Father's Day was terrible
It was even worse than I anticipated, and even though I know husband is hurt I do not think it is my fault. Let me explain.
Husband was supposed to pick up SD15 from BM at 10:30 am Saturday. SD asked to change to 9 am and husband never told me. So when I was planning to take BDs4 and 2 to a museum, he had BD4 with him. I had to wait for him to get home and was mad he never told me the time changed.
So husband left to go camping with SD at 4 pm Saturday. Left BDs 4 and 2 with me. He was going to see a woman he knows compete in a triathlon, rather than spend Father's Day with all his children. I just don't understand. We had harsh words before he left because he doesn't see why I would have a problem with this decision.
Husband called at 9 pm that night and talked only to BD4. Fine, whatever. Sunday morning, BD2 spends 15 minutes crying for daddy because she wants him and he's not there. BD4 asks, "Isn't this Father's Day? Where's Daddy?" I skipped church so BDs wouldn't see the happy kids with their fathers, or have people ask me where he is. (BDs weren't happy not to go to church.)
Husband didn't call all morning. He got home at 3 pm. Didn't see BDs until 4 (he laid down on the couch and took a nap and we didn't know he was home). I asked him four times Friday and once Saturday when he was taking SD back to BM, so I could make dinner plans Sunday. He told me he didn't know, then told me it was none of my business because I wasn't the one taking her back so it didn't affect me. That was kind of the last straw for me. I'd tried to work around his plans so we could have dinner and I could see my father.
I told husband I was leaving the house at 6 to have dinner with my father. He arranged to meet BM at 6. Whatever. Said he would meet us at dinner, so I told him where we were going. Finally, at 6:45 I called and he was at the wrong place, 30 minutes away. He got mad and said he wasn't coming.
So I had dinner with my family and got home at 9 pm. BDs gave him a card and a dessert I got for him from the restaurant. BDs were in bed at 9:30, and husband was gone before they got up this morning.
What the hell is going on? He saw BDs a total of 2.5 hours Sunday, and he was mad at me. Why am I at fault?!
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Comments
Sounds fishy - not to alarm
Sounds fishy - not to alarm - but first the event was for a woman friend? He's finding fault in you? He's trying to find a way to not spend time with BDs (i e you?) I just have alarms going off here. Especially when he doesn't even call? I mean - he could have told this friend NO my WIFE has something planned, etc. Any other weekend would be fine but not this weekend.
as a former other woman I agree
Sane One is right. Something's fishy here. As a former "Other Woman" I can tell you that the man I was seeing tended to get into fights with his wife, then come and meet me. Looking back I'm now sure it was a rationalization technique so he wouldn't feel so guilty. When your H is not putting you and your daughters first, making plans purposely to exclude you, with people you don't like so you won't want to go and won't likely be finding out whether or not the plans went down the way they said they did and THEN finding ways to blame you for any unhappiness or arguments that result because of it... then something's amiss.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Intruder Alert
I agree with these two ladies. Maybe I'm just a little suspicious by nature but I would be so pissed about this. I'm the type that would probably look at his cell records just to be sure. Im sorry, but I'm seeing red here. I just don't get this. Something else is going on. Someone is intruding here and it's not you or the BD's. I hope I'm not right. I think it's time to have a serious conversation with him about this. I saw someone mention counseling and I agree - he needs it. I would give him an ultimatum. No counseling, no marriage.
My DH and I sat around for a while yesterday on the back porch drinking beer. We rarely drink this much together. But he really opened up to me yesterday about things. Then when I would try to kiss him or something he would say "No, not now, I'm on a roll, I'm trying to communicate". It was great. Later he gave me a big hug and told me he always feels better when we talk. This is just what we do - I'm not sure it would work with other people.
I had such high hopes for your Father's Day after your previous e-mail. I just knew something was going to turn around for you and it would be great. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
Einstein's definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
he's really shutting down
Sounds like he is really dropping the ball. My fiance would get lost in sports on t.v. when he couldn't cope. I would poke at him and make him talk it out.
That only gets you so far though.
He could be feeling like he can't do ANYTHING right or good enough and has emotionally checked out.
