Oh, I've been here. My YSS did all of the above. I finally kicked him out of our home permanently. I'm not going to suggest what you should do, because what goes on in your home is not a total picture to me. I can tell you how it went at our home.

My YSS was 15 when I met DH. He did all of the above. He wrecked both BM and our vehicles, he would drink and drive, he would lie, he would vandalize other people's property, he used drugs, steal from us, write hot checks; he even used family members identification and there were bench warrants out on other family members, on and on...My YSS was in and out of the Judicial system until he was 18; then he went to jail as an adult. One day, he stood before a Judge that sentenced him to 30 years in State Prison, because the Judge was tired of seeing YSS in his court room. YSS54 (now) spent 15 years and is now out for the past two years. He seems to be doing ok, holding down a job etc. DH says he's doubtful he will change.

What I did: I stayed out of it and let my DH handle it, even though it was a long drawn out few years. I figured everything was insured and I took care of my own business. When you step back and let it happen, it happens faster. When you get tired of it all, you know what to do. In my case, I resorted to putting my foot down; since I would NOT hesitate to call Law Enforcement. Ask my DH about my calling Law Enforcement and obtaining court orders???? I have flushed my home out and made a peaceful place. I do not interfere outside my own home and well being, but I do not allow it to happen in my space. I NEVER give DH advice or talk about it to DH; I just listen, when he needs to talk.

I'm very sorry for what you are going through, but you have to take charge of your own life. Tough love will surprise you. Your DW will probably stick with you, maybe not. But you are at the point, you need to make peace for yourself.

Sorry I can't give you better advice, it's touch!

It looks like you have covered many of the bases. I know you don't want to hear "leave", but it may help for you to break this down:

You don't want to leave your wife.

You want your SS to leave the house.

He is an adult, he needs his own place to live.

To get your way, you can make him leave.

If he leaves, your wife may choose to leave as well.

You can leave the home as this is in your control.

You can stay and be very unhappy.

Again, you can only control yourself. If you feel that you cant live with this another day, then you need to tell your wife what it is that you expect or what you want to happen. I don't get the impression from your post that there is adequate communication between you and her as to this subject.

He stole money and the band aid was new locks. SS has no consequences and, if your description of the situation is correct, he has protection from consequences by his mother. Everyone has to choose what they want. I know you want peace but if your wife isn't with you, then she's with SS, and may not be a part of your picture of peace if she cannot support having a healthy home life with you.

I can't say it better than Gimlet did. But your wife needs to stop protecting her son. Sure, she is afraid for him. But protecting him (from what, himself?) is not helping him. He needs to his his "bottom" and every addict's bottom is different. But before he will acknowledge he needs help, he needs to feel that pain of being at his lowest.

I have found that the community of recovering addicts is a truly giving and generous community when it comes to helping others through addiction issues. My SS is about 3 years clean, and he put his dad (my DH) through hell. Like your wife, my DH wanted to protect him. All that did was prolong the addiction and drain our bank account. Finally when SS was kicked out of the place he was living because of his drug use, he ended up on the street. DH couldn't stand it and paid for a night in a hotel so SS could find somewhere to land. Day 2, no solution so another night in the hotel with tv, movies, free breakfast, hot shower. Day 3, no solution and another night in the hotel. Day 4, same, except that I said no more money. DH was frantic, but he knew I was right. Miraculously, SS found a place to stay that day.

Find Al-Anon or a counselor familiar with addiction. This is for your wife, but you would benefit as well so you can support her. She will feel like she's abandoning her son and it will be awful for her, but that's the only solution. Other than prison or a funeral.

Gimlet nailed it, sir. I have a destitute brother in his sixties, a dry drunk who lived off my impoverished mother until her death. Then there's my sisinlaw, the IV drug addict who was enmeshed with her enabling daaaddee until his death. In her fifties, she literally doesn't know how to take care of herself and lives in an adult care home. THIS is what enabling creates.

Your wife is sick WITH her son, so you might consider ways to educate her about the disease of addiction and codependency.

Will she agree to couples counselling? Speaking with an addiction specialist? Hearing the ugly facts from an unbiased expert might help, since spouses often reject what their spouses have to say.

Helping another human without enabling them is complicated, and no one can save another human being; they can only save themselves. All you can do is educate yourself, try to get your wife help and education, and accept that at some point you may only be able to save you.

Have you considered getting your own place and dating your wife? It would at least protect you while she figures it out and helps you restore some sanity if she won’t?

Hugs! This is a horrible situation that puts everyone involved with your SS in danger.

So, don't call the police. Go to the police station and speak directly with a detective and set up your SS for a long stay in Prison!!! Do it on the QT and keep your mouth shut about it. Never forget that loose lips sink ships.

Once he is incarcerated you can then work with the proper authorities to keep him there, get his child benefits, and do what you can to keep him out of the overall picture as thoroughly and for as long as possible.

No need to fight with your DW about it, no need to "call" the police causing direct drama in your marriage and the situation. Better to go the under the table route which will likely be much more effective.

You cant fix this tragic waste of procreation and you can't fix your wife's failed parenting. But you can deal with the problem and mitigate much of it.

Just my thoughts of course.

Shhhhhhhh!!! Be vewy, vewy qwuietttt!

Good luck and take care of you.

*shock*

OP, I've been in much the same place you are with my wife's youngest son. In my opinion, you are going to have to draw your line in the sand. I got to the point that I simply couldn't fathom living with my youngest SS's chaos anymore. He has many of the same traits your SS has. My wife has enabled him and rescued him from consequences most of his life. He also uses suicide threats to manipulate her into giving in to him. He dropped out of high school, uses drugs, gets violent, and is basically an all-around jackass. He's also 19.

