New Forum Poster, Old Problems
I'll try to make a long story short. My DH pays extra cash on top of CS, pays for BM phone and refuses to pay for mine or even add me to the plan and let me pay my portion (BM blocks his number and only responds to texts at her leisure), refuses to help me pay "my debt" because "our debt" isn't a thing, refuses to have a joint bank account (apparently because of me-he doesn't want "permission" to use "his" own money), and basically lets BM walk all over him despite having originally been told he could have full-custody of the kids (by the judge!). He treats my DS well most of the time, but there is a clear line that it is still "my kid vs his kids", he even yelled at me once (for saying dammit while outside a little louder than I meant to-kids were not near me) that "you can swear in front of your kid but NOT in front of mine!" and he gets me gifts like an adult coloring book for our anniversary. Am I wrong in wondering what I've gotten myself into? He is still taking care of BM despite denying it no matter how terrible she is to him. I don't need help paying for my own bills but it's the principle of the whole situation. He literally gets pissed off at me when I tell him that he should require her to answer every phone call and text message of his if he's paying for her phone. I don't even ask that he straight up cut it off or even add me onto his phone plan. I'm his wife, I should be on his phone plan for one, and for two, don't I have a right to these decisions? I get the CS, I have no problem with that or with what he's required to do per his PP. I love his kids because they're my kids now, too. And that's how I treat them. But I'm not ok with how he continues to let BM treat him like he's still committed to HER rather than to the kids. Am I the only one who's going through this? Am I crazy for feeling like I'm not being treated like a wife should be? I feel so alone in all this.
Does the name Gunner mean
Does the name Gunner mean anything to you?
I was going to ask the same
}:) I was going to ask the same thing! I had been on the fence about Gunner being a troll now I know he is!
Is this all new or has it
Is this all new or has it been going on for awhile?
On my end BM would call for him to come over and fix this or fix that "because it is for the children". She always used "it is for the children" to get him running.
The dishwasher broke, the ac broke, whatever.
After a while that calmed down.
He paid a hefty child support payment and she always had the skids asking for additional money. He was working two jobs just to be able to pay rent and utilities. He had no car of his own, just a company work truck. He couldn't afford it.
He took out loans, maxed out credit cards when the kids called for this or that.
In the meantime she was getting her nails done, her hair done, dressed to the nines.
The kids looked like rag a muffins.
She was all about herself.
Fast forward 14 years. All of the loans and credit cards were finally paid off and the kids have been out of school for years.
DH is still handing out money that he doesn't have when they call.
BM every once in a while calls him or texts him. Sometimes about the skids other times to take a walk down memory lane with him. I am sure her new husband would appreciate that if he knew. Apparently drunk phone calls to your ex husband can be explained away. I will say to him that your kids are all in their 20's there is no reason that she should be calling you. They should call you not her. Unreal!
We have separate bank accounts. I have full access to his account. He has no access to mine. I pay all of the bills from his account and I transfer my share into his account. He is horrible with money.
There is no way that your husband should be paying for his ex wife's phone bill.
I am thinking that she got him to do it by saying it was the only means he had to reach the skids.
His ex would really do stuff to get him angry he would calm down, things would quiet down and then here she would come again for something.
I would be upset because of how much support he was paying and that she should have been putting money aside for this or that but never did, waited until the last minute and would have the kids call for money, money, money. Ugh.
Seriously I wish I would have kept a journal.
I would tell him that she is an ex for a reason and other than text communication about the children there should be no communication. He should no longer be supporting her financially.
As far as your finances and his finances he may have been burnt doing that before and that is why he wants to keep it separate. I actually understand that. Or it could be the fights over money spent that could possibly happen and may have happened to him before that he wants to avoid.
We all come with some kind of baggage.
Sometimes you just have to be a strong independent woman and don't let this BS get you down. Determine what is important in your life to fight for and what really isn't important just blog about it. What may seem a big thing now may not be a big thing next week, next month or next year. I personally hate confrontation and drama. Your skids are lucky that you love them. I never felt that way about mine. Wish I had but they were so mean and cruel to my daughter and caused so much stress in our lives it was hard to even like them let alone love them.
Did you know that he does all
Did you know that he does all of this for BM when you married him? Did you not discuss who would pay for what and whether accounts would be joint or separate, before getting married?
I've been with my husband for almost 21 years and we do not have one joint account and we like it that way. If we buy stuff together or for the house, we both pay for it. If I buy a car for myself, I pay for it. If he buys a car for himself, he pays for it. Neither of us feel like we are mooching off of the other.
I would not have even dated him if he was still supporting BM, I certainly wouldn't have married him. That basically would have been saying that I was okay with it.
Seems he wants to keep BM
Seems he wants to keep BM happy so he should be sleeping with her- not you.
Maybe he's not so great in
Maybe he's not so great in the sack.
