pushing resentment ( and a schedule change)
Well I have finally come to terms and can admit that I am starting to feel resentment towards SS5. I never used to feel this way but now that BD is in the picture and know what I want out of MY family, SS is pushing me to resent him through his behaviour and and attitude. He seems to be doing everything he can to make me angry. He constantly goes against what I say. He tries to play his dad against me. Even if his dad and I stay on the same side, it causes tension between us because "SS and I cannot get along" and he can't take it any longer. I don't know how much longer I can handle all of this. Full-time job, 6 month old, 5 year old, building our house, trying to get my pre-baby body back, and overseeing all of the housework. Every second of down time I get, I spend deciding if I should take a nap, clean, do HW, watch tv and relax, shower, go to the gym, or eat. By the time I decide, those few seconds are over and I never got anything accomplished. I am starting to be short with SS and I feel horrible about the way I treat him at times because he doesn't deserve the resentment I have in me for him. It is so hard to want to be around him when he just pushes me down everytime I feel I might be able to stand tall again. I want so much for things to go back to the way they were two years ago when everything was amazing. We were just far enough away from all family to be able to enjoy time with just the 4 of us. We had our way of doing things and it worked wonderfully. The only thing I would add is BD. I want things to be the way they were two years ago but with BD included. SS and I were best friends. SO and I rarely fought. We could do what we want when we want and we didn't have to deal with BM drama. I really need to get into our house, go through the old stuff and figure out what else we want to get, and start putting our life back together in our new home.
That being said, I am hoping that the new schedule change makes things better and not harder. I am hoping that the more consistancy will my relationship with SS and me. I will explain the previous schedule and then the new one
OLD SCHEDULE:
Sun 3pm- Mon 830pm (usually spent the night monday night and went home at 6 on tuesday but that wasn't the agreement)
Wed 6am- Thu 830pm (Stayed at our house til friday usually but also was not the agreement)
NEW SCHEDULE:
M-F 6am-630pm
overnight mon and wed on week a and overnight mon and sat on week b.
I think that this schedule will be better for when he starts school in the fall because he will always know that dad will always drop him off and always pick him up.
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Comments
It's very common for children
It's very common for children age 5 and up to feel some jealousy and insecurity when a younger sibling arrives. This is common even in intact families. At 5 a child is much more aware of the impact of the baby on their lives than they would be if the age gap was smaller, and more able to act it out in challenging ways. My friend had a baby boy last year when her older daughter was 5 and she was telling me just the other day that her DD has been acting up, being stroppy and difficult, and she is certain that there is jealousy at work, even though DD does also adore her little brother. Of my husbands 5 children from his first marriage they had a 4th child when child 3 was 5 years old and child 3 was definitely jealous and resentful of child 4. Because they didn't handle it very well that jealousy continues to some extent to this day.
So it's very likely that this is not a 'stepchild' issue per se, although it will probably be exacerbated by the fact that SS is not yours. I doubt it's got anything to do with SS suddenly not liking you, especially as your had such a great relationship with him previously. There are probably 2 factors at play:
1. He is a normal 5 year old feeling a bit jealous and unsettled because there is suddenly a baby occupying lots of time and attention (perfectly understandable)
2. He is upset and uncertain about his relationship with you now that you have your own baby. He may be testing you to see if you still care about him, or simply acting out resentment that you and his Dad are not as focussed on him any more.
I think he will adapt and gradually drop the behaviour if you can come up with a strategy to reassure him for a while. I know you're probably thinking 'but all I want to do is lie down and catch up on sleep', but forcing a bit of effort now will probably pay dividends in the long run, whereas letting it fester could spoil the lovely family dynamic you had going, and leave you permanently hostile to SS when really he has no idea what he's doing, he just feels angry and upset. As a mother of 3 I did try to find that bit of extra effort to reassure my first child I still had time and attention for her when number 2 came along, and reassure number 2 when number 3 came along. I hate a messy house but for a while housework had to take a backseat to that effort on relationships.
Instead of retreating/confronting try taking the wind out of SS's sails by setting aside a little bit of special time with him on a regular basis, and make sure DH is doing the same. Make a show of saying 'DH can you look after BD for a while, I want to do (an activity) with SS'. Even if it's just 20 minutes doing stories, drawing, puzzles etc, or watching a film together, it will plant the seed that you still care and have time for SS, and it's an investment that will ultimately make life easier for you. DH should also be making time to do 'father/son' activities. Remain firm and fair about rules and behaviour. As BD gets older and the sleepless nights diminish and you get a routine in place this balance will get easier. I TOTALLY empathised with your comment about indecision about downtime. I used to be so punch drunk from sleep deprivation I would fret anxiously about how to make the most of any time off, until the time had gone and I had failed to do anything with it!