Boy I am sure this is very trying for you and obviously not as easy as sending her back to her mother, as you are now her mother, so to speak. I am sure she is hurting and has all those years of 'a tough life' behind her. To instill good values in my children, I teach them that you are rewarded for telling the truth and get in more trouble than the trouble you would have got in for what you done wrong, if you lie about it. All you can do is sit her down with her father, so she see's you are on the same team and will not be played off against one other, and tell her the base rules and what punishment there is for lieing and rewards for telling the truth. You need to strat from scratch and will take awhile, but tell you are also there for should she need to talk.

Good luck and please keep us updated.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

My SD is always lying too. I think it has to do with their traumatic life. You should be commended for standing up and taking on such a task. I cannot even imagine the pain that poor child feels.

First of all, your DH needs to understand that he needs to support you. You MUST be a united front. Otherwise a few months from now you will be posting on here how much you hate your husband and SD. He needs to understand that even though it is his daughter, the majority of EVERYTHING falls on you, the mom.It is the nature of the beast. So he needs to stop making excuses for her lies. All he is doing is harming her and enabling her to continue her behavior.

I do not know why these kids choose to lie, I wish I could give you a miracle cure. Just keep loving her, venting here with your friends and try to (calmly) make your DH understand the importance of standing by you. Good luck!

Couple of things ... first we use soap in my SS' mouth when he lies, but that might be too much for your SD with what she has been through. That being said, here's a little something from one of my other SM groups.

The Lying Bag

Instructions:

You are grounded until you complete the following assignment. If you
are on family outings, you must take the assignment and work on it
quietly until it is finished. There will be no playtime
regardless of where you are until the assignment is completed. You
will decide how long you are grounded by how quickly you complete this
assignment. You are to interview 6 adults (adult means over 21) in person and ask them the following questions:

1. Why is it not good to tell a lie?

2. How should you handle a situation when someone lies to you?

3. What do other people think when they find out you've lied?

4. What is a good way to stop yourself from lying?

5. Describe a situation where you have been tempted to lie and have not.

You personally have to record the answers on each card and then have
the adult sign and date the card. You are not required to tell anyone why you have this assignment. When you have completed the assignment return this bag to me and your restriction will be over.

Grounding means no books, no movies, no TV, no computer, no phone
privileges, no friends, no video games, no watching others play video
games. You are confined to the house unless in the company of a
parent or step parent. The items that you are allowed to work on
outside of this assignment are school work and household chores.
School work should be done BEFORE working on the assignment. If you
have any questions, please ask now.

All of your answers from the adults that you write down must be
clearly and neatly written. If the assignment is messy and
unorganized, it must be redone. If the bag containing the cards is
lost or destroyed, you must start over, and the grounding will again
continue until the assignment is finished. It is your responsibility
to keep up with the bag containing the assignment. You are not
required to take the assignment to school.

If you need help with interviewing an adult in person, please ask
another adult. The adult will take you when they have the time. This
may not always on your time schedule. An Adult is defined as anyone
over the age of 21.

~ Katrina

Lovers do not finally meet somewhere, they were with each other all along.

The lying becomes second nature as it is a protective measure learned along the way. Are her lies hurtful things she is saying? or are they lies of not doing or saying something wrong? I grew up and then married( first marraige) into a similar life that I grew up in(where lying was for personal protection, along with ommitting things and hiding things),and when growing up and then marrying the same abusive personality I grew up with, I found that lying was often utilized as a way to protect oneself(esp. children as my own children and myself did this with my ex) from the verbal, mental or physical abuse that may have followed by being honest. Let sd know that dh and you are not going to stop loving her, there is nothing she could ever do or say that would take your love away, but that it hurts you both as you really want her to be able to trust you as much as you need to trust her. Changing this is not going to be easy, as there are times that if she has done this enough for the reasons I have given, it has become second nature and she may not even relize that she has lied until the lie is out of her mouth and then she is to fearful to come clean. As parents, we must get behind the reason for the action before we can punish and attempt to correct the action. If we cannot understand the WHY, then no punishment will undo it as the punishment in the childs mind might become a reinforcement to them as to why they are lying to begin with.

