I just want to give up!!
I only get on here once in a while because if my wife knew that I was on here she would have a fit, and especially if she knew that I was blogging about her precious golden child. I am really now completely and totally fed up with the whole situation that I'm in and I think that I am ready to just get the hell out for my sake and my childrens' sakes. I feel like a prisoner in my own home now. I can't even scold my SS without him running to his "Mommy" and telling her. The other day he was standing in the doorway to the house and my daughter wanted to go inside, but he wouldn't move out of her way, so I asked him to please move out of her way, so he did and then he moved right back in the way when my son wanted to go in the house. Once again, I asked him to please move out of the way and this time he just stood there and looked at me like I was some f###ing retard!!! I asked him again to move and he just stood there, so I physically moved him out of the way so my son could go into the house. He then proceeded to go to the other end of the house and slam stuff around until his Mom came and asked what the problem was and he told her that I was a jerk and pushed him(which I did not!). Of course she believed him over me, and that's the way it is ALL the time anymore. She chooses him over anybody else no matter who it is. It's so bad that I won't tell my SS that I love him anymore because I really feel that I don't. As a matter of fact, I really am beginning to think that I hate the kid and I don't like feeling that way. What do I do? I've talked to my wife about this in the past and it always comes back to her thinking that it's my kids' fault that her son acts the way he does, but she doesn't even see it when he acts that way with his biological sister. It just seems funny to me that SS has problem with my oldest son and it's my son's fault, he has a problem with my youngest son and it's my youngest son's fault, he has a problem with my SD and it's her fault. What the hell am I missing here? There is only one common denominator here...can somebody please tell me what that is, so I know that I'm not the only one who thinks so?!!! There is a lot more to this whole story, but I'm running out of time to write, right now. I just want some opinions. Am I being stupid for thinking about ending my marriage over a kid? Obviously my wife must not care about me enough to want her son to change. Please help me if you can!!!
Always wrong!!!
Steve
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Comments
counseling
I would try counseling before you throw the marriage away.
couseling
Well, no fear that is the route I am taking. I think that getting all that frustration out in the open would be beneficial for you. A counsellor will also provide some insight to your wife relating to her attitude. Good Luck..I know how you feel.
I have read your prior posts
I think enough is enough. Give her a choice - counseling or you are gone with your kids. counseling may not work but if you feel its worth it give it a try. Your posts go back almost a year. I give you a lot of credit for sticking it out this long but where does your rope end?
Sounds like
you made a mistake in getting together with this person. That'd what I'd tell my son-----sorry for being so abrupt. Don't let your child suffer. Move on, and don't marry anyone else. Wait til he's 18. Nurture him, love him, protect him. That's what I'd tell my son if he were in your shoes. I will be plumeted with a thousand tomatoes---but truly, think about this option.
Timing is very important in a relationship.
mate i feel for you
you really sound like you have had enough, and i dont blame you. Us step parents do more sometimes then the parents but it always blows up in our face ... that my problem at present .
Do you still love your wife? Does she ever listen? If there isnt any communication between you two and she's not even willing to listen to you as the adult maybe its best to leave , it could make her see her son for what he is doing!
good luck
The Best Thing...
I think the best thing parents can do is have their relationship be the primary, strongest relationship. It benefits everyone in the family. In step families there is so much going on in everyone's head - parents struggling with guilt, kids unconsciously blaming the stepparent for the fact their bio parents won't be together again, territorialism, etc. It sounds like if your wife and you can't get together on how things will run in your home and if you can't develop a loving relationship (it sounds like you are both resentful of one another), what is the point of going through torture? On the other hand, if you can get a good counselor, communicate (which means both of you hearing the other), and start to feel love and respect for everyone in the house again - I would give it a try. Maybe a separation would be good while you try to work things out.
I had a similar situation - my husband allowed his daughter to run the show. He always defended her, even when she was clearly in the wrong. He believed her even when she was lying about everything. The parental blind spot was so strong, he missed that she was deeply in trouble with drugs and alcohol. I knew it and couldn't stand to watch her go down the road. Since I couldn't do a thing since hubby wouldn't believe me (he would never have a child that would do that!), I left. When his eyes opened, it was a devastating time for him. We did go to counseling, our marriage is doing better, we are living together and SD is with her BM, but it damaged his relationship with her and I am, of course, the worst human being in the universe in her eyes. Oh well. In the long run, the kids hopefully grow up and move on and your marriage remains. The road may be bumpy and long, but you are the only one who can feel in your heart if you want to take it. Good luck to you.
ANSWER- UNITED
Ok. This is a power-struggle situation. The kid (SS) knows he can cause waves at home, and he does it on purpose. He gets your response, he feels, knows he can make you upset. He knows his mommy will choose him over you and protect him. that reinforces his power to him. this power is the symbol of love for him. He "says" he needs more attention basically. he needs time alone with his mom it looks like to me- without the other siblings. (!) not all kids are the same. some are ok just being with parents and siblings together, some need to "own" their mother alone sometimes!
I think it is a situation that can be solved only between YOU and your WIFE ! She has to be on your side!
Children have to know you are UNITED! In any situation, not only stepfamily situation. But if there are bio kids and stepkids involved too, it gets into a fight for power at home. and there is no question about that: the power is in the hands of the MAN and the WOMAN's hands. In the hand of the PARENTS! children have to know their place.
I think YOU SHOULD TRY:
- discuss it with your wife. parents have to be equal in the children's eyes! they have to be a united team!
you have to agree on handling him. ASK HELP FROM HER, do not give orders to her, do not blame her. just tell her the situation makes you feel powerless. tell her you NEED her HELP. Tell her you love SS too, and you think about him too, not only yourself . It is important for this kid's personal developement too. (so he learns right from wrong, and does not grow up to be a manipulative and selfish adult... do not say this though - I am just telling you)
- ask her if she thinks her son needs little alone time with her. offer you watch the other kids, and let her take him out somewhere alone. She can tell she goes to the post office, etc. and needs a little help, XY , please come with mommy... and it does not look like he "won" time with mommy, but he can actually be helpful to her.
Good luck!