I did a chore chat, printed it out, very easy to follow, DH never backed me up, and made my relationship worse with teen SDs. I do not designate chores anymore nor do I pick up after them and rarely make supper when they are there DH has to now. I agree, if DH doesn't back you up, it will make life worse!
No point in making chores unless there's a bio parent willing to enforce good and bad consequences for getting them done. If your SO is a Disney Dad then don't even bother setting yourself up for that battle; if you're on the same page or at least seem to be then start off light and make sure your SO is the one dishing it out to his kids.
I told my husband after we got married and I was certain we were going to have kids together that I need a lot more say in SD than I had prior. I told him i need to be able to set rules, give chores, etc. because I will be doing it with any children we have together, so unless he wants SD treated differently than all others in the house, things need to change and he was onboard lol I told him it's not gonna be pretty when SD is getting in shit everyday from me for a messy room while her sibling who's 6 years younger isn't because it's been taught right.
He understood and ive since set quite a few rules and chores. He backs them totally and completely because he knows it's in her best interest otherwise like I said she'd fall way behind her siblings (I'm 7 weeks now) and that wouldn't be good.
mwhahahahaha JustAGirl thanks for the laugh... no Hon you have no say, how dare you telling skids to do chores, didn't you get the memo SM is suppose to be nanny/drive/maid/feet washer/nose wiper....
our partners wants us to love these snot like our own, but we are not to tell or teach them anything...why do you think disengagement is such a nice thing...
It would annoy me to have a thirteen year old and a DH who believed all the household chores somehow belonged to me. That stupid old belief that it's 'woman work' and their sole responsibility to do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry and keeping things all neat and tidy.
In fact it would annoy to the point that, yes, my DH would indeed hear what I had to say about it. I am no one's maid and servant.
However, being it's a stepkid, it's really up to DH whether he is going to parent and teach his daughter responsibility and prepare her for adulthood where no one is going to do it all for her. So, I guess my opinion would fall down to meh, so fine, *I* get no say in if your kid actually has to be assigned the expectation of chores, but Daddy, that means you do you do not only your own share but also your teen's share.
It is a shame if the girl's father sees no reason to set an example of to hold basic expectations of commonly being a part of a household/family. If your husband's young teen is living in your home 50% of the time, she should be having normal routine chores during the two weeks a month she's in your home. That your SD doesn't may be due to differences in beliefs of parenting styles and what constitutes routine family life in a home. But none of that means that you do all the housework for skid or your husband.
All that to say, yes, one way or the other, SM gets a say.
I think what really pisses me off is because he has to do everything for her, he has less time to help me with things.
I do not, and will not, cook for them. Well, very rarely anyway. We don't eat the same kinds of foods. I might do it more if they contributed to house hold chores more.
I think it depends on what the SM considers chores and what the father considers chores. At my house, my kids (full time) never really had “chores” during the school year. They were expected to keep things clean and would help if asked. During the summer, they had plenty of chores though. Lol
When SS was smaller, DH had him do chores EOWE. I disagreed with this. The kid was only there 4 days a month at that time. Why on earth put the boy to work on those days? I know people will say but they have to learn. Ok…hopefully they are learning at BMs. If not then talk to them about it but damn…don’t have them scrub floors or mow grass on the 4 days a month they are there. JMHO and I know a lot disagree with me on this.
Had my SD lived with us full time, she would have had chores, but it would have been something DH and I would have agreed upon.
Since she was EOWE, she just had to pick up after herself and clean her room before she left. Sometimes DH would have her help him clean the kitchen or work in the yard but they did it together, it wasn't her "chore".
yes, we have a say, we ALWAYS have a say. and we can say until we're blue in the face, but it doesnt mean jack schitt unless our dh's agree with our say AND are prepared to back it up.
No sorry you have no say, regardless. But, you can stay away, regardless; the only thing that works....then, they all realize you are not the jello daddeee has become...LOL.
A step parent should have a SAY in what goes on in their home.. but that doesn't necessarily mean that they will get their "WAY".
Just like in a biokid situation where both parents may have different ideas on how to handle things.. at some point, the parents will come to a joint decision and back each other up. It may not have been the decision that both originally wanted.. but it was what was jointly agreed to.
So... SM doesn't get to type up chore lists and present them to the child. But, they can work with the bio parent to decide what chores and how to deliver the news to the kid. Once the chores are mutually agreed upon.. SM is perfectly in her right to remind said child to do said chore.
It's ok for the father to disagree with SM's suggestions. Ultimately it is his child, but he will have to live with the consequences which might mean that HE will have to do that chore that he won't ask his child to perform. (their laundry.. cleaning their room etc..).
To be honest, I wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't value my input and consider my feelings about how I preferred to have things done in our home.
