IT'S OVER!

It's over! I'm tired of being disrespected and treated in a manner that no one in a relationship should ever be treated! I just broke up with my DBF of 9 total years and there is no looking back....I feel like all that I've been through was a total waste of time that I can never get back. All the counseling...a waste...all the talking...a waste...and what am I left with? My heart is broken and I don't know how I will go forward from this point...
DA

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I am sorry as well...

Many of us (me included) have been where you are - sometimes the ex's realize what they lost; sometimes they don't. What does matter is you and your life. When my relationship ended I decided I wanted to concentrate on getting back to who I was -- I lost weight; got back into physical shape; began doing things with my friends again; decided to advance my career; and I spent more time with my daughter. All of those things helped me get through the post break up. The people on here are/were supportive as well.

This can be a tough time, but a time where you can enjoy yourself and grow and feel better about who you are. My ex gf did not come back to me nor would I want her too. Sometimes we are better off without the dsyfunctional drama and mistreatment. That probably doesn't make you feel any better right now than it did me six months ago. Yet, for me now it does make me feel better.

Spend time with your friends and family, do things for yourself for a change. It gets better and we will be here to let you vent.

Kevin

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Sorry that you have to go through this.

"For the love of herself, she acknowledged her worth."

I am also sorry, but who knows?

Things are going to be rough right now but once you reach the other side you may just look back and wonder why you waited so long to do what you did (which takes a lot of guts, so kudos to you!).

I agree with Kevin...sometimes we *are* better off without all that peripheral BS that just makes our lives miserable.

Hang in there kiddo!

You will be just fine!

Comparatively speaking, the break-up should be a piece of cake compared to nine years of putting up with all you have put up with. I know you will come out of this stronger, better and perfectly FINE. Give yourself plenty of time to feel whatever you need to feel. It's not wasted time, it's just life. This is not an ending. It's a BEGINNING! When you're done feeling miserable, go out and enjoy your life again. You deserve it!

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Hard to even write anything

Hard to even write anything right now. I'm experiencing deep anger and hurt.

I really do appreciate the comments and words of encouragement. Just having a really hard time just breathing right now...
DA

understand your anger and hurt

you feel what you feel for a reason, will it be forever probably not!!
you have been thru sooo much just hang on.
I am feeling a little of what you must be feeling right now, my FH keeps telling me how he wants to make me happy and wants to know what he can do...then we I give him examples he says I ask for too much from him?? WTF...
it is enough to just not walk away.
We are here DA...

“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”

Georgia's right.

If you are strong enough to stay in it for 9 years and endure all of that.

Then you are just as strong to pick yourself up (even if you passed out on the floor) dust yourself off, and begin to begin again.

You can do this. Time is on your side. And so are a lot of kick-ass women!!!!!!!!!!

Be nice to yourself. Treat yourself. Take it easy on yourself.
YOU are all that matters.

Wifi
www.anothermama.com

My heart aches for you

It must be very tough for you after so long. This path we choose is a very rocky one.
Take everyone's advice here. Take it easy, focus on yourself and your kids! Remember, you left for a reason! Remind yourself of that whenever you feel sad.
We are all here for you!
Georgie

Time will heal the wounds...

Although it was funny, yesterday I went into Walmart here in town to buy some new jeans. As I was walking in, the ex gf's brother and sister in law were walking out. Oh man, did I get dirty looks. So I am sure that the ex gf has been trashing my name from here to everywhere because her kids are now worse that I am gone and its my fault. Almost a year later!

Nevermind that my daughter is doing wonderful!

Then at lunch today I saw her niece at McDonalds. This lady had been there when the ex gf's kids through one of the temper tantrums in June. She smiled and waved at me -- I just politely waved back and went on. She and her daughter were in the play area and I was leaving. I sure as heck wasn't going to go out of my way to be friendly after the way I have been treated.

I seriously believe that most people have tunnel vision and they cannot see the situation right in front of them. Or they are in denial. Yes, kids are the most wonderful and precious thing in the world, but we have a responsibility as a parent to sometimes do things that we don't like -- discipline; giving medication; making them do homework; etc.

Maybe I just need a vacation to someplace that is warm!

Kevin

Spoke with my Counselor today

I put in a call to the Counselor/Therapist we've/I've been seeing for the past 2 years now to tell her of the break-up and ask for advice. After I explained what had taken place over the weekend, She just couldn't believe that after all that we've been through and thinking it was now behind us that it has come to this. She told me I had every right to do what I did and that she had also received a message from him as well, yesterday I think she said. She hadn't talk to him yet, but she made it clear to me that she was going to get back in touch with him and let him know that he really has lost me over all of this. She said that he is co-dependant on his daughters as strange as that sounds...I mentioned yes...it is very unhealthy the way he can't/won't ever say no to either of them. She did mention I had every right to stand up for myself and that he should have told his daughter no when it came to changing our plans and she was also disappointed that he left and took her regardless of how I felt about it...anyway...enough of that...I'm very numb right now...I think I've worn myself out crying, screaming at him. I'm going to see if I can take a nap before making dinner for my son. I'm craving sleep...the kind where you climb under the covers up to your chin sleep...just to escape my racing thougths.
DA

I wish you the best. Only

I wish you the best. Only you know how much you can take and when to call it quits. I guess you finally had enough! I dont blame you one bit. It will be hard at first but everytime you feel lonely or have second thoughts, just talk yourself out of it. Remember the reason why you made your decision. You deserve better. At least you can look back on all you did and say that you gave it a try.

