Question about ROFR

Forums:

I wanted to create this as both as a test and to get some input.

I tried posting on my last forum post but it wasn't going through for some reason. I did read everyone's comments and I will take them to heart.

My husband has talked to his son many times about how the child support is set up but my ss refuses to accept it. His mother tells him to beg my husband for stuff until he gets it. But that's another issue altogether.

Our current problem is as follows:

We were all supposed to go on a one night camping trip this Saturday. Nothing fancy. It is just with one other family. But yesterday, my ss was caught calling me a bitch and a "c word" to our son. We had two other kids confirm that it was true. We are sure it is language his mother uses at her home. But it is still unacceptable for him to repeat it. He is old enough to know better.

I also personally feel very offended because they are disgusting names to call someone, let alone a child about his stepmother. The apology my ss gave me was not even heartfelt and my husband forced him to make it.

My husband decided a punishment would be that my ss stays with his grandmother for the Saturday night instead of going on the trip with us. This was my husband's decision but I am also happy there is some discipline being handed out.

But due to the ROFR clause, my husband informed his ex of this and she has been going insane. She is accusing my husband of being a deadbeat (which is the complete opposite of the truth), all while my ss is right next to her. She now won't let him come over this weekend uless my husband will be around. My husband is really angry that his son said what he did and his ex's comments are only making him more upset. Oh well, since I'm such a bitch I'm not going to try and pacify him and make excuses for my ss like I used to.

My main question is, does ROFR apply to custodial parents too? I've been told by a friend that the ROFR clause is used to help the nonn-custodial parent get more time only. If my husband picked up his son and made his mother watch him, does he need to give his ex the option to keep my ss?

Right of first refusal means

Right of first refusal means that if the parents who has time with the child is not going to be with the child during their time, then the other parent has a right to claim that time with the child as their own, and must decline the option before any and all daycare providers can be considered. It means that his mother can have him if she wants him before any aunts uncles grandparents stepparents babysitters, etc. are allowed to watch him.
The only person who is able to take him from the mother during that time would be his father.
This applies to both custodial and noncustodial parents, also to 50/50 arrangements with no custodial parents that include that clause.
Now generally the ROFR clause should give a minimum time that the parent will be absent for prior to kicking in, but as to answer your question-

Punished or not if your husband chooses not to have the child in his custody and control during his time, then the mother has rights to take the child if she wishes to do so. If you don't want him with his mother you'll need to think of another punishment.

Thank you for that

Thank you for that informative answer. It's all I wanted.

I have always taken the

I have always taken the perspective that mom's time is mom's time to do with as she pleases and dad's time is dad's time to do with as he pleases. GP time comes out of the parent's time so if dad wants to give the Skid a weekend with his parents then that is his prerogative.

ROFR is one of those things that I would invoke only if it was a benefit to me at that time were I the dad in this situation. I would not have called BM. His time, his choice. She can FO.

I would not advocate

I would not advocate violating the CO by any means. However, COs are open to interpretation and I would interpret it to my advantage. It is not likely that BM would take it to court and if she did then the Judge will clarify.

At least that is how it worked for us when we ended up in court a couple of times for clarification.

How is interpreting a CO to

How is interpreting a CO to ones advantage violating a CO and how is advocating for someone to interpret a CO to their own advantage advising them to ignore the order?

He is 12 and knows the

He is 12 and knows the language he used is disgusting. So yes, I support my husband in punishing him.

And I will trust our son, who loves his brother, as well as the words of two 14 year olds who are close with our family.

My husband never badmouths his ex to his son. Where did you get that idea?

What do you think will happen

What do you think will happen when the kid heads off to CAMP GRANDMA????

I'm sorry. Do you know my

I'm sorry. Do you know my husband's mother personally? She does not spoil children.

I am replying to disneyfan.

I am replying to disneyfan. To her, it is not a moot point.

Actually, it is a moot point

Actually, it is a moot point since the CO gives mom the right to exercise ROFR.

A grandma who doesn't spoil kids sounds the evil grandma kids are forced to visit.LOL

You made it sound like going

You made it sound like going to grandmas will be all fun and games so I clarified.

And she is not evil. She has been through a lot but loves her grandchildren very much.

Do I sound like I want to

Do I sound like I want to drag my ss to his grandmothers?

Can't I ask a simple question here without being accused of being controlling?

And his grandmother does not spoil anyone trust me. She is not your mother. He really wanted to go on the trip and missing it is his consequence for having a filthy mouth. I'm glad my husband is willing to discipline him on this.

A child who calls an adult a

A child who calls an adult a c word and bitch needs discipline. I would have done the same with my own son.

I don't care if he calls me bad words when he is alone in his room. But he will not be doing that around his brother and other people.

No one was accusing you of

No one was accusing you of being controlling.

That comment was directec at your husband. Trying to keep mom from following the CO shows that he wants to control the situation.

But that is not what he is

But that is not what he is doing. He told his ex and she is keeping him. I was just asking for my own knowledge because of what my friend told me about her experience with ROFR. She is wrong it seems. I will let her know.

And trust me, the ex has all the control with regards to visitation.

It's a hard line to walk.

Yes you want them to know the truth.

but on the other hand,

You don't want to involve kids' in adult/financial matters because it's not something that they should have to worry about.

It's one of those situational things.

Yes, my ss asks for stuff and

Yes, my ss asks for stuff and whines and complains until he gets it. It's all things his mother should be buying anyway with her $2K child support.

But he constantly compares with what our son has even though I'm the one buying it.

He is 12 and knows how money works. But his mother makes him ask his father for extras anyway.

Telling him that child

Telling him that child support needs to be used for activities is not badmouthing the ex. It is a fact.

Spending time with the parent

Spending time with the parent instead of being dumped on someone else benefits the child.

Dad said the kid can't go on the camping trip. Fine

Mom is available and wants the kid with her. Fine

Dad's punishment stands and the kid has more time with mom.

Because the parent trumps

Because the parent trumps other family members.

What's so ridiculous about

What's so ridiculous about taking 30 seconds to get a yes or no answer?

The dad wants to issue a punishment. COOL
He also wants to ignore the court order. NOT COOL

Are you serious???? ROFR

Are you serious???? ROFR doesn't come into play in the situations you just described. :? :?

It comes into play in this case because dad is going out of town.

It really does depend upon

It really does depend upon the wording of any ROFR language in the CO. If the CO is mute on ROFR, then I think your DH can send the kid to GMas if that's what he wants to do. If it is in there as a concept, the BM does have the right to take her son if your DH won't.

I can understand why DH probably doesn't want the BM to have the boy because she is likely to reward him for that behavior.

I think an alternate punishment is better. Perhaps losing electronics for the next two visits etc...