SD and fat shaming
SD and I have been going to the gym together so that I can get back to my pre-baby weight and she can tone up and get back into a healthy weight range for her height and age. Well she has already lost almost 10 pounds. Now she thinks she is the it girl. If we are walking through a store she will whisper about people and how they need to work out and stop buying junk. She is not a good whisperer. If an overweight person passes her on the street she will gag. She has even made comments loud enough for others to hear about how being fat is disgusting because its something they can change.
DH and I have scolded her and so has BM. She was brutally bullied not to long ago and knows how words hurt so why would she turn around and bash other people? She says she wants to be a personal trainer one day. DH told her that personal trainers are their to motivate and inspire not belittle. She rolled her eyes and says she gets it.
I'm wondering if there is a creative way to get through to her. So I'm asking you guys for advice. I know my trustee steptalkees will give some great input.
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pull back the gym membership
pull back the gym membership for a couple of weeks and let her know why
That's a good idea. But when
That's a good idea. But when we scold her punish her it seems like it doesn't sink in to her head. Its just dad and stepmom nagging me again.
Wow. I think a simple
Wow. I think a simple wide-eyed astonished stare followed by "You need to shut your pie hole. Your comments are rude" might suffice.
Children who are allowed to be openly condescending towards others only fine-tune that behavior if it's left unchecked.
I did tell her that degrading
I did tell her that degrading others won't make her feel better about herself. Its ok to feel great about yourself but you don't have to put other's down. But I like what you said. I was really annoyed when we where talking to her and she was rolling her eyes because I know how it feels to be bullied and so does she. But I think I need to change my delivery and use your leadership tactic.
Definitely this. If you don't
Definitely this. If you don't explain why it's rude and beneath her, she won't see it in a way she can understand. I always take this back to "how crappy did you feel" when you were bullied/treated badly etc?
I asked her " don't you
I asked her " don't you remember how it felt to get bullied"? Her response " yeah....eyeroll". I want it to sink in and not have her take it as she's being scolded blah blah blah but that this is serious.
I don't know how to teach a
I don't know how to teach a child empathy, but I think perhaps it's time for SD to start volunteering in your community. Food shelters/meals for the homeless would be a good place to start. She needs to have a better understanding that not everyone has an easy road and you don't get to judge people when you don't have the information and you haven't walked their path.
I also agree with Tabby, strait forward "that is unacceptable" If I were in public with her and she said something like that, she would be marching over to apologize right to the person for being so rude. Maybe that would be embarrassing enough, or hopefully one of those people would either scold her or show her forgiveness.
One time, one of my bios was about 3 or 4 and there was a girl playing who had a prosthetic leg, this was a little bit different because he was so young and had never seen one. We had in the past talked about how people have differences but being an inquisitive four year old he blurted out really loudly "what's wrong with that girl's leg?" Her parents starred and I walked him over to them and said, "I'm sorry for my son's outburst, he didn't mean for it to be hurtful, would it be okay if he asked your daughter a question in a more polite manner?" They were incredibly understanding and nice and really, my son was just curious, he and the girl played the rest of the time they were at the park and she told him all about how she was born without her leg and the doctors made her one etc. I think sometimes people will surprise you with their reactions too.
^^^ That. You can't teach
^^^ That. You can't teach empathy
You can only squash the publicly rude behavior. I'm assuming the OP doesn't say these rude things so she is already modeling good behavior. IMHO the teenager needs a sharp, but short, reprimand with no lecture or hard feelings later.
When I tell her to watch her
When I tell her to watch her words in public she just rolls her eyes. When DH gets to her level and whispers sharply in her ear she goes " ooook ok ! and shuts up until next time. I don't even like taking her anywhere with me.
Maybe her dad could make her
Maybe her dad could make her write a report on all the medical conditions that can cause a person to have a hard time losing weight.
I have a couple of ideas.
I have a couple of ideas. Some can even be combined!
Every time she makes an inappropriate comment, admonish her. "SD, that's not nice. You're not showing good manners or respectful behaviour."
Every time she makes an inappropriate comment, ignore her for at least 5 minutes. (If she wants your attention, she'll learn to stop saying inappropriate things.)
Every time you're with her in a situation where she normally makes inappropriate comments, praise her every five minutes that she DOESN'T say something inappropriate (gradually extend how long you expect appropriate behaviour).
Every time you're with her in a situation where she normally makes inappropriate comments, ask her to say something nice about every person you see for a certain time period. Praise her for her polite and kind conduct each time.
You can't teach empathy, but you can create an environment for her where it's to her advantage to be nice and polite.
Have you thought about
Have you thought about getting her involved in a anti-bullying program? I know there are several online and at schools. Another thing you can do is get her involved in things that encourage teens to love their bodies no matter what size. Have her right a research paper on the the effects of bullying, fat shaming and the benefits of encouraging others to have a positive body image.
Have you ever recorded her
Have you ever recorded her doing these things?? Or did it infront of her to hear how she sounds?? My bd when my ex and I got divorced kept talking about how horrible life was and bla bla bal... I was comforting at first and tried to give her different angles of thought... Finally I repeated everything she was saying and she goes "God that sounds horrible" I really haven't had many problems since... We also implemented coming up with three things that went good at her Dads...
I also wonder if she is trying to remind herself not to let herself go again, and remind herself how mean people were with her... Type of defense mechanism.
By the way I'm not saying the
By the way I'm not saying the behavior is appropriate if needs consequences... There just might be more behind the thought then just being flat out rude...
im late on commenting on this
im late on commenting on this but if she keeps it up make her wear a fat suit, or baggy closed stuffed with pillows and walk around the mall. once she gets the looks from people she will change her point of view.