"Just because you can give birth, doesn't mean you should"

Get it all out

So sorry to hear about the break up.

Something that has always help me to ease my soul and pain -- keep a journal and write a letter to him expressing how you really feel, the hurt, the betrayal, the waste, etc. Even if you never send him the letter it's good counsel. Then if you want, send it just for your peace of mind.

Another Perspective

Maybe this breakup is what he needed so that he could see how far and how off he is and that he won't be able to keep any relationship with a woman if he'd rather have this enabling relationship with his daughter. Co-dependency is a twisted desire to rescue and feed own's ego(pride) and guilt. Some people never deal with it, and go on to live miserable lives. I hope he deals it sooner rather than later. :O(

In my fit of anger when I

In my fit of anger when I broke up...I was horrible because I was incredibly angry. I told him to make sure to let the next woman he dates know up front that his daughters had his balls on a golden platter and that she would "always" be second in everyway. That he would break plans if they wanted his time etc...that if they ever wanted to go public places with him when the ex or daughters would be there to just forget it. To tell them also that he didn't care how they would feel when he would run and do the extra's for Ex-wife. I purged every thing he ever did to me when we broke up. He told me that I was just down right "mean" saying what I did.
DA
DA

Leading...

by the testicles -- i'm going to steal that phrase from you mustang!!! :O)!

Actually the truth of it is quite scary and very funny.

thanks again.

put one foot in front of the other.....

It is truly a baby step process to alter your world from what you know , to what you don't. Beautiful thing is , like Kevin said you can now make choices for yourself, focus on what you want rather than all the emotional drama.
I know you will be lacking energy for a while and have to make yourself do things that your head tells you are good for you when all other parts resist! LOL
You can do it!
I have doen it to and am still here to talk about it
It truly does get much easier, just never as fast as we would like .

Today

Well, another day has come and gone...he is still living here...we are just in separate parts of the home until all things are settled financially. I'm still feeling very numb..which is better than the intial anger and hurt.

I spoke again with my counselor today and she said that she had spoken to him today and that he told her "he wanted to go to that book fair with his daughter" just like I thought. He admits no wrong at all according to her. He did tell her that I should have been more accomodating to his daughters wishes! I know NOW truly I made the RIGHT decision the only decision under the circumstances. She wants us both to come in for one more session and see if it can be worked out. I told her "what can be worked out when we sat in counseling for months and ironed out this issue" and then he just went and did the opposite. If he is not going to respect the boundaries we decided on then there is nothing more to do except stay broken-up. I did ask to see her one on one to help me move forward and try to heal.

Also, wanted to mention something else...I haven't spoken to him today and around 6 p.m. he calls me on my cell. He asks "is everything ok?" I'm like "what do you mean". He goes on to say that "he felt like something was wrong". I said "wrong"? Like what??? He said that "he just had this really strong feeling to call and make sure we were ok". I told him we're fine. Then he says "ok well I gotta go now, so I'll talk to you later". We hung up and then a couple minutes later I'm thinking...he just called to check up on me! I called him back and ask him if that was what he was doing and goes " no, I was just concerned and had a bad feeling". What do you make of that??? Any insight anyone???
DA

Today

I spoke again with my counselor today and she said that she had spoken to him today and that he told her "he wanted to go to that book fair with his daughter" just like I thought. He admits no wrong at all according to her. He did tell her that I should have been more accommodating to his daughters wishes! I know NOW truly I made the RIGHT decision the only decision under the circumstances. She wants us both to come in for one more session and see if it can be worked out. I told her "what can be worked out when we sat in counseling for months and ironed out this issue" and then he just went and did the opposite. If he is not going to respect the boundaries we decided on then there is nothing more to do except stay broken-up. I did ask to see her one on one to help me move forward and try to heal.

phone call

To me the phone call sounds like he wants to make up and that he thinks you are still together.

"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil

One thing at a time...

When a break up occurs people tend to think "what if" and thats natural. It will take some time to get your feet back under you and figure out what you want and how you are going to get there.

I think you are right, he was calling to check up on you and/or maybe seeing if you are thinking differently. The extra counseling session might not hurt -- if you think he can/will change. Sometimes things just are overwhelming. I know I was so fed up last May and it never ever got better.

Being in the same house? Ugh thats like pergatory. No possible answer. I felt so much better when I moved out. More relaxed and I started sleeping better. Once in a while I am lonely, but amazingly enough I found out I had more friends than I remembered or thought that I had. Those friendships are what makes life worth living.

It will be okay for you. Give it time and like Need2vent said -- take it one step at a time.

