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What to say when in-laws bring up BM?

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Submitted by bd-sm on Mon, 03/20/2017 - 10:50pm

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DH's parents are completely enmeshed with BM, and see her far more than they do him.
At occasions like Christmas, she's invited, I'm reminded that I'm NOT invited, and DH is told he can only come if he leaves me home and is nice to BM/doesn't make her feel excluded.

DH tolerates this as FIL probably only had a few years left. We've talked about it until the cows come home, and despite the fact that they're openly hostile to me, occasionaly DH will successfully guilt me into coming with him to visit them when BM isn't there (when she's working - she has a key to their place and would flip if she dropped in and found us there, so timing is carefully planned).

It's a mess, but this isn't the topic at hand, just some background.

When we're there, ILs will bring up BM incessantly - they like recounting wedding stories and 'family memories'(since BM is their true daughter in law and always will be, their words). All openly intended to make me uncomfortable.

Awkward.
But! I'm a bit beyond caring,might as well have some fun.
What should I say when this happens?

I've been threatening DH with meeting every inappropriate ex story with one of my own, and interrupting the next BM story with a detailed description of my last boyfriend's gigantic manparts, but while DH actually had a laugh at the idea and it helped him get how uncomfortable those conversations are, I'm not quite that coarse and that'd be worse for DH than them anymore.

bd-sm's picture

Submitted by bd-sm on Mon, 03/20/2017 - 10:56pm

*Anyway

Also welcome anyone else's BM-loving ILs stories! Anyone landed even worse in-laws?

I know there's a long background there and my situation is messed up, but let's let that slide for now - TL:DR what I want to know is what you say when the in-laws harp on about BM Smile

bd-sm's picture

Submitted by bd-sm on Tue, 03/21/2017 - 3:16am

She's big on throwing fists and frypans, is the short version, but so is FIL, hence my not mourning the absence of a relationship.

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Submitted by bd-sm on Tue, 03/21/2017 - 6:33pm

DH is such a suck that if I let him go alone, they'd end up talking him into leaving the contents of his wallet for them to pass onto BM.

Unfortunately my DH is a naive child in general, but particularly still in interactions with his parents: it's still adult-child,not adult-adult.

Can't just throw him to the wolves. He's small and gullible and weak, and needs someone to look out for him, even when it's just being there to reassure him afterwards that he wasn't rude, or that it's okay that he said no to something, or that he isn't actually morally obligated to hand over money despite the guilt trips they lay on.

smomofone's picture

Submitted by smomofone on Thu, 03/23/2017 - 7:11pm

OMG I love you hahaha

I have the opposite problem, MIL wants to always talk about how horrible BM is(luckily BM and SO where never married, heck never even in a real relationship)

Good or bad, I don't want all my conversations with my in laws to be about BM. Like, how boring. haha

bd-sm's picture

Submitted by bd-sm on Tue, 03/21/2017 - 6:25pm

I go for DH, and I'm detached enough to find their behavior funny and something to be played with.
I'm past the point of letting it eat me up because they're such awful people in their own right (well, really just his father, but the rest of the family follows along like he's a cult leader) - it's not my place to talk about DH's childhood, but it was absolutely horrific, and I'd rather leave any child of mine locked in a hot car than with FIL.

I'm not exaggerating, and FIL belongs in jail for the things that happened to DH as a child. It makes A Boy Called It seem mild, and there were more kinds of abuse than physical violence.

For as long as they're so overtly awful and involved with BM, DH understands my distance from them, but if they played normal he'd forgive them in a heartbeat. So for me, in a way, the worse they are the better. DH is still desperate for his father's approval, but even he can't justify the current behavior.

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Submitted by bd-sm on Tue, 03/21/2017 - 6:34pm

Dupe

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Wed, 03/22/2017 - 2:33am

:jawdrop: if it's Christmas and DH is invited and you not... does he go or not...

believe me if he goes and leaves you behind you have to start talking about him as your STBExDH.....
Why can't he stand up for you? I would be livid

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Submitted by bd-sm on Wed, 03/22/2017 - 6:01am

Dupe

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Submitted by bd-sm on Wed, 03/22/2017 - 6:31am

He goes, and either sulks in a corner or plays happy family with BM depending on how desperate to curry his father's favor he is.

DH couldn't stand up for anyone if his life depended on it. He's got lots of redeeming qualities, but no backbone at all - he'll debase and emasculate himself to extremes to avoid conflict.

I'm fine with it, mostly. It's nuked the sexual attraction, but I feel warmly towards him and protect him as best I can. Feels more like I've adopted him than married him, but I make do fairly well. I think it sounds worse than it is to live.
There's no fiery passion to it - I love DH, but with how much trust and respect has been eroded by steplife, I can admit to myself I haven't been IN love with him for a long time. We're happy and kind at home, life isn't too bad, but we're at a point where (for example) if he cheated and got his heart broken I'd console him and not be particularly bent out of shape. I don't expect anything from him anymore.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Submitted by GhostWhoCooksDinner on Wed, 03/22/2017 - 2:29pm

Sounds like my in-laws. These people HATED BM when DH was married to her, but now she's like, a saint or something. They still refer to her as "our DIL" and have family photos up in their house from years ago that include BM. But I don't think it's necessarily that they like her. They're the same way with their daughter's exH/father of her kids. Same thing, "our SIL," photos of the happy family, they even spend holidays and go on vacations together. He's obviously still single.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Wed, 03/22/2017 - 3:18pm

I am very lucky in that EVERYONE despises BM. And SO has a VERY large family (as in large number). I even went as far, in hopes of keeping things nice, to allow her and boyfriend to attend a family function (her daughters sweet 16). She and boyfriend attended and stayed for ONE HOUR. Everyone was polite and cordial, but comments were made. Before I came along, BM used to invite herself to family events, and was tolerated, but then she would badmouth SO, TO HIS OWN FAMILY. Geeze that woman knows how to bury herself.

Well, when I caught her texting SO inappropriately, all family functions became off-limits, even Christmas. I just went there. And I still here comments of "cant stand the woman" from his family members.

This sounds like a horrible, horrible situation, OP. I hope that it works out for you!

bd-sm's picture

Submitted by bd-sm on Fri, 03/24/2017 - 5:28am

It's peacefully dispassionate. Steplife has killed the love, but it's been kind of a blessing. We don't fight, he's generally an okay guy, just a really codependent little Millhouse's Dad kinda guy. We both work a lot, so we don't have to see too much of each other.