Valentine’s Day Drama... PLZ HELP!
I have been dealing with a nightmare situation with my boyfriend -slash- would-be fiancé... a perfect storm of Guilty Daddy Syndrome, nightmare Mini-Wife, and BM from hell. Too much drama to get into right now.
Things came to blows last week because I made it clear that I expected him to arrange childcare so we could be together on Valentine’s Day... Thursday was his night and I had assumed he worked it out, but at the 11th hour it became clear that he had done nothing and was choosing to spend the evening with his daughter instead of me.
I chose to finally take a stand. He had been promising to change the schedule for months and switch her to weekends so he would stop going back and forth from my house four times a week.
Made it clear I would not be happy if he did not make a plan for us and suggested he text her best friends mom to ask if she could go over there... which is a non-issue... my son has stayed at friends houses on a school night dozens of times because I had a late event. That’s what parents do. You figure it out.
But then his paralyzing guilt kicked in and in his mind I was now asking him to not be a father and abandon his daughter because I was expecting him to spend a romantic holiday with his lover. He got upset and sent a text saying... “don’t ask me to choose between you and my daughter because you will lose 100% of the time...” which was totally unnecessary and rude AF. As much as I adore my son I would NEVER say that.
We didn’t talk for days. He didn’t even say thank you for the Valentine candy I left on his porch.
His daughter has serious issues as a result of him playing Disney Dad (albeit one who vapes in front of his kids... horrible) and never actually parenting her. She suffers from anxiety and ADHD, is failing school, ruins every plan, tells lies to get her way, won’t ride in a car, refuses to shower or brush her hair, throws soul-crushing meltdowns if she isn’t the center of attention, and has been sabotaging our relationship from day one to keep him all to herself... with the BM helping by constantly guilt-tripping him for having a relationship and spending time with me.
Was at the end of my ability to deal.
I keep trying to explain that his actions (and inactions) are creating the problem because she needs discipline and boundaries to get back on the rails. He says he’ll make changes, but when it comes time does nothing... likely because he’s afraid of losing her favor to BM.
Insisting on him making me a priority on Valentine’s Day was I think me subconsciously drawing a line in the sand and saying, time to step up now.
Anyway. He finally followed up today with a manifesto further detailing his feelings for his daughter and how she is the “love of his life”— I’m sorry, but I consider that TOTALLY inappropriate... in my mind that is a term of endearment for romantic lovers and wives, not your ten year old child.
Interested to hear if others agree... I’m at a loss here
My lip curled involuntarily
My lip curled involuntarily as I read this. Ewwwww.
You can't force this guy to...be a normal parent. He isnt even emotionally available. Just be done with his crazy and move on. Think of it as a Valentine's gift to yourself.
Wait
after he was a complete jack wad to you, you left candy on his doorstep?
after he called his daughter the love of his life and told you she comes above you, you are still with him?
cut him off right now. Walk away. You are fighting a lost battle and are just prolonging the agony.
I know... I felt bad thinking
I know... I felt bad thinking that he wouldn’t have something for V-Day. Lol.
So
are you codependent? Maybe you should talk to a counselor about that. It sounds like my mom is. “Yeah he’s verbally abusive and is in a half million in debt because he had a gf on the side but where would he live if I divorced him?” Are you kidding me? Who took care of your needs on Valentine’s Day? He sure as fuck didn’t and then you felt bad for him?
Sadly I think I’m just an
Sadly I think I’m just an idiot... thanks for the kick in the ass. I know I deserve better.
Thank you. I’m like, if you
Thank you. I’m like, if you love your daughter so freaking much why the hell would you allow her to spiral out of control and do NOTHING to fix the situation? She has failed literally every grade of elementary school and yet they kept her in the same public school (even though he can afford private), did nothing to alter the ping-pong visitation schedule (which I believe is causing added stress), and made zero change to the status quo to help her. My son failed one class one semester and a team of tutors descended immediately to get him back on track. They did nothing.
Meh
dont muddy the water with all that nonsense. You’re focusing in the wrong direction. He’s made it clear you are not a priority and you will never be. How his kid acts is a non issue. How he’s treating you is what you need to look at. All this “but, but what about” is just dragging it out.
Your boyfriend/fiance has
Your boyfriend/fiance has made it abundantly clear where you stand in the pecking order, and it is not where a future wife should be. Putting aside the misery this SD and her behavior would cause you over the years if you married him, you are not being made the priority you should and deserve to be. There's no point in arguing, explaining your position or trying to change him. You've already tried that, and there's no point in prolonging the inevitable. Time to tell him it's over, walk away and make yourself a priority.
Assume he was honest
When he told you that she will always come first.
You should cut your losses now! Just break up!
Be done with this.
