Minor issue ... but it bugs me!
First, let me say that DH and I have a fantastic marriage. We agree on almost everything and communicate really well. So what's my problem?
Sometimes I don't know if I should say something to him about things that might be sorta petty. Since he's so terrific in so many ways, shouldn't I just shut up and put up with minor nonsense? But then sometimes the minor nonsense starts to eat at me -- and then I feel like I should say something, but then I don't know.
So this week's minor pet peeve is FEELING EXCLUDED. Some background info: DH has visitation with his girls (SD16 and SD14) two nights per week plus (supposedly) every other weekend. He never misses a week night visitation - he takes them to dinner, for walks (individually), driving, shopping, etc. -- basically whatever they want to do that evening. And he makes sure to get in some 1-on-1 time with each of them, unless they don't want to. Usually they do not come stay with us for the weekends. Sometimes they'll come for a night, a day, etc. But they don't like to be away from their friends (we live about 30 mins away) and usually have "plans." So that's fine -- we don't push it. We're relaxed about it (if they want to come that's great; if not, that's their choice). Since we don't have the girls very much, DH does a lot of activities with my boys. He is a phenomenal step-father. I could not ask for more.
So we're getting ready to go on a 10-day vacation, and DH mentions that he plans to take SD14 to breakfast every morning -- just the two of them (at SD14's request). This brings back unpleasant memories of other instances where SD's were over for the weekend and DH asks them (SD's) if they "mind" if we (me, the boys) come to whatever they're planning (sometimes it's the movies, sometimes a museum, etc.). Usually the girls will say "oh sure, they can come" but that's not the point -- why do they get to decide whether or not we can go? There have been other instances where one or the other SD has said they want to do something with "just dad" when we're all together.
I know it may seem stupid but this irks me -- especially when they have "just dad" time two nights EVERY week (how many girls in any type of family -- intact or not -- have that?). I think part of it is that they feel like their dad spends more time with the boys than he spends with them -- but I think that's THEIR choice. They repeatedly choose their friends over spending any weekend time with their dad. Why do I (and my boys) have to pay the price for that?
I come from a very inclusive, all-are-welcome kind of family. I would never think of excluding DH or SD's from any activity we are doing. If they don't want to join in, that's their choice -- but they are ALWAYS invited. Especially if we're all together. How am I supposed to explain to my BS7 and BS10 why we can't go to breakfast with DH and SD? I believe they will feel excluded just like I do -- and I hate the idea that they would feel that.
Am I wrong to feel slighted? It makes me want to say, "Well I'm taking the boys to lunch every day -- without you" to DH and SD's, but I KNOW that's WRONG and I don't like thinking/acting that way. Am I being a spoiled brat about this whole thing?
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1 morning at breakfast alone
1 morning at breakfast alone might be 1 thing.. but the whole freakin vacation??? nope. that is just being rude. I would let your dh know that this is a FAMILY vacation, and there will be NO exclusions allowed.
Amen - this is rude and
Amen - this is rude and unacceptable. His SD does not get to dictate who he goes to breakfast with everyday. I can one morning, sure no big deal but all 10 days - BS!! You are on a family vacation therefore you should be doing things as a FAMILY!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
If you dont tell him then
If you dont tell him then he'll never know. He may certainly NOT agree with your point of view or he may make excuses, or maybe he just never thought about it that way. All are a family and I think it's certainly fine to have one on one time with ALL the kids... but ALL the kids is the clue, not just one kid out of 3, or 4, or 5, or 2. Maybe the solution also is to have 1 on 1 days with them all yourself as well. Eating out is certainly expensive, esp on vacation, but try to spend quality 1 on 1 time with all the kids during that time, and do something special with each one of them.