She's still his wife, you're
She's still his wife, you're just the one that permits him to sleep with you. You need to kick him to the curb.
You aren't crazy. Your SO is
You aren't crazy. Your SO is an asshole and you should run for the hills. There's just too much mentality wrong with this picture that you can't fix. Evidently you're not his wife, she is.
Why would your husband have
Why would your husband have to pay your debits and add you to his bank account? Support yourself and don't rely on a man. Keeping finances seperate is the best thing you can do in a blended family!
Just about the money part, I
Just about the money part, I think he is totally right to not feel any obligation to pay off your debts or to share finances with you. This is a second marriage where you each have your own obligations, so the dynamic has to be this way, or one party will end up supporting obligations that are not their own.
The fact he still pays the ex's phone bill is weird although he may be convinced he is "doing it for the kids". Plus he gets to,see all her phone records, so he will know when she is dating someone new? Sounds like he does need to back off, but telling him to do it will get you nowhere. He likely thinks it's none of your biz.
I don't see why a DH needs to pay any wife's phone bill in this day and age. It's not like the bills are huge, and if they are, then somethimg is dead wrong with the data usage.
Having said this, he still sounds like a fairly ill-mannered neanderthal. If he truly wants to be financially independent, then stop paying the bills and let him handle the paperwork.
She didn't say she wanted him
She didn't say she wanted him to pay it...just that she wanted to be on his plan. She mentioned he's totally paying for his ex's phone while not even being willing to combine phone plans with her...I think that's weird and this guy has something to hide.
In general the cost of having two people on one plan is far less than having two individual plans...so there's that. With most phone companies, it's $40-$50 just for access on an individual plan, plus paying for texts and data, which is usually "unlimited" -- paying for "unlimited" data twice when you're married really makes no financial sense at all.
If DH and I were on separate plans, it would be at least $50 each for access, then about $40-50 each for unlimited talk, text, and data on each line...so we'd be paying close to $200 or more with taxes and fees. Instead, we just pay that talk, text, and data fee ONCE for both of us, and the second line has to pay $20 for access plus a few fees. I just looked at our bill, and all the data talk and text plan is under my number...and that's $131.38. Under DH's number, paying just for access plus fees and taxes, it's $21.76. So we pay just over $150 by being on the same plan were we'd have to pay just over $260 if we had separate plans. It's a savings for both of us, and I don't understand why a married couple wouldn't take advantage of that unless one of them had something they were trying to hide.
Bullying? I think that's a
Bullying? I think that's a stretch. Bullying usually requires a power imbalance, or at least the intention to intimidate or harrass someone. TwoOfUs gave her opinion and her reasoning behind her opinion.
Maybe not nice, since her opinion was not flattering, and maybe her reasoning isn't one everyone would follow themselves, but I didn't see any attempt to intimidate or harrass (or ridicule etc) anyone.
Indeed, a little common sense and courtesy would go a long way on the internet.
I disagree. Labelling and
I disagree. Labelling and excluding are not pleasant, and also not intimidation. If you and I are both at a party, and I tell you, "I don't talk to so-and-so because she's a harlot," there are a lot of things you can call me, but a bully isn't one of them.
I might not agree with a claim someone makes, especially if I see it as disruptive rather than helpful, but that doesn't make it harassment nor the claimee a bully.
I tend to disagree, too,
I tend to disagree, too, though I can also see where Heaven is coming from. Honestly, I saw it as calling out a bully more than anything. I would do the same if there were a new girl at school and I knew a certain person was known for picking on the new girl.
Of course, I would do that in private, so perhaps I should have PM'd the OP. But, seriously. Numerous people have called out this and other bullies/trolls and they don't seem to be going anywhere, even though they have nothing to add...so I don't think that I should have to worry too much about hurting the feelings of the purposefully hurtful.
But it's not bullying to join
But it's not bullying to join a forum where you literally have nothing to add or gain from being a member and then go around lecturing the other forum members on their life choices? OK.
I appreciate your honesty, of course, but I think you're missing the point here. I think what drives people away from the site are posters who, with nothing at stake themselves, come here and instantly judge first-time posters regarding situations that they've never been in or encountered.
PS - Encountering a step situation for the first time ever describes me to a T and is what drove me to this site. I grew up with two married parents, married grandparents...and like one divorce among 8 kids on my mom's side and 6 on my dad's...a very close-knit, loyal family...and no one understood at all what I was going through. I guess I feel like I'm looking out for other newbies like me who come here honestly looking for advice, only to be told it's all their fault and every life choice they made was wrong so what should they expect. How is that helpful? More importantly, how is it NOT bullying behavior? As I said...that's the perspective they get everywhere else, and I don't think they should have to get it here. I know that if I had come here and been lectured like that on my first post...or told that I was insane and evil and just being totally selfish (which is what I see happening to new posters A LOT on here now) I would not have come back or been open to some of the very good and helpful advice I've gotten.
