Just stop. SHE was the one that posted stuff publicly. I took it to PM's. You don't know what you're talking about, so let it go. Are you her keeper or something??
Well, it depends on what kind of trust, the overall relationship, and the general pattern of behavior.
Perhaps more details of what's on your ind would help us engage with the question.
If someone takes out a life insurance policy on you without your knowledge, I would likely never trust them again. Some things are giant red flags that spell out "Danger, Will Robinson!"
So it depends on the scale of the provoking incident and the context.
I left it as a very general question because it seemed that getting into the details would just be too difficult to explain, but I guess I can try.
After my FDH and I had been seeing each other for a while,(which was ten years ago), we talked about past relationships and he told me that he had been very much in love with an ex but that she was a mess - mentally. He said that every couple of years she would contact him and they would 'hook up'. He was single at the time.
Last year she began contacting him again through text, email and phone. He said she was messed up - manic- and that he felt bad if he didn't talk with her. I kind of understood because he is a caring person and didn't want to just ignore her if she needed help.
Well, one time he had her on speaker phone and I heard her say that she would love to see him. After they got off the phone I told him no way that I would be comfortable with him meeting up with her, and he said he wouldn't do that. Come to find out, he did. He said she kept calling him saying that she was in the area and had no money for gas to get back to her home state, so he met her at a gas station and filled her car with gas. Come to find out, recently, that he actually took her to lunch too.
A while later she began contacting him again and I told him that she is not his problem and to stop responding to her, that I was uncomfortable with it. He promised he wouldn't. This was about a year ago.
Last week, his cell was ringing and he was in the shower. He had told me before that if he wasn't around I should check and make sure it wasn't his daughter or parents trying to get a hold of him. So I picked it up and it was his ex again - I didn't answer. I checked his texts and emails and found out that he has been communicating with her again. I confronted him and told him that he has now lied to me a number of times and I don't know how I am supposed to trust him anymore. He's trying to defend himself by saying he feels sorry for her because she is so messed up and he was always the one to help her.
He has yet to apologize or acknowledge wrong doing, though I have to admit I have been avoiding him.
OMG, he just came into the room and asked me what my plan was. I was like, what do you mean? He said, are you just going to sit in here all night? I said, I don't know, probably. Then he just left.
I have NEVER had a problem trusting him before. Other than work we are together practically all the time. I just don't know what to do about his lies!
Tell him to feel sorry for himself because his life is about to change.
This is a pattern of deceitful behavior and promises broken involving the sacred pact of monogamy. Her feelings and the thrill he gets from engaging with them are more important to him than his vows to you.
I would say this is huge. I would likely tell him to enjoy his time with her and I wish them the best. Either he will come scrambling back or he will flee toward her in a poof of premium-unleaded vapor.
Either way, you decide what YOU want to do next. Of course, if he does the second thing it will tell you something huge and sad and you won't want to go back.
Sorry you are going through this. I do believe it is very serious.
He swears he doesn't have any more feelings for her other than just as a friend. She lives many states away so there is no opportunity for physical interaction. He says he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else.
I know that he has not responded to her most of the time, but then he breaks down and will give a reply or two because he feels guilty.
He was with her for a short time when they were in their early 20's and they are now in their 50's. The communication has only happened twice now (as far as I know), since we have been together. So, sometimes I feel like I am over-reacting, but the fact that he lied is what bothers me.
1. Met her for lunch.
2. Met her for "fillup."
3. Lied about above -- after breaking promises to you about above.
4. Lied about being in contact with her -- after breaking promises to you.
5. Diminishes shady behavior by making himself the "good" guy (feels too guilty to let her suffer cuz he's a superhero).
6. Throws subtle shade at you for not being more magnanimous to someone in need even though the real issue is his deceitfulness.
7. Claims her need for a tank of gas is more important than your need for honesty, integrity, and trust.
8. Fails to act like a normal spouse and just say, "I can't agree with you. I am going to do this." He could offer to bring you with him or there are any number of other ways he could act with integrity and not trample all over you and his vows.
