Bio mom trying to understand
Hello everyone. I found this site on a Google search while looking for articles to help me be more understanding about my wife's situation. I'd like to have some feedback, constructive criticism, whatever you can offer . . . let me have it. I love my wife tremendously and want to be the understanding, empathetic person she needs.
A little background. My ex-husband and I had two daughters and we officially broke up when the two girls were 3 and 5. Our divorce was a long time coming, and after years of feeling resentment towards him I decided it just wasn't fair. We had a fairly amicable divorce (as amicable as they come, at least). He's an understanding man and he knew that I struggled for years. We decided when we split that we were going to seek partners that were understanding about the concept of a "bigger" family, not "broken" family. I think you have this visions of grandeur that you are going to find a partner that loves your children just like a biological parent would, immediately, and that they are going to get along famously with your ex and everyone is going to be happy and peaceful. I admit that I have high expectations of people.
I am going to be as brief as possible here even though there's a lot of background. I met my now wife shortly after the split and we waited months before introducing the kids into the relationship. I know it was tough for her. She has no biological children, didn't particularly want any children, but we fell in love. She has been an AMAZING stepmom. Very involved. She had a lot of experience in her childhood with bad stepmoms and I think she has really tried not to be that stepparent. There were times when she'd break down, telling me how hard it was that she didn't have any time to herself, that she felt unappreciated by the kids, etc. But those breakdowns were few and far between and I think we worked through them well. We have a great relationship with their dad. We have him over for dinner, do activities with all of us, etc. She has been really understanding of that and has even been the one to encourage it, so that the kids see us all as a "unit."
The kids are now 5 and 7. They are . . . challenging, but in the ways of normal 5 and 7 year olds (i.e. incessant bickering). But lately I'm finding she seems really irritable with the kids, just their presence in general. I feel like she "checks out" of family time, opting to do other things like spend time on her phone, or do other things alone; I don't really get her attention until after the kids have gone to bed. I'm starting to feel upset over this, even though I don't necessarily voice it, she senses the tension. I feel like she should WANT to do family things. Like I have this vision of what the family should be doing together, and I want her to want to be a part of it. She has a lot on her plate also. She works and she is pursuing a degree; I am also pursuing a career right now, though we made the joint decision that I would do that full-time while the kids were young so I could take care of all the other ins and outs of maintaining a household (we plan to switch in a couple years). I'm trying my best to be the level-headed optimist, to take care of the household duties so she can do what she needs to do, hoping that it might lead to her wanting to be more involved with "family time." We've bickered over this a little here and there, she expressing that she has a ton on her plate and she's been exhausted, and that I haven't exactly been the most affectionate or understanding person (and I know she's right about that). She's also expressed a teeny tiny bit of jealousy over how much attention I give to the children, that I haven't been showing her lately.
I guess I just don't know how to practice true understanding, because I don't know exactly how she's feeling. I've never been a stepparent. I don't know if my expectations are too high. I just want some help here. What should I be doing? Help me understand!
Speaking as a biological
Speaking as a biological mother of 2 adult daughters, I think that us bio moms have reserves of love and patience that step parents don't have, nor should be expected to have.
There is often an expectation of step parents that they should love and nurture their step children, in a similar way to they way the bios do. It's a totally unrealistic expectation because the step parent can't usually feel about their steps that way.
Even if she encourages it, it is possible that she feels a little excluded when she sees you all together with your exH. What do you need her for? I think you have a picture in your mind of everyone getting on perfectly and being perfect parents and of course there is no such thing.
Accept that people don't always behave or feel generous or loving. Step parenting is HARD and your partner is doing the best she can.
Raising very young children and at the same time working, is hard for anyone - nerves are invariably going to be frayed at times. Maybe she would appreciate some time alone with you without the children?
Hi I agree with everything
Hi I agree with everything Kes wrote. I am a SM and have no children. I really thought being a SM was going to be wonderful. It is not the case. In the beginning I did my best to try and bond and have a relationship with my Ssons. They were receptive because I was giving them things and taking them places. I know that isn't the case with your situation. I have disengaged and now focus on being married. She probably just wants to focus on you, her career and earning her degree.
