SS Update
It's been a while since I have posted here, just have been very busy with Little League and other things at work, haven't had the time or inclination to put thoughts down until today, but that doesn't mean things are peachy, just the opposite of course, some of the things that have happened recently:
SS came home early from his weekend at uncles house where he was supposed to "not come home until you have a job and are ready to start school". Of course he didn't do either, wife didn't stick to her guns and he is once again, without a job, without direction and doesn't seem to care about anything.
He blew up the car that his dad gave him, didn't bother to check the oil and ran it dry, ( great mechanic that he is). So now he also has no transportation.
I found about half a case of beer stashed under one of the tree's in our front yard, asked him if it was his and he said yea, one of his friends gave it to him and they were drinking it in the front yard after everyone went to bed ( we have a town cop that lives two doors down). I told him that he was a !@#$%^& idiot, and he needed to get it out of the yard and get rid of it and not to ever do it again or he would be asked to leave, I asked him later what he did with the beer and he said that he poured it all out and threw the cans away. I guess he thought I was stupid, I checked his room and there it all was, I told him to bring it to the kitchen and made him open every can and pour it down the sink, all the while he is bitching about how it's a waste of good beer and that it's bullshit that I went into his room. Well I told him that it would be bullshit if it was his room, but it's not, it's my room and as long as he is living here I will search any room in MY house if I deem it necessary, if he didn't like that then he could move out and live by his own rules.
Yesterday, I was straightening up my garage, It has become really cluttered over the last couple of weeks because I haven't had time to work on it. I noticed that my BS8's bike was missing, we just bought it for him a couple of weeks ago, it's brand new. I asked my wife if she knew where the bike was and she said she didn't, I told her it was not in the garage. SS was out at a movie with his friends, she said " I don't think SS would have done anything with BS8's bike", I looked at her and said " I never said he did, all I said is that it was missing", she said she would ask him when he got home. Later in the afternoon after everyone got home I asked her if she found out anything about the bike, she just said I'll let SS tell you, called him down from his room and said tell Steamed what happened to the bike, he said I rode it over to a friends house and now the neighbor has it and won't give it back. Now remember SS is 19 years old, he rode an 8 yr old's bike about 3 miles to a friends house, left the bike laying in the neighbors yard and now the neighbor has claimed the bike and has it locked up. My wife took SS over to get the bike after he told her where it was and got into a yelling match with the neighbor. After he told me all of this, I just stood there silently for a minute or two, then said " I don't have anything to say to you, I would be wasting my time". After he went back to his room I said to my wife, I have a question for you that I want you to think about, you have told me that you feel guilty about putting up with your ex's behaviour, and how it affected your kids, for as long as you did right?, she said yes, I said and if you knew then what you know now, what would you have done?, she said I would have left him, I said, we are all living with a younger version of your ex right here in this house, she agreed, I said I don't want to be looking at BS8 in 10 years telling myself that I should have done something about SS to keep him from affecting BS8. She said so does that mean that you are thinking about taking BS8 and leaving?, I said no, why would I leave?, it means that SS needs to clean up his act or one of these days he will do something that I cannot live with, I'm going to kick his ass out and you will probably leave me for doing it. It means that I fear SS will be the end of our marriage.
We didn't speak much about it the rest of the night, I hope she can see my point and what I am trying to say...., stay tuned.
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Comments
Of Course SS won't be leaving
Your wife knows your words are empty because theres been little action to date. SS knows this also. I also wouldn't be surprised if the yelling match with the neighbor is because they also know he is a big delinquent...and their tired of it also.
Why would you accept this type of behavior from an adult living in your home? The nuts have taken over the asylum in this case, and you will have to be the bad guy and kick him out. Yes kick him out. Will your wife leave, perhaps but she may be a lost cause as it is. She has certainly made him that way, and I haven't seen any real consequences...only enabling from both of you.
He's going to poison the other one if he hasn't already. Sorry to be so blunt, but either way you can't lose in my opinion.
Steamed
I think this kid has been given to many chances already and kicking him out is not saying that you do not care what happens to him its telling him its time to be a man. YOU AND his MOTHER are enabling his behavior, he knows that MOMMY DEAREST will not let you kick him out so your words to him are empty meaninless nothings.. Basically turn around bend over and fart, because your words to him are nothing but a fart in the wind. When and if he makes it to real adulthood he is going to do one of two things. 1. be a man and grow up or 2. be a loser like he is today. Its obvious you cannot trust him in your home with any possessions. He stole his little bothers bike and was irresponsible with that and now look your 8 year old has no bike. Which I am not sure is the 8 year old your wifes son as well? If so what she is telling him is that her older son is more important then he.. Which is so wrong! This kid is 19 and knows how to or is suppost to know how to take care of himself. So let him start to learn by letting him find a place to live and a place to work other wise you will have a 40 year old loser living with you and you will still be taking care of him. Sorry to be blunt but its true..
