Ladies...I need your advice!
Good morning girls! Just got off the phone with DH. First thing this morning, he has a phone call with the ex to discuss something to do with the girls and she goes on to tell him that she has heard that I've been talking about her. Apparently, someone she works with was around one of my friends and my friend told her about how much problems she has caused us and how she had an affair on my DH and on and on.
Now I have no idea who her co-worker is that is telling her this information, and if it is someone that was in contact with one of my best friends, then yeah, there is a chance that my friend said this. My closest girlfriends all know about a lot of the drama and how bad the ex hates me - and they know that she was unfaithful. If one of my friends chooses to discuss this, then I can't control that. Have I spent everyday of my life talking crap about her to everyone I come in contact with? Um, no (thanks to this place!). Of course my DH was like this is heresay and I really don't care about it if she did say something about you.
So my question is, should I stand my ground and speak up for myself (via e-mail? phone?), or just let it go??? I mean, I really don't like that she calls my DH to discuss this instead of ME - I mean, obviously the issue is about ME, not him!
- New Stepmom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Let It Alone
I think that you should not have contact with her. Why give her a chance to argue about it - it is done and over with and you have the prize! She is the one that needs to defend herself - after all she lost him due to her being unfaithful - how do you defend that?
We love gossip
Boy do we love to gossip. I would first ask my friend not to discuss my personal business to other people, that's just me if I want them to know I'll tell them. I think we tell our friends things in confidence not expecting it to get around and back to whoever. Also unless you have something to defend like things were said that you didn't I wouldn't worry about discussing it with her unless you two talk openly to each other if so maybe just send her an email letting her know that you didn't mean for it to go around you thought you were just talking to a friend in confidence after all it's between her and her ex why they split not really anyone else's place to spead it around.
Let it go and get used
to the ex not confronting you... Some do in psychotic rants and others will go to the "sympathetic" ear of DH. The ones that will actually talk with you are mature enough to work through other things as well--those are a rare bread, BTW
Learn from my mistakes!
I used to make the mistake of trying to talk things out with BM when she would say something inflammatory, but I realized after a few hour and 15 minute "conversations" that all she wanted to do was talk at me and not let me get a word in edgewise. She has her own agenda and no amount of talking with her is going to any good.
If she's anything like the BM I'm dealing with, she doesn't want to hear what you have to say. She will likely not actually hear a word you say, she has already decided that you're a bad person who talks about her. So let her think that. It's not worth your time and energy to try and get her to think otherwise.
I hope this helps! I just want to save you the effort because I suspect that speaking up for yourself would be fruitless.
I don't know..
I am a confrontational person when I have to be. SO if it was me in this situation (and I have been) I would take the opportunity to talk to her. By her calling your DH and talking to him about it just opened the flood gates of Communication. You never know you may call her and have a blow up and end on nicer terms.
I was angry when my hubby's ex called him and spoke to him about me, she didn't hear anything I said she just heard her childrens side of how I make them do this and that and I am mean and she was "concerned" but what made me mad is I am a big girl if you want to know something why call him why not call me and talk to me about it. SO I know where you are. I never really got a chance to speak to her about the issue because my husband said he went off.. But I know at this very moment she has been making my blood boil and I am like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.. She is just stepping on my toes a little..
SO I look at this as an opportunity to open up communications with her. Lets face it if the ex's would quite treat us like we are part of the lives of there ex's and kids. We are always good enough to fork over money and take care of there needs in our home daily then why are we not good enough to maybe think of as part of everything else.
Good luck..
Happy
That's exactly how I am!
I always jump to the defense - it is super hard for me to just let things roll off my back. I need to learn to get better about that. I want to address the fact that she called my husband instead of me, but what good would that do? On one hand, I don't want her to think I give a damn about it and on the other hand, I want to call her/e-mail her and set it straight.
