I Feel LIke a Schmuck
After last week's incident where I discovered DH bought his ex the traditional $135 hummel for his ex "from the kids" on Christmas and never got reimbursed from her, and never told me (because he knew I'd freak), I lost it as you can imagine.
I wrote him a letter that was filled with such bitterness and told him, when he married me his life was not his own any more and that the party is over so to speak. I'm done with sucking things up. No more visiting his 14 and 15 year old & watching TV in "their" house anymore on Wednessdays. He can wean himself off by going every other week for now, and he needs to adopt a more conventional visiting schedule now that he's remarried. (He originally started that when he first got divorced 8 years ago for convenience purposes. Believe me, it's TIME - they aren't babies.) So, I outlined the new rules if he wanted to stay married to me, which included threatening divorce if he lies again.
(He tells me half truth all the time about the ex and I'm sick of it.)
Well, today is that night he goes there. Last night, he asked me what I wanted him to do. (I told him I am not making that decision.) He knows how I feel. Then he went off to say...we, as stepmoms have no idea what it's like not to have our kids fulltime, blah, blah....that every other weekend isn't good enough. AS suggested to me previously, I told him to take kids out to bookstore, dinner, etc but that's not good enough. He wants to have a family atmosphere with them...which they get when they do visit us anyway...so he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. (We just saw the kids this past weekend and had a blast.)
But, when truth comes to shove, in any case, I pesonally feel like a huge schmuck here. I really really do.....Do I think he'll go there tonight? Yes...espeically if I waiver...but if he doesn't, how resentful will he be towards me. My marriage is so fragile right now. I'm trying to turn it over to God cause I don't know what the "right" answer is really....
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PS
After all this, DH tells me that the ex never even thanked him for being nice enough to buy that hummel for her "from the kids." What is that about? Do you think she expects it since he's always done it? I would have called my ex immediately for something like that...and told him how sweet that was of him to take the kid to buy me that and to at least offer to pay for some of it. Oh well.
Don't beat yourself up
As the 2nd wife/husband, we are expected to be and are supportive and understanding of the situation but we are not there to be walked over or to feel undervalued or mistreated in any way. I often felt the same way you are feeling but I finally realised that it was not I who decided to get divorced, it was not I who caused that situation. The biological parents must accept that, although the situation is very difficult and causes a lot of pain for everyone, things can never nor should they be the same as before. It's unrealistic for your husband to think that he has a right to his Wednesday night at "their" house - he gave up or lost that right when he got divorced. Stick to your guns, if you waiver he'll sense it and play to your weakness and you'll end up feeling worse. You're trying to compromise by telling him to take them to a neutral place, in my opinion he's not being fair.
it isn't you!!
Bonus Wife your feelings are not wrong here and you are NOT schmuck for having them. These skids are not little children they are teenagers! When I met my dh ss was only 31/2months old. Dh would go two nights a week to bm's, have dinner, give him his bath and put him to bed. On top of that we also had ss home for weekend visits. He did the visits to bm's only because ss was so young and he wanted his son to know that he was there, and form that daddy son bond. But these visits ended when ss was 8months old...they did not continue into the teens!!!! I really think it is your dh who has the issues here, not you. I am happy for you that you were able to express your feeling to him, but I really think it is his job now to make things right in your marriage. Eight years is far beyond reasonable time to adjust, and if his kids can come to your home, and visits are great...it is time for the cord to be cut from the visits at bm's! Stay strong and hang in there!
I agree
with loony. Totally reasonable in the very beging and when they were younger. BUT NOT THIS MANY YEARS LATER AND AT THEIR AGES!!!
I personally would be so crushed. The whole idea of him spending family night at their house is sickening. No offense, he needs a good swift kick in the ass.
Have you guys ever done counseling?
We have no Idea!!!
It is an interesting comment from your DH. That SM have no idea what it's like to have your kids less than fulltime. He should direct that anger toward his own EX and reclaimn what his rightfully his. You might point out to him that it is he who is limiting his time with the kids, by not demanding time on his own. It's like he is so grateful to be with what is rightly his and doesn't have the courage to take a stand, drop the guilt and take the kids out of the house.. go bowling, to the mall an activity, take one kid one Wed and another the next.. spend QUALITY time with them, talking one on one. Watching TV is not quality time spent.
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It must be a full moom
All this talk of divorce this week. It has been a rough one. I am with the ladies...stand your ground. You are his new family now and everyone would be better accepting that the "Norman Rockwell" moment has changed. He can be a great dad with you by his side.
