Advice Needed - BM calls DH to discipline SS over the phone
I'm going to try to sum this up as best I can, so hopefully it makes sense.
SS has no issues at school, scouts, sports, etc. When talking to teachers they say he's the group leader, always the first to offer to help, always paying attention.
At our house, SS is your average 8yo boy. He hates chores, bathing, bedtime, etc. has normal tantrums when asked to do so but eventually does them because DH does not budge not matter how big the tears are. Having said that - once the chores are done DH plays a lot of catch, basketball, etc. with SS as long as he has good behavior (aka spoiling). We don't have any children together so SS is the only child in our household.
At BM's house SS is very defiant - tells her and his Step-Dad (Doofus) NO! when asked to do things. Says he hates them, wants to live with dad. To my understanding argues about everything with them. BM says he's so disrespectful - needs to go to "boot camp" the list goes on an on. 3 kids (15yo 8yo 3yo) total in her household.
Of course SS's bad behavior at her house is all DH's fault because he "spoils" SS. (Note - her older son went through the same problems (no problems at school or dad's, horrible for mom) and his dad was to blame too).
SS has now been to two different counselors for this "behavior problem". BM was certain he had ADHD! Both counselors came back and said the same thing - it's environmental/situational. Recommended family counseling for BM's household. BM never follows through.
So here's the issue I need advice on.....
I think it is 100% unacceptable the way SS talks to and treats BM and Doofus. I hear his complaints (mom doesn't spend any time with me - doofus just yells all the time) it sucks, I wish it was different, I don't know how to fix that, but we still tell him he needs to be respectful and do what is asked of him. But here's the problem...how is DH supposed to fix what's happening at her house?
BM will call him up and say "You need to tell your son that he needs to clean his room, he's disrespecting me and not doing what hes told" and SS has told DH that BM yells at him and says if you don't start listening I'm going to call your dad and have him yell at you. Of course DH never yells at him, he just calmly talks to SS, figures out the problem and proposes a solution and all things are better.
I have completely mixed feelings on this. On one had, I think DH should be involved in teaching his child that certain behaviors are unacceptable and that he needs to be respectful to his mother and all his parents. But on the other hand, I don't think that DH should be the weapon/fear used to get him to behave. Now I know that one of BM's biggest issues is that she breaks. If the kids throw a big enough fit about having to clean their room, she will eventually cave and do it herself so she doesn't have to deal and now that SS is 8 he has figured out all of those buttons and I'm guessing he's typically able to get out of doing a lot knowing that he just needs to fight long enough to break her. DH also feels torn. He wants to help so that SS isn't being constantly yelled at and he wants SS to have a good relationship with his mom and Doofus (even though DH hates Doofus), but he hates having to assess a situation on the fly that he doesn't have all the details on, and a lot of times he doesn't get a chance to get SS's side of things without BM yelling out things in the background. He doesn't want SS to feel that he's being "ganged up on".
Thoughts here? Should he be helping with this? Should he tell her to handle it herself? What's the best thing for SS?
I think your DH is doing what
I think your DH is doing what he can by setting firm boundaries in your house and reminding his child to be respectful toward his mother.
He can't change the environment of the child's home with BM, however. If she's been told that she is doing something that is leading to the behavior and doesn't want to change and has had similar problems with other children who have different fathers, then it's on her.
Perhaps, he should tell BM that he's talked to his son about being respectful and has set firm boundaries for him (that he follows) in your home, but he will not play the bad cop for things happening in her home. Your DH is noble in wanting to help his son, but shouldn't be willing to take on BM's dysfunction.
You don't fix her home and
You don't fix her home and you don't try. BM has to learn how to do it herself. Sure your DH can 'tell' him he should be respectful to adults but BM is a parent too. If your DH tries to correct his behavior there A) it won't work in the long run and
it will cause resentment.
BM over here calls complaining about the same kind of stuff. That SO needs to do X because she's tired of the boys behavior. That SO needs to tell the kids to do X because they don't listen to her. Well tough luck it's not that way in our home because the boy knows he wont get away with it.
That's what it is as you've said. You have a child who's learned he can do what he wants with BM. That's her fault and she has to fix it which most likely she wont because she doesn't want to be the bad guy, do the work, it's easier to blame others / medicate the kid.
Do not ruin the good environment and relationship he has with his father / your guys joint home trying to fix BM because again it wont work.
He needs to stop taking her
He needs to stop taking her calls regarding this matter. Let it go to voice mail. Ignore the text. Inform BM he will not do this anymore. She needs to do family counseling as recommended. Or send the boy to live with dad full time if she is not willing to do the parenting work.