I did the e-mail thing once before - about a year ago. My SD came home and pretty much told me that her mom had been talking about me. This was the second time that this had come from the children, so I addressed it. I sent her an e-mail and tried to be super nice. Unfortunately, you can never really understand someone's tone in an e-mail, and since she is a defensive bitch, she totally misread what I typed. She responded to me and let me hold it - it was nasty! And it actually hurt my feelings for a minute. I responded to her nastiness in another e-mail and still tried to be the bigger person by not attacking her in return and she ended up calling me after she read it. We hashed it out over the phone and then hung up. Did we hang up on good terms? I don't really know - I didn't feel good about the conversation because I held back so much. Instead of flipping out and telling her what I really thought of her, I took the high road and was very civilized. I was proud of myself in one way and pissed at myself at the same time that I let her talk to me the way she did. I guess I just wanted to prove that I don't have to stoop to her level and be the immature one - even though I'm so much younger than her. But one of these days, I PROMISE, she is going to get it from me. She is used to being bossy to everyone - her mom, my hubby, her new hubby - I don't think she has ever met her match. She doesn't know how fiesty I can be and every time I let something like this slide, it just builds up for that day when she is going to see my true colors.
You True Colors
will shine through... some day. You will get sick of being walked on, and stifling your thoughts, all the while someone else who can't manage their own household tries to wreak havoc on yours. It took me 15 months of marriage (we dated for 5 yrs) and I think I subconsciously provoked her and brought the hammer down... she too had not met her match--until now.
I have been bio-free since October.
Okay...
I will keep quiet. I know that if I send her an e-mail, we will only get into an e-mail war because she will try to attack every comment I make. If I call her, I have no idea what she might say to catch me off guard and then I'll forget everything I wanted to say, so I will just let it go.
It is frustrating that she calls my husband to get him to relay this message to me though. I mean, he could care less. He does not want to be caught in the middle of this pettiness. And to ask him to ask me not to talk about her? Please. She can not control what I do. I will never disrespect her when it comes to her children, but outside of that, I will do what I please. When one of my friends asks me how things are with the ex-wife, I am going to be honest.
As for her affair, it's funny that she is worried about people talking about that. I mean, she did it twice and both times were with people that she worked with - now she is married to one of the guys. EVERYONE in that building knows what happened - why single me out and assume that I am telling people? That happened way before I even knew my husband existed. I thank her for doing it because now I have him!
It's me again...
I have to post this. I was just reading an old e-mail that I saved (always thinking of covering my ass) and my, how the tables have turned. This was last year. One of the girls had come home and was randomly asking things about a mutual person that BM and I know. I do not know the person very well, but she has never liked me. She happens to be BM's hairstylist. Anyway, it's too long to get into all the details, but this is the response from BM to my e-mail asking her to please not speak negatively of me in front of her children.
S,
For the record, I don’t like you. Granted, I don’t really know you, but I’ve never heard anyone say anything nice about you. That being said, I have not spoken to SD in terms of you EVER. Not with respect to HAIRSTYLIST, DH, or anything else on God’s green Earth. The same goes with SD. You are not an issue in our household and hopefully will remain that way, provided my girls are growing up the way I see fit. SD is a 6 year old girl. Hopefully, you know by now that 6-year old girls (as well as any 6-year old or a 9-year old) have the tendency to get situations out of context. Why she asked you about HAIRSTYLIST, I don’t know. I haven’t mentioned HAIRSTYLIST’s name in months, I haven’t actually seen her since November. Why she suggested to you that I told her to ask you anything about HAIRSTYLIST, I don’t know. I will never use my children as a ‘go-between’ for any problem I may have with you. So, before you come at me with accusations (and, yes, if you take the time to re-read your e-mail to me, it was indeed an accusation), please consider the source from which you are basing your ‘information’. I’m sorry it seems that you have people in several circles that choose to talk about you. I am not one of those people. I don’t care to be one of those people. You, again, are not an issue, unless you have, in my opinion, negatively impacted my children.
In the future, since you’ve proven in this e-mail that you have yet to obtain the ability to reach beyond high school drama, please ask DH to contact me concerning anything. SD and SD are our children and I will discuss any issues with him personally. Thank you.
