Why would standing up for yourself diminish you in his eyes? If he is the one being so insensitive to you by calling his ex 'mom' when he knows how much having a child of your own means to you I think you are not that high up in his estimation to start with.
You need to restore your self-esteem and your self respect right now!
You do not deserve to be spoken to so rudely by your skids and he needs to start putting you first. It is that simple. How you go about telling him of your feelings is up to you, but I sense you feel unable to raise it because you are afraid how he will react.It sounds to me as if you have already been ground down. Pick yourself up girl and stay around here- you will get some very good advice on how to deal with this horrible situation that is not of your making.

It sounds strange to me anyway. I say "mom" or "dad" when discussing my mom or dad with my siblings. Even when still married to ex I said "your dad". He is their dad, not mine.

I don’t think you’re being petty at all. If he’s as you described, he most likely doesn’t realize he’s doing that. It took a few years for me to be comfortable and to easily say “your dad” to my kids without saying it in the more familiar way to which I had been accustomed. I think the bigger issue, aside from your desire to be a biological mother, is the way his adult skids treat you. It probably only magnifies for you the way he refers to BM in conversation. You may never be the mother of his biological child but it sure sounds like you’re the queen of his heart!

Maybe you need to practice some disengagement in regards to the skids. I’m working on this myself. My very wise counselor has drilled into me that the way I think leads to the way I feel and then how I react. So when those thoughts pop into your head, stop and examine whether or not they are rational and helpful. Obviously their rude behavior is going to make you feel awful so don’t take any ownership of that - leave it all on them where it belongs. Instead, train yourself to think something like “how awful for them that they have grown into such rude adults.” Then remember that their behavior isn’t a reflection on you at all. It’s strictly a mirror into their souls. If you can keep them at a proper distance mentally, then you will feel so much better. I would even suggest some physical distance, as much as that’s possible, from the skids. And when they’re in your home, remember they are only visitors and try to maintain the proper perspective. You’re most important relationship is with your husband, not them.

On that note, I think you need to have a heart to heart with him. Maybe lead in with something like, “honey, I know this may sound petty, but I want you to know how I’m feeling about this.” Then just calmly tell him how you feel. He will probably have even more respect for you. Shoot, even just venting about it here to people who completely understand where you’re coming from will hopefully make you feel better!

I'm going to be a dissenter here... I don't have an issue with DH referring to BM as Mom in conversations with his kids. Heck, even I refer to her as Mom sometimes. And I know I refer to DD's dad as Dad and Daddy. You need to take that up with Daddy is something I say regularly.

I guess I just think of it as their name to the kids.

If I were in your shoes, if I were to try to address anything, it would be the rude and disrespectful skids, not how DH refers to their mother in conversations with them. I think that given your situation, it's easier to be upset about something small and manageable than about a bigger issue over which you have absolutely no ability to exert control.

My DH says “your Mom” to skid, in reference to BM. I’ve never heard him say “Mom”.

I don’t think you’re being petty at all. It would rub me the wrong way too.

The BM will always be 'Mom' regardless if when talking directly to his child he refers to BM as "Mom" or as "your mom".

It's her 'name'. Just as when he talks to directly to his children and refers to you. You calls you "Tigerlily" . Not 'go ask your SM' , not 'go ask my Tigerlily', but simply your name. Most children whether young or adults call their mother by her first name. But , for example, if BM's name was Cindy, it would still be Dad referring to 'Cindy' and not 'your Cindy'.

This conversation has been brought up here more than once. Not sure you could go back now and read them with any of the threads making sense (due to so many of the threads being incomplete after member purging). I vaguely remember one where the topic was not the DH using Mom vs your mom, but the child when speaking would say "Mom" instead of "my mom"

But the bottomline is it does bother you , so yes, discuss with your DH that it does and tell him exactly why it bothers you. Sure, he might still occasionally slip and 'Mom' will fall out instead of 'your mom' but I think he'll make a genuine effort to be sensitive to your feelings on this. Habits take time to break. And this is what he's doing. Falling into the same pattern of speech when talking to his children that he has used since they were born and very little. While I doubt your Dh looks at this as acting as if Mom and Dad are still a couple merely do to what the BM is referred to as (Mom vs your mom), if it bothers you it is important enough for you to bring the subject up to him.

