I sometimes wonder: the other side of the looking glass

Most people on this site seem to strongly dislike the BM, myself included. And many of us have the same list of top gripes.

Do you think BM's have the same issues with us step-parents? I wonder what they would be? And do you think they have a web site like this one to vent?

It might be a first step towards "all getting along" if we had knowledge of our respective transgressions.

Why do you think they hate us so much?

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step wives

I found a book a few years ago called "step-wives" It gives both sides of the story and can be helpful. I actually tried to share it with my "step-wife" and she pretty much blew me off. I think they hate us so much because we have their life (the one they should have had) and they are hell bent on making their ex suffer. Their only tool is their children. Even if they think they are doing what is in the best interest of their children, they do things that are detrimental to them. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

I have learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
–Henry David Thoreau

fair enough but...

But what if she wasn't scorned? What if it was the wife's choice to leave the marriage?

In my situation she bolted from her marriage without stating a very good reason and got a nice, comfy settlement. She got everything she wanted, including weekends off from mothering. Yet she still hates me! I don't understand. But I'll pick up that book. Thanks for the recommendation.

Who knows about their relationship

I tried for a long time to understand this woman in our life. People divorce for all kinds of reasons. I think they were both scorned. I don't think she ever liked my husband, she thought she had a good meal ticket and all of her dreams would come true. I think if she actually liked him, they would have gotten along and worked through their issues. So, my husband took good care of her when he left and he has major guilt about leaving, but she is doing fine. She is scorned because she didn't get what she wanted. I don't know if she were the one to leave if she would still feel that way. My guess is yes, because she would blame him for her unhappiness. Also, I've tried to literally put myself in her shoes. How would I feel about another woman influencing my child. Basically NO THANK YOU. So, I think it is difficult for her. I don't know if that says anything or not. On the book note, I found it helpful even if she didn't want to read it.

i guess you have a point

about having another woman influence ones child. Even if the ex DID "choose " it, I guess it can't be fun. never really thought of it that way. I figured she'd be happy to have someone who is taking on the role with love and commitment. silly me, I guess.

oh, and Kathleen, you've got balls

i just looked up the book on Amazon and I admire your nerve at sharing that with your "step-wife". That's so magnanimous of you. I wonder if I'd have the courage to do that. Did she blow you off or throw the gesture back in your face?

Through the looking glass...

I am a stepmother, a bio-mother and an ex-wife...
It's possible to be amicable with the ex and coparent successfully for the sake of the children, but it really depends on the individuals involved.
I have been successful in one relationship and continue to fail miserably in the other and I believe that if my children's stepmother was a different person with a completely different mindset, things might go a bit more smoothly...

I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.
J. D. Salinger

She thought I was telling

She thought I was telling her what to do and threw it back in my face. Literally with a wave of her arm.

I tried for years to be

I tried for years to be understanding that BM might have felt upset by my presence in her daughters life and it might not have been easy to see me w/ DH, especially since he was ready to marry me after just a few months and never asked her in six years of on and off- I gave her every excuse for years before I just resolved that unfortunately her personality is that of the constant "victim", she will dig herself in ten feet while still holding the shovel start crying for help because LOOK AT HOW UNFAIR IT IS THAT SHE IS DOWN THERE! In our case we BOTH did work for years to have a friendly relationship w/ BM and it just made things worse with her since she refuses to just get over him and move on with her life.
I firmly believe in life you make all the plans, draft all the pictures of how you want it to be but do so knowing that it's a blueprint and there is no guarantee any part of it will turn out the way we plan, we cope and redraw- some people just don't do it and become bitter.

There is no reaon where logic does not exist

I'm a SM, BM and ExWife

I get along great with my daughter's step mother. She's an angel that helps me raise my daughter the way her father and I feel she should be raised. She is very considerate to the fact that I have sole custody and will consult me if need be while BD is over for visitation. Believe it or not she is actually a very nice person.
Now my SD's mother (BM) is a different story. I don't dislike her because she is my husband's ex wife. I dislike her because she an idiot. I swear my 11 year old SD is smarter and more mature than BM. When you talk to her it's like talking to a 1st grader....literally. It's the last minute phone calls that we get...it's a lot of stuff. I'm sure if she were a more intelligent person we would get along fine....but she's not so we don't. We don't argue in front of SD but it's just known between both of us that we don't like each other. I have to agree with tynkertoyz that it is possible to get along...depending on the individual people.

