She signed the papers....
DH's attorney will file with the courts and it is done.
BM filed papers 8 months ago to increase her parenting time along with her child support. Her original filing would have reduced DH's annual overnights with his children from 122 to 82 and raised his child support obligation $200 per month. He currently pays $550 per month plus all daycare costs, and medical/dental insurance premiums related to the children(approximately $1600 all together).
After a long, long road including many phone calls with DH's attorney, she finally has agreed to his proposal. 50/50 split every other week and reducing child support almost $350 per month. She accepted the State of Colorado's child support calculation (plus DH rounded up so BM gets a little extra every month)and in the best interest of the girls and their wishes, DH could co-parent with her HALF the time. The new schedule begins once the girl's are out of school at the end of next month. The girls are so excited to "split" their time between our two perfectly acceptable homes.
I can't tell you what ultimately caused her change of heart. Maybe my complete disengagement caused her to stop long enough from being so unbelievably angry and start listening to DH. Maybe DH's new attitude of only making the best of the situation and never engaging in a screaming match again made her realize that her threats and screaming fits would no longer cause DH to react in any way. Maybe the counselor that her and her BF started seeing has helped her more than we could have possibly hoped for.
Maybe she was as worn out as I was and didn't have a fight left in her.
I'm not sure what has caused BM to mutate back from the beast that she had become. All I know is that I have such a restored faith in people in general. I'm one of those optimistic fools that believes that most people have a little good left in them.
BM is bipolar/BPD. She is unique and special in good ways and in bad. I hope she overcomes her obstacles in life the same way I overcame her. It was the most difficult hurdle I've encountered in my short life so far. My unspoken promise to her is that I will never again stand in her way of being a mother again. And I hope that she will truly forgive me for all the times that I did.
My advice for anyone who is NOW where I was at 8 months ago.... Stop the madness and become the bigger person. Be the grown up and earn a deserving respect, whether it be from the skids, the judges and mediators, or even the BM. Do it because it's the right thing to do regardless of how undeniably awful BM is. Set standards and boundaries that are fair and reasonable. Don't expect her to be a perfect mother even though she may hold your DH to a perfection standard.
Lastly, find hope and have a little faith. Not necessarily a religious faith, but faith in fair outcomes and right prevailing over wrong. Hope and faith sometimes are all we have in a never ending battle.
- Colorado Girl's blog
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Comments
Enjoy this moment...
But it's obvious I don't have to tell you that. You are such an inspiration CG.
I felt this way when BM conceded custody the day before the trial. Her motives were obvious, but what does it matter. Such a tremendous sigh.
I hope you continue on this positive path and congratulations on an amazing accomplishment
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
I am so happy
for you! It is great to have a happy ending!
Hope
I have to say reading your blog gave me some hope my BF and I are dealing with a similer situation with his kids BM and I am trying very hard to be the bigger person some days are better then others but reading this gives me hope, Thanks
Your story...
is very similar to mine and I know just how HARD it is. I really hope that you can take comfort in my own tale of woe and it's miraculous ending. Also remember that none of us are perfect either, so on those days you just can't be the bigger person....don't be.
If not, take up drinking...it helps on those especially rainy days.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Well said!
And congrats! I was thinking to myself just today about something very similar... that not every conflict has to result in a fight to the death. Whether it's with our spouses, our children, our stepchildren or all the exes out there, just because we find ourselves engaged in a conflict, that doesn't mean it has to lead to all-out war. We don't always have to do battle until someone comes out the victor and someone else ends up thoroughly annihilated. I've been married to my husband for almost seven years and one thing I have learned is that sometimes things do resolve themselves without anyone winning over someone else and without anyone having to change their position. Sometimes the things that seem so worth fighting over today really aren't worth squat in the long run. We talk about picking our battles a lot here. If you've won one of the countless mini-wars you've engaged in with your spouse's ex, but have damaged your marriage in the process, what have you really won? Nothing. If I have to highlight someone else's failure to score a win for myself, what kind of person am I? Not a very compassionate one, that's for sure. My skids' mom will never be my BFF. I'll never forget some of the horrible things she's said and done over the years. But I'll not waste another second of MY life belaboring the point. A couple of years ago I found myself wondering, "Am I really fighting for my husband? Or am I just battling my husband's ex-wife for myself?" If he needs me, I'm here to support him, but his war with his ex-wife really doesn't concern me, anymore. He chose not to fight with her, so why should I?! Life is toooooooooo short!
♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
That is such a wonderful point!!!!
"A couple of years ago I found myself wondering, "Am I really fighting for my husband? Or am I just battling my husband's ex-wife for myself?"
For me it has, at times, been a power struggle almost thinking I was the one who knew what was best for THEM and THEIR kids. Like I'm always telling my kids when they are mindlessly tattling on their siblings......"why don't you start worrying about what YOU are doing instead of what everybody else is doing."
I started worrying about me, my involvement, and my "place" in the situation and it was the best decision I've made yet when dealing with my husband's divorce.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Glad to hear
some good news from such a woderful person!!! You deserve it. And what you said is so true! Sometimes if we are the first to change in a situation, then a trend will start. It worked the same way with my ex husband and I. When we finally stopped fighting and my husband now stepped up and tried becoming friends with ex, things started looking up. Now, three years later we are all still on the right track and everything is wonderful, including my very well adjusted eight year old who has two of the greatest fathers on the planet.
I am glad that BM started seeing things in a different light. Sometimes people with Bipolar do things that they truly regret. I know first hand. When they are in their right frame of mind, they make more sense. All my love to you!
"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."
Hey CG!!
Haven't heard from you in a while, sounds like you have been busy restoring yourself and your state of mind..Nice to see you have come full circle and maybe the girls can now experience the best of both worlds without the push and pull that so many of our Kids and skids have to endure.
Talk soon..Love loads..
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Yes!
Disengagement is a wonderful thing. I think it is a wise move to let the parents parent, but keep your rights in check too. I'm heartened to hear happy stories.
The best news I've heard!
CG,
Congrats. That is amazing news and I'm so happy for you and your family. You are an inspiration to so many and have come full circle. Enjoy - celebrate this weekend! Go drink a nice bottle of wine
Stepmom_C
Thanks Ladies...
For all your support.
You all have helped me at some point along the way. Cru and Catch - you always make me smile....and sometimes make me laugh so hard I look like a donkey giggling at my computer screen.
Stepmom_C and Goingcrazy, sweething ... all of you always offer kind words even when I'm being the petty, jealous idiot I'm capable of being.
And I have to say this....Anne8102 - wherever you are, I think you've helped me the most by being the brutally honest person that you are. I can sincerely say that your words helped mold my better outlook on my situation. One of your posts literally started the chain of events that lead to my change in perspective....you are the best.
Love all of you and BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
We love you too
even if me and Cru do make you look like a donkey sometimes!!!
LMAO!! A donkey in a thong..theres a funny thought!!
Hugs back at ya xx
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*