What a Schmuck!!!
So DH comes home from work..See's his "dumpling" cart blanch on the couch playing the play station and doesn't say an f ing word..(Why? Because that is secretly what he wanted all along I think..To exasperate me and make maintianing his punishment so hard on me that I give up..That way the brat is off her grounding and he can blame me for letting her off!!)
Finally, he says to her..Have you worked on your school project today??? Of course she says "NO"..Why would she??? As if, that brat, is ever going to assume responsibility and do WHAT IS RIGHT of her own accord..If she isn't forced to do the right thing..She won't PERIOD..She has always been all about what she can get away with..Doesn't matter what it is..
Not to mention that I refuse to assume ANY responsibility for her schooling or her home work after this past school year. Nope she sat her rotten A$$ in front of the play station and filled up all morning!! I think the schmuck actually expected me to make her do her homework today, after the past year and especially after today.
So knowing I am pissed because I reemed his a$$ earlier. He comes home trying to act like nothing happened..Nothing pisses me off more then when he attempts to engage me in small talk and crap conversation about nothingness when their is an issue like this going on in our household..Why do some men do this??? It's patronizing at best and straight up dismissive at the worst! Oh let's appease the little woman and talk about something "safe" like patio furniture...I totally feel like he is blowing ME and MY FEELINGS off when he does this!!!
As if, he brings me home some chicken wings from his work and offers to buy me patio furniture it's going to make a difference?? Nope! I don't want chicken wings or freakin patio furtinure!! I WANT YOU TO STOP BEING A ROTTEN FATHER AND A FREAKIN UNDERMINING JERK!!!
His butt is sitting out side in the sun right now..My Hell is at the table with encylopideas infront of her NOT doing her home work..And she has come to me four times now in the last 15 minutes wanting to know things that she can find the answers to in her book and encyclopedias IF she would actually do the work of researching HERSELF.. I have pointed out side towards her dad every time.
Hey Dumba$$?? (DH)...Sitting in front of open books and getting up every three minutes to ask YOU questions that are there in the books. IS NOT DOING HER HOMEWORK OR RESEARCH....It's playing games and passivly blowing off her school work.
If she doesn't complete and pass this final assignment she is going to have to repeat the fourth grade..It's a crying shame that neither she nor her father appear to think that is a serious issue...To be honest, I am to the point where I hope that she has to repeat the fourth grade..HER AND HER DAD HAVE CERTIANLY EARNED IT..And I think it would do them both a world of good for her and him to actually have some consequences to his rotten parenting and her rotten and lazy behavior!!
By the way, in the less then 10 minutes it's taken me to create this blog..My Hell has gotten up from the table 9 times and gone outside to her dad six times..Yep, she is really busting away on that homework HUH?? He and she both just make me wanna puke!!
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Fourth Grade???
What???? OMG I don't know why but I thought she was an older child. My daughter is in 6th and I NEVER have to ever remind her to do any of her school work or house chores....It was always a priority and now second nature. Sometimes my angel/brat hands in her projects before I even get a chance to review it! I am so sorry you are going through this. BUT, to remain sane, you really do need to detach. Detach with LOVE. It's friggin hard but in your case, you don't have any chance. Try not to resent your husband. The sad thing is any mistakes he makes now, will also affect you in the long run. Is he teaching her financial responsibility yet? We have that issue with my skids. I'm panicking over that one. I am not a sugar mama...I'm generous but to a point. And, yes, when our DH's gloss over the issue, change the subject, and do things to avoid the issue that pisses me off too. I guess instead of flowers your DH brings chicken wings...they are so darn clueless sometimes. Hang in there.
Yep, she is only in the fourth grade...Can you believe it??
Hey Bonus Wife,
Nope...she is in the fourth grade and she is 10.5 going on 30 in some aspect (regarding her dress and boys) and 2 in other aspects (responsibility).. In her testings at school, the step daughter always gets a decent to good grade..She test HIGH on all those state wide test they give kids to measure their knowledge...
She gets F's in school because according to her teacher "she lacks responsibility with her home work" and she "doesn't make affective use of classroom time".. Simply meaning she is failing because she is lazy doesn't want to do her home work and spends the time in class that she should be doing work, socializing instead.
DH won't make her do her homework..because his princess shouldn't be expected to do anything her dumpling self doesn't want to do..When I try to make her, she makes an emotional scene and then DH interfers and "feels sorry for her" because I am just picking on her. So attempts to get her to do her home work, result in me being chastised like a three year old by DH and her getting off scott free.