Good friends are like stars....you don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

crap shoot

I guess what I take from this is that it takes special people to have an amicable situation -- and special people are rare!!!! And if you don't happen to be working with a special person, god help you : )

Getting along with BM

I have really tried to get along with her all these years. I don't think she is a bad person, or a bad mother. I just think she has an agenda and does what she wants regardless, and will hurt us if she doesn't get her way. Example: BM and DH agreed to split X-mas vacation last year so that they both had time with the kids. Two days before school let out she said she wanted to stick to the decree except for the part where she would still get them on X-mas eve. DH would then only have the kids for 3 days of the 3 weeks. She fought back and forth and kept stating that she wanted to stick to the decree. He finally said okay but that meant she didn't get X-mas Eve. When he picked up the kids, they cried and told DH how mean he was that he wouldn't let them see their mom on X-mas eve. She got her cake and ate it too. How could he deny them. Plus he only saw them for 3 days. I'd say that is pretty bitchy, manipulative and quite honestly it falls into the alienation of a parent that the courts frown so much on. I have tried and tried. I have asked to meet for coffee/lunch to talk even to bring along her mother if she felt more comfortable. It never happened. Email conversations have basically gone wrong. I said I would like to maintain consistency in both our homes so that we did the same things she did, making life easier on the kids. I asked her what kind of rules she had. Her response. We just use common sense. Well she has all kinds of rules, ie, no v-necks, high heel shoes, bed time, phone use, no tampons only pads, no r-rated movies, chores. Then she started suggesting I take parenting classes. I have done this, on my own and read everything I get my hands on. I am an adult, a professional, I have had many responsibilities in my day and don't appreciate the judgement. So when I asked if it would be better, I was still willing to try but honestly, this is a woman who has her own ways and really doesn't want much to do with us. The problem is that they come to our home, my home, and I don't know what to do with children that are very subtly taught that there is something wrong with us. Maybe if we knew eachother better and at least liked eachother it would make life easier for all of us. Every attempt so far has fallen in the mud. If making friends or being enemies are my only two options, I'm doomed.

you deserve a medal, kathleen

you sound like you really have tried a very healthy and loving approach. You've tried things I've only thought about doing.

I guess we need a third option here: not frenemies. we'll never be friends. we don't want to be enemies, but we have to 'do business' with someone we not only don't like, but actively resent. (for very good reasons, in my book.)

my husband is great at letting the Ex's transgressions roll off his back. I am not built like that, but maybe there's a Teflon co-parenting approach that would work.

I have posted this before

But I have been married 2x before. both my ex husbands ex wives are now my very best friends and have been for over 25 years. I never had an issue with either one of them and I still to this day love them dearly and visit them when I can.

This BM I am dealing with is a horrible person. I wouldn't throw a bucket of water on her if she were on fire.

No water for the burning BM

Twice successful, Any tips. Someone posted before that it must take two very special people to make this work. I think of myself as a special person and I'm sure my SW (step-wife) thinks the same of herself. I wonder. When did the problems become between the women. Our husbands are the one's in the relationship and the one's divorced. Are we fighting their battles, and for what? I thought we women were suppose to stick together and help each other out.

I know as a step mom, I wanted to be appreciated, even thanked for my efforts with her kids. That never came. I thought she would be happy if I provided for them and showed them a world that they had never seen before. I (we step mom's) took on a lot when we married a man with children. We sacrificed in many ways not just financially, and time with our spouse, but personally too. I was naive and overly optimistic. When I try to stay out of it, I have problems, when I stay in it, I have problems.

I'm a pretty liberal person but I'm becoming very conservative through all of this. I now feel very strongly that people should wait to have sex. That they should not marry before 25 and later if possible. I think pre-marital counseling is essential and for God's sake, do not have children unless you would be okay if your child turns out exactly like the other parent.

I think it would take a lot of personal growth to look within and begin making changes, on both sides of the wifes part. I think I've done that but if we mirror eachother, perhaps I'm not doing it enough. Because over time wouldn't we both be kinder, more appreciative and special?

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I sometimes wonder: the other side of the looking glass

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