Mediation.
Thank you ladies for your wonderful feedback on my previous post about my court date with my BS12's biodad. For those of you who have never bored yourself with my little personal tale of woe...see my blog post named "My poor little buddy..."
So, I'm hoping for MORE feedback. I never attended DH's mediation and never had to go thru mediation before.
I received a letter in the mail from the Office of Dispute Resolution (Mediation Office) and it stated what MamaSita suggested that I do anyways. Spell out my issues and what I want resolved.
So I figured I'd go prepared knowing that he will not be if he continues not to retain counsel.
So my very, very rough outline is somewhere along the lines of this:
1.) Visitation. I would really like this to be at my discretion(like it is now and always has been) but if that is ABSOLUTELY not possible than I would want it to be supervised visitation only. BS12 has stated that he would like to start out with an hour or so once a month...like for lunch. I'm not looking to completely deny visitation, I just want it to be a gradual process that my son is comfortable with. I would like to remain the custodial parent with ALL parental decisions to made by me.
2.) Child support. It needs to be paid for goodness sake. It was one thing when biodad did not want to excercise visitation...but isn't it a valid request? I have no desire to change the amount...it's $296 a month.
3.) Counseling. I would like my son to enter counseling if visitation is granted. I would like biodad to incur the total cost of this. When BS12 needs to enter counseling for having an overbearing mother, I will glady incur THAT cost.
4.) 'Dad' reference (I'm not sure about this one). Now I know the court ONLY likes to refer to the bioparents as 'Mom' and 'Dad'. My BS12 has referred to my exH as 'Daddy' since he was not even two years old. This man deserves the title and has over the top earned it in every which way. He excercises the same parenting time with BOTH of my children, only one of which is his actual offspring. I would like Mr. Biodad to respect this fact and refer to him as the same and let BS12 refer to him in whichever way he feels comfortable. I would like that biodad NOT refer to himself as 'Daddy' because this has caused much conflict in the past.
5.) Medical Expenses. I will continue to cover BS12 on my current husband's insurance even though biodad is court ordered to do so through CSE. Biodad can not be relied on and it is better this way. HOWEVER, I do want him to start reimbursing for uninsured medical expenses divided according to our income. (BS12 needs braces in October. 
)
OTHERWISE, I will gladly draft up the paperwork for termination of parental rights with no future child support owed. (I would prefer this route)
What else? Any suggestions
- Colorado Girl's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
For number one, what's the
For number one, what's the gradual progression if they do not go with at your consent? you don't want to be going through this hassle every single time he wants an hour more or if he wants to have him for an afternoon regularly.
"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."
Hmmm...
Good question.
Is there a 'standard' visitation schedule for an absent parent (for the first 10 years) who wants to establish a relationship?
It's hard for me. What I 'believe' is in the best interest of my child does not coincide with what the court deems best. I was told by the Magistrate presiding over my case that he surely hopes that Biodad establishes a relationship with his son.
I absolutely think that my BS12's biodad is a negative influence on my son and would prefer that he stay an absent party like he's always been....
So what's my compromise?
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Personally...
I think if you went after back CS and requested an increase in CS, he would probably disappear forever. He sounds like the type. (And, boy, do I know that type!)
I think, too, you need to be as specific as you can about what you want and always ask for more than you expect to actually get. I wouldn't make any references to "if I can't have that." Tell them what you want, with the assumption that you have a right to all of it and not a thing less. You'll negotiate down from there, but you always want to negotiate from a place of power. Tell them what you want, not what you will settle for. Save the flexibility for later.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
You know..
My lawyer suggested the same. The deadline for Biodad to furnish a financial affidavit is July 25.
Back CS. That's how this all got started. CSE froze his bank account and emptied it for the arrears balance. The next day I got an e-mail telling me that I was a thief and that he was going to file papers for custody. I beat him to the punch thinking that he would disregard it like he usually does. He did circumvent it right up until 3 days before the final orders hearing.
So do I not compromise whatsoever even though the Magistrate has already expressed that he will most likely grant some sort of visitation?
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Did that email make it to court?????
This email needs to at least make it to your initial mediator's appt. They should meet with you alone first. Ours even met with SD, and in your case that could be very helpful, since BS is very apprehensive about getting to know this man.
If BF responded to his responsibility for CS as you being a thief and you have that in writing? That is a very telling motive indicator for his pursuing "custody". No court is going to give him that (custody) at this point. Keep that in the back of your mind as you go through.
As far as visitation, here's my suggestion which SD's GAL added to our final agreement after BM gave DH custody (you already know all that sordid tale.) BM's lawyer decided to sneak in a week visitation each month of the summer in the final paperwork. We were going to ask that be taken out, since the GAL made no mention of extra summer time. Our atty asked us to allow him to ask the GAL before we do that. So the GAL added wording, "To be arranged bwtween SD and BM" to that, which means if SD wants it she can have it, if BM is also willing to do it. This is the second summer that BM has not asked for any of it, and SD says "She doesn't want me anyway, why would I spend a week there?"