He does these things for her not because he's a good guy. If he was a good guy he wouldn't lie to his wife and sneak around behind her back with another woman. He does these things for her cuz he likes the feelings it gives him. She is the "one who got away" and at the very least it makes him feel like the big man and that she may regret her past choices/actions (letting him go). Delicious. At worst....it could be, yes, much worse than that. But even in the least interpretation these feelings are more important to him than your feelings are. Your very rational, customary, and expected feelings any spouse would have.
I would be very, very troubled by all of this. If you are not, it is certainly not up to me to get you all worked up about it. But I personally would be on five alarm fire and at the very least would set a very firm boundary with him.
Agree with everything you've said, and I am troubled by it.
He came to me a little earlier and said that he was thinking about everything a lot last night. He said that he was sorry and that he will tell her there is nothing he can do for her and will not be communicating any longer because it is affecting his relationship with me. I know he doesn't want to be with her because she is a mess and has been in trouble with the law a number of times. It's just the fact that he lied, and more than once.
He's never lied to me about anything else in the ten years we've been together, or done anything to hurt me, so I feel I need to give him a chance to prove himself again.
Yes he's probably lied to her about thousands of things, just like the rest of us do all the time. People lie, it's in our nature. Your very presence on this board is a *lie* since you are not really a step parent.
It sounds like your SO likes to be needed so he jumps at the chance to play hero to his ex. Maybe you need to play damsel in distress a bit more to make him feel like your knight in shining armor.
The fact that he still allows her to contact him and he jumps to be w/her when she is in town would be concerning to me.
not telling the truth - well I will always doubt you and even if you do tell the truth, I will still think you are talking crap, e.g taking money from the bond and then try and make it sound that you needed it and I have to find out you gave it to your brother or daughter.... actions from my part - you will never be able to do that again cause your signature will be removed and if you need money you will have to ask me, knowing the answer is NO... I will never trust you with money again.
I total - there's different kinds of things playing a role here and eventually if it was just a small mishap yes it can be forgiven, people make mistakes, but if you keep on breaking the trust.. it will be the end of every thing, I can not live of associate with some one I do not trust.
I had a male buddy who would use me as a strawman when things got too heavy with one of the many women he was juggling. Yes, this guy is a character but he has his good qualities and I never, ever dated him so what did I care. So one day I get this email from him, ccd to some chick, telling me "we" are "over." And he won't be talking to me anymore.
WTF?! What "we?!" And what is it that "we" are "over?" a mountain range, a batting average, a tax bracket?
Not to worry, he'd already sent an email to a different account of mine. This one was not ccd to her. It was warning me the other email was coming and to disregard it.
So these little orchestrations do not offer much insurance.
BTW, he and I are still friends and he is now great friends with my dh. That particular chick and the other ones from that time are long gone. Yes, I have bad taste in friends. But even my dh likes him, what can I do?
Wow, not sure I could've
Wow, not sure I could've forgiven that, let alone trust again.
Did he somehow regain your trust since you stayed with him that long?
I can understand that.
I can understand that.
I am surprised that you
I am surprised that you responded to my post considering you wanted me banned.
Although, I'm mature enough to appreciate your input.
It's funny that you think I
It's funny that you think I should have been banned for that...you don't know the half of it so maybe you need to mind your own business.
Just stop. SHE was the one
Just stop. SHE was the one that posted stuff publicly. I took it to PM's. You don't know what you're talking about, so let it go. Are you her keeper or something??
Well, it depends on what kind
Well, it depends on what kind of trust, the overall relationship, and the general pattern of behavior.
Perhaps more details of what's on your ind would help us engage with the question.
If someone takes out a life insurance policy on you without your knowledge, I would likely never trust them again. Some things are giant red flags that spell out "Danger, Will Robinson!"
So it depends on the scale of the provoking incident and the context.
I left it as a very general
I left it as a very general question because it seemed that getting into the details would just be too difficult to explain, but I guess I can try.