I remember my DH ex having dreams of us all together on Christmas morning. WTF...is she insane. Divorce changes things and the sooner everyone realizes this the better it is for everyone.
Good Luck
Thanks
Wow..you ladies said a lot. I think what I am going to do is a combo of things. I just am so tired of trying to get him to see my point about things...maybe he never will and so I have to still be happy regardless. I just feel changed inside. That hummel incident put me over the edge. I thought the man I married would always share everything with me and not keep anything hidden. Guess that's not realistic. Thanks for being there!!!
Bonus Wife, you are my favorite schmuck!
He's right, you have no idea how it is for him. But you know what? HE HAS NO IDEA HOW IT IS FOR YOU, EITHER! When was the last time HE had to deal with you going to hang out at your ex-husband's house?! Why are his feelings more justified than yours?! What makes HIM right and YOU wrong?! And let's say for the sake of argument that you are wrong, can he not do this for you simply because you are his wife and he loves you?! Can he not compromise on this? No offense, but doesn't any idiot know that it's just not going to be cool with your new wife to go hang out at the ex-wife's house once a week?! This is why God invented the rolling pin, because sometimes a sharp blow to the head is the only answer.
How does everyone in a given situation get all of their wants and needs met? That's easy... they don't. It's impossible. There has to be compromise and someone will have to bend when there is a deal-breaker or it'll never work. I think you have to make a list of your wants and your needs and prioritize them in order of importance. You need to communicate these to him, if you haven't already. There will be deal-breakers... cheating, lying, abuse, etc. are some common examples. You need to determine what YOUR deal-breakers are. If him going to his ex-wife's house to visit with the kids is a deal-breaker for you, then he either has to stop or you walk. But you have to consider... what if being allowed to do this is a deal-breaker for HIM? If it comes down to accepting him as-is and letting it go, can you do that and not come away unchanged? I don't think so. Then it becomes a matter of what you can live with, what you can accept. Only you can decide that. He must have some redeeming quality, else you wouldn't have married him, right? So the question becomes pretty simple... are those other qualities enough to change this situation from a deal-breaker into something you might be able to accept?
Can you be okay with overlooking this, even though it goes against everything you believe and changes you fundamentally as a person? Can he, even if he doesn't understand or agree, accept that this is something he needs to do and is willing to do for you, just because you are his wife and you need this? I think that's what you have to find out... what each of you is willing to do for the other, how much each of you is willing to change for the other and what kind of priority each of you gives your relationship.
I also think the divorce rate would be 100% if people split up every single time someone lied. We all do it, to varying degrees. ("Oh, Aunt Sally, you look DIVINE as a redhead!") It's not right, but it is somewhat human. Men are especially bad, because they seem to think it's better to tell us a lie than to tell us something they think we don't want to hear. Boneheads, all of them.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and make a prediction... I don't think this is going to turn out to be a deal-breaker for either of you. I think you will find a compromise that you both can live with, although there will probably be some fighting before you reach a plateau. Even if there's some disgruntlement on one or both sides for a time, eventually I think this will become a non-issue. I hope so, anyway! Let us know what happens!
~ Anne ~
P.S. You're not a schmuck, by the way.
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
He's Going
Hubby said he's going...and that the reason I don't want him at the old house hanging with his kids is cause of my pride....
What does that mean????? Personally I don't have pride...I'd tell the ex wife to her face that I am pissed her bought her a hummel and didn't ask to be reimbursed..I have no pride.
I told him I just felt like he disregards my feelings...and I just wanted to know why can't he go to that house every other week instead of every week? And his answer was that I just don't understand...that that gives him two days less than what he sees them now...
My husband is the classic case of a guy who really shouldnt have been divorced.
BTW The ex wife isn't home when he is there so he doesn't know why it bothers me....he doesn't get it...he apologized but he was yelling at me over the phone....he's very upset that I want to take his kids away from him...I really have to drop this because he's going to have a heart attack if I don't.
Oh Anne,
You just made tears come to my eyes....Are you a therapist????
You're so darn wise and insightful... And by the way, I look alot like you but with blue eyes (and I still dye my hair dark brown.) Thanks soooo much.
He also said, he always knew this arrangement would be a problem if he ever found someone, but he thought I'd be different....(guilt...I'm not perfect or understanding.)
Are you kidding me?!
Have I not totally inundated y'all with how screwed up MY life is?! Nope, I'm not a therapist, but I do play one online!