As a SM, the 2-3 year mark is
As a SM, the 2-3 year mark is where I hit my wall.
Up to that point, I was giving 110% of myself. I orchestrated family time, played games all the time with the boys, made all the meals, kept the house clean, gave up my nights and weekends for DH and the boys. I wanted to be Super SM and get everyone to be friends and work together, etc.
Then I cracked. I was tired. My DH had been showing less affection. My SSs, while they appreciated what I did, showed me zero motherly affection. BM was getting pissy with me. I was missing going out with friends. Basically, I gave up my entire identity to play "Replacement Mom" and was getting nothing in return that recharged my batteries.
If I had to guess, your wife feels the same way. She gives, gives, and gives to maintain a family that broke. She has to be okay with the arrangement you have with your ex, or she loses you. She has to play happy family or she risks losing you. She has to treat the kids like her own or she risks losing you. You have tied your wife's place in your relationship to YOUR children, YOUR ex, and YOUR idea of family. She doesn't get to have a real opinion, because if it differs from yours, you will more than likely walk away.
Now, please don't take that as an attack. You already recognize that you have some extremely high expectations from a spouse. You made a bit of a bonkers decision with your ex that you'd bring in a partner who was going to follow your mutual rules. My guess is that you would not appreciate your wife having similar rules she made with an ex that she expects you to follow.
Also, stepparents can go into relationships with the same rose-colored glasses. They think that the kids will love them, they will love the kids, they can do it all, and they can be a better spouse than the previous one. Rarely, and I do mean rarely, can someone do all of that. It's so physically and psychologically draining to have not just regular relationship expectations on you, but also expectations of parenthood. When you're childless (I am), those parental expectations are HUGE, unknown, and draining.
Here is what you need to realize: once you divorced, you became a single parent. Getting remarried didn't make that go away. Your spouse is there for YOU, not your kids. Being there for the kids in a parental role is a bonus. It sounds like your wife has done a phenomenal job, but helping you raise your kids isn't her responsibility, and it's super unfair to expect it of her. Her responsibility is to you. Your responsibility is to your wife AND your kids. You can't share that responsibility of your kids with her. She can volunteer to assist, but it's totally her call what she can and will help you with.
Find out what she wants and do it to the best you can. If there is a relationship-related area that you need her to step up in that isn't related to the kids, tell her. If she is telling you that she is a tiny bit jealous of your kids, then she is VERY jealous but doesn't feel safe confiding that in you. She risks a lot telling you any problems she has related to your kids or her feelings about them. Unless she is being actually hateful or violent, there is no reason she should feel unsafe talking to you.
If you can't accept her pulling back from your kids, then you need to re-examine the relationship and your expectations. If you feel strongly that the arrangement you made with your ex needs to continue, tell your wife and let her decide if she wishes to leave. However, if you decide to keep that idea in your head, you are going to have a hard time finding a future relationship. Any partner you have is NOT there for your kids. They are there for you. They are not there to make parenting easier. They are there to build a life with you. When you treat your partner as an add-on to your life versus building a life with them, it is very easy for them to walk away - and I wouldn't blame anyone for walking away when they are being treated as an add-on versus an equal partner with equal wants and needs.
Please don't take any of this as an attack. You're learning just as your wife is, and if she posted her side, I'd probably have some equally hard-to-read advice. Step life is hard. Blended families are hard. You may not view your family as "broken", but it is. That doesn't mean it can't be fixed to something that works, but you can't expect to basically exchange spouses and hope your family continues on as if nothing happened. It doesn't work that way, and it isn't fair to expect anyone new to fall in line with that.
Hopefully this gives you a better perspective.