And I am with you when it comes to my own children..My children have ALWAYS been good students..I, personally, have always held education in very high regard and consider it not only a priority but a childs MAIN priority..
Both of my daughters, (now 22 and 15..my oldest being a college graduate and a Seattle police officer) have always done very well in school..I will not accept anything under a B in any class, unless I know that it is a class that they are originally struggling in and have tried their best..For instance, I have always been a straight A student, I excell at any and every subject easily...Unless it's Math..
Math is my personal academic weakness..It's not just a weakness, actually, it's a crippling illness!! LOL..
Thanks to my daughter now 15, I worked my behind off for my math class for my associates and my Bacholars and passed them both with a C -. And I was THRILLED that I got that grade..And it took a lot of extra work and extra credit to get that C - in both those classes.. I worked VERY HARD for the grade I got...I just happen to have a form of math dyslexia...It can be explained to me over and over and I just don't get it.. I got a low grade but not because I didn't try my hardest..But just because I struggle with it so much. And when my kids do get a grade under a B in any area..I immediatly, seek them tutoring or other academic help to do extra credit to try to bring up the grade or get them help in that subject!
My own bio kids WOULD NOT DARE bring home and F, D or even a C due to sheer laziness..Because if they did their lives would be HELL. And you know what? My oldest, now a mother of two and a full fledged working adult..Loves me for me strictness when it came to their academics. She respects me for how hard I was on them and my expections of them when it came to their schooling and their personal conduct...
I raised a fine young woman and mother who stayed on the right side of the tracks and now works for the right side of the tracks..I raised her all by myself and I had her at only 6 weeks past my 16th birthday.. You would think DH would take some stock in that and realize that perhaps I know a thing or two about raising children, especially girls...Nope it never dawns on him!
If I was allowed to handle the step brat the same way I did my own two daughters she would be well on her way to a bright furture...We wouldn't be having this problem with school or all the other behavioral problems SHe has..
Thanks to DH and his undermining..The step daughter is on the path to being a strung out druggy, alcoholic, welfare mom, who looses custody of her kids, is in and out of jail, and living in a car or drug rehab..Just like her BM.. i don't want to stick around to watch it happen...
I am doing my best to hang in there..But right now I think I would rather "hang" DH...LOL..Thanks Bonus Wife
Your DH is Rendering you Powerless
I know how it is because I am going through the same issues. Basically I dropped into problems that DH and Skids had long before I came into the picture. I had NO idea or could have ever anticipated what I was getting into. After being good to children that appreciate NOTHING and when they go to BM once a year I am the person that gets stabbed in the back to get their Moms attention. I am talking EVERYTIME. I refuse to give my SKIDS any excuse for their bad behavior including feeling sorry for themselves because BM left. They have to be held accountable for their bad behavior and that behavior should not be tolerated. My kids had a lousy father and had issues but not once did I put up with them being ugly to him or their SM or being disrespectful to ANY Adult for that matter. That is not helping the children that is only giving them full reigns to be an obnoxious Ass. Sorry I don't feel but so sorry for DH or his kid. He is allowing her behavior. I would cut off anything and everything that I contribute if I feel that I am not being appreciated, respected, or I just plain do not want to do. My SKIDS are feeling the effects of that now because of thier recent behavior. I didn't put up with that behavior with my sons and I won't with my SKIDS. They need to know the ramifications of treating people badly and they get what they give. No poor poo poos here. I can't stand it when someone gives me the excuse they are just children and they don't know better. NOWAY they know exactly what they are doing. I can't help their Dad can't afford things for them and their mother refuses to buy even a birthday gift for them. I didn't put them in their situation. If they mistreat the people in their lives that actually do stuff for them they need to know that those people can also stop doing for them. They need to know that stuff can be taken away from them as well as givin to them. Sometimes it is like you are taking care of an alligator that you nuture, feed but that alligator will eat you for dinner at anytime so you have to be careful. Who wants to live like that!! Your DH is not right. He is not doing what is best for his child by allowing her to be so disresceptful of you and not even respecting or doing her duties in school. We Step Moms are human and can only take so much before we start feeling resentful. You see there is no biological ties to these children. We DON'T have to love them unless we want to and if WE are mistreated by them how in the hell are you supposed to love or even like someone that mistreats you? So no I don't agree with maybe you are not cut out to be a Step Mom. You sound like you are trying hard but no one is cooperating and respecting you. I was a SM to another SD in another marriage and she was wonderful. Her mom was wonderful but I am having a hard time dealing with my current situation. It is the Situation and not you!!!!
