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Valentines lovefest

georgina29's picture

Submitted by georgina29 on Tue, 02/13/2018 - 12:27pm

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Valentine’s Day is coming up and the lovefest isn’t about us and our marriage as usual. He did make dinner plans but will likely guilt me into paying. He managed to get his kids (5 and Dirol plenty of stuff, cards, candy, books, a binder, stuffed animals etc. I’m not against getting kids things for Valentine’s Day but I fell some candy hearts or chocolates and one other small gift will do. I don’t see the need to get multiple gifts and make it all about them as usual. Yes I know I sound bitter. We agreed not to get each other anything for Xmas and didn’t but step kids got majorly spoiled and lots of gifts. It was overboard really. The thing is hubby doesn’t have the money to be doing this and I’m not contributing to the spoiling anymore. He guilts me but honestly I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to be paying his children gifts anymore. I used to but stopped. I know I set a bad precedent. They are just so bratty and rude I don’t care to buy them anything anymore. Plus I work hard for my money. Hubby works from home most of the time at his family’s company.

secret's picture

Submitted by secret on Tue, 02/13/2018 - 12:39pm

He told he you he made dinner plans?

Let him know how much you appreciate that HE is taking YOU out, that it'll be nice to be spoiled for a change.

If he balks at that... tell him that if you're going to be stuck paying, that you'd much rather be paying for something else for yourself. Then do that.

SAFjh's picture

Submitted by SAFjh on Tue, 02/13/2018 - 1:09pm

I wouldn't pay under your circumstances and in fact...just my feeling...I wouldn't even want to celebrate Valentine
s Day with someone who I didn't feel I was still in love with. I've followed your posts honey...wouldn't celebrating V-Day be a lie anyhow? Or are the two of you working things out and you just haven't laid down the law yet on financials? It's supposed to be a day to celebrate partnerships not kids or skids. I think it silly to make every single holiday about the damn kids.

My SO used to spoil her kids on Easter Sunday as if it were Christmas. It made me crazy on two fronts...she was just plain always spoiling them rotten of course and secondly I felt like she was setting a bad precedent too. Her kids would expect that much more on Christmas day and she felt she would have to live up to that and things just snowballed after that. It is so ridiculous what she spends on them at holidays! I mean to her credit she finds a way to pay for it all without crawling into me for help (I give the kids a gift each myself so I don't seem like a total monster) but she has lived beyond her means throughout the years spoiling the brats and she has a tremendous amount of credit card debt...and she makes a great living!!! Ugh...I've gone on about me and I'm sorry.

Back to you...if you really want to celebrate your unhealthy relationship...either to take your mind off the pain on a romantic holiday(could backfire on you btw) or because you two are trying to repair things then I agree you should make some sort of allude to how excited you are to be spoiled. He will have no choice but to show you his hand right? If you learn HE intends to be taken out by YOU and treated and then back to your house so you can climb on top of him...well then you will know what you want to do.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Tue, 02/13/2018 - 1:10pm

If you DO go to dinner, do NOT take your purse. No money, no credit cards, no paying by you. Make sure he has his wallet before you leave.

Blue Moon's picture

Submitted by Blue Moon on Wed, 02/14/2018 - 2:40pm

What is wrong with these dads? Why the need to ALWAYS make it about the kids?

I mean, if there's one time in the whole year that should be about you and your SO, it's Valentine's Day, Hello!!!???

I agree with Secret, that if you have to pay for your dinner, you should spend it on yourself only.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 02/13/2018 - 3:10pm

While I am a firm believer in all-in marriage commitments and had no problem raising my SS-25 as my own (since his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo) I do take exception to situations where a parent incapable of supporting or unwilling to support their own prior relationship children expects their new partner to support those kids.

In our case we married with squat for nothing except for my freshly printed BS in Engineering,two apartments full of college furniture and two 8+yo vehicles. We committed to making a life together and I insisted on being an equity parent to any children in our home regardless of kid biology. As it turned out... SS is an only child in our marriage.

She never once insisted that I provide for the kid. She didn't have to. But then again I would not have married someone who was looking for a meal ticket or a daddy for her already born kid. After a sever laps in judgment in marrying my first wife whose diary outlined her intent to marry for what she mistook as "family money" I had no intention of marrying anyone who would be less than my equity life partner.

Your situation is one of those situations that doesn't pass the smell test. I caution you to be very careful about navigating a marriage with a prior relationship breeder who so clearly has demonstrated that he wants you to provide for his children and who also demonstrates clearly that he has no interest to make you his priority or commit his income to doing things with and for you.

My mother regularly advises my incredible bride to never forget that "what is yours is yours, and what is his is yours". Which I suppose is the definition of an equity life partnership in the Rags clan. Wink

Be vewy, vewy caweful.

Take care of you.

Ispofacto's picture

Submitted by Ispofacto on Wed, 02/14/2018 - 1:49am

Dear Georgina,

You deserve to be loved. Really loved. You deserve to be put first. You deserve happiness.

Hugs,
Ipsofacto