I Get Why Being A SM is so Hard, but it still sucks
Well, the way I see it, there are several factors at play here:
1. Dad's just don't parent the way a Mom would, for the most part. Even the most involved dad--is just not the same as Mommy. So that's strike one against StepMom. We are rooting for the parent of lesser status.
2. We have to constantly deal with 2 people who used to be "in love", but aren't anymore. Only in divorce with skids is this situation necessary. Nobody (DH) wants to hang out with their freakin ex (BM), much less try to raise a kid with someone who fell so out of love with you that they went to court to get rid of your partnership. This formula is BOUND to result in a difficult parenting situation.
3. Now, not only are two exes trying to raise their kids together with some sort of normalcy, and along comes us, the wicked stepmother. So BM gets to watch her ex, who she shared a life with, build a new life with someone else. AND not only that, but this woman is going to try and PARENT HER CHILD. Oh hells no.
4. So with all these negative feelings, things just end up getting f'ed up with the kids. DH's feel guilty b/c they went from seeing their kids everyday pre-divorce, to every other weekend most of the time. So they want that time to be great and happy, thus creating a monsterous stepkid for us stepmoms to hang out with. To make matters worse, the child learns early on that THEY can stay out of trouble by letting blame for problems go between parents. The kid gets old enough to figure out what DH and BM don't like about each other, and uses it against them. It sounds really evil, but we'd all do anything to save our own a$$es.
5. Finally, I don't know if it's so much as a "lack of backbone" as it is most of us desperately trying to not make things even worse and more hostile. We are trying to simulataneously avoid pissing of our DH's, avoid adding to the drama, trying not to look like the most evil witch of a stepmom on earth b/c most of us have the common sense to know this is a fragile situation, and trying to sort of/kind of parent but not overly parent our skids b/c we are not actual biological parents to these kids.
That being said, I FREAKING CANNOT STAND my SS and his BM. I get why this situation is so hard, as listed above. But that doesn't mean I like it. And I too constantly feel like I have no backbone, but I just bite my tongue so as not to add fuel to the fire. Honestly, what's going to happen, BM is going to say WOW YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT AND I SUCK. But mark my words, someday, I will explode all over her. B/c I am human, and I can only keep so much in. Also I don't see how ANYONE could love their skid like their own unless the BM was dead or MIA.
Fake it til you make it! 
- LauraHelton331's blog
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Comments
why do you feel
like you "HAVE" to LOVE your SS? I don't love mine like my own,and I know my husband sure the hell don't love mine like his own { thats just as hard to swallow}
my kids Bio dad did die and they(my older boys) make damn sure my husband knows he is not there dad. so I still very much feel like a single parent at times, and it's hard when everyone doesn't get along. But sometimes I don't care I know i love my husband sooooo much and eventually they are all going to grow up and leave and who will be the last two in the house? jsut be nice to your SS,thats all anyone expects from you,at least the old hag can't comeback and throw that in your face, hang in there I felt the same way,MANY TIMES I still do,but try not to make things harder then they are,this is a great sight for advice,tips,suggestions,laughs. take what you want and leave the rest...
What IS an acceptable expectation of a SM?
My hubby is always saying "OHhhhhhhhhh you have TWO kids (I have only one BS who is 7 months old), and junk like that. Is that expecting too much from me? There have always been times that he will say things like,"Well if you felt that way about SS then you never should have married me!!" ANd I have a good friend who Oooohs and Ahhhhs about how she loves her two SS's like they are her own, despite a crazy BM in her situation. It's been 5 years I have been with DH and I STILL don't fully understand his expectations of me.
Circumstances
I think your first point is very valid and one of the main stumbling blocks in my situation.
I inherited, fulltime, a now 16 year old two years ago. His father spread himself too thin trying to be Mom and Dad instead of the best Dad he could be (BM is MIA). SS is the exact opposite personality to the children I raised, and parented(or not) in a fashion I would NEVER parent(not that I am the world's most perfect parent!). SS has come a long way in those two years -his marks are good, he stays out of trouble (as he is antisocial)-never missed a day of school and will graduate next year-probably end up being some computer geek in college will be my guess.
When DH and I got married I knew he did not love my adult children and that is fine by me-I know he likes them. Dh knows I do not love his son-but I really think if the children were younger (and I am talking 2-5yrs)I believe I would have bonded with the child at some point (just my personalitly and not necessarily what everyone would do)-some skids just rub their stepparent the wrong way and that does not change-and the hard part is being a benign adult figure towards them (prime directive -First Do No Harm)-heck some bio kids rub their parents the wrong way hence favouritism!
I do not despise my SS-I despise the parenting (or lack of it) he received-but he appears to be trying to grow himself up inspite of his parents.
I am angry at SS's Bio-Mom as she dropped the ball on this kid (like she does everything else in her life) and will sit back when he graduates and makes money (that is when he will be able to move back in with her -when there are $$$$ in her future, because of him)she will sit back and take all the credit for her successful son.
But then I am projecting.....
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Nice.......
You are pretty right on!
My SD
I don't love my SD, I like her and think she is a nice kid and all but she is not my responsiblity and I am not knocking myself out for her or the BM and her BS. My BS is 22 and my FH and he get along great but I don't expect him to love him - I just expect them to be cool and get along.