First of all you need to not dwell on bm. Your beginning a new life with your dh and obviously he picked you so the bm is apparently still hurting. I say that because of all the unecessary court dates. Its probably the only card left for her so know it for what it is. See the problem many of the women on here have is, their husband will not back them up, a big marital problem; but one you shouldn't tackle until after the baby, and your up to it imo.
Honestly, its not something you should ignore as a another poster has said because it won't go away. You really need to talk to your husband and say enough is enough. Let her have full custody pay her based on income and frankly go on. Give her the home number only for emergencys and if the child is old enough have her call, make it a rule even and be a united front in getting this woman out of your life. Yes it can be done, we did that and what a change in our marriage and life. Its like ignoring a stalker, can't be done until you take action. So you might have to change cities, phone numbers ect. but I would make sure my husband knows I don't give a poop if she's angry. Your lives will not revolve around her, and if she does take you to court you'll have good representation to protect yourselves. So no do NOT walk on egg shells, and down the road be prepared to give the new rules to husband. Meaning there's only going to be one cook in your kitchen from now on. Like I said don't dwell on her but make a good plan to disengage, good luck!!! Judy

I never had a problem with that, probably because It was a bad relationship and the fact that they're not together proves it. Sounds like your dh wasn't there for the early years, so like mine there was no "they" raising the child. I have seen some good co-parenting among ex's but for the most part the raising is done in the respective homes. I believe a lot of bms are angry when its them raising the child and then sm and dh together. The reality hits hard when bm realizes her and dh are not raising the child together, and sometimes that results in a bitter bm. If your bm hasn't found anyone to help her, that may be the number one reason for your problems. I would make strides to separate yourselves from bm, and since the daughter is older now there shouldn't be too many reasons to talk to the mother. You can still have a good relationship with sd, but leave bm out of it. When you have the visits, its not bms business what goes on, you be the coparent, and the same with bm on her time. If your dh is that agreeable I wouldn't focus on her giving birth, apparently that was not a good situation. Otherwise he would still be with her!! Having kids in a bad relationship is usually not something a man cherishes so for your own sake I hope you stop fantasizing.

Well, I do have to say that I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. Although my fiance and I aren't married, we are expecting a beautiful baby boy this May. His ex-wife is let's say, not at the least adult about it. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage, and she won't let us take the kids at all if it is not our time because "we can play family on our time". She wasn't this bad until she found out that I was pregnant, and then she went nutso. She also did the same vehicle trick with us. She bought the exact same car that I have except it is a different color. Of course, she has talked their children into saying that her car is better (although it is exactly the same). Before I was pregnant, we had a easy time blowing her off, but now that I am going to be bringing my own child into this, it has put a little but of a weight on me and my fiances relationship. I don't know how to help you, but I did want to tell you that I fully understand.

OK, the copy-cat thing must be a standard with BMs. I'm suprised to see so many others with the same situation. First-history: My DH and I were high school sweethearts...first loves. He messes up (in a nutshell) and has my SS w/ another woman. They were together a year, then he came back to me. (I loved him so much and forgave him w/ time..took it slow.) Eventually we got married and had our son...our son and my SS are best buds...and I've raised SS since he was 1.5 yrs. DH has full custody, and BM pays child support. WE were in and out of court for 5 yrs, but she lost every time due to her drugs and unacceptable behavior-both in her private and her mothering life. Anyway, she has always hated/resented/wished I did not exist since SS lives w/ us and I do everything for him. I just always took it upon myself to take care of everything...PTA, dr. appointments, haircuts, soccer, etc. Technically DH is the leader of the situation, and I'm like the project manager so-to-speak. Anymore, she even calls and asks for me if she has a question about something, or needs extra time for a party, etc. And I'm fine w/ talking to her since I'm the mom of our house/scheduler/etc. It works out, and we get along for the most part. (We didn't used to-she's a fighter and once tried to run over DH w/ a truck, attacked me when I was pregnant, smoked drugs around SS, just to name a few.) However, all the fines in court taught her to at least be civil. In a nutshell, I am in charge and I hate it. But I couldn't be on the other end...letting her act like some of the above stories-unacceptable. My family being a happy one with a mom founding the principles of home-life is way too important to me. Cannot let some crazy person destroy that, as much as she wishes she could. See, we get along on the outside, but mutually we both hate each other's guts. She hates me for raising her son more than she gets to (although due to her own choices she made) and having the perfect family/dream life she hungers for. And I hate her for even existing in my life, and for always trying to be like us and do everything we do. At first I was flattered when she copied things...we'd go to a water park, she'd take him the next weekend. When we bought SS a fourwheeler...she saved tips for months and did the same thing. She used to say she hated pink..now she where's pink all the time (b/c I do and she knows it's my fav color). After we had our son and gave SS a bro, she went and got knocked up randomly 2 months later. She does and gets (if she can afford it) anything and everything we do. At first, I just laughed it off...she was so obvious it was ridiculus. AFter a while I found myself looking for new things to try/do just b/c everything we always did..she would do too. It takes the specialness out of it...knowing she copies and tries to make SS act like it's so awesome w/ her too. For now, the situation works...we go on...I manage everything while she acts like a 3rd child to me. I could go into more...so much more...but I don't think there is any real fix to the stepfamily thing...Just have the best intentions you can have and it will be ok. I never have 100% good intentions, b/c deep down I hater her and the fact that we have to deal w/ her and SS, etc. But I save those emotions for my husband...he has to be there for me if I'm to be there for him. I get through ea day civilly w/ her..lay down the law to her and be calm/assertive. She doesn't like it..I know..but she has no choice if she wants to be involved. And it works b/c she lets it, and that's the way our stepfamily world goes around. Hope someone out there can re-late...haven't seen too many others w/ same dominant situation as me...but it's way better than the other way around!!

I read my blog and realized I was unclear on a point. I mentioned that I am in charge and I hate it. I am in charge b/c I can't stand not to be if she is to be involved in my life like ths. On the other hand it drives me crazy that I even have to deal w/ it/deal w/ her...mostly b/c I'm human and b/c of her constant erroneous behavior. But it is so important to me to be in charge of my household-to be a leader for my boys and a supportive wife for my husband. If I chose to stand in the corner and let her interfere with things... I would not really be being a leader, would I? I refuse to act differently than I would if we were not a stepfamily...if I was submissive or whatever, that would not be fair to our son, to my DH, or to my SS. What kind of message does that send? It may not seem like it sends a message, but it does...chances are that plays a part in the misery the above stepparents are going through. Regardless, I am miserable too...it eats away at me every day. Actually I feel I'm not myself completely anyway since I get realy annoyed when my SS is here. (Which is most of the time, obviously.) I love him to death, but can't stand him at the same time...guess it's the whole reminder/she's involved thing. Don't know...wish I did. But I just go on..

Why did they exclude you in some court situations, if you don't mind my asking? I was always w/ my DH too, but always present..different states maybe? The BM always does the thing w/ SS-taking him everywhere we go..like you said your BM does. And worse, she tries to dress/wear everything and anything I do...she gets the same shoes, shirts, makeup, to name a few. It's weird b/c-me- I would rather go out of my way to make sure I don't have "her stuff," let alone purposely copy her! You are not the only one w/ those things. That's rough that your DH kisses her ass, etc. My husband is very supportive of me..he can't stand her, but is nice/civil w/ her. As mentioned, I mostly deal w/ BM concerning inter-family SS info., but he's always 100% on my side and does what he can to show me that. I am very grateful for it, but sometimes it's still very hard. Do you call your SD on a regular basis, how does your phone situation go?