My SD was promised by her mother that she would buy her Healy's. You know those annoying sneakers with roller skates on them. My SD kept telling me her Mom was going to buy her these healy's. My SD from the time she was promised these Healy's kept throwing in my face her Mom was buying these shoes for her. I actually had to sit down and tell her not to get her hopes up too high. Not to slam her mother but her mom has a tendency to promise things but never delivers. Well mom has come and gone the week before last and guess what. Mom spent the whole time drunk in front of this child and no Healy's. Then my SD tried to shoplift and you know the rest of that story. My SD asked me to buy the Healy's for her and I basically told her HELL NO! (I didn't actually say Hell). That stealing because of her Mom and humilating us was no reason to be rewarded by buying her a present. Her Mom promised her that oh well I didn't. I can't afford it. Again ramifications for bad behavior. She doesn't deserve a present from me. I told her I missed my sweet SD not this stealing, lying, person she is acting like. She actually apologized profusly for her behavior of late and is starting to act like herself again but she knows I am not going to bend. Neither is Dad he is still upset about what she did. BM is going to have to explain not buying what she promised to her daughter. I am not making up for this woman's promises.
It makes you wonder...
What the hell kind of adult is this little brat going to turn into. Did you ever ask him that? What kind of adult does he want her to be. This kind of shit in 4th grade is completely unacceptable. You know the shit we go though with SD16 being a drop out & SD14 failing 8th grade for the second time.
Damb, time for a new plan. I don't blame you for wanting to distance yourself.
Please hang in there. Jo
"I'll be alright in a year or two after I calm down". Detective Donahue - Soap
Slow down ladies...
The step brat is a young girl who has been basically abandoned by her mother emotionally...that would have an impact. This is child rearing 101...not boot camp. I can guarantee that are children's success or failure is not totally within our control. I have friends who are fantastic parents who have had kids who have struggled. To be there for a child who is struggling is a tribute to true character. To judge and criticize a CHILD who is struggling is a sign that perhaps being in a step situation is not for that you. A child can tell when someone is not very fond of them and to constantly say that the child is going to be like her mother...basically a loser? What if the kid turns out to be like her Dad..often people aren't too happy with the DH either? So where does that leave the kid. This is a frustrating dilemms for me because I see the results of kids who are marginalized by those who are in authority in their lives. Step parenting isn't fun most times but the rewards for sticking with the kids and supporting them is infinite. I didn't make all the right decisions with my stepkids...believe me...but I have learned that sometimes my observations about them weren't the most objective and there was more than just me hurting in the stepfamily situation.
Yeah, I kinda agree...
it is alittle alarming to me when I find others calling their stepkids 'losers' or depicting an image that's negative- in that effect, but then I also try to take a step back and realize that I'm no better about it with others either.
For one thing, I think of my SS's BM's OTHER kids as brats. Why? Well, because they are a product of their environment. They aren't a part of MY immediate environment, but their mother's... they have no father figure (until recently), and at every public event I have ever seen them at, they ran around like literally wild banshees... a sure sign that BM has her hands full and she never made (EVER) attempts to break up, interrupt or intervene any disruptive behavior or fighting, etc... and then on the flip side, I feel sorry for the kids. The reason they behave the way they do is merely screams for attention. Here they see SS coming and going, hugging and hanging out with his dad, while they have no father figure of their own. SS talks about his grandfather, whom BM had 'disowned', that the other two kids had no idea was, nor understand why they can't see him. But it's not THEIR fault that their environment is as it is.
So, while I sympathize and try to be positive, I do also see the point that stamina makes and I do agree that it's not the child's fault that we should hold ill will against but rather try to seek reason with it, and then focus on a resolution... the dad- pure and simple.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I agree with you and Stamina to a certian extent
Yes, I realize that a lot of things that goes on is not her fault..It's her dad's..
However, what I feel is HER fault is when she willfully chooses to lie, not do her homework, and willfully chooses to manipulate, konnive, and use people..At 10.5 those are willful choices she makes and their for ARE her fault.
Then again, a good portion of those things ARE NOT an issue when her dad is not present..(deployed)..