My DH would always listen to my input and suggestions. Sometimes he disagreed and we compromised. I think it's generally helpful to not be too nit picky on things or pile on a ton of unreasonable expectations on a child all at once especially if little has been expected in the past. No reason to foster resentment. DAD has to back up SM for it to work though.
A logical person would think that if a SM lived full time in a home and it was an equal partnership deal with SO/DH, that YES SM has a right to be respected in her home and a right to ask for help.
BUT, regular chores, that is the realm of the bio-parents to decide on regular, unpaid chores that contribute to the household rather than the basic "clean your own room and do your own dishes" activity.
In my situation, my SO is very "leave it to him to designate chores to skids". I ask for basics, but when I asked for regular chores, he gets prickly, and tells me I am drill sergeant to poor precious snowflake princesses.
However, in MY particular situation, I do half the work such as laundry, and dishes and cooking, as well as the general inside organization. He pays rent and bills, I pay for food and sundries and miscellaneous (income inequity). I am working towards making more money = more contributions = more say-so in my household.
It is difficult to have regular chores because the schedule is irregular. There is a 5 day on/5 day off custody schedule. Then there are sleepovers. Then there is taking care of grandma duties - really an entire cornucopia of "get out of chores" activities. Added to this is the level of lazy is very high, and we have a "dirty girl" pig pen type, so even just getting her to keep her room clean and wash her own dishes (Shes almost 18!) is a chore!!!! For us, getting chores done is more work!!! And at this point I am disengaged so I do not care if it is helping/hurting her future self. just don't want to live with her anymore...
Ummm yes lol if they live
Ummm yes lol if they live with you under your roof than hell yes. I don't see why a stepparent wouldn't have a say.
I did a chore chat, printed
I did a chore chat, printed it out, very easy to follow, DH never backed me up, and made my relationship worse with teen SDs. I do not designate chores anymore nor do I pick up after them and rarely make supper when they are there DH has to now. I agree, if DH doesn't back you up, it will make life worse!
Yes, I've learned this and
Yes, I've learned this and it's made me very resentful of both of them.
No point in making chores
No point in making chores unless there's a bio parent willing to enforce good and bad consequences for getting them done. If your SO is a Disney Dad then don't even bother setting yourself up for that battle; if you're on the same page or at least seem to be then start off light and make sure your SO is the one dishing it out to his kids.
He is a Disney Dad. I just
He is a Disney Dad.
I just don't know if I have the right to be angry with him if he doesn't enforce them.
I realize this anger is only hurting me, but I don't know how to let go of it.
You absolutely have a right
You absolutely have a right to be angry at your spouse for not backing you up if it's a reasonable expectation for the child to do something.
I told my husband after we
I told my husband after we got married and I was certain we were going to have kids together that I need a lot more say in SD than I had prior. I told him i need to be able to set rules, give chores, etc. because I will be doing it with any children we have together, so unless he wants SD treated differently than all others in the house, things need to change and he was onboard lol I told him it's not gonna be pretty when SD is getting in shit everyday from me for a messy room while her sibling who's 6 years younger isn't because it's been taught right.
He understood and ive since set quite a few rules and chores. He backs them totally and completely because he knows it's in her best interest otherwise like I said she'd fall way behind her siblings (I'm 7 weeks now) and that wouldn't be good.
mwhahahahaha JustAGirl thanks
mwhahahahaha JustAGirl thanks for the laugh... no Hon you have no say, how dare you telling skids to do chores, didn't you get the memo SM is suppose to be nanny/drive/maid/feet washer/nose wiper....
our partners wants us to love these snot like our own, but we are not to tell or teach them anything...why do you think disengagement is such a nice thing...
Oh I've had the memo shoved
Oh I've had the memo shoved down my throat repeatedly.
I guess he was just lying to me when he said, before we moved in together, that she would do more as she got older. 'More'?? Ha.
oh Hon, he was saying what he
oh Hon, he was saying what he believed you wanted to hear and still get some sexy time....
he never meant it lol...
Luckily not married, but have
Luckily not married, but have been living together for 4 years now. We discussed this before getting a house together. SD13 lives with us 50/50.
It would annoy me to have a
It would annoy me to have a thirteen year old and a DH who believed all the household chores somehow belonged to me. That stupid old belief that it's 'woman work' and their sole responsibility to do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry and keeping things all neat and tidy.
In fact it would annoy to the point that, yes, my DH would indeed hear what I had to say about it. I am no one's maid and servant.
However, being it's a stepkid, it's really up to DH whether he is going to parent and teach his daughter responsibility and prepare her for adulthood where no one is going to do it all for her. So, I guess my opinion would fall down to meh, so fine, *I* get no say in if your kid actually has to be assigned the expectation of chores, but Daddy, that means you do you do not only your own share but also your teen's share.
