What is appropriate in this situation? What is your experience? Them or us.
Them = BM & BF seeing the psychologist every other week to discuss SS's(15 yrs old)progress and behaviors regarding his grades, his attitude, his lying, his activity in drugs, and just the ever so present- disciplining difference that occurs between the two households.
OR
Us = BF & me(stepmom) seeing the psychologist everyother week (or even all of us together BM,step-dad- Bf,step-mom) to discuss all of circumstances concerning SS's behaviors.
I ask b/c ss's new psychologist suggested that just dad and mom(only) to meet every other week with him to discuss SS. My husband and his ex do not get along. They have different parenting views especially when it comes to their 15yr old. The tension between my H and his ex-is so sharp sometimes you can cut it with a knife.
Her husband is closer to her son's age that to her age so the step-father takes a laid back/just friends approach to the ss. I on the other hand am very close with my ss. He spends about 35% of the time with us and wants to come live at our home at least 50% of the time (but she does not want him to, at present time) I do not discipline or punish him. That is for his Bio-parents to do. But if he out of line on my watch or does something inappropriate- we talk about it and I let him know what I think. He knows that I love him and would do anything for him. As for me being an adult and him being a young man- We have let him know where those boundaries are and what we expect from him.
Now with that said- I think it is very important for all involved to understand that we(my husband and I and the children)are a family. And that they (ex and her husband and the children) are a family also. It is important to show a united front. That there is no more Mommy(BM) and Daddy(BF) together (which is alot of ss's problems, he is so pissed at them for getting divorced four years ago that he thinks they lost all parenting rights)
Hence this is where I have a problem with this. I was raised in a blended family and I did not like my step-parents involvement at times. But one set of parents remained united (they handled things together when it came to dealing in situations such as this one and dealing with the ex.) To be honest- I did not like it. But I am glad they did because it was another example that I needed to see, that they were strong and supported each other and that they were the core of our family. I think breaking up the new parents and bio-parents is a mistake. It gives the child to much power to see that they can help separate the new parents. Especially if they are really good manipulators (like my step-kids, Hell when I was younger I did it too-talkin about a power trip.)
So tell me, What do you think? What happened in your situation? Do you agree or not?
And yes I know that the most important thing is that he recieves the help he needs. But is this typical?
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I haven't had ....
.... to deal with this yet, but I will say I would not be happy if I was left out. I like the idea were the therapist meets with the BM & the kids, then the Dad & Stepmom with the kids.
Best wishes - Jo
Great question...
I think these professionals need to realize that the child has two sets of families now....and yes, you should be going separately. How can they do therapy together and expect to get positive results with people who aren't even living together any longer?
I know when my drug addcited daughter gets out of jail, they'll probably want them to do family therapy and it's going to be weird. I am not part of this kids life at all nor was I ever so I don't expect to be included YET, I hope my DH and the EX don't go together. The aren't parenting this kid together anymore..She's 20. It just wouldn't make sense....I don't know.
Stages
Initially, I wouldn't have a problem with just the bios meeting to lay the foundation, then gradually adding the steps and any other family members, as needed. Kind of like how it's been going in Caitlin's world. But to exclude the steps for the entire program is a waste of time, in my opinion. They are not dealing with the world in which the child lives, and that world includes step-parents.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Keep-em coming..........Thanks to those who have responded.
I think that what the therapist wants to do is meet with ss every week. Bio-parents (together) every other week and maybe adding the step-parents every fifth or sixth week?
Bonus wife= you said it more clearly than I did. They are not living together any longer therefore why would they be doing therapy together?
Exactly! Yes. That is what I mean.
If anything I think it (bm and bf doing therapy together instead of with their current husband/wife) gives a false ideation to the children. It sends the wrong message. The reality is Mommy,Daddy and kids are no longer the family. The sooner we start living that way even in therapy- the sooner we can progress and start trusting our new families.
Wifi
United We Stand
BM and your DH should have counseling together for all of the reasons that you mentioned in your inital post. They do not get along and they have very different parenting sytles. These two factors alone are the breeding ground for skid problems, ex interferences, etc. Skids have alot of pent up anger-- like being used as pawn between two adults--stuck in the middle. This is their reality. Think of it as you need to clean out the wound so it doesn't get infected and can heal properly and minimizes the scarring. I also believe that the steps should be involved at some point because this is also their reality. But to bring them in too soon will blur the issues.
Persephone, I hear you completely....................
I get what you are saying and I totally agree (to some degree). If they could get along and be civil to each other and not have the tension between them for the kids sake- DAMN that would be great! If they could do that then I am sure they would still be married.