I think that you and Stamina just really helped me get to the crux of my anger, frustration, and feeling of bitterness..I have voiced it to DH before but I don't think that it sunk in until just now..
I am tired...so tired..of him making excuses for her behavior (BM's abandonment) BUT not doing anything about it...I want to DO something about it..I want resolutions..Solutions..not anymore "excuses". Dh just wants to make excuses and bury his head in the sand and expect that she is gonna turn out "just fine"..Grrrr....
You're right...
to be upset, but I think you hit the nail on the head. Daddy lets her get away with it, therefore, she will lie and manipulate her way through life, because her father allowed it... why not?
It's a tough call I'm afraid. One thing you might have to do is literally step back in all aspects of your SD. Another thing is it sounds as though there is a power struggle going on between you and her... perhaps she's feeling she's not getting attention, or she is trying to misdirect DH's attention from you to her? I'm only speculating, but I am getting that vibe.
If you literally just step back and let DH handle his little princess- right down to the dot on the i's, he may realize the 'bigger picture'. It's kinda like you have to force him to 'parent' because he's probably used to having someone else do it.
Hang in there.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
step mom, I think it was YOU who hit the nail on the head...
LOL...I just had to laugh because YOU hit the nail on the head..Someone else HAS ALWAYS done his parenting job for him..Before me it was his family (who only screwed her up even more).. They are the ones that babied and coddeled her so much she literally thought she was a "princess"..
When we started dating he maybe had the step daughter one night a week. She was ALWAYS with his parents or his brother and his wife..Always..
And yes, I do feel like I have to "force" him to parent her..He would rather just bury his head in the sand and let someone else do his and BM's job..it seems the only time he wants to exercise any "parenting" at all is when he wants to undermine, interfer, or critisize the job that the person he has dumped his child on is doing with her.
Exactly, she lies and manipulates because it's allowed..But then on the other hand their comes a time when a child is old enough to know what they are doing is wrong and should be expected to accept some accountability for it. Like with her homework, her dad doesn't make her do it..But as her teacher even said, "She needs to be held acountable and responsible for her home work. She is old enough to know that she should do it and no one should have to make her do it. She shouldn't have to be made to do it and monitered like a toddler to make sure she does her homework."
Attention, she always feels like she isn't getting enough attention..This child is the Queen of attention hog..Why? Because DH and his family made her the center of attention at all times..She doesn't share time and attention and doesn't feel she should have too because she is, after all, "the princess".. The more attention she gets, the more she wants and the more she acts out or shows off to get it...
My counselor says she is an "attention/energy vampire"..(never heard that one before but it makes sence to me.) She does things like tries to make sure she is in every picture that is taken..I tried to take pictures of my daughter, dressed for the prom and she continued to try to stick her face in front of my daughter..To get any pictures of the other kids I have to take them in a room seperate from HER..
If one of the other kids is getting even an ounce of attention..She will start spazzing out around the house..Running, jumping around, being loud all of that stuff..And she is old enough to know that none of that is allowed in our home..DH allows it, but she still is old enough to know better and makes the willful choice to do it knowing its wrong..
I worry about her when she gets older and finds out the hard way that this behavior isn't going to float in the real world..
wait a minute here...
What i say on this board is never said to the step brat...I come here to vent..So yes, her BM is a loser and yes i have big concerns about the step brat turning out the same way..Especially, since that seems to be just fine with her dad.. Would I ever say that to HER?? never...Why? Because she is a CHILD.. I have never once said that to her, let alone "constantly" said that to her..
I can also understand that a child can sence when people are not that fond of them..But this child hasn't made that easy on ANYONE. To include extended family members, family friends, neighbors, her own school mates and her teacher. She has responsibility for that Child or no Child..She is old enough to know right from wrong..
Parental abandonment??? Lets see,....in our household..
My dad abandoned me when I was three. Both my daughters fathers abandoned them..And so did my Grand daughters father..
So the step brat has not cornered the market on parental abandonment in our household. And my children DO NOT, NOR HAVE THEY EVER acted like her..Why? Because they were not taught nor allowed to use it as an EXCUSE to do wrong or behave poorly..
Do I think she has some issues or is "hurting" because her parent abandoned her? Yes, I do that that is a factor here..But I think the main factor is that she acts the way she does because Daddy caters to and allows it.
