Why does she not take him to court for child support and custody. Can she prove that he drinks and is a danger? If you were married you could look into step parent adoption if his rights were terminated.

This, unfortunately, is the baggage that your GF must carry her entire life because she had a child with someone she didn't want to be with and unfortunately, sharing custody with him is a consequence of that. She has to accept that she chose him to father her child, and therefore is connected to him in this lifetime, as we accept that our husbands are connected to someone neither of us may like (and even loathe, in some cases.)

On the bright side, it's difficult to get custody if you've never had it. ESPECIALLY if they were never married. We know from personal experience speaking with an attorney about getting some sort of visitation right with my husband's son, but given the distance (states away) and the age when paternity was finally figured out, the attorney said it was a very long shot and most likely wouldn't be granted in the very pro-BM state. I was surprised he was so upfront about it since most lawyers would love to just have something dragged on and be paid lots of money. He said he's pursue it if we asked, but in his experience, it would be against the odds to get it.

I would have his mom, the next time daddy-o rears his ugly head, to drop the hint about child support. He sounds like a scumbag so he might just hightail it and run. And if he doesn't and has actually become a changed human being, wanting to pay and be involved, then I think he deserves a chance to get to know his kid and let the child decide if he wants him in his life.

21-ish years ago my blended family situation was much like yours is now.

My bride and I met when SS-stb25 was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo. She was a single teen mom and had full legal and physical custody when we met. At that time there was no visitation schedule established in the Court Order though there was a small award of CS ($110/mo).

I was 30 when we married so basically a similar age to where you are now.

She left the state of SpermLand for university and took the baby with her. No effort by the SpermIdiot or SpermClan was made to see the kid until the small town grape vine reported that my bride was seeing someone. Then the battles started. Ultimately we retained complete control of the situation and though the initial legal effort by the SpermClan was for custody followed by a progression of legal wrangling in an effort to obtain joint custody, then 26 weeks of visitation, then 15wks of visitation ultimately the Judge upheld full physical and legal custody for my bride and awarded the SpermClan 7wkis of annual visitation (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring).

We lived under a CO for 16+ years until SS turned 18. He had a relationship with his SpermIdiot and the SpermClan but I was and remain his only REAL dad. I raised him as my own and his mom and I have remained dedicated to the protection of his best interests. As a result he asked me to adopt him two years ago when he was 22. Since he was an adult there was zero need to interface with the SpermClan on the adoption and they could say shit for nothing about it.

We just had the 2yr anniversary of the adult adoption order being signed by the Judge.

So, I do know a bit of what you are going through.

My advice is:

1. GF needs to get to court and get a clear order of custody. NOW! She needs to get an attorney and take action immediately before the BioDad can gain the initiative. Single moms nearly universally are granted legal and physical custody but confirm with your own attorney to verify what the case is in your jurisdiction.

2. Move, move far, and move now. We never lived nearer than 1200 miles to SpermLand from the day we met until this day. Since DW and SS were already out of state for her university studies there was nothing the SpermClan could do to reel them back to SpermLand in order to develop a higher level of legal influence over the situation. Since we were already in a long distance situation the SpermClan's visitation was naturally limited due to that distance.

3. GF needs to smack the BioDad for as much CS money as she can. This is great leverage to have and is a key part of protecting the kid's best interests for the duration of his years as a minor.

4. Document, document, document. She needs to buy a journal that is dedicated to documenting every sordid little detail regarding the BioDad, any interface or communications with him, and any manipulative crap that his side of the blended family equation attempts. She also needs to keep a physical calendar documenting any time he spends with the kid and tying to the journal by date.

You can have an amazing blended family experience and build a truly notable blended family if you and GF keep your heads in the game and remain diligent in protecting the best interests of the kid and keeping the blended family opposition as under control as possible.

Good luck.

I'm sure this post is about to make me VERY unpopular, but I have too much experience on the other side of this not to weigh in here...