Kevin

Right now at this moment

Right now at this moment before going to bed I don't know if I'm coming or going! Does that make sense??? I'm feeling confused and tired...last night I didn't sleep at all, just tossed and turned wide awake it seemed all night..then had to get up and go to work ugh! Don't get me wrong...I enjoy my work...it is just that I'm a guest speaker at schools and guess what my main topic is positive healthy communications! Hearing myself talk to others about having healthy relationships! Today, I felt like I was going to start crying between classes! Anyway, I hope that whatever happens, happens quickly because this feeling of emotional upset is just too much! Kevin, did you feel crazy like this right after your break-up??
DA

Where I was at....

Is probably not a good comparison. My father had died in April and I had put up with her kids screaming temper tantrums for almost three years. When I finally told her I was done in August, I was okay with things. Went out on dates with several different women. Got my priorities straight (least it felt that way to me) was going to the gym; getting work done; spending lots and lots of quality time with Katie.

In October I started feeling blue -- at first I thought it was that I missed her, but I realized I was missing my dad. I was driving and the thought kept running through my head that I wanted to call her and I stopped. I realized who I really wanted to talk to was my dad.

My friends were extremely supportive and encouraging. I went to a counselor a couple times and he reinforced that what was happening had been a dysfunctional relationship. He didn't take sides, he just pointed out how I was feeling before hand and how I felt then (now). He reinforced my self worth if you will.

I reconnected with friendships that I had let slide. Started going to meetings of organizations that I had stopped going to when I was with the ex gf. The people there had missed me. The people there wanted me to get back involved. The people there like me.

November and December were hard months -- holidays. Yet, I do believe they were harder because of the loss of my dad rather than the end of the relationship.

I went out and bought books on recovery from break ups and books on dating again. Reading can help you heal the wounds. Just go on Amazon.com and you can find hundreds of books on the subject.

This site helped me keep things in perspective. I never felt like I was being judged or that I was being pushed one way or the other. Exactly the opposite. People on here were supportive no matter what I would have chosen.

You are in the toughest time right now -- the support network is not quite there; you may not have found the hobbies and activities that will keep your mind active. There are books on how to heal a heartbreak in 30 days. Some of them have good advice; some of them are not worth the price.

Remember there are stages of grief -- sadness; depression; anger; apathy and then moving on. Learn to recognize where you are at. If you think you would benefit from counseling just to deal with your grief and anger, then go. Nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.

Talk to your doctor if the not sleeping continues. There are mild sleep aids and there are stronger things like Ambien and Lunesta. Remember if you can't sleep you probably can't function.

Going to the gym is so great for me. I sleep better. I feel better and the stress and anger is much less. I have been working out long enough that I am lifting more weights than some of the really heavy body builders. Its kind of nice to get looks from the girls there -- and (male pig that I am) I will look back at some of the cuter girls.

Start making a list of the good things and bad things you found in this relationship. That can help you figuring out what you really want and can help you deal with the sorrow. Anger can be a good friend if its kept in perspective and controlled.

There are a thousand ways you can get over this -- find the most positive ways. It hurts. No one will lie to you on here. The good thing on here, is that people with perspective and experience will also tell you you may have dodged something much, much worse than what you are going through now.

Maybe had my ex tried more we might have still been together. Maybe had my ex not ended it on such a sour note and apologized we might have reconciled. You know what though? She didn't. I tried. I gave it my best shot and can look at myself in the mirror every morning knowing that I did the best I could. That my motivation was for the best thing for her and I; my daughter and her kids.

Now as I contemplate new relationships, I am not ashamed of myself and my actions. I have the opportunity to start a happy, healthy relationship. Sadly, the ex gf (like a lot of DH's on here will not and probably will be single for 4 years like she was when I met her -- or at least until her kids have moved away from the house).

Just remember that the people on here will support YOU.

Kevin

Yes, I agree about testing

Yes, I agree about testing the waters especially after he called again around 7p.m. and left a voice message saying he just called to say "hi". I called him back later and after talking for a few mins. and I mentioned that I knew he had talked to the counselor today, he said that he thought that once the "dust settled" that maybe we could work things out but it sounded like from the counselor that it I was through with the relationship. I stated I don't have any optiions since you don't/didn't see anything wrong with how you treated me. He then went on to ask "don't you want to work things out" and "what do you want to happen"??? I told him again, I can't change how he treats me with regards to his daughters! I told I wish we could work things out, but the reality is that unless he acknowledges that what is did was unfair, insensitive and he apolizges I can't move forward and work things out. Of course, everything was re-hashed over and over with the same results and before he hangs up he says "he wants to think about things more" like he is the one breaking up with me! I really think he believes he has done nothing wrong! Just incredible!

Trying to MakeUp

Yeah, he's trying to makeup but it will take alot more than a few calls of concern. He's got a lot of making up to do. It's on you. Stick to your boundaries and try your best to not get bitter. Whatever you decide look for peace of heart in your decisions and convictions. You have a right to feel betrayed, disrespected and neglected. Right now, take your time, be cordial and stay firm.

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