Unfortunatley, her dad choose to use that as an EXCUSE rather then have any interests in coming up with any resolution or solution to HELP HER. And any attempt I make to Help her is undone or undermined by her father..I can accept that she has issues because of her mother..So lets do something to deal with it... lets find solutions and resolutions to deal with it..Not just continue to use it as an excuse while her behavior gets even worse..
I find it very odd how well she does when her father is deployed. And how well she and I get along and how peaceful our household is. She is just fine when she realises that the household rules apply to her and that they are not under-mindable because daddy isn't around to change them for his "poor baby who has abandoned by her mother".
So with all do respect..I think the issue here is that her dad lacks "true charactor" and isn't cut out to be a parent or a step parent.
Jo
That is what concerns me..Dh seems to think that she is going to be "just fine" being raised on auto pilot..I seem to be the only adult in her life that really cares how she turns out and preparing her for adult life..
The adult world and life isn't going to cow tow to her, make special rules and accomodations for her, or feel sorry for her because her BM abandoned her..
More then a few counselors and other adults (teachers ect) have told DH and I that we need to "get a grip on her" and nip it in the bud before she hits the teen years. Dh just blows them off and says "they don't know her special situation". (eyeroll)..
I do need some distance and I think I just need a break..Even for a few weeks..I have not had a step mom break in the almost 7 years I have been her step mom...
How Do You Do It
It sounds like your husband escapes everything,and does not have any intentions of parenting. Wish I could be more positive but I also think he joined the army to get away from his responsibilites. Is that a possibility? Either way, you deserve more and maybe you should go back to where your family is.
I replied??
I thought I replied to your blog, but I can't find it.
I think we're in similar situations, except for me, it's a 13 yo ss who is failing 7th grade. I also have sons ages 6 and 3.
Last year, we (meaning ME) had to ride ss to do his homework. He was with us 1/2 the time. This year, he decided he only wanted to see us every other weekend. "All I do there is homework and sleep!" Yeah, and that's why he passed with Ds last year! He was sitting at the kitchen table with me every night going over his homeowork. At our house, he was making up missed homework from when he was at his mom's, stuff he just didn't turn in, and things missed due to EXCESSIVE absences.
This year, while living with his mom full-time, he's failing all 4 core classes (math, Eglish, science, and social studies). There is no way he can get a passing grade. However, it's up to the school district if they will allow him to move to the next grade. Last year's assessment tests show him only partially meeting the standards for his grade. He's also having behaviorial problems at school. He's on a bad road and I can't stop it.
I think ss should be tested for learning disabilities and/or get a good kick in the a$$. Neither will happen. Dh tried for the testing and even had it scheduled. BB called the school and threatened to sue if they test him without her ok. She doesn't want him "Labeled" and put in special-ed. Better to fail, huh?
I feel for you about your dh. I've been there too. I gave up. I will no longer say anything to ss about his schoolwork. Pass or fail, it's up to him. We're only step-parents. Without the support of one of the bios, we have no power. My dh has been trying so hard since I threw in the towel. I give him credit for trying. I've found that his hands are tied as much as mine were. BB just took ss to Disneyland - right after recieving his reportcard with 5 Fs!! Dh called her and told her he thought it was a bad idea to reward him for Fs. She pretty much told him to shove it and she'd do what she wanted.
Maybe these skids will get motivated on their own (Hell may freeze over, right?) Until then, we wait, we hope, we pray, we seethe, we rage, we fear.
I'm mostly worried about the influence my ss has over my bio kids. Some days, I don't want him any where near them. I too am worried about drug use, violence, crime, etc. He's on that path, and has already been in some big trouble. If he continues, it may be the end of him being welcomed into our house - and that might be the end of my marriage.
Sorry to vent/ramble in your blog. It's just all too familiar to me.
The Bottom Line
is that unacceptable behaviour, no matter what the reason, has to be corrected if any child has a chance of leading a full, rich life. Isn't that what we want for all our children?
Everyone has their own reasons for everything that they do but they should never expect that others will put up with actions that affect them negatively.
I am not saying that you ignore the root cause of the behaviour.Quite the contrary... you definately need to deal with the issues that lead to the behaviour. But children need to be taught more appropriate ways to deal with their emotions.By teaching them that "acting out" is not going to be rewarded or tolerated, it forces them to learn new strategies for dealing with their emotions.
The mainstay of every religion is the concept of "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you" and it is our responsibility as parents to instill this value in our children.
