OMG. My heart is broken for you. PLEASE tell your wife that this counseling is not about cheating. It's about step parenting. YES, your children's well being should come first. If you don't stand up for them NOONE will. It is important that the 2 of you seek help. Remember, that your wife maybe overwhelmed. She is pregnant and caring for 3 children. HELP her out in every way that you can. HELP her with YOUR children. DO NOT expect her to do it all. Give her some love and understanding. Set boundaries. Make sure both of you understand them. Make rules for the children and both of you make sure they keep them. Most of all your wife is pregnant and she may be overwhelmed! GOOD LUCK. Let us know how it goes!

i would suggest that you read through some of the problems and complaints that other step mothers on this site have. that may give you some perspective on what is going through your wife's head right now.

also, i would track Riley's posts to find the one where she very tactfully explains about your relationship with the spouse coming first to give a solid basis for the kids (all of them - not just the one on the way).

i can see how counseling would be scary and a seeming waste of time from her point of view, but i bet that if you were willing to give a little on some things, she would see your effort and be more willing to give in on other things. it's hard to be the one taking the first step, but it sounds like you are willing to do anything at this point.

good luck

There are many ways to view this problem and no one approach might be perfect. I believe that since you (from your post, this is what I understood) have custody of your children-------and your current wife treats them like "crap" & she doesn't want to get help, your first duty is to "protect" those kids. After protecting those children, where they feel safe and their "well being" is not in jeopardy, you should then try to deal with the pregnant wife. But, your first priority should be those kids.

The Brady Bunch may not be possible here, but that doesn't mean you can't have a happy home with the step situation here.

Just my take on it. You'll get lots of suggestions on this site.

Good luck. Hope you find your way through all of this.

Are you sure she's treating them like "crap"? Can you be more specific? Exactly what is it she is doing? Do you know, or are you just taking your kids word for it?

So many things could be going on here, it's hard to give you advice without more information.

that DH & I have to put ourselves first children second. Because if we are happy then they will. Sometimes when the SS's are here I have felt like DH put's them first & ignores me & leave me alone to take care of our baby. He then wonders why I am crabby.

She also says that it is totally natural that I not love them the same way he does because we have not bonded since birth like he has.

What is she & her son doing to your kids? How are they in respect to her?

Bio parents are sometimes oblivious to their kids bad behavior. You might think that she treats them like"crap" but you might not be seeing their behavior from her point. With some step parents its like they are on the outside looking in and their eyes are more perceptive than bio parents. I see things that my SK do that FH don't see and he says that i am mean and that is not the case at all. I just don't believe that children should treat and talk to adults any kind of way. And when they talk to him like that i correct their behavior. He was like if doesn't bother him it shouldn't bother me. i see it like if they talk to you like that how do you think they are talking to their teachers or other adults.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

I will comment from the point of view of a SM whose husband has said the same thing about her. He said I was treating his daughter (8 when we married, now 14) badly. But here's the rub. All along he said he wanted me to treat her like my child. And that was OK as long as it meant indulging her and doing things for her. But as soon as that involved discipline, he got his panties in a bunch. And he wouldn't back me up when she was nasty (yelling in my face, slamming doors, trying to hurt our baby). So the more lax he got, the more strict I got. It was a mess.

I actually don't agree that the bond between parent and child supercedes that between spouses. If your marriage is strong, your relationship with your children will be. They need a positive role model of a good relationship, in order to form good relationships of their own later in life.

Your wife may see the prospect of counseling as a failure. I did. But I convinced my husband to go (he was the reluctant one) and the relationship is now better. Not perfect and certainly not without bumps, but better. Counseling allowed both of us to see the other person's point of view. And I will tell you something. The counselor said, and my husband eventually agreed, that I am in a no-win situation. The SD will never treat me with kindness, and my husband will never step back and let go long enough to see that I am trying to do what's best for her when I discipline her.

Maybe if you could give us some details of how your wife is treating her stepkids like "crap," that would help.

Well, it really does seem that there are some issues here that need to be sorted out. You are not being too sensitive about your children. You sound like a loving, caring father and I would be concerned about your 7 year old if I were you too. It sounds like your wife is having trouble bonding with him. That is not unusual in a situation like this and she needn't feel guilty about it, she just needs to want to do something to change it, if she can. She should not be allowing her son to belittle him in any case. I have always believed it is difficult to love someone elses child the way you love your own and behaviors in some children can be difficult. It might be that she feels resentful of some of your 7 year old's behaviors, that doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't like HIM, she just doesn't like his behavior. If she can accept that, she might be able to move past her resentment or aversion towards him and go forward. Your wife lied to you about the counselor not needing to see her son any longer. Trust is a basic foundation to a good marriage. The issue of not being truthful should be addressed with her as well.

I think the adults in your household need counseling even more than the kids at this point. Have the two of you ever thought about getting some help from someone who specializes in step family issues? It might help. If the adults can work on their own issues and feelings here, the kids might just come around on their own.

Hi Steve: I sympathize with your situation, and feel you should be concerned at how your 7 year old is being treated, I would be. I have a question though, did the lack of concern over her son's treatment of your son change once your wife became pregnant? I ask because I am currently pregnant, and I have found that since the hormones kicked in, I am overwhelmed MUCH more easily by my stepchildren. And I have a much lower tolerance for any issues that may arise, whether they are caused by them or not. It is possible her hormones have altered her perception, that is why I am asking.

I agree that the adults need counseling regardless, but please, don't give up on her before first getting help, especially not while she is pregnant.

Best of luck!