He can still be in contact with SS while at BM's but not as the phone in discipline method.
How is this affecting your time with DH? Disruptive? Put an end to it.
Your dh is letting his Ex
Your dh is letting his Ex make him the bad guy. He in SS eyes is the one always telling him off whether he at dad's or his mums.
Your DH needs to tell his Ex that issues between her and SS at her home are just that and she needs to find a way to deal with it.
It will ruin SS and DH relationship.
BM used to call DH for the
BM used to call DH for the same thing regarding SD. Heck, SD is 26 and BM STILL calls and texts DH when there is a fight between BM and DH.
I never particularly liked it that BM would need DH to discipline SD. DH would occasionally go to BM's house just to have a "chat" with SD regarding her behavior.
I come from an intact family, and I remember my mother telling me that she didn't believe it to be right when a mother (my mom was a sahm) would say "Just wait til your father gets home!" when it came to punishment. She believed whoever was there had to handle discipline at the time. I kind of feel the same way in these situations. I felt BM should have handled her daughter in her own home. I don't really see how someone who doesn't live there is supposed to help. I also think that BM in our case uses DH for emotional support with SD, but that's really a separate issue.
I don't agree with it and I don't understand it. I can't say for certain what I would do if DH and I were to split up, but I'm very confident I would not contact DH to discipline our children in my home.
I guess my first thought is
I guess my first thought is why doesn't your SS live with his dad? The boy has expressed that he would prefer it. Your DH seems to handle him fine without all that therapy. His mother has made it clear she has a hard time dealing with him.
My DH's EX called a few times when she was at her wits end with her girls. My DH was like your DH a bit better to diffuse a situation. I never really had an issue with it and when the girls were with me I would always encourage them to be more cooperative with their mother. (she was a hot/cold person.. fine and no worries then off the handle over small stuff). I used to counsel them that they were living in their mother's BF's home and that it was a matter of respect towards him to put a roof over their heads that they should keep things neat and clean. To this day, they both are only "fair" housekeepers. Their mother never really modeled the good behavior herself. We always insisted on made beds, but when kids are living out of suitcases, it can be tough.
My thought is that even when the kid is at mom's, your DH is still his father. If both parents need to be involved in a discipline issue, that can take place even when the kid is with her. Should she be able to handle things better? Maybe, but I don't think it's the end of the world for your DH to get on the phone and help get the kid's head on straight.
Because it makes him the bad
Because it makes him the bad guy even when the child is with their mother. It's a for of PAS. It means that BM never has to say no or be a parent.
OP isn't talking about a one off. There's a mother who doesn't know how to discipline. Who makes excuses and blames others. Wants to put the kid on medication. All of this because she can't be an adult and in charge of her child.
DH CAN'T control her home and it only create negativity in his relationship with his child to try and do so. Having DH parent over the phone is effectively useless. What's he going to do if the kid says no? Is he going to wait and punish the child when he's home with him?
UPDATE! They had mediation
UPDATE!
They had mediation yesterday and the topic of DH being "responsible" for SS's behavior and DH needing to better discipline SS when he's at BM's came up and I guess the mediator jumped in and was like wait a minute.
BM would you consider your home a safe environment? In SS's best interest to be with you? and a bunch of questions like that which of course she answered yes to. Then the mediator said, if that's all true then under NO circumstance is DH responsible for discipline at your house and you need to learn to handle these things on your own because if this were in front of a judge right now, they might be considering whether or not it's in SS's best interest to be at your house if you are unable to control him.
I think that was really good for DH to hear (BM I'm sure heard nothing) but at least DH got verbal confirmation from a neutral party that he's not being a bad parent for declining those situations. We talked last night and he agreed that he's not going to allow it anymore. Clearly it's not helping anyways.
Thanks everyone!!
I have a feeling that BM is
I have a feeling that BM is not good at enforcing consistent discipline with your SS, which is why he won't listen to BM. We have that exact same problem in my household except my DW is the biological mother of my SD and refuses to enforce boundaries. SD is fine with her BD, she's fine when it's just me and is an absolute terror when DW is around because of the inconsistent discipline and lack of structure. You're in a good situation with your DH. Give him some love and tell him to keep up the good work!
I have a feeling that BM is
I have a feeling that BM is not good at enforcing consistent discipline with your SS, which is why he won't listen to BM. We have that exact same problem in my household except my DW is the biological mother of my SD and refuses to enforce boundaries. SD is fine with her BD, she's fine when it's just me and is an absolute terror when DW is around because of the inconsistent discipline and lack of structure. You're in a good situation with your DH. Give him some love and tell him to keep up the good work!