How do I know what's more important - relationship or kids?
Hi all,
Relatively new here so still trying to work things out but I have a very pressing question.
When 'blending' families - his and 2 kids, mine and my 2 kids and one joint child together - how do you know what's more important - the relationship between him and I or 'the kids'?
It seems that we both put our respective kids first, then our Bub then us.. problem being that whilst the kids are all happy, we seem to be going very different ways. Currently struggling with him relocating back to he closer to his kids (8&9yrs of age) but me and my two (6/10yrs of age) and baby will stay where we currently live. It's so hard to work out a way forward.
Should we be putting our relationship first and just expecting the kids to confirm? Or continue with what we are doing and live seperately for a few years until the kids are older and able to understand things better. Oh I'm lost.
Hi, ShelDan. I know I've
Hi, ShelDan. I know I've been hard on you somewhat. Here is a link for you that may help: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/23/blended-family_n_5871060.html
It is titled: "This Blended Family Doesn’t Live Together And They’re Happier For It."
Thanks for that - sorry Im
Thanks for that - sorry Im still getting accustomed to the forum, but there were some strange posts on my last thread... about my husband going and living with his kids mum (his ex-wife) and all sorts of craziness... that is certainly NOT the case. She has remarried, he has remarried. We are simply tying to work out if he should move back to the area his two kids curly live in (in his OWN place) so that they can go back to doing week about with him and I stay where we are now with my 2 plus the baby. There are NO court orders in place, nor do we think there will be (for his kids - its been that way for past 5 years).
thank you for your link
They may have been confusing
They may have been confusing you with someone else in a similar situation.
Sheldon, I will say
Sheldon, I will say again.....
Your marriage comes first, and bubs.... DH and BM are divorced, this is what happens when you divorce... you do not see the children daily,
Why should his other children benefit while Bubs suffer?
DH works in the current town, why would he move away, economically it does not make sense at all, If he can get a transfer and a better paying job in the old town, then yes maybe he can move back, but then he will return every week-end (Friday after work) to you, without his children,
He will then spend time with you and bubs on week-ends and only see his other children week days.
Or he stays where he is now, and he takes his other children every week-end and not in the week....
I will not sacrifice my marriage to keep children happy, they will grow up and move away and then you are left behind and alone, nope I will work on my marriage, and the kids will have to accept it. Once divorced life change, that's the reality of it all and the sooner children understands this and accept it the better for every one, I truly think DH needs to get these brats into therapy so they can deal with the divorce and not seeing Daddy every day
This:
This: http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/parenting/87930732/Why-your-kids-shoul...
I will copy and paste my
I will copy and paste my response from her other blog (from yesterday when she referred to her SO as her partner. Today she is magically married).
"OP had a baby with a guy that didn't live in the same city as her. While she was in school, unmarried, and already had 2 kids. Those are the facts. That was her choice.
She was thinking about ALL of her kids when she decided not to move. He is thinking about ALL of his kids when deciding to move back. They are on equal footing here so actually this scenario is the most fair:
OP changes her custody agreement and gives 50% custody of her older 2 kids to her ex. She and her SO switch cities they live in every week so they can spend 100% of their time living together and raising their baby and seeing their other kids 50% of the time while not disrupting the lives of their kids and forcing them to change schools. They each see all of their kids the exact same amount of time.
This is of course a far fetched scenario but it's the most equal for all parties."
If OP wanted to put her relationship first she would have up and moved when she got pregnant. 2 years ago she prioritized her kids and her partner prioritized the relationship. Now his 2 kids are suffering and he probably wishes she would now put the relationship first above her kids and move to where he is.
There is no such thing as a
There is no such thing as a BLENDED family. Tossed salad is more like it.
The sooner everyone removes that fairy tale concept out of our vocabulary the quicker it is to see things more realistically. Then work from there.
I think if the kids are
I think if the kids are always coming first, then you should prepare for the marriage to end. The marriage needs to be the primary relationship. You're in a tough spot because you have kids who live in all different places and other parents that come into the mix, but regardless of what you decide about your living situation, you need to find a way to make your marriage a priority.
It's so hard to put a
It's so hard to put a marriage first in a blended family. Every time my DH and I have all the kids we ALWAYS wind up defending our kids over whatever is the current issue. It's so hard to see the topic from any other point of view when it's coming from someone who isn't the parent.
There is absolutely no
There is absolutely no question what takes priority. The adult relationship between equity life partners is the heart of the family, either blended or initial, and nothing ever displaces that relationship as the priority. IMHO of course.
That said.... kids are the top marital responsibility and their care, feeding, and basic well being is a shared goal of the equity life partners.
That foundation is unequivocal, unrivaled, and .... should never be violated.
Equity life partners put each other and their relationship above all else and support each other in the joint and individual pursuit of happiness. Kids do what they are told, when they are told, and are parented by the two equity life partners as equity parents. At least that has worked for us.
rags, this is perfect.
rags, this is perfect.
the adult relationship comes first, just as in an intact family. all of the children including the step children, need to know the prime relationship is between parents. period.
after that everything else will fall into place.
sadly with guilt and all the other factors in remarriage the children get a false inflated notion of their importance. fathers and mothers put their children before the spouse and the children see this.
its the green light for children to abuse the step parent. this happened in my marriage before i knew what was happening. then i had to put a stop to it. it was hard but i eventually disengaged and am better for it.
my family was intact but there was never any doubt in our minds who came first in dads heart or in moms. they loved each other and the kids learned to know their place.
number one reason problems with step kids. the parents GIVE the children power over the spouse. small wonder divorce results.
Thank you for the
Thank you for the responses... I have to clarify a few things however. Mrs Zipper said to give my kids to their dad 50% of the time... ummm thats just not possible. Eldest hasn't been in his care for past 2 years, he actually lives 2hours in the opposite direction and no where near me (thankfully). I left that relationship for the sake of my safety and that of the children. My youngest was only 14 months when I went to live with family. His contact with the children is currently in the court system and is looking very likely for EOW for one child.
I am really just trying to work out a better idea of how to balance the needs of everyone. I feel i get pulled in 100 directions and I won't be able to sustain this. My eldest has suffered through enough, bullied at school to the point schools were changed, has anxiety and is the usual child to be 'blamed' for anything that happens.. and yes Im guilty of this too.
Sugarspice has it right, its a guilt trip we are going through. I don't know how to get to the other side of it thou, I do fear our relationship will crumble as we will only be seeing each other one night on the weekends his kids are at his place (they have both got excessive sports commitments - boy sat and girls sunday) and then we will get the fri/sat the opposite weekend together with baby but due to the changeover being sunday 4pm (this won't change) he would need to be at his place by then every sunday - means leaving here by 1pm with traffic. Id be happy to be down there late on a sunday but still need to factor in getting my kids home and ready for school...
one thing i will say - whilst baby might be stuck in the middle, there is no chance I would ever change having bub! Just means i need to be more creative with my time I guess.