I love my DH dearly, thru "sick & sin" as we usually joke. We have been thru hell & back, a few times cause of his ex, but I love him all the more. What matters to me is who he really is, not some whacked out verision BM has tried to sell me. How he treats me and our kids, keeps me falling for him-still. ~"Resist all the urges.... that make you want to go out and kill." ~ Chel.

Men don't do this like we do. I think they see telling personal stuff as a weakness. I know when I left my exh those that were only friends with him, as well as his co-workers, were completely shocked, because he would only talk about how great we were or the kids were. He also was very oblivious to my level of frustration and pain in the relationship, one that was very stifling to my personal growth (met him a few weeks before I turned 20.) We had a similar relationship as my parents, but I recall thinking my ex was better than my dad because he didn't just complain how I did things, but jumped in to do them (dad just stood by complaining and correcting how my mom did everything.) Eventually though it became a competition of who was "doing more" in the marriage. He had an impossibly high standard (I stayed at home.) The few times he stayed at home with our sons he would fly around the house getting ALL the laundry and all the dishes done, cleaning everything... then would throw that in my face as an indicator for how little I accomplished daily at home. My question was always how much did he play with his children on his rare chance to have them to himself?

What I finally came to realize was that he was happy with the way things were, and wanted to keep it that way. I was unhappy with being treated like a child, and felt his view of me was causing me to become more and more dependent on him.

I left because of an epiphany. I was not being fair. Why should he change or accept who I was becoming if it was in fact different from the woman (well girl) he met? I was the one who was rocking the boat. He deserved someone who could love him for who he was, as much as I did. Someone who could be happy with less depth and connection to the relationship, with less equality in making decisions. Those women do exist. I'm not one of them.

I'm not sure his current wife is happy with all those traits either, but when he met her she was in need of someone. Her ex was in jail, she had no CS and was about to lose her house. I think my exh enjoys saving women. And with me, once I was healed from my adolescent traumas, very much accomplished through his stable presence in my life for 11 years... I outgrew the need to be taken care of.

I did chose VERY differently this time. My DH and I communicate about EVERYTHING, even when it's uncomfortable. We are patient and have never had an argument. This upsets therapists too for some reason. But I really think we are simply agreeable and peaceful people, who don't sweat small stuff. There is enough LARGE stuff to sweat.

I also think after 15 years with crazy BM he greatly appreciates my gentle side, my thoughtful, pensive, able to edit side. The fact I am not jealous or insecure means a ton. And I also think having been through the same issues with BM helps him more easily recognize it and not make excuses for it in SD.

When I first moved in it didn't take long for me to notice some early signs of SD's problems. Food hoarding to the point that there were mice everywhere (evidence of them in EVERY room of the house.) That was the first big one we talked through. Little did I know that was a PD symptom as well. I just thought she was a little girl trying to cope with having a crazy, emotionally absent mom. And she is, with the added layer of possessing the same crazy tendencies.

So...

I never see it as terrible when other women bash their men. It's venting I think, out of frustration for lack of control over our own houses.

Sometimes I do try to suggest the woman go if she's that unhappy. But it took me years to get there and I'm pretty strong and secure. So some just take longer or never get there.

I would say to any of them though, if you're really in that much pain in the relationship that it's not healthy and you'll never find happiness there.

“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks

I think most of us here love our DH's and wouldn't trade them for the world, but let's face it, sometimes we do get on each other's nerves. It's nice to have a place to vent our frustrations, maybe get a different perspective on the situation at hand and learn a different approach on solving a problem.

My relationship with my DH is much like what Zenmom has with her DH. We are both willing to talk about the problems when they surface and find a solution we both agree upon. We rarely argue; rather, we have adult discussions with one another. This is the very opposite of the relationship I had with my ex. My ex would prefer the problems go away by themselves (magically, of course). He thought that by acting happy and upbeat that it would make everything okay. He didn't realize that his approach just intensified my frustration and left me feeling completely isolated and invalidated. I had no one to talk to, except my mother, and never knew that internet forums like this one even existed. If I had found a forum like this back then, I would have probably been perceived as "bashing" as well.

My husband is not perfect by any means and we have had our fair share of problems too. We had an incident occur just a week ago and I came on here to vent and was really surprised by the amount of support I received from members of this forum. It made me realize that all was not lost, it was not the end of the world, and gave me the strength I needed to work through my feelings. My husband is back on track working on staying sober, and I see now that he is still the same loving, understanding, emotionally available person he was when we married.

Forums like this serve a purpose, and I for one am glad it is here.

This is the ONLY place that we can come to say the wonderful, delightful, hateful, encouraging things that we share in this forum. I believe that many of us find our way to this site at times when we just need someone to listen and tell us what we need to hear. Just because I say that my fiance is a sadistic turd for leaving the toilet seat up and laughing if I fall in, doesn't necessarily mean that I'm in love with a sick, twisted person...it means that at the moment, I'm really pissed and need you guys to be pissed with me.

sometimes when I'm feeling my emotions and life are out of control I come read everyones words to one another. I might not write much but I'm on here at least a few times a day remebering I'm not the only one dealing with hardships, and when it comes to husband bashing I just it as a moment of hurt coming thru I still can hear the love for ya'll husband most of the times without you breathing a word. Also my husband even encourages me wring on the site to ease my stress and jokes that i can gripe all I want about him b/c he knows I do love him even in the moment of anger.
"God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers." -- A Jewish Proverb

of bashing my husband on this site. However my husband is bipolar & has drug me on a hell of a ride since I married him. He was fine before we got married & was pretty good before our son was born. ABout2 months before our son was born & could see that he was changing, but what happened since our son was born I could have never imagine. From going nuts on my mother & being controlling & at times mentally abusive to hitting me with a heavy shoe on my leg I have endured a lot. He has never gone off his meds & has been trying, but having to care for our son pretty much single handedly, my step sons while they are here ( they are here daily after school & eow ) working my fulltime job & my 1 1/2 hr round trip commute it has wore heavily on me.

