Of course her SS being useless and not launching would affect her. It means another grown person (one who she isn't related to, at that) living in her home and draining the resources.

And yes, intact families divorce over this kind of thing all the time. Different expectations of kids, different parenting styles. My own grandparents divorced after over 3 decades and 6 kids over this EXACT issue. The baby of the family was nearly 30, still living at home, had been to multiple school programs and never finished anything...then got married to some floozy and moved her into his parents' basement with him, which they kept as a pigsty. I'm talking huge piles of dirty laundry all over the pool table, wrappers everywhere, half empty sodas...sleeping until noon. They also had a couple of dogs down there that they wouldn't take out enough.

I know this because I was alive and saw it...about 9 years old. It got to where no one else in the family felt comfortable visiting my grandparents in their beautiful lake home. My grandmother coddled my uncle...my grandfather couldn't stand it and kept trying to force him out...but she undermined him every time. Then, one day, when she was out grocery shopping, my grandfather left the home, left her a letter, and never came back.

So, yeah. Kids not launching will break up 'intact' families, too.

OP...to answer your question. If my skids NEVER launched I would be out of here so fast. Honestly, I was at the point where, if they'd taken much past 18 or 19 to get moving...I would have at least considered living separately until they were all established in some kind of program and plan.

I'm in a nuclear family, DH and I married when we were 19 and 20, respectively. My SS40 is actually his nephew biologically. If DH babied and crippled one of our three children or SS the way I see some Disney dads do on here with their failure to launch kids, yes I might just leave him. I's not good for marriage or the adult kids to have that situation. Very crippling and unhealthy for the kids.

Read my response above. You are very right to feel this way...and intact families can and do break up when a kid doesn't launch and one parent enables it and the other parent wants the kid to launch. It can be very damaging to any kind of marriage relationship...whether the kid is a step or your bio. I think it might even be more damaging if it's your bio because you feel like a failure.

My brother failed to launch for a while, too...and didn't help around my mom's house (she's a widow, living on a small income), drained her resources. I kept thinking that if my dad were alive, that would never have been allowed to happen. The other kids...really hated it that he was still so dependent on my mom...and we eventually cajoled and encouraged and shamed him into moving out on his own. I swear the next time I saw him, he looked 3 inches taller. There's just something about providing for yourself that makes you feel good.

"Now I am curious...are there bio parents out there who would be perfectly content to have their kids live with them forever?"

I will be interested to see what responses you get to this question. Unlike you, I don't mind judging people }:)
I think it is the natural and desirable thing to do that young ones grow up and fledge, leaving the nest to establish their own homes and families eventually.

I think part of the reason my SDs haven't is that their mother, the vile NPD BM, has always bound them to her with hoops of steel. She interferes in their lives, muscles into their social lives (honestly, who wants to be going out with your mother when you're 17?) and in every way is unhealthily enmeshed.

PS so glad to hear you're doing well with the disengagement and also hopefully less anxious.

As a bio parent I would never be content if my adult bios never left home. It would signify I failed as a parent to raise my children to be productive happy adults. IMO the parents that are content to have their grown children live with them permanently have co dependency issues. For me its pure joy of having them launch. Being proud of my kids independence. Also, not to forget my "snoopey dance". I have done my time, now its time for me.

Nope.

I don't have any kids, but as I've mentioned in responses above, I've seen a failure to launch bio break up an intact marriage and have negative affects on the rest of the family. Bio-parents who don't insists on their kid launching...if they have more than one...should also consider the affect this has on the other kids who have launched. As I've seen, it causes huge rifts.

My 21 yr old is living w/us because of his LD. He's working and getting SSI but will always need some sort of guidance in his life. I'd like to get him to the point where he is semi living on his own. I may set him up in a living situation w/his sister who would love help w/rent. DH and I are also contemplating the garage apt or MIL suite so that he is *on his own* but yet has the support he needs. The ol' "18 and yer outta here" doesn't work for every situation.

I never envisioned mothering my kids into their adult years, not my dream of motherhood. But it's the right thing to do otherwise my kid would likely be on the streets. He's respectful, earns his keep around the house and gets along w/DH so the situation is doable although not ideal.

Great answer Gimlet.

I lived with my mother for about 6 months after I left my ex. Her and I are great together and I spend one night a week with her - Moms date night BUT after I moved out she told me that she loved me but didn't want me ever living with her again

She wanted to see me back on my own feet and get back my independence. She said as much as she loved me I cramped her style and she has been in her own place for so long another person there for more than a weekend puts her out. LOL

SO and I were just discussing this last night when SS15 grades came up again. I told him that my motto is 18 and out whether or not he goes to college because I can see him just getting a part time job pumping gas and living with us. SO said "well he will pay rent" I said "Yes he will - to another person, but not here" He agreed thank goodness.

Group homes have waiting lists and can take years to get into. The ones I've looked into in my area also have a no pets/service animals policy. So they may work for some yet not for others.