My guess is the guy has never really thought about it before, but once you speak to him about your feelings he'll truly make an effort to use 'your mom'.

My SD57 says she hates her Mom and never wants to be around her.

Well she calls her "Mom" when talking to DH or anyone else and refers to me as "SM' when talking to anyone in my presence.

My DH always refers to his Ex as "your mom", when visiting with his grown kids; he refers to me by "Sammigirl". I hear the same ole', same ole' past stories of their wonderful life in one sentence and how horrible BM is in another sentence. They are all a bunch of narcissist and love drama.

I have learned to ignore it. I did tell DH I didn't want to hear any of it again, that I had heard enough of the same ole' stories.

I now hardly hear it at all; but they just can't help themselves to gossip about BM and yes, she is referred to as "Mom". It's the least irritation from my SD57, after 38 years.

Ugh.....

This reminds me that Chef, after he was looooonnnng divorced from the Girhippo, called her "his wife."

"My wife and I went to Las Vegas and blah blah blah" This was in conversation to other people with me present.

Took him about a decade to stop doing that.

I'm not officially his wife--we're not legally married--and I wouldn't marry due to his crushing CS burden.

Your sensitivity is justified. Have a talk with DH. Do not say you are being petty. By doing so you diminish your self-worth, imply there is something wrong with you, and take blame for his lack of sensitivity. Explain that under the circumstances, anyone would be sensitive when he refers to his ex as 'Mom' instead of 'your Mom'. Just as you do not refer to your ex as "My Husband".

Meh - I call Asshat "dad" instead of "your dad." Not a big deal to me. And he IS their dad. And THEY call him dad.

As for Medusa, she is not referenced in our home

You need to speak to him about this for sure, if just because it bothers you. Couples should be able to talk about the hard things. Even if nothing changes, he could show understanding and help reassure you of your place in his life.

I don't think he's doing it to be rude but more just out of habit. Words can mean a lot but changing what we're use to saying can be really hard. I'm assuming he has spent years saying "mom". When he was with her it was "go speak to mom". It's naturally for that to change to "your mom" after the divorce but it's not easy.

In our home we have to make a conscious effort when the kids are around to call BM "your mom" or "their mom." It just feels wrong to say "her name" when referring to her around the kids. When they aren't around there are much less friendly terms we call her by.

I'm down the middle - I understand why it bugs you. But I'm not sure you can expect him to understand it. It's rather peculiar to you and if he's not empathetic, he might see this as a minor thing you're making into a big deal.

I agree with another poster who suggested you address the rude skids and leave this alone. Fight the big battles. I think in time this might seem like a little thing compared to what might come if he doesn't deal with the rude skids.

I think that your sensitivity to one word versus two is directly related to the issue of your not being able to have children.

My gentle advice? Adopt. There are plenty of little bubbas in this world that need a loving mom and dad <3

As for the rest of it...you said you have a wonderful DH. Be happy, enjoy your wonderful DH, forget the skids and go get that bubba you want so much. Enjoy your family.

Sorry I can't help, all I can think of is "Your Mom" jokes. I have been brainwashed by my teen boys!

But yes, he should say "Your Mom" and then you can insert or think: is so _________ ...... This could be a good way to insert some humor and diffuse the annoying situation. I've only heard DH refer to his ex as "Your Mother" when talking w/his sons. I'm sure if he said, "How is mother doing?" It'd raise my eyebrows a bit.

Hugs dear

If this is all you have to ask questions about, count yourself VERY LUCKY!