BM is better than most but the woman is really stupid at times & doesn't co parent well ( likes to tell us how it will be) and is really good at forcing my DH to pay for extras ( my money$$$ as after child support, daycare for step sons & his half of our bills I am the one who pays for extras & our son.) My life style has changed dramatically severly limiting me from living the life I used to.

I love my husband which is why I have not left him yet. This is really the only place I can let it out as it is humiliating that I put myself in this situation. I am a smart woman & really was a great catch.

I have awhole rant about BM's latest powerplay, but as I had a epidural steriod inj in my back yesterday for my severe back pain & numbeness. I worked from home today & am supposed to be taking it easy & talking about her is not relaxing!

My dh would die if he read all these things, but he would never take the time to. I am excited he has started to read editorials, boards on his hobbies etc., he never would when I met him. I love to hear what people think and why, but not sure a man would understand how, like you said, sometimes we just need someone to listen.

No offense Kevin and Steve! but all this about our partners to me its just finding momentary relief before we go back to deal with them some more. Heck it is hard for me being in a relationship at all, I am supposed to be an old cat lady by now!

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

All partners have their gripes about each other. That's normal. Sometimes reading about husbands who put wives down or treat them badly otherwise, I wonder why women stay with them. It's one thing to have a partner who communicates in a way that seems like he's putting his wife down when what he really means is that he would like to see her doing things differently. But when I read how miserable some women are because the write that their husband acts like a jerk, I wonder why they don't do something about it. If you can't fix it, terminate it. Life is not meant to be all roses and sunshine, but you don't have to take abuse from anyone. If you choose to stay in an unhealthy relationship where he's not willing to try to change, you can't blame him for continuously treating you badly. I am not unsympathetic, but nothing is worth constant hits at your self esteem and happiness. The kids, in my humble opinion, are not a valid excuse to stay together. They feel the tension in the household even if you don't argue in front of them and they will grow up thinking that it's normal to have your partner berate you and treat you like a person who doesn't matter. It's not healthy for them or you.

im one of those thta know the relationship is over but im jsut not quite ready to let go im a bit of a fiesty bitch (red head) and will put up a fight to make things right but im running out of it now !!

life is a box of choclates you never know what your going to get (i
always pick the coffe of the box what about you )

it lessens the likelihood of saying it to his face.

We all say things in anger or frustration that we probably wouldn't say otherwise. I have never had the problems with my DH that some of these women have had... he doesn't parent by guilt, he has always supported my role, he's a hands-on parent to kids and skids alike, he's goes over and above the call as far as being a good provider. The only complaints I've really ever had about my DH stems from things only indirectly step-related. His "oblivious bone" is larger than some people's, except for maybe Cruella's hubby. Otherwise, he's a pretty good guy most of the time. But that doesn't mean he doesn't piss me off to no end and I would much rather dump my hostility here than on him.

For the stepmoms here who have DH's who aren't supporting them, aren't teaching the skids how to respect them as equal co-parents, aren't insulating them and the relationship from the BM, etc., they do have lots of room bitch and moan. Hey, if you don't let it out, you'll eventually explode.

I don't think griping about our significant others means that we necessarily made a bad choice. For some of us, maybe, who went ahead when the signs were already there, but not for all of us. I know in my own situation, the status quo changed drastically when DH and I got married, again when he adopted my child from my previous marriage and still again when I got pregnant with our daughter. BM went off, filed lawsuits, created havoc in our life that wasn't there before, stopped allowing visitation... none of these things could have been predicted. I couldn't have predicted her turning into a monster. I couldn't have predicted how DH would handle it or how I would have handled it. I couldn't have predicted what the fallout would be. You just cannot know the future. I chose my husband seven years ago, when he and BM were getting along, when she was letting him have mostly unfettered access to the skids, when he was still active duty military and hadn't transitioned to civilion -ick!- life, before he deployed to Afghanistan and came home a different man, etc. We've had our fair share of bad times and I have done lots of venting about them and him, but that doesn't mean I made a bad choice. I made a good choice. Unfortunately, sometimes bad things happen that are beyond our control. That doesn't reflect poorly on us. That's just life.

♥ Georgia, the un-stepmom ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

We come here to vent and sometimes lose site of everything else. But like Georgia said, by getting it off our chests here, we are saving our marriages. We all obviously love our mates. Otherwise we would not go through everything that we do for them. Life gets in the way and sometimes we cannot see that love as clearly as we did in the beginning. It is nice when someone posts something good about their DH or Skids. We all need a place to voice our happiness and sorrow. That is what we are here for. But I think more of the negative makes it here because it is what we are holding inside and cannot release anywhere else. The positives are usually reserved for the people we feel it about. I mean, when DH is doing a great job and everything is good, we tend to spend more time with him, do more things for him, communicate better, etc. Therefore we do not need to vent as much here. But maybe it would be beneficial to occassionally stop and post something nice about our men and the kids that they brought into our lives.

Oh, and Georgia... you just enjoy roller coaster rides

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."