After my FDH and I had been seeing each other for a while,(which was ten years ago), we talked about past relationships and he told me that he had been very much in love with an ex but that she was a mess - mentally. He said that every couple of years she would contact him and they would 'hook up'. He was single at the time.
Last year she began contacting him again through text, email and phone. He said she was messed up - manic- and that he felt bad if he didn't talk with her. I kind of understood because he is a caring person and didn't want to just ignore her if she needed help.
Well, one time he had her on speaker phone and I heard her say that she would love to see him. After they got off the phone I told him no way that I would be comfortable with him meeting up with her, and he said he wouldn't do that. Come to find out, he did. He said she kept calling him saying that she was in the area and had no money for gas to get back to her home state, so he met her at a gas station and filled her car with gas. Come to find out, recently, that he actually took her to lunch too.
A while later she began contacting him again and I told him that she is not his problem and to stop responding to her, that I was uncomfortable with it. He promised he wouldn't. This was about a year ago.
Last week, his cell was ringing and he was in the shower. He had told me before that if he wasn't around I should check and make sure it wasn't his daughter or parents trying to get a hold of him. So I picked it up and it was his ex again - I didn't answer. I checked his texts and emails and found out that he has been communicating with her again. I confronted him and told him that he has now lied to me a number of times and I don't know how I am supposed to trust him anymore. He's trying to defend himself by saying he feels sorry for her because she is so messed up and he was always the one to help her.
He has yet to apologize or acknowledge wrong doing, though I have to admit I have been avoiding him.
OMG, he just came into the room and asked me what my plan was. I was like, what do you mean? He said, are you just going to sit in here all night? I said, I don't know, probably. Then he just left.
I have NEVER had a problem trusting him before. Other than work we are together practically all the time. I just don't know what to do about his lies!
That's the issue - can I
That's the issue - can I trust him again...
Tell him to feel sorry for
Tell him to feel sorry for himself because his life is about to change.
This is a pattern of deceitful behavior and promises broken involving the sacred pact of monogamy. Her feelings and the thrill he gets from engaging with them are more important to him than his vows to you.
I would say this is huge. I would likely tell him to enjoy his time with her and I wish them the best. Either he will come scrambling back or he will flee toward her in a poof of premium-unleaded vapor.
Either way, you decide what YOU want to do next. Of course, if he does the second thing it will tell you something huge and sad and you won't want to go back.
Sorry you are going through this. I do believe it is very serious.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your insight.
He swears he doesn't have any more feelings for her other than just as a friend. She lives many states away so there is no opportunity for physical interaction. He says he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else.
I know that he has not responded to her most of the time, but then he breaks down and will give a reply or two because he feels guilty.
He was with her for a short time when they were in their early 20's and they are now in their 50's. The communication has only happened twice now (as far as I know), since we have been together. So, sometimes I feel like I am over-reacting, but the fact that he lied is what bothers me.
1. Met her for lunch. 2. Met
1. Met her for lunch.
2. Met her for "fillup."
3. Lied about above -- after breaking promises to you about above.
4. Lied about being in contact with her -- after breaking promises to you.
5. Diminishes shady behavior by making himself the "good" guy (feels too guilty to let her suffer cuz he's a superhero).
6. Throws subtle shade at you for not being more magnanimous to someone in need even though the real issue is his deceitfulness.
7. Claims her need for a tank of gas is more important than your need for honesty, integrity, and trust.
8. Fails to act like a normal spouse and just say, "I can't agree with you. I am going to do this." He could offer to bring you with him or there are any number of other ways he could act with integrity and not trample all over you and his vows.
He does these things for her not because he's a good guy. If he was a good guy he wouldn't lie to his wife and sneak around behind her back with another woman. He does these things for her cuz he likes the feelings it gives him. She is the "one who got away" and at the very least it makes him feel like the big man and that she may regret her past choices/actions (letting him go). Delicious. At worst....it could be, yes, much worse than that. But even in the least interpretation these feelings are more important to him than your feelings are. Your very rational, customary, and expected feelings any spouse would have.