Well I hope you follow thru and I hope that your wife wakes up and smells the coffee. its not helping him at all. Tough love is what she needs. My mom is good at it do you want her number.. HA HA little humor there..
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
I'm sorry
It suchs to realize some things ( people ) never change. That is so disheartening. This kid needs a damb good dose of reality. I don't get it. Some of these kids have no flipping clue what it is like to WORK for yourself.
The boy needs the boot again.
Hang in there Homer. Jo
If you and ss mother are not a combined front..
NCP should have rights too!
then expect this senerio to repeat itself over and over and over. What kind of punishment if any did ss recieve for blowing up the motor in car? for drinking beer in your yard( he is a minor,illegal to drink!)and how about the lying and hiding the rest of the beer in his room? Any punishment there? He has no job..so his butt should be the one straightening out that garage as you deem it should be and in a certain time limit...have him mowing the yard, taking out trash, cleaning out toliets...EARNING HIS KEEP!!! Give him a time limit to find a job..then each week pay some money for rent and food. IF ss can not manage to do these things then your only recourse is to boot him. Sometimes it comes down to decisions we dont want to have to make...but if wife wants to leave you because of ss, then you didnt come first anyway..(and we all should come first to our partners,our children grow up and move on with their lives, we are together to the end)Furthermore, bios does not need this type of influence at such a young age and I can guarantee that the fighting with ss and disorder is causing conflict in 8 year old all ready....tell wife to step up and stand beside you in this and all future decisions concerning ss and bioson (and for your sake I pray she does) and be a combind front with them both always.( IF you disagree with each other do this in private, and try and find a middle ground) If wife refuses to, then maybe she is as far gone as ss and there is no help for either, which means you need to decide if you can willingly live the life your in right now.
An interesting point...
that I found was when you questioned your wife about your 8yr old's missing bike... she instantly referred to SS... hmmm.... seems that someone is not owning up to the fact that she KNOWS what her son has been up to. Why get all defensive if she did not previously know? Interesting...
Now, I agree with Anonymous, I agree with happy, and I agree with S. Graham39. Everyone has some great points that you know you've all heard before...
You gave SS a chance, he's failed miserably. You gave YOUR wife a chance, and she's failing miserably. Now, it's true that everyone back slides, we all back slide... is this possibly a back slide? Probably not. I don't think there is enough respect in that house for everyone or anyone. That also goes for your wife respecting herself... your SS respecting himself, etc. People who respect others do not behave this way or impose such attitude onto others.
I think it's time that you get your wife and you... don't worry about your SS... into couple's counseling to try to help YOU in your relationship with your wife, otherwise it's beyond all that there is, and there certainly isn't going to be any respect for either of you. If she wasn't willing to listen than, what makes you think things are going to change now, since your SS is obviously back in your home without any restrictions, or rules to follow?
I really like Graham's suggestions with the 'chores' and would institute 'boot camp' at home. I know you've already been through this road, but it maybe necessary to re institute a little reminder of where he's at. If he doesn't like it, oh well, who's house is it?
I think for now, it's time to refocus from SS, but it's clearly your wife's issue now. You've put in all your energy, and I know you have, to no avail. You've put your foot down, and spelled out your terms, but the moment that you let him enter your home without fulfilling the requirements... ie, the job he was supposed to have before he moved back in... you enable him.
Personally, I think it's time for a hard hitting decision...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Some ideas
Idea #1
Make your home a "bed only" for stepson. Take away his key. When you leave for work (you know, that thing that responsible adults do), make stepson get up and leave the house. Lock up!! Let him back in at 10 PM. Next day, same thing. If he's not there between 10:00 and 10:15, he doesn't get in until the next night. He shouldn't be laying around the house anyway - he should be looking for work 16 hours a day. Tell him the bed goes away in 30 days. Make sure he understands he can only sleep there for 30 days. After 30 days, don't let him back in. Of course, your wife will probably undermine you and let SS in before 10 PM.
Idea #2
Ask your wife to move out with SS. Ask her to pay all her bills - she is asking you to support an able-bodied adult, why can't she do the same? I bet you anything she will get sick of supporting a lazy adult fairly quickly. Tell her you love her and want her to come back - but only ALONE. No SS.
Good luck. You need it! Because wife is choosing SS over you. You probably don't have a chance. You will end up divorced. Sadly, only then will she decide she cannot support SS and see what a fool she is being.
Idea #3, about the bike
So SS took the bike without asking and irresponsibly left it somewhere. And of course there was no consequence for it. Here is how it might be handled.
Ask SS to sell one of his possessions and give you the money to buy a new bike for BS. When he refuses (and why wouldn't he refuse - there is never any consequences for him), you "borrow" something of his and "leave it somewhere". Something he values like an ipod or guitar - whatever. See how he likes other people "borrowing" and being irresponsible with his possessions like he did with SS's bike. Then he will suffer a consequence. Maybe you could sell it and buy a new bike for BS
I think that's a great idea!
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...