Get your stuff, drop his stuff on the porch like the candy and be grateful you never made a home, marriage or baby with him. There are too many women willing to settle; stop being one of them.
He's Just Not That Into You
He's Just Not That Into You
He never will be into you. You will never come first. He has told you so. Take him at this word. “When people show you who they are, believe them..."
Save yourself years of future heartache and get out of this now.
This is the part that is so
This is the part that is so confusing... he will go on about how much he loves me, says I’m everything to him, and that I’m everything he’s ever wanted and yet pulls this crap. I know that there are just too many issues for this to end well. Don’t worry... I’ve already told him I needed to move on.
No.
No no.
You don’t talk to him about needing to move on. That’s just a tactic to spark conversation and try to get him to change. Stop it.
break up with him now. Cut this loser off no matter how many promises he makes. He doesn’t mean the words he says to you.
My DH’s birthday is Valentine’s Day. I absolutely insist the focus be on him. But every year, no matter where in the world he is, he does something meaningful and romantic for me. That’s the kind of love you need, not some ventriloquist dummy mouthing platitudes so he can keep getting into your pants.
He's just trying to keep you
He's just trying to keep you in the picture when he does that. Please make sure to go before you get in too deep.
I'm sorry he said those things to you, and I'm sorry this will hurt...
Thanks so much for the
Thanks so much for the understanding and support. I have a history of ending relationships because men aren't "perfect" (or turn out to be pathological sociopaths) so I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and make it work... I know. Stupid.
Really helps to hear I'm doing the right thing here.
Words are words and actions are actions
Asking to go out alone on Valentines night and have adult fun is not too much to ask. Normal family do that, or do something the weekend before or after. It’s time to pack your bags, or have them pack there bags and move out
i was never a big fan of Valentines night, with all the restaurants going crazy with people. But always did some the next weekend. When there more time , not three hours at night and having to work the next day
He did suggest we do
He did suggest we do something that weekend and alternatives, but in my mind that wasn’t the point. I wanted him to prove that he was willing to change the status quo and make me a priority that night instead of his daughter... he was not willing to even send a text and that’s the end of it.
This will be an unpopular
This will be an unpopular opinion, but I'm going to say it anyway -
You set yourself up for that. If my DH ever told me he "expected me" to do something that was hard for me, just to prove that I would "make him a priority", I'd be resentful and pissed off. So would you if your SO did that to you.
Now - I get that you had been trying to address this in other ways. And he was a moron to tell you you'd lose any battle between you and his daughter, and that she was the love of his life, but setting up a situation like that was unfair to him and bound to fail. He offered alternatives, you refused them, because you wanted him to CHOOSE YOU, and that was hard for him.
He's struggling with how to balance his relationship with you and his relationship with his daughter. From what I read on this board, that's not uncommon. My DH told me too, when we were first dating, that I'd come second to his son, but it really never panned out that way, as it became clear that I would be there for him regardless, and his son isn't. I never asked him to put me first, I wouldn't have asked him to cancel visitation for me to have time with him. That wouldn't have seemed fair to me, Valentine's day or not. And in the end I am first to him.
Anyway, you got the answer to your dilemma that you didn't want to hear - so what is next?
I hear what you are saying
I hear what you are saying and that is exactly his view... he doesn’t like being told what to do and felt pressured. But this man had been stringing me along for months, promising change that never came and I knew I needed to force the issue. He may have strung me along indefinitely, telling me what I needed to hear to keep me available for sex, doing nothing to fix the situation so things would work long term. I forced the issue and I’m glad I did because he made it clear that I will never be a priority and I can’t live with that. Also, I haven’t even told you guys the bad stuff that’s happened. If I did, everyone would want to institutionalize me for staying with him this long. Lol. It’s time to go.
He was wrong for that - he
He was wrong for that - he should be upfront and tell you what he is and isn't willing to do in regard to his child.
Also, arranging childcare so
Also, arranging childcare so you an go out with your lover for the evening is not hard and shouldn’t be... parents do it every damn day and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids. He made an issue of it for no reason. If he would have just made an effort and sent a text I would have felt like he tried and accepted other options.
Or - you could have accepted
Or - you could have accepted Valentine's Day plans on another night so he didn't have to give up his visitation.
I know this is bigger than that, but at this point, you should let him go. Forcing him to prove his love does not bode well for your relationship.
Sounds like you are in a
Sounds like you are in a similar situation and I’m sorry, but I deserve more. Not willing to settle for scraps. He didn’t even get me a card or gift for our one year anniversary.
I'm not in a similar
I'm not in a similar situation at all, my DH does put me first, and I do get that there is so much more than just Valentine's Day that is going on here. I just never would have asked him to cancel time with his son to prove something to me.
Of course he should get you a card or a gift for your anniversary, and if you feel you deserve more, then you do!