I couldn't agree more with
I couldn't agree more with this. Divorced parents need to realize that they are the parents and anything a stepparent does is for them, not for the kids. I think sometimes bio parents get lost in thinking that everyone in the household should be doing whatever they can to help, support, entertain the kids and that's just not true. I felt very used in my early SM days - and still sometimes feel used - because both DH and BM thought that I should be adding the stepkids to all of my work benefits, that I should use my professional expertise to tutor the children (when other people would be paying me for the same services and when neither parent could be bothered to do even the most basic things to help with education), that I should use my vacation time only for time with the children, that I should spend all my holidays with DH's family because he has children. It creates an extremely unbalanced power dynamic in the relationship when one partner assumes that their needs should take precedence, because their needs include children.
I'm almost three years in - about 1.5 years as an official stepmom - and knowing what I know now, I would have pushed DH further to articulate all the things he thought I should be doing for his children, so we could discuss what reasonable and what unreasonable expectations were. I would also have had us in couples counseling to really break down his assumptions that we would automatically be a "family" once we were married and that our "family" would look and act like the family from his childhood. He still has not let go of his idea of the perfect family. That "family" that he so desperately wanted will never exist and he needs to reset his expectations. Stepfamilies can reach a place where their version of family is happy and satisfying for everyone, but to do that, everyone needs to let go of their expectations and accept the new reality. In my case, DH "expected" a happy nuclear family, SSs expected that they would always come first with their dad no matter what, I expected that my DH and I would have space to build our relationship and that our marriage would be the priority. We're still muddling through the re-centering process.
I feel that its incumbent on the bio parent to be the one who first gives up on these expectations and accepts the fact that they have gotten what they wanted - they still have their children in their lives and they now have a partner who've they've chosen to be in their lives. Therefore, they need to be the one who offer leeway to all other parties - none of whom chose one another. I'm always hearing about how I just need to "adjust" to being a stepmother, but my DH also needs to adjust as well. He can't just expect me to take the empty space in his family and be happy about it, especially since he doesn't expect his children to act as if they are now part of a single nuclear family because he is now married again.
Mapitout nails it. 1. Your
Mapitout nails it.
1. Your SKs are not your children.
2. You are not responsible for overcoming their previous "raising."
3. You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.
4. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
5. You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.
6. You are not responsible for raising your SKs.
7. All the responsibility belongs to your DH.
8. Your DH is not a mother.
9. Your DH is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.
10. Your SKs are not going to turn out the way they would if DH supported you.
and (applies to all of my life/all of your life and everyones life, just not steplife
Personal Bill of Rights- Boundaries posted 3/21/08 2:01pm
1. I HAVE A RIGHT- to all the good times that I have longed for all these years and didnt get.
2. I HAVE A RIGHT- to joy in this life, right here, right now- not just a momentary rush of euphoria but something more substansive.
3. I HAVE A RIGHT-to relax and have fun in a non-alcoholic and non-destructive way.
4. I HAVE A RIGHT- to actively pursue people, places and situations that will help me in achieving a good life.
5. I HAVE A RIGHT- to say NO whenever I feel something is not safe or I am not ready.
6. I HAVE A RIGHT- to not participate in either the active or passive 'crazy-making' behaviors of parents, in-laws, siblings and of others.
7. I HAVE A RIGHT- to take calculated risks and to experiment with new strategies.
8. I HAVE A RIGHT- to change my tune, my strategy, and my funny equations.
9. I HAVE A RIGHT- to 'mess up', to make mistakes, to 'blow it', to disappoint myself and to fall short of the mark.
10. I HAVE A RIGHT- toleave the company of ANYONE who deliberately or inadvertently puts me down, ;ays a guilt trip on me, manipulates or humiliates me, lies to me, or deceives me in any way.
11. I HAVE A RIGHT- to put an end to conversations with people who make me feel put down or humiliated.
12. I HAVE A RIGHT- to ALL my feelings.
13. I HAVE A RIGHT- to trust my feelings, my judgement, my hunches, my intuition.
14. I HAVE A RIGHT- to develop myself as a whole person emotionally, spiritually,mentally, physically and psychologically.
15. I HAVE A RIGHT- to express all my feelings in a non-destructive way and at a safe time and place.
16. I HAVE A RIGHT- to as much time as I need to experiment with this new information and these new ideas and to initiate changes in my life.