See the kind of bitty I deal with? What a rude e-mail. And man, what goes around comes around, huh? Talk about having folks in several circles that choose to talk about me? Sounds like that same thing is happening to her. And then, talking about ME not being able to reach beyond high school drama? Um, hello, I was writing to her about something regarding my SD's - I hardly think that could be related to high school drama. She's concerned about "he said, she said" crap - now that is high school drama.
Thank GOD for this site!!!
LOL
I was just getting ready to type "Totally" in my subject line then I saw what you had put in yours! Too funny!
Yes, it is high school drama. I mean, let's face it, we all get talked about to some degree - that is just life. If I had a dollar for every person that has ever come up to me and said "so and so said this about you", I would be rich. I do NOT care about that type of thing. My issue with BM was that it was coming from her children. I was engaged at the time and about to become their SM, and have been super sensitive about how they would accept me. So, yes, if I know I have been talked about in front of them by their BM, I am going to address it. If I were 7 or 10 and my BM didn't like someone, then I would feel like I shouldn't like them either. I know that the older they get, they will understand and will like me for who I am and not what their mom says, but I would still like to prevent as much of it as possible.
My friends are wonderful and always have my back. And I'm sure they probably just started talking to someone, my name came up, they brought up the ex and my friend probably jumped to the defense and started badmouthing the ex. That is understandable and I would probably do the same thing, but still - I have a sticky situation...it's not like an ex-girlfriend that you never have to deal with. This is the mother of my DH's kids, she ain't gonna go away!
Don't buy into it.
For all you know she could be lieing about all of this. Some people just love stirring up shit.
You are better than that. Also from your past experiences, sounds like no matter what you do, she will twist it up.
I like what you said. "One of these days, I PROMISE..."
So if you're gonna let her have it, wait until you can really take her head off.
Just my opinion.
Well just for kicks!
Even though I said I wouldn't acknowledge her, I still decided to type up a response - not to actually send, but just to sort of get my feelings off my chest! Here goes:
BM-
DH and I spoke this morning about the phone conversation that you two had. First of all, it had nothing to do with him, so you could have, and actually should have, come directly to me. Second of all, I have no idea what you are talking about. If one of my friends discusses anything dealing with you, that is not my problem-I can not control their actions. You once made this statement to me: "I’m sorry it seems that you have people in several circles that choose to talk about you. I am not one of those people. I don’t care to be one of those people." I say Ditto. I will never speak negatively of you in front of your children, but if anyone ever asks me about my feelings for you, I will be honest. Do I go around talking about you in day to day conversations with people? Absolutely not. As for your past, I don't have to divulge that information to anyone. You chose to do what you did and you knew the implications, so do not blame me for the fact that that is what people remember you for. Quite frankly, I could care less about what you did in the past - I thank you for it!!
And to quote another one of your statements to me... "in the future, since you’ve proven that you have yet to obtain the ability to reach beyond high school drama", (because that is exactly what this is!) please just take whatever it is you have heard and let it go. This has nothing to do with the children, so there is no point in trying to hash it out. My life is way too busy to be wasted dealing with this pettiness.
Ah, deep breaths, now that feels a little better! :evil:
How about this...
You know, why not say something like, "I'm not sure where you are getting your information, but if I have spoken to anyone about you, rest assured that it was a private conversation about my personal feelings with a trusted individual whom I trusted not repeat my remarks or spread rumors. If someone broke a confidence, then I'm as much a victim as you and obviously that person cannot be trusted by either of us." And if you know who said you said whatever it was that was said, then just don't tell them anything anymore. Otherwise, who cares what she thinks? It's a free country, you can say what you want. Sometimes the truth hurts.
~ Anne ~
Agreed...
Yeah Anne, you really do! Even though I'm not going to respond to her (I'm stomping my feet and grinding my teeth right now), I'm going to hold on to all of this advice and save it for the day I REALLY need it!