I understand all too well about a SD that lies. My SD, age 12 lies about EVERYTHING.... if the sky is blue, she will tell you it's purple. My fiance & I have been lied to so many times I can't even count. She lies about little things. She lies about the big things. She'll lie even when we've told her we know the truth. It is a problem that drives her father out of control. We are beside ourselves on what to do because we no longer can trust her... which hurts us deeply. She too went through a tough time before her father gained custody of her & her 2 brothers. Knowing what type of person her BM is, I can only imagine what "lessons" & behaviors she taugh her children intentionally & unintentionally. My fiance & I have both spoken to her about the "life lessons" on being honest & trustworthy, but with little to no change. When asked why she continuously lies, my SD has said "she doesn't know or can't help it" (which actually may not be an answer of no responsibility). I have spoken to my bother, who is a MArriage & Family thereapist about this matter many times. He has helped my fiance & I understand the many reasons a person lies. Unfortunately, sometimes all the punishment, talks & love you give a child does not change that there is a problem which we, as parents, can not fix. I am pleading with my fiance now to please bring my SD for counceling.... just in case!!! I would rather bring her to speak with an unbias person & be wrong, than continue to punish & scream about a behavior that she herself does not understand as wrong. Counceling may not be the "cure all" for my SD's lying, but it might help teach us all how to handle it from here on out.

Maybe counceling is something you may want to consider too... especially since your SD had to endure the death of her mother at a young age. I'm 34 & can't imagine the impact my mother's death would make on my life..... now imagine being 12 & not knowing who you are as a person yet, never mind your feelings about life.

Good luck with whatever way you choose to handle this situation & definitly keep us posted!!!!

What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger!

This issue, my SD was terrible about lying when DH and I got married. I had no idea at first until I started putting things together and they didn't add up. I talked to DH about it many times and he just blew it off. I told him that I didn't think she even realized that she was doing it half the time and he really needed to call attention to it so at least SHE would know that she was lying. Once DH finally realized how bad it really was we began to take privlidges away from SD, we told her that unless we were able to trust her she would not have any freedom that comes with being a young lady. No overnight stays with girlfriends, no trips to the mall, no unsupervised telephone calls, she would have to stay with a babysitter even if we only went to the store for 5 minutes etc. We explained that if she could not be trusted with simple things we would never be able to trust her with the bigger things. Hopefully this is working but I will have to get back to you on that (she has been with BM all summer). Good luck with counseling if that is what you choose, I sure wish my DH would.

~Evil

Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius

My daughter cant stand liars. She has always been a brutally honest little girl and since she old enough to understand I have instilled in her that lying is the worst thing to me. SHe is only seven years old, but has the intellect of about 14-15, medically proven. So, sometimes I have to think about my posts here relating to her age and actions, but I think her latest idea on teaching SD that lying is bad is pretty well thought out. (ok, ok I know, I shouldn;t be allowing a seven year old to deal with issues like this... but sometimes she is the ONLY one SD will relate to) BD has begun telling SD tat she is sorry, but she just doesn't believe her. Sd may be telling a story about something good she did at school or something she may have accomplished. BD will tell her "sweety, I am sorry but I don't believe you. You have lied so much about everything that I can't believe anything you say anymore." SD will get upset and tell her that she should trust her and BD says "I gave you my trust and you broke it, now you have to earn back my trust by showing me you can be honest" This is the same situation they have had for the past week. ANd you what, it has been several days since I have caught SD lying about anything. I asked her why and she said that it made her sad that her sister didn;t believe her even when she was being honest, so she didn't wanna lie anymore.

IDK, therapist says that maybe coming from the person she is closest to is what is helping her understand. WHatever works!!!!!