LOLOLOL DONE
LOLOLOL
DONE
I appreciate your perspective
I appreciate your perspective and can understand where you're coming from, but I guess I tend to disagree. Of course I know that there are far more lurkers and readers than there are users on here...and of course I know that new users have to figure some of this stuff out on their own. I also don't follow anyone around giving warnings...I just happened to see this poster here on this topic as I was commenting myself...think I've mentioned this fact about her twice or three times in total.
I can stop doing it...but I don't see it as bullying. Just being honest where others are not.
This doesn't even sound like
This doesn't even sound like a marriage, more like punishing servitude. You get to pay your own way, work, take care of kids/skids and pay off the marriage debt while he's hiding money and taking care of BM. You're getting the short end of the stick in more ways than one.
This sucks. Sorry you're going through this.
MY 2 cents on this.... You
MY 2 cents on this....
You have separate finances, you pay your bills he pays his bills and BM's lol... nothing to do with you Hon,
stay true to yourself and make sure you have enough to live on and save some money with it.
BM will demand more and more, kids grow older.. the day will come where he will be to cash strapped to go on holiday - then you laugh and say ask BM to take you....
I never would've married this man, cause he did not start supporting BM after the wedding he's done it since the divorce, yet you still did, it's not going to change, either you accept it or you end it.
"My DH pays extra cash on top
"My DH pays extra cash on top of CS, pays for BM phone and refuses to pay for mine or even add me to the plan and let me pay my portion (BM blocks his number and only responds to texts at her leisure)..."
> Question: What do you hope to achieve by being on his phone plan? Could there be any possibility that you'd like to see who he's calling and texting? If you could, would you want to see that? Further, if this would be something you could see, would this possibly be something he'd rather you didn't see?
"...refuses to help me pay "my debt" because "our debt" isn't a thing..."
> Was this disclosed before you got married? My ex wasn't the most up-front with me about debt and spending habits, and I realized that she wanted me to "take care of her." My DW now, has been very up-front, and while there's debt, she says it's hers and she'll handle that. Her spending habits are, umm, "not the same as mine," so we're working on those issues.
"...refuses to have a joint bank account (apparently because of me-he doesn't want "permission" to use "his" own money)..."
> I can fully understand. However, I can also understand how some guys who like to keep secrets, don't want to share accounts because their wives will see how much they make and for what/where they spend money. Ask yourself, is he keeping secrets, or is he just being protective?
"...and basically lets BM walk all over him despite having originally been told he could have full-custody of the kids (by the judge!). He treats my DS well most of the time, but there is a clear line that it is still "my kid vs his kids"..."
> This is pretty typical, I think. Maybe not "normal" or "ideal," but typical.
"...he even yelled at me once (for saying dammit while outside a little louder than I meant to-kids were not near me) that "you can swear in front of your kid but NOT in front of mine!"..."
> Uhh. Was he like this before you married him?
"...and he gets me gifts like an adult coloring book for our anniversary."
Seriously, I don't know what to make of that. How long have you been together, and how long was he divorced from BM?
> Adult... as in adult books adult?
"Am I wrong in wondering what I've gotten myself into?"
> Nope. Shoot, even I am wondering what the two of you were thinking when you got together. Have you read The Five Love Languages? I think you both ought to...
"He is still taking care of BM despite denying it no matter how terrible she is to him. I don't need help paying for my own bills but it's the principle of the whole situation. He literally gets pissed off at me when I tell him that he should require her to answer every phone call and text message of his if he's paying for her phone."
> Well, I will say that AT&T's phone "family packages" make it super-expensive for folks getting a divorce. I pulled my number out of the ex's plan because I didn't want her seeing who I was calling or texting, and that cost quite a bit to me, but saved her only a tiny amount. Those companies sort of have the customer where they want them... I'd recommend you ask him when the next contract renewal comes up, can he change it so she doesn't get a "free" upgrade that will commit her to another 2 years (or whatever his plan stipulates) and just try to go from that angle.
"I don't even ask that he straight up cut it off or even add me onto his phone plan. I'm his wife, I should be on his phone plan for one, and for two, don't I have a right to these decisions?"
> Like I say, the phone companies are a pain... Find out what's up before you start demanding. Tell him you want what's best for everyone, and you'd like to think that he'll appreciate that.
"I get the CS, I have no problem with that or with what he's required to do per his PP."
> Good thing - it's a court order, and you can't change that.
"I love his kids because they're my kids now, too. And that's how I treat them. But I'm not ok with how he continues to let BM treat him like he's still committed to HER rather than to the kids. Am I the only one who's going through this?"