17. I HAVE A RIGHT-to a mentally healthy, sane way of existance, though it will deviate in part, or all, from my parents prescribed philosophy of life.
18. I HAVE A RIGHT-to carve out my place in this world.
19, I HAVE A RIGHT- to follow any of the above rights, to live my life the way I want to, and not wait until my friend/family member/spouse gets well, gets happy, seeks help, or admits there is/was a problem.
20. I have a right to feel safe in my own :house: at all times"
OP when you realize all of the above you can move forward IN the relationship or out if you decide. This is your life and you are allowed to live it as abundantly as possible. It does not mean break the law, or abuse anyone.
It is wonderful to finally let go of ropes that bind you.
Thanks MAPIT this is very very true!!!
No one will ever love your
No one will ever love your biological children the way you do. Expecting your wife to feel the same way about your kids is unrealistic. Do you expect your kids to feel the same way about her as they do about you? Probably not. She may grow to have an affection for your children, but it will never be the same love you feel, especially because she will never receive the same love you get from your children. No one is selfless enough to feel unconditional love for kids who oftentimes only offer tolerance.
Your vision of "family" is based off what you thought you would have when your kids were born. You need to let go of that. You will never have the happy, coherent nuclear family you envisioned because there was a break in your nuclear family. That doesn't mean you can't have a happy family, that just means that you have to accept that yours will be different. You need to treat your relationship with your wife the same way you treated your relationship with your ex husband - you need to let it grow on its own without children. That doesn't mean that you and your wife only do things alone without your kids, but that means that you don't just slot your wife into your ready made family, into the spot left vacant by your children's father. Divorced people with children forget that their original relationships did not start off with the need to entertain or cater to children. That puts a huge strain on a relationship, even more so when the relationship is still growing.
Finally, realize that your wife may have really liked her childfree life. Anything she does for or with your kids, she is really doing out of love for you, not because she really wants to hang out with your kids. Show her the same love by allowing her to do child-free things and doing child-free things with her. I think giving yourself some child-free moments to enjoy with your wife will not only allow you to build your relationship with her, but also benefit you, too.
i cant add to what has
i cant add to what has already been posted.
its all excellent advice.
you must give your wife authority over your children in your own home. she is co head of the house hold and must be respected by your children. you must demand this for her and back up what you say.
i can only underscore one piece of advice: never side with your children against your wife. ever. you can discuss things in private with her but never, ever show disagreement in front of the children. if you do you will lose your wife and the marriage will start to fail. guaranteed.
you must have your wifes back one hundred percent or your marriage will be another statistic.
agree with SugarSpice 100%
agree with SugarSpice 100% percent. As someone who is married to a BM with no children of my own, I am now leaving her and one of the biggest reasons is her refusal to stop orbiting around her children, and her refusal to stop siding with them in front of me. I feel like I've been in combat for the last three years and I'm a veteran.
my dh even sides with his
my dh even sides with his children in adult hood. the best way for me to deal with it is disengage and watch them reap the disastrous results of their bad decisions.
any bio parent who sides with his/her children in front of the spouse is indeed looking for a war. the answer for the spouse is to leave.
You're going through what I
You're going through what I went through last year- letting go of the fairy tale and engaging with reality.
Everyone else has already made fabulous points so I'll just say something different, something from my experiences and point of view.
At one point, my husband and I started having serious relationship problems and arguments about the kids. I realized what I was doing was desperately trying to "help" so that I could find my own place in the family. I thought if I could help "fix" certain issues the kids were facing, then I would be a valuable part of the family. My husband viewed my attempts at helping as having disdain for the children and not accepting them for who they were (not that he's totally wrong but he was missing out on my actual intentions).
The more I tried to "help" the more my husband just tried to get me to bond with the kids and love them.
The more he did that, the more I pulled away....because I felt resentful that my attempts at help were being misconstrued, my concerns shrugged off as judgmental or ignorant.
It created a huge barrier between the kids and I. Things only got better when I completely let go of any idea I had in my head about what my family was supposed to be like and what my role in my family is supposed to be.