My BF's BM sabotaged birth control to stop him from leaving her because of how wonderful he supposedly was. After the child was born, she then changed her mind. Despite the fact that the guy was at one point worth intentionally getting pregnant to keep, she then painted him as the unsuitable father and should not be permitted anywhere near the child. BM is extremely mentally unstable, likely bipolar, has used drugs, has never held a job in her life and still lives with her parents because she cannot take care of herself. The BF is college educated, and has been working and supporting HIS PARENTS since he was 18 and has never used drugs or had any mental health issues. But he's the problem, right?
In this case, the BM painted the decent parent as the undesireable one that she was desperate to remove from the child's life for the supposed good of the child. She was so insistent on him getting no rights to the child whatsoever she did absolutely everything she could- completely withheld visitation for nearly a year, denied paternity, claimed domestic violence, sent all kinds of threats about child support and back child support and DCF investigations trying to deter him, and lied about all matter of XYZ to keep him away from the kid. She wanted to be free of her ex, and to have her new boyfriend she met on a bondage and S&M site to raise their son as his own. She did all these things because she honestly BELIEVES the father is a deadbeat and a danger to the child and not a good influence and the child is much better off without a father and pretty much everything your girlfriend said about her ex in your post above. The supposed deadbeat who paid her child support on his own every month that she would not admit to recieving, and the deadbeat who spent 15 grand taking her to court to get rights to his son...
Maybe your girlfriend is completely right about the father, but it seems that the internet it full of posts from completely insane sounding BM's who decided to have a child with someone and are now trying to figure out how to keep father's away from their children for pretty much the same reasons your GF is giving you and that our BM gave before. If all these guys are so awful why are all these women having kids with them?
Its more likely that the parenting afforded to the entire millennial generation and the laws surrounding custody and child support (Which haven't really changed in 50 years, having been designed when women didn't work and only raised children) have produced large numbers of narcissistic young women who must protect their own ego's from injury after being left with a child when their relationships end by making everything the father's fault. Stereotypes have taught them from a young age about the deadbeat dad and the saintly single mother who has given up everything to raise the children some loser saddled her with. To prevent losing respect for themselves after they voluntarily had a child out of wedlock, they must elevate themselves to the status of suffering single mother to make themselves feel better. Unfortunately they can't be suffering single mother's (who everyone respects) if the father is still in the child's life. So they make him somehow unworthy in their heads, and try to find a way to eliminate him.
Today's women much prefer being viewed as "single mothers" who have been abandoned by their worthless deadbeats then as coparents. Hence the onslaught of twentysomethings asking how to get rid of the men they chose to be father's to their children on the internet because of the father's supposed unworthiness.

Again, nothing against your GF, but I give the story she's telling a maybe 10% chance of being true. And even if it is, this man is the child's father (because she selected him as such despite his shortcomings) If this guy was such an unsuitable parent she had access to birth control, abortion, and adoption, why didn't she use them? Was she raped? And held against her will for nine for months until she gave birth? He is the child's father only because that's exactly what she wanted.
The man she chose as dad is just as entitled to custody of the child as she is. And this child has the right to both parents. So while you may not like it that your girlfriend shares a child with someone else, YOU ARE NOT THAT CHILD'S FATHER. Scheming to eliminate the dad for whatever reason does a great injustice to that child who didn't ask for any of this. If the father is as uninterested or as useless as she claims, he will never file for custody because it will make him responsible for child support. Even If he gets partial custody, depending on the state he would still owe her back support dating back either two years or to the child's birth. Now depending on what he makes the amount's of child support required by the courts can be staggering, definitely more than enough to deter any man with a hint of deadbeat in him from ever taking her to court. (He can also be jailed for nonpayment.) I know more than one man who voluntarily signed his rights over to a kid he wanted because he knew he could never afford to pay what he'd owe. If your GF's ex does ever file for custody, its because he REALLY wants to be in the child's life and your GF is full of it when she claim's he is only doing it to make himself look good in a small town or whatever, and she is probably full of it when she claim's he's not a good father too.
If your GF's worst fears are ever realized and the father does file for custody, its safe to assume the real issue here is actually YOUR GF. She loves herself more than she loves the child and her desire not to deal with her ex is more important to her than how badly not knowing his BF will screw that poor kid up. In that case she can grow up, and do what's best for the child by giving dad 50%, and you can learn to be a stepparent-- or if she's really insistent she can still get him out of her life like she wants by signing her rights over to him, as he's probably the better parent anyway.

Your concerns are extremely valid.

I would like to add two things- many women cannot deal with the loss of control that entails when their child goes to the bio dad's house. This creates difficulty for everyone involved. Also, I have several friends who are stepfathers. There was a time in the relationship (prior to marriage) where they desperately wanted out, but stayed for the sake of the stepkids, who saw them as Dad. Their girlfriends accidently ended up pregnant. Now they are married because their girlfriend held the kids (step and now bios) over their heads.