I am in shock

Forums:

My husband totally went off on me last night, and it was horrible.

Among the terrible things he said:
* I am driving SD away (he thinks he's going to lose custody to BM).
* It was a mistake to ever marry me in the first place.
* It was a mistake to ever have kids with me (BDs 4 and 1).

More things, but you get the gist.

I was and am still horrified. Then he e-mails me this morning and says he doesn't want a divorce but that if I plan to file we should talk first.

I am just in shock. He said such horrible things, how does he think I am just going to forgive and forget? And how can he say he doesn't want a divorce after he spent a good 20 minutes yelling at the top of his voice about how horrible I am?

Then BD4 came into the room (the yelling woke her up) and he started snarling at her and saying nasty things. It was horrible.

Oh honey...

This is NOT right. I would go talk to a counselor just for yourself. Your husband is taking his stress out on you.

I am so sorry.

Peace, love, and red wine

I agree with Zenmom

It's hard to take the nasty things our loved ones say when they are angry, hurt or SCARED. It's not right, but "shoe on the other foot", your DH sounds like he's just scared that he won't get to see his other daughter and he "panicked".

"SOME PEOPLE WEREN'T MEANT TO HAVE CHILDREN"

I thought about that

There's no way my husband would move out, and I don't want to disrupt two BDs. I was so tempted to say, "If you feel that way, take SD and move out!"

E-mail is his preferred mode of communication because if I say something he doesn't like he can ignore me.

I know how this hurts

When we were going through a custody battle my DH once said that same things to me, I really do think it was out of fear of losing his kids. Fear of losing his life as he knew it. I think we are easy targets sometimes, they know that we will love them anyway. In NO way is it right, I am not saying that. It hurts terribly. You think "afterall I have done, this is how I am being treated". You think why is he attacking me - I am the only person on his side! I hope you two work through it and he comes up with a VERY good apology. My DH really did not get it until we had a marriage counselor tell him how wrong he was. Stay strong and know it is not really you he is upset with.

He will NEVER apologize

So, to me, that means he meant what he said.

Our pastor once said something I liked very much. It was about the fact that you will only extend your hand so many times and have it slapped every time. Eventually you will stop extending it. That's what I feel like right now. I've got my hand out to catch him when he falls, and he's striking out at me.

I KNOW he's mad at BM right now. But that's no excuse to treat me the way he did, and to lash out at BD4!

I did it last night

I didn't have the same fight or say the same things, but I did make a mean comment and my husband hung up on me. Today I don't want to talk to him and I'm pretty sure he won't be calling me either. So... how does this compare or make any sense. When I get crazy out of control emotionally, I say or feel things that appear out of my control. Sounds like your husband is scared, really scared and he is lashing out and blaming you. That does not justify anything he said. Counseling is a very very good idea. I think it is time for my dh and me to go and get a "tune-up" ourselves. Stress can do that to a relationship. But just as we were discussing about zenmom's step daughter cutting herself to cope with emotions, we are hurting each other because we can't cope with emotions. First and foremost we need to find ways to cope as the adults in our adult relationship so that we are healthy and we model well for our children. I am so sorry you endured what you did last night. Those are frightening things to hear and the way it would make you feel is devestating. I hope you will give yourself a litle break , know that he is obviously overwhelmed and running scared, and needs help. Get some and then evaluate what comes next. I've been away for awhile and don't know your whole story but I'll read your blogs and support you the best I can.

I have learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
–Henry David Thoreau

OMG... I dont know what to

OMG...

I dont know what to say.. as only you know how much you can take before enough is enough.

I dont understand how men dont see all their children as equals.. how they can love or defend or pamper one child over others. I feel horrible for you and your two girls.

I dont know if it would help to remind him that he has 3 girls.. THREE.. not 1.. not 2 but THREE.. and that if he wants ALL his girls in his life then he better find a way to get right w/you, make up his previous neglectful behavoir toward the two little ones in order to keep you and your girls in his life.. otherwise it will be just him and his precious older girl.

I cant even tell you how ANGRY I am for you at him.

Thank you

Last night when husband brought up divorce, I told him BDs would live with me. Not that they won't see him, but that they need ONE stable home environment. None of this bouncing them around from one house to another. He said fine. Just like that. He's mad at me because SD wants to go live with BM but if I move out I can just take our BDs with me?!

He apparently has NO idea

He apparently has NO idea what he is really saying.. that is all I can think of.. because if he really knew what you were saying.. he would realize that he is going to lose his two youngest..

Its not your fault that SD wants to go move home w/her mom.. Its his fault.. he is the one that doesnt enforce the rules, and treat everyone equal.. its his inability to assert himself w/sd, that is causing her to leave.. because then she is left to think that its all you.. when really.. its what any REASONABLE adult would want.

Let her move in w/her mom and burn her house down w/that stupid straightening iron.. Maybe then your two daughters would get to see more of their father.