I just know that there are things I never thought I could forgive and forget, but somehow, love makes it possible.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Down, girl!
You make me laugh, Fearless! Imagining you on the warpath is better than TV!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Geez (and Tyra)
I don't know. I mean I'm glad to hear that BM isn't there, but geez, they are not babies. And I feel this behavior will teach them that the world revolves around them. How is that going to help them in adulthood?
And Tyra, you had me laughing on that one. The only way you could get me to spend Christmas morning with Darkness is if you put me in a straight jacket, duck taped me to a a hand truck and wheeled me in like Hannible Lectur.
OMG Fearless
I thought you said you just about pooped. I can't stop laughing.
But really, I'm with you on the warpath here. I just couldn't believe the blatant disregard for Bonuswife's feelings. The guy's acting like a bloody polygamist. I don't care if ex isn't there he doesn't belong in her home anymore.
This is a classic case of no healthy boundaries being set after divorce. Really, the dude's in some sort of denial and he's keeping his kids there in a way too, and the ex is conspiring with him on it. Doesn't ex have a bf or hubby by now??? Wonder if there was one how he'd like the ex hubby hanging in his house one night a week???? It is a trip to bizarroland, but hey, I can relate, I'm on my own ride there (((bang head here...)))
Oh, great!
Thanks a helluva lot, trep... now I not only have an image of Fearless nipping at this guy's pantleg, I also now have an image of her taking a dump on the carpet!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
OMG - You guys are toooooo funny.
OMG, I am now cracking up!! How can I feel so friggin giddy over here and am laughing out loud when the truth is I should be crying...
PS No, Trep, the ex has no one...I keep thinking that also. When is she going to get a guy that says...UNACCEPTABLE and throws my hubby's ass out. BTW it's a perfect analysis...Unhealthy boundaries and the whole darn lot of them is in denial, really... Like I said, even the kids don't realize dad is divorced by the way they behave with him. The whole last year has just been one thing after another that makes me realize all he did was stop sleeping with the Saint.
Persephone
you made a good observation...Hubby NEVER demands specific time with the kids...It's like he's so grateful for the crumbs they give him. He has no set schedule other than the Wed. If they come to visit us, they come...he's not going to force them...
Of course I want him to see them As much as he possibly can, on our turf but every suggestion I make concerning taking the kids more often is met with some kind of objection and resistance....
I once said if ex has them all winter, why don't we get them anytime we want all summer....NOOOOO, his precious kids can't be away from their home and friends that long...(My point wasnt ALL summer...just as much as they wanted and of course they can brings any friends.) Then when I asked him to pick Eve or Day for Christmas...NOOOOOOO, the precious kids can't be anywhere other than "their" house..that's all they've known. They must sleep in their own bed for the Holiday....We had to go to the same tree farm that they always went to go get our tree, AND, ex asked if she could go too so she could get hers ...DH told her he didn't think that was a good idea. (SHould I give him a star for that one?)
When I asked about Thanksgiving...NOOOOOOOOOOOOO< precious kids have never spent TG away from mommy....., Then Easter, we met them after church and had brunch. YIPPEEE....Hmmm what else is there? The ex did not want the divorce so he feels horrible making her be without them for any holiday....he will make the sacrifice. I have not once heard him ever fight for anything from her...NOTHING!!!!!
Even, BIRTHDAYS...we go to dinner together all of us...(Well, I haven't done that yet...ex pulled a fast one last year...DH went though.) And, let's see...VACATIONS....they have gone to the same spot a few times. When the kids were younger, mom couldn't bear to have them experience anything that special without her so she showed up.....with her bf so that was okay...Guess Hubby's GF at the time didn't like it cause she hit the road when DH went to Disney same week three years ago... AAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. ...You guys are all right.....No compromises at all. He's not working with me...
Please someone tell me..."step away from the keyboard....I could go on and on....
I'm so sorry
his behavior really is all very unreasonable. I'd push for counseling at this point, because it seems he really hasn't made the break. It's a divorce in some aspects, but it's incomplete. I wonder how tickled he'd be if the tables were turned.
Guess I'm a bit of a beyach. I'd be dolled up and out the door with my pride during next week's "evening at the ex's" even if I just went and sat at the library, and I'd make sure I didn't come home til well after he did. Then I'd be evasive when he asked where I was. And that behavior would continue til something changed. Suppose it's game playing, but I'd be darned if I'd be sitting at home waiting for him while he blatantly ignored my feelings.