He's not the guy for you -
If it were just Valentines
If it were just Valentines day it would be different. But by your post this isn't the first time and Valentines day was just the icing.
Be very thankful you are not enmeshed further in this disaster and walk away. He made it very clear, you will never be number 1. Which is the golden rule in a relationship.
Find a guy who wants to put you first. And ditch this dud.
Look I’ll be blunt - he needs
Look I’ll be blunt - he needs you for sex. Nothing else.
Right this minute go block him every which way and forget you ever knew such a rat bastard. Not one word to him ever again.
This is the truth.
This is the truth.
You have received sound
You have received sound advice on this thread. You have all the ingredients for a dire decade or more ahead (not sure how old SD is) - ie SD is a nightmare, so is her mother, your bf is a knob head. He has told you that he will always choose his daughter over you, so my advice is to choose yourself over this nauseating collection of heartbreak.
So, what are YOU going to
So, what are YOU going to change about this situation? Will you continue to be his beck and call girl? Or will you put he and his toxic shallow and polluted gene pool fading in your rear view mirror as you move on to a new life adventure?
I know my vote on this. And I know I don't even get a vote.
I would take his "manifesto" of toxic devotion to his crotch nugget and make him an internet star. Other women need to be forewarned.
Good luck.
Take care of you.
Unfortunately it
Unfortunately it is illegal to hold men down and give them face tattoos with number of marriages, number of children, number of girlfriends they have burned through, and Disney scale rating. LOL
Isn't that a shame. It
Isn't that a shame. It needs to be an option for women as well. Disney parent status is not limited to just the Dads.
Agreed.
Agreed. But given that women regularly wear cosmetics, the involuntary tattoo giving us away can be covered up and no one would notice. They actually make special concealer to cover regretted tattoos. We are sneaky that way. LOL
That made me laugh.
That made me laugh.
Thanks for that.
And I should have stayed
And I should have stayed strong the last time, Rags... unfortunately I slipped back into the dicksand. Tying a rope around my waist this time.
Lol. I hear the call of the
Lol. I hear the call of the dicksand can be mesmerizing.
Please take care of you.
I have my earmuffs on...
I have my earmuffs on...
Don't let him:
The only thing you can change here is to understand your worth. Love yourself enough to realize you deserve to be in a partnership where you are valued.
Know that he won't change. He will ALWAYS prioritize his daughter over you, probably well into adulthood. So either you accept it or move on.
I was in a marriage EXACTLY like this. One of the last things EXDH said to me was "I will always take her side". That phrase was the straw. As painful as it was, I ended it and walked away.
6 years later, I'm still in a great relationship with a wonderful man. (I still spend time with my ex-step who is now 18 and we have a wonderful relationship sans EXDH). EXDH is in a new relationship where he is behaving EXACTLY the same way.
There's hope.
You just have to believe you deserve better.
This helps a lot... thank you
This helps a lot... thank you.
And you're thinking of
And you're thinking of marrying him........
Why???
To be honest... because we
To be honest... because we share a lot of things in common, I love him, and the sex was amazing. Also he doesn’t snore, which is worth A LOT.
Pros and cons
i had a conversation once with my best friend. Years and years ago. She was complaining that her husband had a bad habit of putting boxes in the hall closet instead of taking them out to the recycling bin. She groused for a little bit and then finally laughed, “at least that’s a bad habit I can live with.” She really gave me a new perspective on relationships. There will be plenty of men that have qualities I enjoy, I don’t have to be with someone who has qualities I can’t live with.
Your man, no matter how good he can lay down the D, makes you feel unimportant and lonely. He’s not willing to treat you like part of the family because it might upset the love of his life. No matter how you try to twist the logic or argue, that’s who he is. Is that what you want? If not, it’s time to ghost him like he never existed.
It sounds like you gave him
It sounds like you gave him clear expectations. Unfortunately, he didn't come back with specific actions.
Now... I will say this... if he is a NCP and "thursday" was his custody day.. and he has a high conflict EX and relatively few days with his child. I can see how he might not want to give that time up with her. And.. if it was a school night.. I don't remember once my parents putting us off on someone else if they had a late night on a school night. .. (babysitter at most.. but not go somewhere else).
So.. the only thing I might give him the "pass" on is not planning an event on a school custody night.
BUT.. he could have sent her a nice present.. flowers.. chocolates.. jewelry.. and he could have told her he planned to take her to her favorite place for Valentines day on DAY X vs Vday...let her know she wasn't forgotten.. but that he felt he had a responsibility to care for his child.
I mean, he might be confusing things when he says his daughter comes "first" because as a parent, his RESPONSIBILITY to care for his child does trump a want/desire from his SO. But.. that doesn't mean that his child should always come first in every way. His relationship with OP should definitely be a PRIORITY.. which is different from a responsibility.