What I started to realize, and I see the same thing in the way you describe your situation, is that my wife was giving her son all kinds of excuses for his behavior, and I was giving my wife all kinds of excuses for hers. My wife was enabling her son, and I was enabling my wife. I really needed my wife to take a tougher stance with her son, but I also needed to take a tougher stance with my wife. Things eventually got so bad with her son that I had no other choice. I told her that I do not want her son in the house, at all. After his latest tirade at me, I no longer want anything to do with him. I told my wife that if me parting ways with her son is a dealbreaker for her, then I want to know that sooner rather than later. If protecting myself and my kids from the situation her son creates in our home means that I have to leave our marriage, then that's what it means. I told her that I am supportive of her relationship with her son, but it needs to happen somewhere else. If those terms aren't acceptable to her, then we need to figure out how we're going to end things and move on. I wasn't kidding. I meant it, and was ready to leave.

My wife finally saw that light. I wasn't making her choose between me and her son. I was being forced to save myself and kids from being potential casualties of her son's behavior. She finally realized that her marriage was at risk, and I was very close to walking out the door. Things are better since then. Her son doesn't come in the house. My wife spends time with him somewhere else. I've completely disengaged from him, and don't get in the middle of their situation anymore. I told my wife that none of my paycheck is going to be used for her son's expenses. If that's what is expected to happen, then she'll have to cover those expenses herself.

I'd expect a full court press from your SS to get back into the house, and the same kind of pressure from your wife to rescue him again. You can't control their behavior, but you can control yours. If you've truly had enough of the chaos that your SS creates in your home, then you're going to have to step up and insist that it stop, even in that means removing yourself from the situation entirely.

I say this with utmost respect, but I think you're going to have to get your head into the space that leaving is a better solution than staying in the situation you're in. Be frank and honest with your wife about that. She may be so enmeshed with her son that losing you is a sacrifice she's willing to make. If that's the case, then you know where you stand and how your life will be if you stay with her. In my opinion, you're going to have to take a hard stance.

Omg...you are awesome to even imstall locks instead of kicking his punk ass out
Geez...your wife needs to understand she is enabling abuse by continually bailing him out

Sometimes the best way to support our spouse is to take control and not let go(you go to that judge and let he/she know about all u wrote here-yes he is a man and this will go to his character- he is asking for jail by his actions not by yours)

See a lawyer about your rights in regards to: where he lives, restraining order to bar him from your home(robbery as result of his activity), visitation rights with grandbaby for you and wife,

My little heart leapt with joy when I read he was going to FLA...how disappointing that u still have to deal with this

Each situation is different as each marriage is different but this is my advice

I say kick him out of the house and if your wife objects then you might consider divorce. Im being serious here. I know its not easy. 19 is an adult so your wife is no longer responsible for him legally or financially. If you kick him out he will be forced to get his life together and it will save your marriage. You are enabling him by allowing him to live there. I say kick him out and save your marriage.

I hope your SS does get jail time. But sooner or later he will be released. The LAST thing he needs is to go back into the same environment of no rules, no consequences. I hope your wife can see that. He needs to start working on a housing strategy NOW so that he is released with a plan and doesn't just show up on your doorstep.

There is no way your wife can "help him change." He has to do it on his own, perhaps with the help of addiction or other counseling. But your wife needs to stay OUT of it. She might need help understanding how her role of rescuing him time and time again needs to stop.

At this point for DW to do anything; she has already failed as a parent during toddlerhood by coddling Seth,  no doubt.  As a woman and a single mother, I cannot understand for the life of me how it is beneficial to hobble a child into entitlement.  I was very strict with my children as a single mom and they have both grown into productive adults citizens that have never been in trouble with the law they are in their thirties now.  

However I see the exact same behavior in my SO's (Chef) ex-shrew, the Girhippo.  Unbelievably piss poor parenting and is raising a pack (3) of the most useless, trouble making snowflakes that I would be embarrassed to have my last name if I were a man.  

I don't know how her current husband can stand it-- he just sits by the wayside, forks out money and keeps silent to the domineering Girhippo.

 And frankly if I were a man, that would not be a desirable trait to me at all in a woman who has abdicated her parental responsibility and failed to train her own child.  

In my case I had no idea Chef was such a guilty Disney parent and it was disgusting and pathetic to me.  I lost boatloads of respect for him while watching him treat his kids like mini spouses.

The problem is not Seth, the problem is your wife. JMO

The only suggestion I have in a addition to the advice you have already gotten. Is to start taking your wife to ALANON meetings so she can be with other family members learning how to deal with thier loved ones addiction.

Your wife is an enabler. Seth will only get clean if he wants to, and he may never want to. Normally it takes rock bottom for an addict to even consider it - jail, house arrest, etc wont shake him. My BS is a recovering addict. Sending him away from me was the hardest thing I ever did, so I don't write this lightly. Your SS and wife aren't leaving you many options. Either Seth sobers up and checks into a rehab on his own, your wife gives him the boot and puts her trust in a power greater than she, or you leave. Not a nice picture. Even if Seth checked himself into rehab tomorrow it's a long road with lots of hills and valleys. If your wife boots him - now with the house arrest she would need to petition the courts to get him out - she will be racked with guilt that will put additional strains on your relationship. If you leave you lose a woman you love. 

I'm a praying girl, so my pecking order is God, spouse, everything else. I expect the same from my DH. Sometimes I have to remind him of that order. And as for adult children, because we come first, we have to agree on everything. No one moves back home unless we both are ok with it. No loaning money unless we are both ok with it. and the list goes on...

Good luck.