H and I were alone last night for dinner. I've discovered that he isn't good at communicating...how's your day dear, what'd you do...that's all fine and good, but that's pretty much it. He's not good at planning what to do with our time together or talking about important stuff like financing the house or how to get the kids to their games out of town. So I have come to the conclusion that when he has nothing to converse about, he picks fights. And he picked a fight last night about, you guessed it, bm.
We started off having a good nice talk about it all and how things are getting better in every way all around. But I made the mistake of telling him how I feel...that every night I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of coming home because I'm scared of finding her at our house...even in the driveway. After all the crap with her, just the sight of her makes me physically sick. So H starts to get an attitude about it, like I'm supposed to be over it now...I mean it was almost a month ago that she last was in our home. I said the pain lingers and I live being terrified that they're still in love or something. So that starts a bigger fight with him. I wasn't accusing him, just venting my feelings...that I'm scared. And he took it as fuel to fight.
So he goes to work and I'm home. He calls me later to chat like he always does, but somehow works back to the bm fight. I tell him I'm just scared of losing him because I fear deep down that he loves her still and isn't over her..i didn't accuse him of sleeping with her or anything..I just said I felt these fears. So he flips out and we argue and I tell him i'm tired and going to bed.
I stayed up all night because I'm sick over everything. I try so hard to be a good sm...I cook, clean, etc. because that's how I show my love to my family, among other things. But I feel like no matter what I do, it's not enough to get him to validate my feelings about bm or even get that I'm hurting...he just takes it all like, "What? That was a month ago? Why aren't you over it yet?!" I don't know how to get him to say that the last year of her intruding into our lives and home has made me sick, tired and scared that we don't have a future...he just takes that all as me accusing him of screwing her...and that was not at all what I was saying. Do y'all get what I'm saying, or is it me?
So I texted him late last night saying I was sorry...I'm not sure for what, I was just sorry we had a disagreement and he didn't go off to work in a good mood. He never responded...and I was up all night feeling sick over everything. So I wrote him this 4 page letter about what I'm afraid of and what makes me happy...no accusations, just things I feel inside.
So this morning he came home and got into it again but good. He just gets so angry when I say I think he has feelings for his ex...he gets completely irrational when I say that. I'm not saying to to p*ss him off, I just say that's how I feel and what I'm scared of and his reaction when I say it makes me think he's not being honest with me. Oh, plus I asked him about the text message and he said he didn't get it,right...so later on in our argument he says something about how I didn't mean I was sorry blah blah blah...and I go, "Ah ha! you liar, you did get my message?!" and he knew he was caught in a lie. So he says "Oh well, I only got part of it..." Ok, I know that can happen sometimes but really how likely is that? So I had caught him in a lie for whatever reason.
Now I'm not sure what we're going to do next. He said some really hurtful things this morning, mostly that I'm crazy...which I said "you're damn right--I may be crazy as a flying rat's ass but you have feelings for your exwife!"
I read him my letter and he took it like I was accusing him of all these things..that he wants his ex back, etc...which wasn't at all what I said he had *done* but what my *fears* are. The letter didn't do anything to ease his mind, but made him angry that I'd "accuse" him. So I left for work.
H had the nerve to ask me if I was coming home tonight...liek I have anywhere else to go...all my stuff is there now so I have no where else to be except my empty apartment (my friends have offered to let me stay with them though all along)...then he has the nerve to tell me that his kids are *counting* on me to be there tonight to make them dinner and be there because tonight is our night with them and since he will be at work, they can't be home alone. That sounds pretty crappy, but I think, knowing him, it's his way of saying he doesn't want me to leave...he's not good at saying how he feels, so he uses his kids an excuse to make me feel guilty.
I don't know where we're going from here. H is really angry and I'm tired of it. He twists it all around to make me out to be jealous and petty. I don't know that I'm wrong for being hurt that his ex has been in and out of my house at will for months...but H doesn't see it that way. He figures now that she's gone all is supposed to be ok. He can't get that I'm stll hurt.
So now I don't know what tomorrow's going to bring.
Thanks for listening girls and sorry this was so long.