Yeh I hear her talking nonstop to her dad when I’m in another room I honestly don’t know how he listens to it, but I think he switches off! I’ve read up about the mini wife scenario do you think I have some of this goin on? It’s her constant need to be near him constantly hugging trying to tickle him stroke him speak to him like a baby it knocks me sick as she is getting older! And now we have a baby together it’s become worse like she’s excluding me and wants to dress the baby feed her choose her things to play with constantly passing her soother I try and tell her to leave her get thing to develop her hand eye coordination but she takes no notice of me jus blank innocent stare !!

And she will always ask daddy and not me daddy is the baby hungry daddy why is she doing the etc he hasn’t no clue and just nods and watches tv but she looks at me like she’s doing it on purpose. She is a very bright girl and can do no wrong in his eyes but I feel there is other things going on. I have tried to involve her but she goes out her way to exclude me so now I have become disengaged it’s easier but I feel so anxious and physically shaking when she’s around the baby she is in her face like she is desperate for her to love her or something?

Yes my sister has noticed if we go anywhere with her and the boys she does not want to participate in any activities without her dad, I have tried and tried with her in engage get her hobbies etc but her dad now takes her while I take my boys and she loves that it’s like she is in competition with me and the boys with her and dad. My mum has seen it and she has said I need to put a stop to her manipulating my boys, they constantly get told off for upsetting her as dad only sees a girl that’s upset( fake tears) and boys that are carrying on playing. I try and tell her to go play and make friends but feel I have to go easy due to her anxious shy behaviour which is 100% worse in front of dad as if she’s using it as a way she can stay attached to his hip, she won’t she will not leave the baby or dads side! It’s really hard and n starting to loose my shit! I’ve jist had a argument with dh as she has been crying at home telling her biomum she feels sorry for her daddy coz I’m horrible to him!! It’s usually coz I’m so annoyed with the way he behavious when she come it’s like the red carpet is rolled out and she swans in blanking us and the boys I can’t stand it!!! Everyone has to adjust to creep around her in fear of upsetting her and we’ve done it for too long now! I feel like walking away to protect the boys and me, and like you say it will only get worse. I couldn’t imagine her ever havin friends or boyfriend of her own, I’m sure she would happily be tending to my baby with her dad forever if I let her. It’s so twisted and weird!!

The problem with dh is he shows her he’s upset he dramatises it as if he likes the emotional suport from her, making her feel sorry for him,he said she’s a girl girls are like that, I say no she’s a child she shouldn’t be feeling sorry for you over something so small ( ie buying the wrong things from shopping) he will sulk and say I’m true by my best and she takes it all in. She watches every conversion so easily distracted from watever she is doin, she is always in the same room and as soon as we talk she stares at us watching his reaction. Is this fuked up or what?! He is facilitating it and it causing my issues with the way I feel towards him. I love him dearly but I can’t live like this, I dread the visits physical lot shaking before she comes because I know how it’s going to drive me insane till she leaves again. Has anyone any ideas how I can make this stop? Do I speak to her more or disengage? Dh is in denial there is any problem he is hard to talk to, his says oh she’s a girl who misses her dad and while this maybe true it’s not excuse.

googling it as we speak! I tried to talk to him he said I’m twisted and tried to make me feel sorry for her being upset and crying to her Mum, trying to make me feel like it’s my fault! He shouldn’t be allowing her to be part of adult interactions she will literally stand in our bedroom and stare at us, and he doesn’t seem to notice she can be watching us for an hour silently observing is so weird! If my boys did that I would be straight away ushering them to get on with things go play out do something else, it’s nothealthy and I know it’s holding her back. But it’s the baby now which is causing me to really become affected, until baby came along I could just go do my own thing and leave them to it usually he would be on video games / watching tv and she would sit next to him holding his hand pandering to his needs if he makes a cup of tea she has one and she is 8 for gods sake! Her bio Mum shared a bed with her as she was scared at night until 6 months ago, I think maybe her emotional dependence on her daughter also crosses a line. Her bio mon does nothing to foster a normal child/parent healthy relationship. She literally had no interests until I came into the picture, I’ve encouraged dh to help her gain some independence and enjoy some age appropriate activities, but they are short lived he says she just enjoys being with adults. But it’s deeper than that it’s major insecurity I jist don’t know how to make him see or help him change

I understand that but he does go to her house and have a meal with her and bio Mum one evening through the week also, which I think is problematic now as she is confused. As I’ve said she wirites and draws abit her Mum dad and my baby like it’s a family unit. Dad does not even identify this as a problem. We also look after her every school break for the duration 1-2 weeks. Which is difficult as dh at work and I have to a new baby and tripping over her as she will not engage in any activities the boys do. We take her on holidays and she comes to any family events when it’s not our weekend she is included as much as possible. It is worrying me that some of the traits I have read about she has so the thought of it continuing and gettin worse as she gets older scares me. I cannot put on a show for her arrival we should all be treated equally. Which we are not because I have boys dh is much harder on them there is no effort his part until she arrives and then . We’ve got to play happy family’s

Thanku for all your replies. I am going to set some ground rules, ie no access to my bedroom, set times with the baby then scram,no more happy family meals at ex’s house her needs to get over the guilt, he left her being the breadwinner he has guilt issues that need putting away. They are not his responsibility at mums that’s her life to get on with not his problem. Dad is to be equally shared no more running to get the seat next to him /on him. No more exclusive holding hands everywhere as a family that is my dh. No comparing his ‘girls ‘ we are not on equal levels. Evening times not sitting on the couch either side I will not share that is our time., no more imitating me she also does things with baby that she wouldn’t even know, she copies Mum and baby songs that I have made up when I’m not in the room over hear her freaks me out. No more whispering baby talk silly nonsense crying dh needs to take a step back and not be there to baby her. No more sharing adult conversations they take place in another room and no more helping dad with adult jobs she is not an adult and does not need to have to emotional involvement in adult responsibilities. Or think she is on an adult level. So many complex twisted things that have got to be addressed or I’m gone. I told him this all last night and he said he will do anything not to loose me, so we will see! This weekend
She is here so let’s see what happens. I feel liberated that he knows now, and If he can’t handle it then it isn’t going to work and wasn’t the man I fell in love with

Soooo I’ve been away a while. Things are much the same if not a little worse. 

I have researched the mini wife scenario read the book etc and it’s def what we have here. The thing is I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with my feelings towards her.

I have completely disengaged from her which has helped in some ways

My issue is dealing with the overwhelming  aniexty I have. I used to be only anxious while she was here EOW now it’s the lead up to OUR weekend and for the week before she arrives I am anxious tense and snappy as I know what’s to come. it’s making me miserable and know it’s effecting my health. Being a new mum again it’s so hard to deal with it all. I literately cannot stand the girl even the mention of her name I can feel the anxiety setting in

Any tips Squashing the mini wife would be gratefully recieved as I’m struggling ! 

I put a stop to the going to BM for dinner to see princess he now takes her out. I should of done that sooner as looking back allowing that was so messed up!