I know my dh didnt plan on his kids.. those were a surprise from the person he dated for 6mths then ended up marrying.. and I can tell you that if/when we have kids together.. and he says anything remotely like what your DH said.. I would remind them that MY children were planned.. then tell him where to go and how to get there.

Honestly.. I cant even begin to tell you how angry I am for you and the girls! My thoughts will be w/you all weekend.

Thank you

All of this ire is coming from the man who, when he proposed to me, said he wanted to marry me because "You are the best person I ever met." To hell with that, evidently.

To make matters worse (if that's possible), this weekend is my mother's 60th bday and we're having a big party with out of town guests. So when I am going to be wanting to spend time with people I barely see, I will have this funk on my mood that results from my husband's crappy attitude.

He will NEVER apologize. And how can I know he didn't say what he really meant? I can't believe he would accuse me of driving SD away. If so, I'm not very good at it because it has taken me almost seven years! (HA) But SD has wanted to live with her BM for at least the past four years, surely that is not all me?!

IMO

Imo he did mean it. Sorry to be blunt but now he will have to pay support and if you two didn't have children he could make a clean break. It seems to be that he has let bd run the roost for too long, and has only himself to blame for marriage problems.

You do not need his say to keep the children, it will all go through a court and you could always bring up his anger problem which is another factor. Try to be positive and think of all you won't have to put up with, and surely down the road you can find someone who is less trouble.

why do you have to take the blame?

Maybe it has nothing to do with any of you. Maybe step daughter wants to feel like the most important person in a house of three kids. It is not unusual for older kids to feel left out when babies are born. I'm sure you love her as best you can and who knows what is going through her head about her mom. Maybe she just wants a better relationship with her. Maybe she wants what she sees her younger sisters having with you. It's hard to tell but it doesn't mean you have done anything wrong. Let him have his tantrum but you don't have to get sucked into it. Self preservation is key.

I agree Kathleen

I really think you gave me some insight into my own SD from reading this response (that's what I LOVE about this site )

I know SD wants to be the most important person to SOMEONE. ANYONE. I see it in how she tries to do that for others. That's not a bad quality to want to make someone know how important they are to you, but in SD's case, if she doesn't feel that you reciprocate 100 percent then the absolutes come rolling in.

Interestingly SD was an only child and BM wanted it that way. BM was the youngest of 6, a late life baby for her own mom, who pacified her with material things because she worked nights as a nurse. BM's dad argued over the money being spent all the time and for a while BM and her father didn't speak because after her mom died he wouldn't open up his wallet they way she had. I also think BM's wanting SD to know there is only one mom in the whole wide world and I'm not it, AND to convince her that DH doesn't love SD, is so that BM will be SD's favorite parent. It's always a competition. The tradition is passed down quickly.

I completely agree with Kathleen that this may in fact have nothing to do with you, but more with how much more important her BM makes her feel, feeds her ego, strokes her self esteem. I am not saying that compliments and encouragement are not an important part of parenting. But over doing it to manipulate a kid into picking you is a huge problem in our positions.

Peace, love, and red wine

oh one more thing

So you say he won't apologize. You can still hold him accountable. You can tell him how it made you feel when he said those things and you can ask him if that is truly how he feels about you. You can put it back on him to explain. Then you can tell him what you will do if you hear it again.

well sure it is

cuz if he can't blame you then he might have to look at his failings as a father.
Dont let what he said to you poison your weekend, enjoy the time with family and put that funk on a shelf for now.

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

I like Kathleen's idea of

I like Kathleen's idea of telling him how it made you feel and asking him if this is what he meant... That it would be nice considering the horrible things he said, if he would apologize for once in his life.

I know the dreaded feeling of having to put on a happy face w/out of town guests.. and its HARD.. perhaps have a glass or two of wine.. and try relaxing a bit.. (not sure if this possible w/two toddlers on the loose.. being cute and all!!)

Good luck this weekend.. and tell him if he knows what is good for him he will apologize and kiss the ground that you walk on.. otherwise I might have to hop a plane in your direction!!!

I don't know...

How is his missing a dental appointment a big deal to you, Crayon? If his teeth rot out of his head, no problem. Not for you, anyway. That's one less tube of toothpaste you have to buy. And if you don't want to attend these events, then don't go.

Elizabeth, my heart goes out to you. I feel like you're about to become a single parent of two little girls on paper as well as in practice. I know you can do it, because you've been doing it all along and you're GREAT at it. I'm just sorry that such hurtful words were spoken to you. This is the time in your life, in your children's lives and in your marriage that you should be able to look back on one day with joy. I'm sorry your husband is being such an ass. I agree with the others that he probably just blew, but even if he hadn't said the words, he's been saying pretty much the same things with his actions all along. I wouldn't want an apology even if he did offer one. I'd want change. If he can't give you that change, then you must be the one to change in order for things to be different. Whether you change your situation by accepting it and finding a way to be happy in it or by leaving it, only you can decide. I agree with Kathleen, though, about asking him to explain his remarks and find out if that's what he really wants or if that's just what came out when he found himself in the wrong and cornered with noplace else to go.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Pressure

Elizabeth, I know it was really mean, the things he said and it hurt you and was just a stupid, thoughtless thing to do in front of your daughter especially. But, and this is without accepting any of the ridiculous things he said, maybe you should see if he continues with this 'plan'. My guess is he was freaking out and said mean things specifically to get you where it hurts.