As I look over what I've written, I'm hoping that I don't sound pompous because my beliefs (and they are only MY beliefs) have been formed after a long and harrowing adventure in step-parenting.
My SD(16) is currently incarcerated and cannot/will not be living with us when she is released on Friday. BM, who is unable to handle the situation anymore, has fled the country. This child has burned many bridges behind her and until she agrees to get the intensive therapy she needs, family and friends are unwilling to put themselves out there again for her. Through all this, my DH has been the anchor for that child. At her side but no longer tolerating the horrible behaviour. I am so proud of him, because up to two years ago he was one of these parents that either felt that his child never did anything wrong or he was so overcome with guilt that it paralyzed him.
Gone are the dreams of a cozy, blended family but everyone is doing the best they can in a difficult situation.
THE RIGHT THING TO DO IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST THING TO DO
KeeKee
I hear what you are saying...
And my comments too come from a long and harrowing journey in step parenting. The details aren't important but I can tell you that there were challenges with all of the kids at some point or another. They are now all young adults and doing amazingly well! All college educated and starting good professions. The journey to this outcome wasn't easy and I made lots of mistakes, some with my own kids and some with sks (as we all do!) but I never gave up on them. I know that our conflict (dh and mine) was often because of the kids and ex but it wasn't always necessary and we didn't always do the best job of resolving situations together. So my advice, after years of step parenting, is the think about your role, your perspective, your true feelings about the situation. Are you being objective? Is this your battle to fight? Should YOU as stepmom being intervening? Can the child sense your anger, resentment and rejection of them? (If you think they can't tell how you feel, think again!!!) The outcome can be terrific, the journey will not be! Our choice...it is always our choice!
To Answer Stamina's questions...
I feel that I try very hard to be as objective as I can be..Step brat is given the same rules, expectations, and punishments that I hand down to my own bio children.. I think the fact that her daddy expects his dumpling to receive differential treatment says that he is not objective..
The battles I feel on most levels have been mine to fight..Because I am the one who has her 24/7/365, not her BM or her DH...I have the task of raising her and doing both of their jobs for them..Not an easy task when I have all the responsibility of a parent but no authority over her..
So I would have to say that YES and as the step parent that is RAISING THE CHILD..I should be intervening..Especially since when she screws up at school or else where they automatically want to talk to "her mom". A good portion of the time the child's screw ups fall on the "moms" shoulders and "the mom" is held responsible..
Not to mention, we live in Germany and DH deploys for long periods of time and ALL OF HER falls onto me then and I am held exclusivly responsible. If the military police show up on my door step down the road because she has gotten herself into hot water.. I can't very well say,
"Sorry Officer, I am just the Step mother so I can't intervene but here let me give you her dad's emails address..He is in Bagdad for another year and checks his email about once every two weeks."
I am sure that she can sence my anger, resentment and rejection of her. Just as myself and THE OTHER CHILDREN in our house sence HERS. But when she is standing behind her dad with a rotten smirk on her face because daddy is chewing me out because I expected her to actually do her homework..Or smirking behind her dad's back because he is chewing out one of the other kids for something SHE DID and LIED ABOUT...How could she expect anything less then ANGER, RESENTMENT or REJECTION??? She is 10 and a half..not mentally retarded.. And the OTHER CHILDREN and my self are human beings...Not Saints...
I, by no means, under estimate my step daughter...I am not the one who assumes that she can't tell how I feel..That would be her father..She knows all to well when Daddy is feeling sorry for her and she knows how to use it..
I am not a weekend step mom here..I have this kid 24/7/365..That includes for all the times her Dad is deployed...I have her constantly, not either of her parents. Frankly, since I am the one raising her and have her constantly, I think that it's her father who shouldn't be intervening.
I hear you...you are in a difficult situation...
You are basically raising this child then? That is no easy task I can imagine. You are so right that it is her Dad that needs to get things figured out. My husband was very defensive of his kids and probably I was about mine as well, if the truth be known. I know that I could never ever cope with what you are being asked to do, so while I did have comments about the situation, I certainly do emphathize with you. You are in a very tough predicament and your emotion is palpable. This is obviously eating at you, so regardless of the situation with the child, something has to happen to help you in this to cope. In no way did I ever intend to imply that step parenting is easy...it isn't and I certainly know about that "smirk that happens as Daddy is getting mad at you". I do know what that feels like and I do remember how angry and resentful that I used to feel. Fortunately, years later, I can say that there is hope no matter how grim the situation seems. And even your SD can turn out just fine if Dad starts working with you instead of against you. Good luck...I don't envy you in this turmoil!
