usually people don't bring up something (like ask you if you want out) unless it's been somewhere in their own mind.

perhaps a PROFESSIONAL counselor will be good for you. We can help, but a professional can point out things that maybe your friends cannot. He might also be more receptive to you telling him how your really feel. I know that you are a people pleaser, and that may be hard for you, but sometimes it helps to tell the person we really don't want to, how we really feel. When you told him about the headache, at least he responded like you wanted, so I think there is hope.....

I could have written your post word for word, I feel so much the same way. I don't even think it's so much we want to be put on a pedastal as it is we want to be valued and respected for all we contribute. I feel alot of the time my fh doesn't value me as a person and all I contribute to our household...it's almost like he EXPECTS it. If he appreciates it, it doesn't show...or maybe it does, but he also does things, like support bm, that make me feel betrayed. What really irks me is that I'm not even married to mine and he seems to expect things from me that you would normally expect from a wife...and yet I don't even get the engagement ring and all that jazz. Even though he's basically a good man, I feel taken advantage of in alot of ways...whether that's true or not remains to be seen...but I do know I feel like my needs aren't being met...which sounds like what your complaint is.
I also know the flurry of emotions your feeling. I wanted to leave a few days ago after a large fight(while my mom was in the hospital no less). It's so hard and emotionally draining when someone we love makes us feel bad. I had a complete breakdown while trying to get some things together to leave for the night...and I started sobbing uncontrollably. FH came to comfort me...which wasn't all that comforting because he was still pretty emotionally distant. I told him that I didn't know where I belonged...it's like, I wanted to be somewhere that was home while I was having my breakdown, but I didn't know where home was. It doesn't feel like our house is home sometimes...and my old place isn't really a home anymore since I moved in with FH...I just felt completely lost. FH was supportive and kind of understood...but also was angry that I didn't feel like our house was my home. So it was just a bad night.
I hear what your saying and really get where you're coming from. Try not to make any snap decisions right now. Give yourself time to cool off, cry, and get the emotional part out. Then you can make a logical decision of what to do next.
Big hugs to you!

I am so sorry you feel bad honey!! I think the counselor for YOU thing is good (if he won't do it too), and possibly a DL attorney consultation but only if you can keep it an absolute secret!

I hate the thought of you being unhappy, and it sounds like you have some valid points but! sometimes things are said in anger, that are given more import than they really have, you know, especially when people have been drinking! I know the saying about a drunk man's words equals sober man's thoughts, but I don't think that is always true, just that a passing thought that is better left unsaid gets screamed out instead!

The reason I know this? I was a pretty solid drinker for a long time but with long periods where I don't. Recently I have started a little just for stress relief because of h. getting laid off job, etc. SD not speaking to us for trying to parent her, the holidays, etc. but on Christmas Eve I realized that my h. is the one who should not drink!! He got mad over something stupid then went to bed early and I slept on the couch, which sucked! The next day, it blew over (after I told him off). Point being, if we hadn't been drinking, or if we hadn't been drinking white russians (forbidden now), we maybe could have had a better holiday.

So if it was a drunk argument, just take time to feel better and let things calm down. I am not saying your feelings are not valid, just take time to think things thru and not act too hastily!! It sounds like you have a nice life together and he can be sweet, he is just a *&$^#( man and therefore a ding-dong! no offense guys. I wish we could get together but never can do anything. Hang in there, we love you and want a complete report ;)!!!!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

You don't, you just have him served! haha

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

We just talked and I read your post. I'll call you tomorrow. I think the most important thing you have done is to express your feelings to not only yourself but your partner. Sometimes, life puts us against a wall, forcing us to look at ourselves and decide the direction we want to go. Sometimes, we need to go through difficult times so that we can make change. I am sorry you feel so sad, but please know, you are not alone, you will be okay, and things will turn for you in the exact direction you need them to go. Have faith in yourself. You are an amazing person. We have all made mistakes and can reflect on our lives, and question our step parenting for example or anything else and come out thinking we are less than perfect or don't have a solid ground to stand on when faced with adversity. But truth be told, we do the best we can, and I know you. I know the love you explode out of your heart and I know this too will pass. Have a good cry and know you are loved.

xxoo

I'm sorry that I don't have any really good advice for you. I'm kind of ignorant in that department.

I'm really sorry that you're feeling so badly.

You're in my thoughts.

If there's anything I can do, let me know.

Dawn

I understand how annoying it is for DH to take up for BM. We just had that discussion (FIGHT) around here on Sunday.

Basically, the BM can do anything she wants and is never held accountable. I, on the other hand, cannot do anything to upset the poor dear. DH wants me to be quiet and lay low until the child support is all over (6 more months).

HAY, I"M THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE GETTING THE SPECIAL TREATMENT AROUND HERE!! I try to see the point, keeping the peace, because anger only forces her to be more annoying to us. However, I just told DH that now, after 10 years, I AM NOT GOING TO LET THAT TRAMP DETERMINE MY BEHAVIOR ANY LONGER. She gets in my face, I'm going to tell her to back off and let the fur fly. She's been fine until she got on my facebook adding my family and crap. So after all this time of telling me to back off from her, I told her to back the f*** up from me. It felt so good.

If you leave your husband, your standard of living may go down and you will never have your kids like you have them now. If you can possibly stay, and be "armed" with your new attitude and stand your ground, I bet you can make progress with DH. I have, and I'm unapologetic about it. He isn't happy that I won't let her walk on me, but I certainly am.

We may have to accept that he doesn't always show love the way I want him to, but he does show it in many ways that I might not appreciate enough. he comes home to me every night, he takes his job seriously.

I'm hoping good things for you and good changes between you and DH. I think marriages with BMs and SKIDs have an extra difficult challenge to make it work. Its a wonder that any of us make it through to 18!