However,
This woman has taken my Husband's name and smeared it through the NY Times, our local paper, her very public blog site. She is very manipulative and vindictive. She has lied about my H and the real reasons for the divorce. She allows her public to bash my H verbally on her blog and She is a smart-ass on a consistant basis to us on the computer and in person.
Now with that said, We have accepted the fact that we can not change this woman or her behaviors-nor do we need to spend some good ole' family counselin' time with her. We have better ways to spend our energy. We are always nice to her. And it is difficult (especially for me). But my H he is a pro. He is really gone beyond any human powers and accepted this woman. He continues to take the higher road when it comes to her.
Normally I would totally agree to the united we stand. But in this situation, I really do not see it happening. I wish it were different.
Wifi
I'm with you
I have a similar situation. We have 50/50. Our Bm is incredibly difficult, irresponsible parenting, still dependant on DH, bad mouths DH to everyone including the skids, lied to the kids about the divorce - to the point it has affected the kids. Me well.. apparantly I am the source of most of her problems and therfore the skids, If I would just go away their life would normal again. WTF... the reality in our situation is that there is sooo much anger left over from the divorce that the skids feel they have to choose one parent over the other. Constant competeing and meddling that the kids can't just be kids.
DH has taken the high road for 10yrs and me for 6. What has it gotten us?? Nowhere and fast. The high raod has allowed Bm and skids to continue their bad behaviors. DH is an a44hole one minute and Bank of America the next. I was going nuts in the process. If a counselor can get the kids to tell their parents to knock it off it may help the healing.
My therapist has said this can be successful and SDs counselor is trying it... sadly, without alot of help from BM (she doesn't need counseling). I went to the therapist initially with DH we had 5 sessions laid out our family life and the issues as we see them, then we pulled in SD and I bowed out. SD has several sessions of her own and then Dh came in. When SD had to 'share' her feelings about him and was faced with the 'truths' she didn't want to go back. She told BM about the truths and NOW BM wants to come to 'straighten' everyone out.
If You Don't Set Strict Boundaries
you will regret it. I'm reading all these and I think the crucial mistake was from the get go for most. The Dh doesn't give bm any out of pocket money, have her at family gatherings, visit at her place or even attend counseling sessions with her. Don't have her in your home, don't allow her to call daily, or even weekly. Actually it amazes me anyone would entertain those notions, but hey each to their own. Maybe misery loves company, but I would stick to the boundaries no matter how little or much you see the child. Once we let bm know the boundaries not a whole lot she could do.
In my experience
In my experience, SD's family therapy is expressly for getting BM and BF to successfully coparent because the parental alienation has gotten so bad from her that it's really affecting SD's mental health. (The parental alienation in addition to BM's crazy behaviors due to her mental illness, that is.) The family therapy is INTENSIVE. The therapists are working with BM and SD twice a week in their home, and with BM and BF once a week, also over at BM's place. Yes, they meet in the HOME, THREE times per week. They're coming to our place tonight for the second time in 2 months or so, so I guess on average once a month with us?
At first I was appalled that the therapists would condone this false sense of reality of BM and BF together, me out of the picture, week after week, just to have hours and hours of BM bashing BF and getting nothing accomplished. I decided to have faith, however, that these therapists know what they're doing and there's a reason they're doing it this way. It's hard to be excluded every week, but eventually the therapists do want to bring EVERYONE together, but they don't want to do it too prematurely because BM is a loose cannon and they don't want to set her off. Like Anne said, it will all come in stages.
I'd also like to reiterate what Persephone said: BM and BF do not get along and they have very different parenting sytles. These two factors alone are the breeding ground for skid problems. I think that about sums up why they need to continue with these sessions. That said, I don't feel very hopeful about a successful outcome for us though. BM is just too nuts and too set on convincing everyone what a horrible father BF is and she just plain refuses to work with him on raising their daughter. We'll complete the 9-month family therapy program however, and perhaps at that point we'll get custody because BM is impossible to rehabilitate (for lack of a better word).
So, I don't know if this helps you at all because each situation is unique and I really don't know what the right thing to do is - in your case or mine, for that matter! For me, I just asked the therapists why they wanted to meet regularly with just BM and BF and I accepted their explanation. Maybe if you ask your SS's psychologist why he wants to do it this way, you'll be better able to either argue your point - or agree with his reasoning. See what he says when you tell him that you think it's a bad idea to give SS the power to split up the new sets of parents and have mom and dad "together". Then just take it from there.