He picked a bad day to want to excape from reality, but the male mind is something of a wonder. He probably wanted to get away from everything and stop his head from spinning. Not sure.
He probably had a fight with BM that you don't know about. He may have not known what time to bring his 15yr old back because he really didn't want to see BM EVER - NEVER!
That could be why he met her at 6 when you weren't there to when BM showed up. Maybe he wanted to keep you and the kids out of it / or away from her rage.
I'm sure he feels really guilty about not spending quality time with the little kids. Maybe he feels they will not remeber missing fathers day - and decided to put the attention on the older child and try to salvage that bond. Who knows!!!
I hope I'm not making excuses for him and pissing you off. Just trying to make sense of it. I am sure he wouldn't hurt you intentionally. People handle stress and guilt and responsibility poorly sometimes. He's probably beating himself up all the time about it and guys aren't always that great at sharing!
It was really sweet of you to bring him a desert home. You've got a kind heart. He knows that too.
I'm sorry.
I have no clue why he favors one child over the other two at all. It doesn't make sense to me. I'm sorry he's such a butthead. I wish I had some answers for you. He needs to get it through his head that being a husband to you and a father to your BDs doesn't to preclude him from being a father to SD and vice versa. Any chance of dragging him to counseling?
♥ Anne 8102, D/B/A Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
the thing that gets me
is the way hes treating u and the kids u have together...its almost like hes purposely trying to avoid u all. and the whole dinner thing...how did he get that wrong? maybe he said that to make an excuse bc he didnt wanna go. it just doenst seem like he was interested in being w u and the girls at all and did everything he could to prevent himself from doing so.
im sorry...im not trying to hurt u. this just really seemed odd to me. im so sorry for u and ur girls that yest was so bad
u really need to talk to him and find out whats going on.
I am so sorry to hear that
I am so sorry to hear that Father's Day was worse than expected. Now that you mention the friend is a woman, I too am concerned about his choices for the day. I dont mean to wind you up, as I am sure you are upset enough on your own. But it doesnt feel right, its not passing the sniff test.
Further... you told him exactly where you were going to dinner, I dont understand why he didnt go to the correct restaurants.
Elizabeth I'm so sorry, I
Elizabeth I'm so sorry, I don't have any words for you other then what has already been posted. I just wanted to offer my support.
Elizabeth I'm so sorry, I
Elizabeth I'm so sorry, I don't have any words for you other then what has already been posted. I just wanted to offer my support.
Part two
He just e-mailed me saying he would be late getting home tonight because he has an "office get together." OK, you only saw BDs for two hours Sunday, but instead of coming home to be with them you are going out after work. Whatever...
Ask him where it is
Einstein's definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Um, Elisabeth - seriously
Um, Elisabeth - seriously not trying to upset you - but what do you think is going on? Do you have a gut feeling about anything? Could he just be trying to avoid conflict? Do you think the SD moving made him feel this way? I feel like you are being alienated.
Yes, I think you nailed it
I do not think he is cheating, I think he is upset with me that SD has chosen to live with BM. I think he blames me, if we could just "get along" this wouldn't be happening. The hearing is June 23, and I think he is withdrawing. By avoiding me, he can avoid a fight (he things). And avoiding me means avoiding BDs because they are my shadows. When they was him for 1.5 hours on Father's Day, they both were sitting in my lap (together) and not sitting with him. I am always there for them, he is not.
I just feel sad for BDs more than anything. I feel like he is taking things out on them when he shouldn't.
Shady MC Shade
I have to agree with the other ladies, this whole situation has the distinct smell of BS. I feel for you, as it sounds like this is the begining of some really bad times. And now he is going to be late after the weekend avoiding you? No way. Something sounds wrong. I've been cheated on befor, and I know the feeling all too well. I'll try to help ya anyway I can. O, BTW have you heard of the TV reality show called cheaters? They investigate for free if your story is aired. Good luck hun.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.-Erma Bombeck:
Elizabeth
From your other posts it has always seemed like he is very self centered & always takes care of his needs before you & your babies. If it isn't spinning or step daughter it is something else. Has it always been like this?
I can't say I would like this woman friend triathalon situation, but I have had male friends & they were just buddies.
