Ok, so after the strange conversation with SD when she asked not to go to my parents this weekend because BM was giving her such a hard time, my fiance and I were terribly nervous about whether or not she'd feel comfortable at my aunt's birthday party on Saturday. While eating dinner on Friday night, we called a "family meeting" as we call them, to discuss the weekend's plans.

We said, "We're invited to aunt so-and-so's birthday party tomorrow night, but if you don't feel comfortable going, you and Daddy can stay home for some quality time together. There's no pressure either way. We just want you to feel comfy." She responded in a big huge sarcastic "duh" tone: "Well, let me see - a party? Gee I don't know. Sounds like I would hate it. OF COURSE I WANNA GO!!! Why would you even ask that?!"

Well, we were so relieved - yet very confused too because just the day before she was saying that she didn't feel comfortable with my family and asked that we not go to my parents' this weekend. The party was local, not out of state where my parents live, but the point being that she didn't want to be with my family this weekend. We explained to her that we were asking because of what she had said, and she just got kind of quiet and stared at her feet. Finally she said, "well SOMETIMES I feel uncomfortable, but not all the time."

We just told her to please please tell us whenever she's not comfy because we had no idea and we just want her to be happy, etc. I wish what we had said was more along the lines of, "do you feel uncomfortable because your mom feels left out of your new extended family?" because that's what this is about of course. We'll bring it up soon. It needs to be said.

So, the party was such a blast that SD exclaimed to my aunt that "this is the BEST PARTY EVER and I mean ever!" We'll see how BM turns this into something negative. She'll find a way.

We just got our first appointment for family therapy with SD at the clinic! I am so looking forward to going and helping my fiance shed some light on the situation.

I don't know yet if BM will be going to this appointment. Part of me really wants her to be there so she will show her true colors when she sees that I'm there. However, the other part of me really doesn't want her there because I'm afraid I won't say what needs to be said in her presence. If things aren't going her way, she'll just burst into tears and make it all about her so that no progress is made at all. That's her MO.

God, grant me the strength!

The social worker on SD's case at the clinic left a message for my fiance this morning saying that SD is worried that my attendance today would "damage her relationship with her mother" and asked that I participate via speakerphone. WTF? I don't know whose words those are - BM's? SD's? the social worker's? the psychiatrist's? - but Jesus Christ, I should be there! I certainly don't want to cause SD any more stress in her already stressed-out life, but it's not ME causing her the stress, it's her damn MOTHER! If SD is scared to go home to Mommy after I come to family therapy, then maybe Mommy shouldn't have custody!!

Not coming sends a very clear message to SD. It says, "Don't worry, we will bow to BM's temper tantrums for as long as we all shall live. We will live by her control. We will let her use you as a pawn, we will allow her to manipulate you and us and the mental health system, all in the name of keeping the peace. Better yet, we will let her live in a fantasy land where she can pretend I don't exist. I will just disappear off the face of the earth and everyone will be happy."

ARGH!

My fiance is calling the social worker back to tell her all this and insist that I come. If it doesn't work out, I'll participate via speakerphone, but I DISAGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY WITH THIS!

Well, we should be paying you all the big bucks, because you came to the same conclusions as the psychiatrist!

First off, the psychiatrist decided not to tell SD about our next appointment until the day of so that a) SD won't be worried about mixed loyalties as time leads up to it, b) BM can't force the information out of her, and c) BM won't show up and crash the session. (The psychiatrist herself said she suspected BM would do this. We all concur.)

Also, we did end out the session without SD so we could fully flesh out the situation without sugar coating it for SD. The psychiatrist thanked me for being flexible about participating via speakerphone and I just said that I hoped they didn't think that it was my presence that was stressing out SD, but BM's reaction to my presence. She actually laughed and said she knew that in the first 5 minutes of meeting BM. What a relief!

The psychiatrist also said that half the words out of SD's mouth were not her own. She said she had every reason to suspect that she is repeating everything her mother feeds to her because an 11-year-old doesn't talk like SD does about very adult issues.

She encouraged us to go after custody. She said that she has to remain objective, but if what she has observed in this case is true, then there is a reason SD is sick: BM. She said that SD would thrive in a stable environment and she believes that we can provide that to her. She also is VERY fearful of what BM will do when she gets the court summons. However, she still thinks that the only way SD will ever get better is to remove the source of her mental anguish. She has offered to provide all of her detailed records to the courts to aide our case. (She can't offer an official recommendation for objectivity reasons, but her records plainly show what any sane person would recommend.)

We also talked about the divorce and why, after 4 years, it has still not gone through because BM refuses to close it. We got on the subject of finances and we mentioned that my fiance will likely be required to pay her alimony for life because she is mentally disabled and unable to work. The psychiatrist immediately jumped in to ask how she even got custody if that's the case. We explained that she actually used it to her advantage: since she does not work, she is able to raise SD full-time, be available for her on days off school, etc. The psychiatrist was outraged. She told us to use her mental disability and hang her with it. Wow!

So the session was a success, even though I was not physically there. My crowning moment was before SD left the room and they were telling me about what they had talked about before they called me. They shared that SD didn't like when her parents badmouthed each other, so the psychiatrist told her to say "you may not speak badly about my father" and vice versa, then leave the room. She told her to say it to me too and she said "oh no, I don't have to. Caitlin's great. She never talks bad about anybody." So apparently, I AM capable of hiding my hatred of that cow! My heart just swelled with love for that little girl when I heard that.

Oh and by the way, she said the only bad thing that dad once said about mom was that she's crazy. (I just have to laugh at that.) She said it was hurtful and he apologized and explained that he had said it to try to explain why she did some of the things she did, ie. "Mommy's mentally ill so she sometimes doesn't mean what she says or does." I don't know if he actually used the word crazy or not, but at least that's how SD heard it. Meanwhile, BM speaks ill of us left and right, pouring poisonous lies into her ears, but she doesn't bring that up. The psychiatrist has already been witness to BM badmouthing us right in a session. She actually stopped her on several occasions. I'm so glad she gets it!

Next step: in-home therapy. A team of psychiatrists comes to both homes to help evaluate SD and her interaction with her family members. More ammo for our court date! BM is digging her own grave here.