Like dealing with an evil SD wasn't enuf now DH has become Dr. Jeckel/Mr. Hyde
Just when I honestly believe I am at my weakest point...due to the unloading of SD at the counselors 2 weeks ago with total hatred and lies (I dont worry much about her lies, shes too dumb to keep her stories straight and shows her colors without realizing it) but DH thinks nothing of it due to her "lack of intellegence". For a week I express to him that I am out of emotional energy, I am depressed, I can no longer function properly for my own boys who need their mom. I am at the end of my very very frazzled rope. I have no support system. He was truly my everything when we met.
So what does DH so at the next counseling session. He freaken unloads like you wld nvr believe. How he just about hates everything to do with my parenting. Yet has never said anything, but agreed with me for 2 yrs now with everything. And of course during this tyrade he had no other plan of action to offer. The counselor in shock especially after what happened last week turned to me and asked ... "feeling a bit attacked? from all sides lately?" DH didn't catch a clue.
I have been unable to speak to him for 3 days now. He is now very very sorry. Wants to "fix" it. I am now not so sure he is sincere. This is like the 3rd time since July that he has completely unloaded on me for his daughters crap at my very weakest moment. Last week I was emotional and told I did not know how much more I could handle and maybe I needed to not only back up but back out. I know this scarred him. He can't raise 4 kids on his own...he can't support 4 kids on his own. So where is he really coming from? I can't tell anymore.
Today I felt so terribly guilty for the tension my 2 boys are going thru. I just want to put an end to it. But they are good boys and have been very strong. They deserve so much better then this. 
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I'm sorry
that sounds awful. Maybe separate counseling for a bit? He can go and vent his frustrations and you can go and get some much needed support...((((HUGS))))
It is what it is...
Wow.
The way I see it, we all have to choices: unload now or explode later. The problem isn't that he dumped his crap, it's that he dumped his crap on YOU in a way that made YOU feel so much pain. Ouch! I'm so sorry that you feel yucky. I agree with the above. You both need a judgment-free zone to release your frustrations. Hugs!
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
It happened again
No matter how carefully I try to approach him on things it doesn't matter. He EXPLODED this morning as I was leaving for work. There is no talking anymore...His anger is unreal. No wonder SD is so hateful. I anymore think I just need to get out.:(
I have lived with that too.
My DH has always been very angry. I know what he has been through with the ex etc and I don't blame him one bit for being angry. However, there comes a time that you have to learn to let some of that go. As you are now, I reached a point where the bads were starting to outweigh the goods. The anger was TOO much to tolerate and live with but it also felt like he was taking his frustrations and his anger out on ME and my two children. He had no patience and no tolerance for me and the way I parented nor did he have any patience for my children. My children are NOT perfect and I have never claimed them to be. However, they ARE children. Then SD would come and it felt like he had all the patience and tolerance in the world. She could do many of the same and/or similar as my two and yet there was always an excuse why it was different or why she should be handled differently etc.
I reached the end of my rope on the FIRST night of a two week vacation from h@ll with all 3 kids last summer. It felt like our vacation was going to be all about making sure that SD had a good vacation and to h@ll with the rest of us. We were at a camp on the river and DH had been on ME and/or my two kids the ENTIRE day. I finally threw all of his crap out of my suitcase, packed up me and my two kids and asked my SIL to take me back to her house me and my kids were going home. I was not spending TWO FULL weeks like that.
He called me two, maybe three times while we were heading to her house. Musta been 3, the first 2 I hung up on him as all he was doing was telling ME how I was embarrassing him in front of his family and what a POS I was and BOTH of my kids. The 3rd time I asked him point blank WHY are you calling me? Are you trying to fix things? Do you WANT me to come back? Then I told him he was NOT helping by blaming all of our issues on ME. That he had to step up to the plate and acknowledge what *I* had lived with for 2 years. I told him if he wanted me to come back he had to be willing to talk to me and LISTEN to me, he had to agree it was TIME to work on US. It was two years of battling his ex and dealing with HIS issues and I did not sign up for the life I was living. It was time for OUR marriage to start and his last marriage to END. It was time for counseling or it would not work.
Hmmm, so I'm still here! *grin* We finished that vacation up. He had to acknowledge finally that my kids were not the only problem, his has/had some issues as well. But mostly WE had issues. He agreed to counseling. We went to 2 sessions together, I went to 2 alone and he has been in counseling himself for over a year now. He is learning how to let go of things he cannot control. He is learning how to shut his mind off. He is learning how to control his anger and accept responsibility for the things he CAN control... and all of this has been GOOD for our marriage. It is by no means perfect today, he is who he is and that's a Type A, controlling, male chauvinist. But he treats me much better today than he ever has and we talk in a more adult manner, meaning I talk and he listens and vice versa. It has NOT been easy... but it is getting better...
Good luck...
It is what it is...
thank you ittakestwo
Your message is very encouraging...
Ittakestwo
I wish my story had ended the way yours had, but it didn't and I will find my own happy ending in whatever the road ahead holds for my daughter and I.
Kevin
LOL Kev!
my story has NOT ended!
We still have a SS16.5 that DH has not had a relationship with for over 3 years. We have a 13, 11.5 and 8.5 that are all on different visitation schedules... AND we both still have exes! We still have many years of this ahead!
My point, I guess, is that counseling DOES help. As long as a person is willing to at least try it. It is nice to have a place to go where you can let your hair down, not feel judged and let it out. And it is easier to *hear* that you have things you can work on when you hear it from someone besides your spouse, for some reason it *feels* different. For me, it was nice to be validated, one thing I REALLY picked up on and someone else here said it... it's not about who's right and who's wrong, it's more about taking the other person's feelings into consideration. More importantly, for me anyway, our counselor explained some things to me about my DH. He was very clear that in the end it is my decision whether I choose to stay or go. He pointed out that there are things that he can work with DH on, there are others that are SO ingrained from childhood up and they won't be able to work on. And ultimately I have to decide what I can and can't live with. He also has made it abundantly clear to me, each time I went in, how very much my DH loves me. And while I knew that, it helped tremendously to hear it from him KWIM?
We have MANY years ahead of us, but as long as I see even just baby steps... as long as they are in the RIGHT direction... it gives me hope that our marriage will survive. And THAT is VERY important to me.
It is what it is...
But mine did end, and new chapters are opening...
The ex gf and I were not able to make it. In the end, she refused to take my feelngs in consideration to her twin boys constant temper tantrums. She doesn't believe there is anything wrong -- even though BD; me and others have suggested it. So a new chapter opens for me. Not the one with her, but I have met a new lady -- she has no kids. Who knows?
Life is not about the end but about enjoying the journey isn't it?
Hmmm, I like that.
Maybe I will have to change my signature line.... or maybe that should be yours...
Life is not about the end but enjoying the journey...
Did you come up with that? That is awesome!!!!
Good luck with your new lady friend! Please keep us posted...
It is what it is...