I am so sorry you are going through this shit, I had hoped with SD being out of the house things would get better. I think you need a sit down with him & just ask him for the truth & then access from there what it is that you want. If your s & your daughter's needs are not getting met & he is not willing to meet them then you need to decide what it is you want for you lives.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I would like to use Cruella's frying pan & beat some sense into him.
Call a friend to babysit
Find out where this "work get together" is and check it out yourself. I don't want to get you worked up, but for your own sanity I think I would do this. At the least, will he tell you where it is and what time? If he won't give you details that is another red flag.
Einstein's definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
I don't think he's cheating, either.
I think he's withdrawing from you because of the crap with SD. I think guilt over SD keeps him from the BD's. I think he's pulling away because avoiding you is probably what's keeping him from dumping his misplaced anger on you over the situation with SD. And also, he's lost one daughter, in his mind, and he's probably going to lose two more if he doesn't straighten up. It's a juggling act and he's trying to push everything away so that he can keep it all in the air instead of crashing down around him.
♥ Anne 8102, D/B/A Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Whether there's another woman or not
When he is withdrawing to avoid you or punish you it's not a good situation. Whether he's already cheating or turning to anyone (even a co-worker) to talk to rather than talk to you, or to avoid talking to you, it's not a good situation.
Regardless of what's happening already, or may happen from his disconnecting...it's NOT a good situation.
Please...if you want to make your marriage work take the advice of these women. Go to his job. See for yourself what's going on. If he's not lying you simply need to tell him that you feel shut out and concerned for the health of your marriage. It's true. And it's your right. It's not over reacting or stalking or nagging if he's acting in a suspicious way.
If he's pulling all of this because of SD going to live with BM, then he needs some serious counseling.
No matter what's going on here, him shutting you out and avoiding you is not something I would stand for.
I won't say any more from my opinion as a former other woman, because I care about you and I don't want to cause you possibly unnecessary pain. But.... something isn't right regardless. Take action. Don't be passive/agressive in response to his being passive/agressive. Avoiding the problem only gives it more prominence.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Elizabeth
What ended up happening yesterday? Are you okay?
I am here
Thanks for asking. He is in avoidance mode. He didn't come home last night until 8 pm. My BDs had a friend over to play, with me supervising. Then baths and bed for BDs, and husband went to bed at the same time. Again this morning, he was gone before we got up. And he's going on a bike ride tonight so won't be home until about BDs' bedtime. Then Wednesday he informed me he is taking BDs to the park (about time he did something with them). Frankly, I don't have the energy to get into a big argument with him, which is what any discussion would turn into. I think I'm just going to lie low until after the hearing on Monday and see if things get better then.
So sorry
this is going on. I think you need to follow your instincts. We are here if you need us. Take some time while the girls are at the park to recharge those batteries.
not only a jerk for a dad but lousey husband to !! Lose him
Sounds like my x husband!
He would get addittude at me for no reason, get cocky to start a arguemet so he had reason to leave, he would come home, eat, take a shower and head for bed, sometimes not come home til 4 a.m or later.
At one point leaving way early before morning working hours( which was not needed). Always started looking good before work with exstra colonge on and worried how he looked( come on, he worked factory and would get filthy).
CONSTANT phone calls from someone having " wrong number"..it goes and on and.
You need to really step back and assess your situation, its going to hurt but all the signs are there I hate to tell you.
My x was screwing the hell out of my best friend of 10 among MANY other women through out our marriage, I should of left him WAAAAY before I did( but I waited it out almost 8 years )
"Oh"..and when I did leave, I went for broke girlfriend, I left his rear in Michigan and took me and my son( who was not his) and we moved to Florida to start our life over
he called me up a month later cring saying he really messed up and the tears were flowing on his end, What part did he not get when I said " I am done, I am DONE"
Move on and find someone that will love and respect you and want to be apart of your plans and they want to include you in EVERYTHING they do and every aspect they have.
He sounds like a real jerk for a dad let alone a lousey husband.
Good luck and I am sorry for you because I WAS YOU like many other women on here have been to.
" Life is like a jar or Jalapeno peppers, what you
do today could burn your a*s tomorrow."