I would be very, very troubled by all of this. If you are not, it is certainly not up to me to get you all worked up about it. But I personally would be on five alarm fire and at the very least would set a very firm boundary with him.
Agree with everything you've
Agree with everything you've said, and I am troubled by it.
He came to me a little earlier and said that he was thinking about everything a lot last night. He said that he was sorry and that he will tell her there is nothing he can do for her and will not be communicating any longer because it is affecting his relationship with me. I know he doesn't want to be with her because she is a mess and has been in trouble with the law a number of times. It's just the fact that he lied, and more than once.
He's never lied to me about anything else in the ten years we've been together, or done anything to hurt me, so I feel I need to give him a chance to prove himself again.
Oh, and BTW, we're not married!
That sounds very reasonable.
That sounds very reasonable. I'm glad he did some soul searching and could change his position.
I wish you the best as the two of you move forward.
Appreciate the best wishes!
Appreciate the best wishes!
(No subject)
Really?...gee, that didn't
Really?...gee, that didn't occur to me. Actually, I guess that's why I put 'as far as I know' in parentheses in a post above.
Yes he's probably lied to her
Yes he's probably lied to her about thousands of things, just like the rest of us do all the time. People lie, it's in our nature. Your very presence on this board is a *lie* since you are not really a step parent.
Exactly. He's never lied to
Exactly. He's never lied to me about anything that has negatively affected our relationship, before this.
We'll probably be having a
We'll probably be having a conversation soon, because he's trying to talk to me, I just haven't been ready to listen.
Yep, and thank you.
Yep, and thank you.
It sounds like your SO likes
It sounds like your SO likes to be needed so he jumps at the chance to play hero to his ex. Maybe you need to play damsel in distress a bit more to make him feel like your knight in shining armor.
The fact that he still allows her to contact him and he jumps to be w/her when she is in town would be concerning to me.
He does like to be the
He does like to be the hero.
As far as I know, she was only in town that once in the past ten years.
Thanks very much for your
Thanks very much for your thoughtful reply, it makes a lot of sense.
Depends on what kind of trust
Depends on what kind of trust was broken.......
cheating - forget about it you are history
not telling the truth - well I will always doubt you and even if you do tell the truth, I will still think you are talking crap, e.g taking money from the bond and then try and make it sound that you needed it and I have to find out you gave it to your brother or daughter.... actions from my part - you will never be able to do that again cause your signature will be removed and if you need money you will have to ask me, knowing the answer is NO... I will never trust you with money again.
I total - there's different kinds of things playing a role here and eventually if it was just a small mishap yes it can be forgiven, people make mistakes, but if you keep on breaking the trust.. it will be the end of every thing, I can not live of associate with some one I do not trust.
Thanks Acra. I guess time
Thanks Acra. I guess time will tell.
I'm wondering if it would be too much to have him call her on speaker phone with me there, and tell her that they can no longer communicate...
I wouldn't recommend that. I
I wouldn't recommend that.
I had a male buddy who would use me as a strawman when things got too heavy with one of the many women he was juggling. Yes, this guy is a character but he has his good qualities and I never, ever dated him so what did I care. So one day I get this email from him, ccd to some chick, telling me "we" are "over." And he won't be talking to me anymore.
WTF?! What "we?!" And what is it that "we" are "over?" a mountain range, a batting average, a tax bracket?
Not to worry, he'd already sent an email to a different account of mine. This one was not ccd to her. It was warning me the other email was coming and to disregard it.
So these little orchestrations do not offer much insurance.
BTW, he and I are still friends and he is now great friends with my dh. That particular chick and the other ones from that time are long gone. Yes, I have bad taste in friends. But even my dh likes him, what can I do?
IMHO it depends on the
IMHO it depends on the infraction. Cheating... nope... it shouldn't be recoverable.
Money mismanagement... recoverable with strong oversight and long term trustworthy behaviors.
Crime... nope... not recoverable. Buh-bye.
Prevarication.... it depends. Each incident needs to be assessed on the specific issue and the relative merits or mitigating factors in play.
This is one of those... it depends topics with a huge dollop of YMMV.