Thanks Stamina
I appreciate you on the board stamina..I really appreciate that you can provide me with a bit of positive perspective down the road..You have been at this a lot longer then I have and I really am glad your here!!! You give me HOPE for the future that things CAN turn out okay..Thank you...
The issue for me really is that As much as a large part of me wants to just bail out of this mess and move on..The reason that I have stayed is for the step brat..My own parents and more then a few councelors have told me that I "am the only snow balls chance in hell the step kid has of turning out to be a decent adult"..I also stay because I think that we owe trying to work it out to our son (who is four).
This is the only child that I have ever felt such negative feelings about or wanted to slap into the middle of next week..And yes when she dishes out that "smirk" I have had to leave the room and our house because the desire to slap her lips off her face was over whelming..
Many parents and step parents would have slapped her silly, become physically and verbally abusive or become a drunk...I choose to get some distance and I do so in a manner in which she doesn't know that she "got to me"..I feel if I give her the satisfaction of knowing it bugs me it will only encourage her to do it even more..
Her father should correct her and allow me to correct her for "the smirk" and other unacceptable behavior..So yes, it's HIS fault but she also has some accountability too..
I don't bad mouth her in her presence or with in her ear shot..EVER..( I do that here.) In fact, I have been known to "take a drive" by myself. I pick up a cup of coffee, find a place to park the car and spew venoum out of my mouth until I have released it..No one hears me and I feel much better...LOL..
I am the only one that doesn't allow any one to bad mouth her mother in her presence or ear shot..When DH and I started dating, him and his family members always put down and bad mouthed her mother in front of her and even her older sister (BM's other bio kid who was 11 at the time and living with her maternal grandmother because she had been removed from her moms custody by the state) ..She wasn't even allowed to have a picture of her mother or her sister out any where, to include her own room!
When they moved in with me I put my foot down on that with him and his family..No bad mouthing or negative comments about HER mom or HER sister in her presence or ear shot..And I had to fight and insist that she be allowed to have a picture of her mother in her room..DH and his family were pissed but I didn't care..
I found a picture of her mom and DH on their wedding day and a pic of her and her sister..Myself, my mom, and my grandma all took step brat out on a lady date to the mall and let HER pick out a frames for the picture of her parents..I told DH that if he didn't like it to not look at them when he goes into Step brats room..She has a right to those pictures and a right to display them and not have them hidden away in a drawer like "dirty secrets"..That was 6 years ago and those pictures are still in her room to this day..
Simply meaning, that what you guys read on my blog and the venom that I spew here IS NOT EVER spewed out onto or in the presence of the Step Brat...She does things that piss me off and anger me and some things I do feel she owns accountability for..But her problem is mostly her father and it is him that I am truly pissed at and resentful towards..
Thanks for listening and caring enough to respond..
Kee Kee
I am exactly on the same page as you are..I can accept that she has issues and is hurting ect..But, at some point, DH needs to stop using them as excuses to NOT have to deal with his daughter.. And stop using them as an excuse for her behavior and treatment of everyone else..
That is one of my fears..Because she isn't going to be able to get up before a judge and say "Well blah blah blah because my mother abandoned me"..That isn't going to work out in the real world..The judge doesn't care and the adult world doesn't care.. The prisons are FILLED with people who had a parent abandoned them...I dont' want her to be one of them..
The adult world and social norms and laws are not gonna change for her because her mom bailed on her. I seem to be the only person in her life that is interested in preparing her for that.
It sounds like your DH has come a long way... You must be very proud of him...
diddos
No problem...Please feel free..it's nice to know that I am not alone..
Can I suggest...
It's time you took a vacation with some girlfriends... take a week...no, make it two- hell stretch it out! Time for you to 'disappear' for awhile, go hang out somewhere else. Let DH sow his oats on his own for awhile...
Sorry, I'm feeling ornery today.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
My DH and I are
We finally got someone to watch the kids overnight during this coming weekend. Wahoooooooo! First time in 3 years!
step mom ..A vacations is what I need...
LOL...Actually, I told him yesterday that I am flying to the states for two weeks to see my oldest and my grandbabies...He is about to deploy for 15 months and I am taking some "ME" time before then.. I think one of my main problems is that I just have serious serious burn out..I need a break..