Talk to DH, it sounds like you have a great marriage (and i think you're very right on the visitation, kids that age DO have their own plans and if they can choose to come or go then it'll make everyone happier, esp since you live close) and i think maybe he just doesn't see
~Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!~
what about "FAMILY" time
look at it this way, if none of the kids were step would "dad" want to exclude the others? because that is what he is doing, excluding everyone but the daughter. I think she is being petty and spoiled. this just breeds jealousy and anger.
a walk alone is one thing but breakfast every day is ridiculous.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
seems like more than a minor issue
why so many exclusions? what is the point of a family vacation if SD is going to ask that she wants to have breakfast ONLY with DH and no one else. maybe dh letting her know that they will have their time together but for her to ask that of him is inappropriate..from the rest of your post it sounds like he caters to whatever time THEY want to spend with HIM.... it's ok that they have plans on the weekends so they would prefer to not come for visitation but it sounds like they demand his time when they want it and that's it. relationships, man and wife, brother and sister..whatever relationship is give and take and sacrifice and by catering to what they want to do is not teaching them to be selfless. that was a very selfish request for her to make and i think it should be pointed out to her in some way. it's a family vacation blah blah..we're all spending quality time together..if you would like to have breakfast alone with dad one day we can accomodate that but it wouldnt be fair to your sisters or SM or SB's for us to take off every day together that way. it just doesnt seem right to me that he would want to exclude everyone else that extensively. most kids dont get that in a regular non blended household so what is he overcompensating for? everyone in the household whether a permanent member or a visiting member should all be included in whatever is being done and one on one time is ok but within reason. that's just my opinion. i wonder if one weekend your DH asked the girls to come for a visit because HE wanted to spend the time with them one on one how they would feel about being taken away from their friends because dad wants the time with them? i personally feel he's going overboard on the whole one on one thing..so much so that SD felt it was ok to even ask him for such a thing.
Thank you for the comments and advice!
I am going to bring it up with him tonight and see where it goes. Sometimes I feel bad about potentially "criticizing" him because he truly is a wonderful person and a great father. I knew that I was marrying him plus two girls (just like he married me plus three boys) and I never want to seem like I'm being petty or unfair. I probably second guess myself more than I should -- it's great to hear other perspectives!
I don't even think one...
I don't even think one breakfast alone on vacation is appropriate or fair. These girls get tons of alone time with Dad and this is a vacation for ALL of you! She should be thrilled to go on a 10-day vacation! Give me a break. I know you married Prince Charming, but he has some spoiled princesses there!
Things change
as the kids grow up and you develop & your relationship develops. What was once acceptable is no longer so you have to change things so that you don't feel excluded. Start with suggesting that you would really rather not eat breakfast alone anymore. start there, add additional things later. Good luck!
You're not wrong!
If my Dh allowed this I would smack him into tomorrow. But he wouldn't, he's not like that. He feels uncomfortable if me and BD don't go with him and his kids. He wants us all to do things as a family. I think that's the way it should be. He married me and with that comes my kids too.
Explain to your DH how it makes you feel when he does this. Would he like it if the shoe were on the other foot? Yeah, I would be all over him about this.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
shoe on the other foot
I think your husband......(sorry guys, I don't know the shortcuts yet) sounds wonderful, and he would probably never do anything to knowingly upset you or your kids. So if you let him know in a nice way, that it is bothering you, he will no doubt understand. I find that if you just give them an example of what it would be like if the circumstances were reversed, and his girls were excluded, they see the bigger picture right away. It is hard on kids to share their parents with stepbrothers/sisters......but its hard on everyone, and you have to put yourself in everyone elses place to see what it feels like.
Not negotiable!
I don't feel that this should be a negotiated subject, if the only oppritunity for you all to spend time as a family is those weeknights when the girls aren't busy making other plans with their friends that those weeknights should be spent as a family everyone involved. How are you supposed to develop a relationship with everyone involved if they are doing seperate things. That would bother me as well, because I strive very hard at trying to be involved in my SS' activities and family time so that we have an oppritunity to bond as well. Perhaps the girls keep you at bay because they don't want to step on mom's toes either?