+
Woah
Whoever and whatever the ex is should not be part of their relationship equation.
My DHs bday is the 14th so it’s a family dinner. Otherwise, the kid would have been with a baby sitter for the adults to have a nice romantic dinner.
I didn't say that the EX
I didn't say that the EX should be part of the equation at all. I just said that sometimes people celebrate holidays on diffrent days than the actual "day" for a variety of reasons. One of the reasons is that parents might have a hard time getting a sitter for Valentine's day on a school night. Some people prefer to go out to celebrate a different night because the best places are too packed etc... I'm saying he could have said. Thursday is bad because I have custody.. but I'm sending you a surprise to open that day and we will celebrate proper on Y DAY when we both are free.
He also could have made an
He also could have made an effort to arrange childcare or work it out instead of escalating the situation by pitting me against his daughter in his mind. He has a fatal case of Guilty Daddy Syndrome and he will never be able to have a healthy, balanced relationship until he deals with it. Not my problem anymore.
Sure.. he could have. But a
Sure.. he could have. But a NCP.. may have their child very little and be reluctant to give up that time... or unable in reality if his EX wouldn't take the child back.. and it was VDAY.. childcare may not have been a slam dunk to arrange.
I'm NOT saying I agree with his 'child first" manifesto.. I'm saying that if he had made an effort to at least do something special in honor of the day.. even if it wasn't on THAT day.. that could have been enough.
That's where I get stuck, too
That's where I get stuck, too, I just wouldn't ask DH to cancel visitation time to make me happy, if we had other days we could go out. The demand to do so made both of them miserable in the end, so where was the benefit?
Though this guy does sound like he needs to figure out how to have an adult relationship while being a parent.
I do hear you and respect
I do hear you and respect this perspective... that has been his stance and argument throughout ths drama. I'm being unreasonable expecting him to push away his daughter to spend time with me. I get it. But it's still bullshit. In the city and with people who are social, have events, careers, etc. it is common for parents to do things on school nights and arrange childcare or sleepovers with their friends. At least in my circle it is. My son did this many times and it is not a huge deal. He is making it a big deal because of his Guilt. And, yes, the fact that his dragon lady ex is such a huge factor in our day-to-day equation and has the ability to ruin my plans on a dime is simply not okay. My son's father hasn't answered the phone when I call in over two years and will not respond to texts AT ALL when his new wife is around. She forced him to establish boundaries and I respect her for it even though she is a horrific C-word. I've been trying to do the same with this one and it's clear that will never happen. It's too dysfunctional. I've given him the benefit of the doubt and made excuses to justify his bullshit behavior so many times at this point it's embarrassing. Done.
Also, he has 50/50 custody...
Also, he has 50/50 custody... he has PLENTY of time with this girl.
But I know that’s not enough
But I know that’s not enough for a happy life..
I'm sorry to read about you
I'm sorry to read about how you've been treated by this man. Hopefully "the love of his life" will take very good care of him when he is an old man because I can't picture any normal self respecting woman wanting to be with him.
I’m so grateful for all the
I’m so grateful for all the incredible insight and advice... but nobody has answered the original question! Is it creepy to call your daughter the “love of your life” or am I overthinking? I’d already had an issue with him calling us by the same pet names (and was trying to ignore it as I’m occasionally guilty of accidentally calling my son “baby” which I typically reserve for my man), but for him to say this was over the line.
I think a number of responses
I think a number of responses have answered your original quesion which didn't need to be asked in the first place. You already know the answer.
YES! IT IS CREEPY!!!
And, your son is your baby. Regardless of how old he gets. The comparison of you calling your son "baby" and him calling his Lolita mini-wife daughter/snuggle partner "the love of (his) life" is not even comparable.
Quit avoiding what you know to be true and act on it rather than continuing to martyr yourself on the alter to this non-man and and his toxic crotch nugget.
I think it's rather creepy.
I think it's rather creepy. That would make my skin crawl.
Looks like...
...you've got this one figured out.
Yeah, that's just wrong. It just sounds so... INAPPROPRIATE. I wonder if he can understand how he sounds to others when he says that stuff? Icky...
Think of your newly rediscovered lifestyle now:
You do not have to feel bad about this one not working out, so don't let him try that. Just get what valuables of yours you have back from him and return his to him, and move on from the toxicity.
Embrace your happiness as a single lady again, it's not a bad gig! I had to really unlock my mind after my 2nd divorce to really find that being a single guy is pretty cool. As for dating, that's just an exercise in futility LOL... Embrace singlehood for a while!
Wow---
Wow---
no comment on this one. I wont touch it with a 10foot poll.
Best wishes.