My husband and I are in agreement about not allowing him to live with us if he is not trying to support himself. I'm fairly certain BM will be content to let him be a bum in the back bedroom for the rest of his life. She is remarried, and I think it's only because of stepdad that she may be seeing anything in a different light. She has stated that SS not doing things at home "causes problems around here." The wording is very telling to me. It's not a problem for her, it just causes problems with stepdad. So stepdad may disagree with providing for SS as an adult, too. Remains to be seen.

THIS!!!! :
"My ex thought giving my son what he wanted was 'unconditional love' I just called it indulgence, although my son was never aggressive in any way so neither parent was ever 'frightened' of him."

That's exactly what I have witnessed! SS has not been aggressive, either. I don't think that's what she's referring to when she says she is scared. She is scared that he's not going to be normal. SS can actually be a very sweet kid, but sometimes I think it's part of the manipulation that keeps him from having to grow up.

You're very right about it being the parents who need to change. The child is just doing what he's always known. As for my I-told-you-so attitude, you may be right that it doesn't help; but since I had to suck up being told repeatedly that everything I did was out of hatred for that child, I will chance "not helping" in the form of a civil conversation between my husband and I. This was not an argument by any stretch with him.

I am, in fact, a parent--not biologically to this child, but I have raised three of my own, by myself. They have grown to be strong, independent and thriving adults. In the same I-told-you-so conversation, I also told my husband I was far from a perfect parent. There were a lot of things I probably would have done differently if I had to do it over again. But it's so much easier to see those things after the fact. And that's what I tried to get across to my husband. Sometimes you do things out of love that just aren't perceived as love.

SS is definitely stunted, as you put it. He has never, in my opinion, been at the right emotional level for his age, because of all the coddling that went on. A big part of that was his grandmother, who is now dead. I just have a hard time just swallowing it and paying for the insurance just because he doesn't want to adult. I know I'm looking into the future when I say that, but I find it hard to believe this child is going to suddenly become a hard-working adult who takes care of himself when he is so far from that right now. I could be wrong. I'd love for him to prove me wrong. I just don't see it happening. I personally refuse to contribute to anyone who is not doing for themselves. Truth is, he's not handicapped, he's freaking lazy. Eight years of insurance at my current rate (SS is under my plan) would be well over $30,000. DH has free insurance, and I would otherwise pay $20 a month for mine.

The order by the judge was signed before Obamacare was enacted. So my argument would be that it was not the judge's intent to obligate DH to provide insurance until 26; rather what the law was at that time, until the age of majority or through the college years.

I WILL die on that hill! DH and I couldn't make it if it happened, that I know for sure. Fortunately, DH sees it the same way (at least for now, let's hope that doesn't change when SS doesn't sprout those magical wings and fly). We both worked as soon as we were able. My bio-kids were chomping at the bit over the summer, waiting for the day they could get their work permits and go earn their own money. This kid isn't having none of it. But then again, he's never wanted for anything; so why would he??