How in heaven's name would he feel if the tables were turned and you were hanging out with "your family" at your old home each week?
And I'm a great one to be giving advice, btw. She whose bf is still legally married 5.5 years of separation. I did try to head it off at the pass, he told me the divorce was pending the seal of the court 4.5 years ago when we first started talking. I believed him.
Ack.
What I would like to know is...
so, if he ran out and got a gift for 'the kids' that was $135 for the ex... what did he get you? A cheap watch? To me, we would never even conceive of getting BM a gift 'on behalf of the kids'- no, that's what the kids need to learn... go shopping with DH to get their own gift with their own money that they EARN.
I tell you, I would be pretty perturb too if this were me. Why to me, it's quite a sign of disrespect to you. Doesn't seem to be any attempts to make 'THIS FAMILY' meld.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
This is Long but what I want to tell DH
This is what I want to tell DH but don't know if it will matter...
Should I even bother to give it to him????
I think I finally figured things out…which may help me deal with you in the future. From my perspective I see that your whole attitude about divorce stems from your one belief that:
When you got divorced you decided that EVERY action on your part was going to have to take into consideration your childrens welfare first and foremost, rather than what the “average” divorce agreements call for, rather than what your new wife would feel as a result of your putting your needs or the kids wishes first. Every decision you’ve ever made and every future decision is going to be about the child’s needs and wishes. Then your needs are next…and then mine. What you and I together desire means NOTHING right now. You are hoping to not rock the kids boat with any new ways of doing things (alternating Thanksgiving, etc.)
Whereas, my belief about divorce was that I was to do whatever was “fair” for both me and the father of our child because I believe that both mother and father are equally important in raising a child, that we are each entitled to share him, and that the child should be part of each others’ separate families now. There is no more one family unit. Mom has her life with kid…and Dad has his. In my opinion to behave otherwise is to provide a delusional reality. This is not to say be mean to the other spouse…By all means, I expect divorced parent to work together, to attend school events together, and all new spouses should attend when they can…Why not??? Divorce to me just means, you are not of “one” family anymore, but of two.
In your case, I see now that you tried to keep the “family” intact as much as you could thinking that’s what was best for the children…Perhaps for your children it was.. You celebrated birthdays together and Christmases. You still provided gifts for their mother for the children’s benefit, even after they were responsible enough to handle it, and you still have a relationship with the kids on mother’s turf which is unacceptable to me after the child turns 8 or 9. In my divorce world, most fathers have a relationship with the kids, independent of the mother and her territory.
It’s okay but where does it leave me, your new wife, the newest member of your family?
It leaves me feeling like “chopped liver.” Like this home we created is not good enough…even though this is our reality. It makes me feel like I am nothing in this relationship; your physically still in part of the old world – even though mentally you aren’t – and I am not. I am exluded…My husband and I don’t share our lives. You share mine…I don’t share yours. Can I trust that if I wait this attitude out, that in four years, when they go to college that than, you WILL start to take my feelings into consideration?
What hurts me is that every single time I make a suggestion, thinking it’s for the better of the children and for us as a new family unit, you look at me like I have four heads and you have an objection right away, and every idea is fought with resistance. Christ, it’s sickening to me. You don’t even entertain the thought. At this point I am done…you have your life with the kids when and where you want it but honestly all I feel right now is that:
1) Your children’s “wishes” come first before OUR needs are taken care of (The Ex Gift)
2) Your “wishes and needs” come first before MY wishes (You MUST see the kids on their home turf, and are totally unwilling to compromise by doing it less and/or taking it to a neutral location.)
3) I have to just take it or leave it…..doesn’t matter what I can handle or not.
And truthfully, I don’t know what to do at this point….As long as we have two different views, we are going to behave according to our own opinions about this and will resent each other.
Why I AM jealous of ExWife
And, PS I realize this is why I AM jealous of Ex Wife and I'm adding this to my note....
Whether you realize it or not you are even puttng your exwifes wishes above OURS…and mine, by doing the following:
- Allowing her to monopolize all the kids holidays….and not even ask her to alternate once in a while.
- Allowing you to be her sounding board (after the initial children’s conversation is out of the way.)
- Allowing her to not be financially equally responsible for things such as dance lessons… (Dh (ME) pays cause she cries poverty.)
And so, I am sorry If I seem jealous of her but why shouldn’t I be?
She gets her wishes and needs taken care of but I don’t.
I think that's the bottom line.