and I am glad that your BF realized he was being a total DH. You might want to make sure that you don't hang around for the recordings she makes, then he can just take the responsibility of recording them onto another tape. He seems to have put a bit too much of the responsibilty in your lap.

I hope that the communication lines between you too continue to be open. Talking is the only way to survive the messes that BMs can cause. And now that he understands how it is affecting SS, maybe he will keep his anger at her from spilling over on you.

Hugs,
marika

I can relate... my DH reacts the same way, all the freakin time, and it's soooo tiring.

I'm glad that you were able to talk it out. I'm with the others, this should be HIS responsiblity to keep records. That is one thing that I nipped in the bud right away, "This isn't MY battle, honey, it's YOURS." (Except I didn't say it that way... lol)

If I were you, find the instruction manual for the recorder, or message machine, or both, whatever, and set it by the message machine... let him figure it out. (If you don't have it, you can always find it online and print it out! LOL)

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Our attorney gave us this nifty little thing you put on the outside of the phone where the earpiece is and plug th eother end into a handheld or desktop recorder and it's recorded for you all by itself. Tell your DH to invest in one, he can buy one at radioshack.

As for him blaming you all the time, I am proud of you for standing your ground and insisting (in your own way) that you deserve better.

IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.

Oh, Nymh, this is EXACTLY what happened in our house whenever there was a serious blowout with our BM. He would just get mad and while I knew he wasn't really mad at me, I was the one in the vicinity and I'm the one who took the fallout from it. It sucks, it really does, but it happens and with us, it happens both ways. I've lost count of how many times I've had to explain to MY husband, "Look, I'm not mad AT YOU. I'm just mad and you happen to be in the room." Don't take it personally. You are living in a pressure cooker, honey.

I almost agree with your friend. Yes, SS gets his stability from the two of you and yes, you should try to keep BM discussions or arguments away from his ears, but that doesn't mean you can't have conflict. Conflict resolution is an important skill for children to learn. You can't bring them up where there's NO fighting, NO conflict, NO disagreements, NO arguments. That's just not realistic. Life happens. Sometimes we don't deal with it as well as we'd like to. That's human. Don't either of you feel like you have to perform for SS. Children need to see that we, the parents, actually FEEL. They need to see us bounce back. They need to see that if Plan A fails, we can come up with a Plan B. They need to know that people in committed relationships do and will disagree, but they can and do resolve their disagreement and move on. Kids need to see that we can go toe-to-toe with each other BUT STILL LOVE EACH OTHER AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER. How can we teach them to be strong if we don't allow them to see what they are up against in this life?

Hang in there. The situation might never get any better, but with every experience, you can find better ways to deal with it and get through it. I personally think that if it's not a constructive conversation, you'll know it within the first minute or two and you should terminate the conversation immediately. Why record hours and hours of this bullshit? If she can't speak nicely, then the conversation ends. If she has a computer, then I say switch to email only. That's worked well fo rus. If we're talking about answering machine messages, I have ours set to record for one minute and then it hangs up. I hate long-winded messages from ANYONE, let alone an irate BM. Our policy with our BM is that if she calls up screaming and swearing and hostile, she gets hung up on and we let it go to the machine if she calls back. If she sounds reasonable on the machine, then he'll call her back to talk to her calmly. If she starts getting ugly on the machine, we turn it off. I understand you're collecting this stuff to use as evidence, but if you don't give her an audience, then she'll have to stop doing it. I don't think you need to show how many hours she can run off at the mouth spewing her venom... you can prove the same thing with frequency as you can with quantity. Give her two minutes then shut her down.

~ Anne ~

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other." -Walter Elliot

And why shouldn't she be? Her son is happier with you, her ex is happier with you, hell if she has pets, they'd probably be happier with you too. I never could stand when BM did that shit and it got so bad that I did have to press charges on her for harrassment and turn the ringer off on the telephones. I also changed our cell phone numbers because by law in our state, BM only HAS to have one number to get ahold of DH or SS's on. But you know what? Back when SS's were just visiting, I would turn the ringer off and let her talk to voicemail. WHen SS's went back home, I screened the calls then too. I never minded if she filled up the voicemail or my inbox, I save them or deleted them, depending on the content. She is the type that has to get a response also, but how long do you think it takes to get the message that at least for that day, nobody's gonna listen to her bullshit? It took BM about 35 voice messages in one day to get the picture.

IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.

De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
Why doesnt bf proceed with the phone harrassment charges.If you both have been collecting her messages for further evidence in court, then it seems to me that you have plenty of that by now,so end it. Talk to b.f, have him REFILE charges agiants bm as it has been a couple of months since the continuance was ordered and the harrassment has not ceased.(Refiling charges, even thought there is an existing continuance order, will just stand for even stronger evidence for b.f and you as it show's that the amount of harrassment that he/you continue to recieve is enough to put you both under extreme duress)And as it has been months,since continuance was ordered,refiling now also show's that b.f gave bm ample time to cease the harrassment and she has not thus pressing b.f to refile as a last resort. I agree with Anne,that children seeing us(adults)having conflict and handeling conflict in an adult manner is healthy in teaching them how to handle conflict resolutions of their own, however NOT conflict's regarding the ex/bm. This is one area I personally feel the children do not need to see or hear anything from us as we need them to maintain a sense of security in having to go back and forth from our home to bm's agian.The sense of security I am talking about is that it is obvious that with the disdain that bm has towards you and b.f, ss obviously is hearing this from her own mouth when he is with her, what he needs to be hearing and seeing from you both is that what bm say's,what bm does is not affecting you or b.f and that it does not have to affect ss either. That when in b.f and your home,he can leave bm's b.s behind too. I so understand the stress that she is putting on you and b.f ,however, that stress needs to be handled in private. The only conflict resolution ss needs to see in your home for example setting should be with personal conflicts such as your's and b.f finances, employment, or issues dealing with YOUR personal family(b.f,you,ss). The only conflict issues regarding bm that I personally would allow in the home would be those concerning ss and issues he discusses or exhibits in regards to his bm, then dh and I would utilize those moments to teach ss how to apply the conflict resolutions he does witness in your home to his own issues with his bm. Just my opinion.