It is a shame if the girl's father sees no reason to set an example of to hold basic expectations of commonly being a part of a household/family. If your husband's young teen is living in your home 50% of the time, she should be having normal routine chores during the two weeks a month she's in your home. That your SD doesn't may be due to differences in beliefs of parenting styles and what constitutes routine family life in a home. But none of that means that you do all the housework for skid or your husband.
All that to say, yes, one way or the other, SM gets a say.
Thank you for this...nicely
Thank you for this...nicely thought out.
I think what really pisses me off is because he has to do everything for her, he has less time to help me with things.
I do not, and will not, cook for them. Well, very rarely anyway. We don't eat the same kinds of foods. I might do it more if they contributed to house hold chores more.
I think it depends on what
I think it depends on what the SM considers chores and what the father considers chores. At my house, my kids (full time) never really had “chores” during the school year. They were expected to keep things clean and would help if asked. During the summer, they had plenty of chores though. Lol
When SS was smaller, DH had him do chores EOWE. I disagreed with this. The kid was only there 4 days a month at that time. Why on earth put the boy to work on those days? I know people will say but they have to learn. Ok…hopefully they are learning at BMs. If not then talk to them about it but damn…don’t have them scrub floors or mow grass on the 4 days a month they are there. JMHO and I know a lot disagree with me on this.
Had my SD lived with us full
Had my SD lived with us full time, she would have had chores, but it would have been something DH and I would have agreed upon.
Since she was EOWE, she just had to pick up after herself and clean her room before she left. Sometimes DH would have her help him clean the kitchen or work in the yard but they did it together, it wasn't her "chore".
yes, we have a say, we ALWAYS
yes, we have a say, we ALWAYS have a say. and we can say until we're blue in the face, but it doesnt mean jack schitt unless our dh's agree with our say AND are prepared to back it up.
Yep. Such a cliche, but
Yep.
Such a cliche, but hindsight is 20/20.
No sorry you have no say,
No sorry you have no say, regardless. But, you can stay away, regardless; the only thing that works....then, they all realize you are not the jello daddeee has become...LOL.
A step parent should have a
A step parent should have a SAY in what goes on in their home.. but that doesn't necessarily mean that they will get their "WAY".
Just like in a biokid situation where both parents may have different ideas on how to handle things.. at some point, the parents will come to a joint decision and back each other up. It may not have been the decision that both originally wanted.. but it was what was jointly agreed to.
So... SM doesn't get to type up chore lists and present them to the child. But, they can work with the bio parent to decide what chores and how to deliver the news to the kid. Once the chores are mutually agreed upon.. SM is perfectly in her right to remind said child to do said chore.
It's ok for the father to disagree with SM's suggestions. Ultimately it is his child, but he will have to live with the consequences which might mean that HE will have to do that chore that he won't ask his child to perform. (their laundry.. cleaning their room etc..).
To be honest, I wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't value my input and consider my feelings about how I preferred to have things done in our home.
My DH would always listen to my input and suggestions. Sometimes he disagreed and we compromised. I think it's generally helpful to not be too nit picky on things or pile on a ton of unreasonable expectations on a child all at once especially if little has been expected in the past. No reason to foster resentment. DAD has to back up SM for it to work though.
Thank you for all of this
Thank you for all of this ESMOD. You have made me feel that I'm not completely unreasonable.
A logical person would think
A logical person would think that if a SM lived full time in a home and it was an equal partnership deal with SO/DH, that YES SM has a right to be respected in her home and a right to ask for help.
BUT, regular chores, that is the realm of the bio-parents to decide on regular, unpaid chores that contribute to the household rather than the basic "clean your own room and do your own dishes" activity.
In my situation, my SO is very "leave it to him to designate chores to skids". I ask for basics, but when I asked for regular chores, he gets prickly, and tells me I am drill sergeant to poor precious snowflake princesses.
However, in MY particular situation, I do half the work such as laundry, and dishes and cooking, as well as the general inside organization. He pays rent and bills, I pay for food and sundries and miscellaneous (income inequity). I am working towards making more money = more contributions = more say-so in my household.
It is difficult to have regular chores because the schedule is irregular. There is a 5 day on/5 day off custody schedule. Then there are sleepovers. Then there is taking care of grandma duties - really an entire cornucopia of "get out of chores" activities. Added to this is the level of lazy is very high, and we have a "dirty girl" pig pen type, so even just getting her to keep her room clean and wash her own dishes (Shes almost 18!) is a chore!!!! For us, getting chores done is more work!!! And at this point I am disengaged so I do not care if it is helping/hurting her future self. just don't want to live with her anymore...