So....keep that wording in mind with any visitation for your son. I like the lunch dates, perhaps you could come up with a gradual increase, all the while it being conditional to your son's wanting to go. This is reasonable with a 12 year old who's BF chose not to acknowledge him until he was paying for it anyway.
And the dad thing, yes, that wording needs to be in there as such-
"BS may call BF what BS is comfortable with calling him. There is to be nothing dictated by myself or BF regarding what my son chooses to call him."
That way everything is up to your son as it should be. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders that little guy. I would trust his judgment on those things.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Not yet.
Your verbage sounds so much better than mine.
You might just have to help me write up an outline that helps me sound less juvenile and more intelligent.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I am taking....
Custody coaching clients for a very reasonable fee.
(NOTHING! Can't get any cheaper than that!)
I am at your service CG
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
How about some cheap wine?
Didn't you say you had a sign that read 'Work will for Wine'...
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Did I say that?
I must have been tipsy at the time as I have no recollection!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
No.
I made that up.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Oh CG...
You SLAY me!!!!!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
PS
Bring wine anyway. I'll take "payment" from you!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Are you two flirting?
Yes we must do the retreat!!!!!!
That's funny right there
I don't care who you are.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Have you been
Watching Mater from the Pixar Cars movies...LOL
My 2 year old says that!! LOL
What a funny movie...LOL..shows my mentality
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
That's the problem when it comes to me and wine
A couple glasses and everything starts to sound like a good idea
I met DH on Yahoo personals. He was my second Yahoo personals date. The first one, who shall forever be remembered as "No means no Joe" shared wine with me at dinner, then I believe another glass at home. Next thing I knew I was rolling around on the floor making out like a teenager. I had to regain composure and send "Joe" home. He was disappointed as home was over an hour away.
I remember thinking, "New rules for meeting someone online-
Meet OUT somewhere and don't bring them back to my pad,
AND...Beer only, because EVERYTHING sounds like a good idea after a few glasses of wine!"
DH thought that was pretty funny I met him, my second and last internet date, at a pub, had dinner and a couple beers, talked there for hours, and gave him one, I said ONE kiss goodnight when he walked me to my car. That kiss was all I needed afterall. He called me at 7am the next morning on his way to work to tell me what a nice time he had and, when could we go out again (breaking the "three day rule". I knew I had him at the kiss goodnight.)
I am much better off saving the wine for hanging out with my girls!
Kathleen....are you coming to CAMP????
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I agree...
he'll bolt at the first sign of actually having to step up to the plate.
Hold your grounds
Does your ex have a new wife., was wondering if there was another party involed on his side.
It will all be ok, and remember, hes 12, so even though hes still a minor, the courts will or at least should listen to what he wants. Right?
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
I agree
that he will bolt ask for a decent amount of CS that you don't even want, I'm sure he will have his joggers on in a hurry. Creep.
Who gets told they have to pay more CS then acuses the mother of his son, whom he has left her to care for, alone, tells her she's a thief and decides after 12 years he wants to catch up with his son?? ...poor kid, I wonder if the kid and his feelings have even crossed his mind... he's gonna go you for custody? Good luck with that loser >:(
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Joggers...
Man the mental picture that brought about.
Catch, I have never met a man quite like the moron that fathered my oldest son. The audacity I will never get over...
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
OZZIE FUN
I just love reading Catch's post, I learn a new and fun phrase every time!!
thanks CATCH!!!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
ME TOO
My mom has a penfriend from Australia, and they have been writing for 40 years!
I used to write her kids for years too.
We loved exchanging our own terms for things.
Joggers!
Love it!
Z
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Geez Guys!!! LOL
Joggers, what the bloody hell do you call them?? Shoes for jogging...joggers..??
Anne said "depends" the other day and I was like depends? Depends on what?? LMAO...then I remember seeing that brand when my mum had her stroke 'oh pads..Tena Lady...LOL' thats what we call them!! Or just incontinance pads...there I go stating the obvious again!!
Thongs are also shoes by the way CG!!!
We had this tourism ad (commercial) for the UK, it got axed but it was so aussie, I think they should have used it world wide. Lara Bingle is a model from OZ and she was chosen to do the ad. She walks out on a beach, in a bikini, on the gold coast, beautiful beaches, they have a Barbie (I think you call it a cook out?) beers and larakins (Beer drinkin Ocha's..as is australia) and she walks in and say "so...where the bloody hell are ya!!??" so classic aussie!! Anyone see it?
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*