> How long were they married? Which one of them filed, and for what reason? Is she a manipulator, and he can't break free of the logistics? My ex and I practically never speak - and she sure did make a barrier between my kids and me... I know there are worse things than what you're going through, so it might help to really peel the layers back a bit and get to know why he's doing what he's doing. Probably not because he's 100% jerk (you DID marry hem, right?), so maybe a little understanding can go a long way...
"Am I crazy for feeling like I'm not being treated like a wife should be? I feel so alone in all this."
> Yes, you're crazy. Just kidding... really, I think you are missing out on the communications and you both need to read The Five Love Languages to get that communication straightened out between you both, then read The Entitlement Cure together so he'll understand how his Ex is doing him (and by extension, YOU) and learn some new ways to cope. ORRRR, you might consider divorce? No? OK, then get those books! Audiobooks are the best!
Good luck!
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your feedback. I definitely gained some perspective. For one thing, I must say that I can't easily respond to all the comments as I last logged on last month and some comments were quite extensive. We did talk about finances, what we do/are obligated to do in regards to our exes, and future children as well as parenting my DS and the Skids. Prior to getting married, I was told that he only paid child support and we agreed to help each other pay off our debts since they technically became BOTH our debts. Yes, they were incurred before we got married, but like I said-we had agreed to pay them off together. Then when it came down to it, he said "no, no, we ARE paying them off together! We're paying off your debts first because they're smaller, then we'll work on mine". That was verbatim. Then when we talked about it again (because our finances were still separate) he said that yes, he remembers talking about it but that he meant I would pay off my own debt and he would pay off his. He didn't want help and he couldn't afford to help me. He didn't think combining our finances would be a good thing either (and to clarify, I have NEVER said or implied that he had to ASK to spend money but it would be appropriate to discuss making huge expenditures beforehand. Is that really unrealistic of me?). That's why that was an issue for me. The phone, I have literally told him I don't care if I have to pay for my own line, it's the principle of the situation. His entire family (spouses included!) are on that plan except for me. But his ex wife still is. His reason for keeping her on there was because he was trying to make it easier on her to communicate with him regarding the kids. We recently talked about this again because when we originally talked about it, he would just insist he did it solely for the kids, then later admitted he did it to make things easier for BM. It has nothing to do with how difficult it is to remove someone from a phone plan. One of my concerns, aside from the fact that he wouldn't put me on the family plan and remove her, was that she blocks his phone number so when he calls it goes straight to VM and of course she never calls back. If he texts her, she doesn't respond unless she needs something or he threatens to file contempt of court against her. There have been times where we drove and sat waiting for more than 2 hours trying to find her to drop the kids back off to her (again, before I found out she was supposed to have been picking them up herself) because she refused to communicate that she would be late or where we could drop them off to. So why does it make sense to enable her to treat him that way and literally pay for it? The PP states that the receiving parent is responsible for transportation of the Skids yet we (mostly in my car) drive them back to their mom. Again, he finally admitted that he did that to make it easier on her and decided to stop after an incident we had with her recently (that I won't go into detail about). Everything he had originally said he did for the kids, as extra, was in fact to make it easier on BM. He has finally admitted to that while complaining about how horrible and vile she is (not just to him-she told their kids that her mother is evil. The same mother who is the guardian of her son from a previous relationship, who has severe Autism and is a sweetheart BECAUSE of her mother) and keeps saying how he's going to stop making things so easy for her but he doesn't change anything. I get that maybe if I give it time, things may change. And yes, when I originally posted this I was at a breaking point because I didn't really have anyone to talk to that would understand, so please don't just call me stupid or ignorant. As I said before, these were things we HAD talked about, that he later said I misinterpreted somehow after we got married. Since my post, things seemed like they were changing then it went back to the "I just don't have the time" excuse to do anything (i.e. file contempt of court w/ police case proof, take her off the phone plan etc.). Anyway, feel free to respond but I really came for some advice on how to cope or how to see things differently from fellow stepparents and if you are not one (I don't know other than what I read from the responses which is why I say this), or you plan on being rude and unhelpful, you don't have to say anything at all. Thanks all
Lets review. "I'm not ok with
Lets review.
"I'm not ok with how he continues to let BM treat him like he's still committed to HER rather than to the kids."
What the ^$^*#*$&%@&&** are you thinking when you say he should be committed to the kids? He is not married to the kids. He is married to you and his catering to his toxic X brood mare and his toxic spawn should receive nothing but zero tolerance from you IMHO.
The asshole you describe is not someone anyone should be married to IMHO.
Take care of you, boot his ass and get on with your life. Never again settle for a partner that does not make you the only priority. Sure, kids are the top marital responsibility but never do they take priority over the spouse. As for an X.... how does this prick breath with his head that far up his own ass?
Grrrr! This guy chaps my butt!
Move on, take care of you, purge this prick from your life and get him as far as you can away from your own children. They dont need that toxic influence in their lives.
IMHO of course.