There was a thread a while back where we said all the things that happen when you argue with a DH, and I had to confess, we have some knock down, drag outs, and have split up about every week in our 6 year marriage, with only a few months here and there of smooth sailing straight thru.

The things that have come out of DH's mouth I would not say to a dog, BUT. WHEN he comes to his senses (for God's sake don't wake him up or he is insane) and I ask, what the hell was that? he says he knew it would hurt me. Why would you want to hurt me? because he is afraid we will split up like they did. He didn't have many girlfriends before BM and she was nuts so he thought every fight was kill or be killed.

NOT TO EXCUSE DH. And it is up to you what you can stand, but this doesn't have to be the end. Maybe it can be the START of some real communication. I think his e-mail was just a bluff to see if you are serious. Just try to let things simmer down a little and see what happens, is my advice.

I know it is probably not completely healthy, but hey, we are all human and I have a particularly sharp tongue that has gotten me into a lot of trouble. I had to LEARN thru bitter experience to not say or do certain things, maybe he does too?

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

Oh Elizabeth

Your post just hurt. I guess what seems to stick the most is the impression that he seemed more concerned about losing sd than his bd's with you. He should be concerned about all of the children equally since they are all his.
I can't beleive he said those things to you. I know how words can hurt. My dh said f-you to me in September because of sd and I still can tell you how fresh that hurt is to me. Sometimes we lash out at the ones who are closeest to us because we feel safe. It doesn't make it right though.
It sounds like you two really need to sit down and talk. Especially since he threw in divorce so quickly.
I would make it very clear that it that kind of talk is just plain unacceptable and let him know how he made you feel. Being mad is one thing but throwing around divorce and verbal assaults are a whole other matter. I also am bothered by the fact that he was nasty to his daughter. Does he act this way with sd too?
Hang in there and give things time to cool down.

Georgie

HA!! You the GOLD DIGGER??

I hope you bashed with your pan for that one!!

Elizabeth...they were cruel mean and horrible things he said! I am a big one for not letting them get away with things..taking it out on BD4 also is the lowest. Kathleens idea was also a great one I thought. He may not apologise but make him accountable for the things he said and your reaction and hurt is also his to bear!

Make it clear to him that everyone in your house has the same importance and maybe he should pull his head out of his you know what and realise that SD leaving will hurt more than him, you have 2 other kids that will be hurt or confused by her departure and you have to work as a family unit to get evryone through the change.

he is being very selfish and blaming you is just a weak way to deal with a hurtful situation. i know how much it would hurt me for one of my BS's to want to leave me and live elsewhere.

Good luck to you and do not let him sweep this one under the carpet without a nice serve of guilt

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

HaHaHa

Since you can't REALLY bitch slap him, nothing like a good old cyber slap to make you feel better. We'll call it the "Cruella Kabong Thong Cyber Slappin!! LMAO!!

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

Oh Cru, this just ticks me off for you

I mean the part about you being just like his two ex wives. Maybe your DH needs to look at the common denominator in all three of these failings - HIM!

SSSSScccceeeeaaammmm !!!!!

Where do they get off yelling and shit! Who do they think they are? Do they not realize that batteries do not come with attitudes or Skids?

I'm gonna get the band togeter, and sing some blues, I'm working on a hex spell song, let you know when it is finished and We will dedicate to your DH. Till Then I put a frog curse on him !!!! JERK

Please know that you do not have to take this. He doesn't have to apologize because I can guarantee you won't ever forget. What is he freaking scared that he may loose his SD and not you? Go ahead let him run his mouth again. I'm so pissed for you.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

Still upset

I just want to say I appreciate SO much the support I receive on here. No matter what goes wrong in our family, my husband always turns it around and puts the blame on me. It has gotten really old really fast!

He has been acting like it didn't happen. As far as he is concerned, he got what he had to say off his chest and that is the end of it for him. I tried telling him that he can't just treat me like that and expect me to take the slaps across the face. I have feelings. I am upset. But he doesn't seem to care. He won't apologize and he won't discuss the situation.

So what now?!

my ex was the same way

when he was mad he yelled and pushed and called me every name in the book and then some it hurt like hell EVERYTIME, and then when he could not understand why I was still upset I told him this, your anger is like a tornado..it comes in hot and heavy and does a ton of damage, but then when it is over there is still a lot of destruction left.
It takes YEARS to recover from a tornado...how can I get over your destruction in just a few hours??
he never got it!! he just thought well I got it off my chest and I feel better so why cant you??
sheesh men..
sorry Kevin Steve!

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

I'm sorry

you got treated this way. If that were my DH I'd drop kick him with my high-heeled boots.

You are here