I feel so much better now that the day is winding down than I did this morning. I mean, as soon as I sat down in my office I got that phone call from DH. Way to dampen the day! If it hadn't been for this site, I would have sat at my desk all day and just gotten more and more heated and probably gone home and took it out on DH. I can honestly say that I'm not mad over it anymore - I actually find it amusing!
Thanks everyone! I love my new web friends!
Ignore it...
What's funny is that I normally don't talk about BM... of course on here I do and this is about the only time I do, unless one of my friends ask me directly and privately.
What happened with me one time was that during one of SS's early sport events, I mingled with all the parents and obviously making friends. BM on the other hand felt threatened by that, would purposely avoid me, and limited herself from all the other parents. Turns out that close to the end of the season, she and DH were in some heated argument on the phone (one she instigated, one that DH wasn't going to back down on.) she brought up... "yeah, and tell SM to stop talking about me during practices to all the other parents?!?!" WTF?!?! DH stood up for me and told her... "she hasn't said a word about you! What are you talking about?" She went on about someone said I was talking about her, who happens to be a friend of hers or knows a friend of hers, something- whatever... (total BS, because no one likes her) and DH started to laugh and say... "well, if you actually talked to the other parents, then maybe they would like you. Seems to me, you're jealous and insecure. SM isn't." And he hung up the phone.
Oh, I just about lost my cookies when I heard this... LOL.
And every season, without fail. I mingle with the parents, get to know them, participate with all the kids/parents and vs versa. BM sits on the sideline as far as she can, totally reclusive, totally isolated, and without fail, season after season, I get the same conversation... "is that SS's BM over there?" "Yep." "Man, she is strange!" "Oh?" "Yeah, last game/practice I asked/talked to her, and she was rude. I don't like her." They will give me some detailed account of their encounter with her, and how 'weird' she is and all I do is say, yeah, that's her. Oh? I'm sorry. etc etc. I never say a word, but the final outcome of all these conversations is... No, she's not SS's mom, you are. LOL.
In a way, I feel sorry for her because I know it totally makes her insecure further, but on the other hand, she does this to herself. She isolates herself from everyone else and blames me for it. I just ignore it.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I agree with Step Mom
just ignore it. I have been in situations where my in-laws were the ones running to bm telling her I was talking trash about bm, when in fact, THEY WERE THE ONE TALKING TRASH ABOUT BM to me. When they started their rants about bm, I just said..."oh?" and just walked away. I didn't engage in the trash talk, mostly b/c I was warned of their game.
Anyhow, bm has some sense about her, and knew not to trust her source, but on occasion when she didn't know if I said it or not...my dh and I just ignored it, didn't entertain the fight (b/c that is what she really wanted), and we knew we didn't do it. If she felt insecure about herself, or what others might say about her...well then, that is just HER problem.
I think this behavior paid off in the long run, b/c years went by, and one day ss was having real issues with us, and was crying to us about how he didn't like me, and how his family didn't like me, etc..he was totally confused on how he should feel about my existence. My dh called bm to ask her where this was coming from. At this point, we were getting on good terms with her, and she said to dh in what seemed to be a very honest voice.."I haven't said anything about Candice to ss in a real long time. You need to talk to your family."
Whenever bm does lower herself to high school drama standards, we just turn our head, and march on. We totally ignore it. In some ways, it might make her more furious b/c by ignoring it, we aren't validating her concerns, and kind of treating her like she is "crazy".
My vote is, don't waste your time entertaining the idea of explaining or engaging in any conversation with her. She doesn't sound mature, and she probably is incapable of entertaining and adult conversation even if explaining yourself was the right thing to do.
ingnore it unless
I think just let it go unless she brings it up again. Ignoring her will hurt her even more because people like that live on the response and reactions of others. Thats why she called your DH in the first place to get a reaction out of you. Kill her with kindness or even pretend you didn't know about the conversation. It will be a payback and it will make her even more mad- Hope this helps a little. and lol I agree w/ F the ex wives!!!!