Texts between BM and DH
I have picked this fight before, to no avail. It's still bothering me.
I read some texts between BM and DH when DH left his phone unlocked the other day. I hate to be sneaky like that but I have tried to deal with the issue head on and been shut down by DH.
It really bothers me that I don't know what is being said between BM and DH. I am in a catch-22 though because I have totally disengaged and thus have asked to not hear about BM and skids etc. DH says I am living a duplicitous life by basically ignoring the fact that the skids or BM exist. Even when he says something like, 'Skid scored a point at basketball' or 'Skid is really funny and is quite the comedian'...I totally shut down. I will not make a sound if we are talking on the phone. I will say, 'That's nice' and immediately change the subject etc.
But back to the texts. When I did read the most recent from BM, she had asked DH for $4,000 for skids orthodontics. He paid it to her (no he's still not working, but taking care of his parent who had a major medical event recently. He's being paid for that $500/week.) Mind you, he only contributes $500 per month to our household but I did get him to finally agree to pay for half of any home expenses. He text BM, 'Let's spend the money while it's available. No better way than on the kids." (mind you, he placates her to DEATH! to get on her good side and stay there because she threatens him with an attorney ever couple of months.)
BM's text was reminiscing about their time married and ended with 'I AM MISSING YOU TONIGHT'. DH did not respond to this.
So I can't bring it up with DH because I should have never have seen the texts in his phone. I have thought about discussing it with BM but EVERY time I talk to her it bites me in the ass.
In the past, I have asked DH to be willing to unlock his phone and let me view the texts if I want. I have offered to reciprocate that as well. I told him that if he ever sends a text to her or receives one that he wouldn't be willing to let me see...he's in the wrong.
He has completely refused any of that, citing that I would only read into the texts and make mountains out of molehills.
HELP ME OUT HERE LADIES
ALSO... do I just let this
ALSO... do I just let this go. Because I have gotten my way on everything else related to the skid marks. They no longer stay at my home. I don't have to see them if I don't want. DH defriended BM on Facebook. On and on.
I know the obvious thing is I am trying to erase as much of them as possible as they pertain to me and my home.
To be clear, I strongly advocate now for DH to spend time with them and fulfill his orders and their needs....I just took myself out of the equation and am trying to make that ok for the next 9 years until the skids age out.
onelife, I am a very passive
onelife, I am a very passive person, or I should say, I used to be. There is no way I would settle for a marriage like this. This is not a marriage. It is a 3-way event. Marriages are between two people. And, just because other children are involved, it does not mean your marriage to DH = a 3-way marriage that includes his ex-. The fact that he hides BM's posts from you is NO different than him hiding an affair from you.
I would highly advise that you see a counselor. There is disengaging, but then there is rolling over and taking it and just trying to ignore it. I think you fall more into the latter, unfortunately. Disengaging means YOU are empowered. I see none of that here.
I'm sorry onelife, but I really want you to have a better life for yourself. I just hate it, ABSOLUTELY hate it when SMs let SKs, DH AND BM use them. Don't settle for this.
He's using you financially.
He's using you financially. TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. Kick his loser ass out.
fyi - the real reason most people keep their phones on ultra secret lockdown is because they are either cheating or trying to cheat. He may not be physically cheating on you but he is cheating you financially.
I have realized this. The
I have realized this. The good thing is I HAVE brought THAT up with him. I went to a financial planner and DH is on board now. It took me a long time and yes, you're right, I was being used...if not maliciously, then by laziness, complacency and enabling behavior on my part.
He and I are getting on the plan the financial planner set up and that should turn the finance deficit on his part around.
He text BM, 'Let's spend the
He text BM, 'Let's spend the money while it's available. No better way than on the kids."
Um, what money is he referring to?
He got some money from his
He got some money from his dad, for being a caregiver. He took some off the top too to back pay himself since he's been caregiver for his ailing folks.
I am not sure how much he took or how much he has. He only contributes $500 per month to our household.
But he was able to give BM $4,000 for skids orthodontics.
Yes he is secretive with
Yes he is secretive with money. He's a spender, I'm a saver...so the moment he gets any, it's gone.
You all have made me see clearly just how secretive and shady he is being with me.
If he is able to give BM
If he is able to give BM $4000.00, he is able to contribute more than $500.00 to your household.
It doesn't sound like he learned much from the financial planner. I've never heard anyone in finance say, "Spend it while you have it!" Especially when one is unemployed.
He always gives the money to
He always gives the money to her directly.
And yes, later, she comes up with a reason she needs more.
She knows how to get what she
She knows how to get what she wants out of him. And he's a fool to fall for it.
What would you do? I am not just going to run to divorce court over it but you are right, it needs to be addressed.
I was never supposed to see any of those texts so it makes me a jerk for sneaking into his phone.
I don't think you are a jerk
I don't think you are a jerk for looking at his phone. You have trust issues with your DH, and rightly so. Step life can be hell. I couldn't be with my DH if he took the stance that his phone/computer/tablet was off limits to me. That's just fishy.
Anonymama, the OP can't make
Anonymama, the OP can't make hervhusband do anything because he knows she will not leave him. As long he believes the OP doesn't have deal breakers, he's free do what he pleases.
Her lack of deal breakers and his lack of respect for her works out perfectly for him but terribly for her.
"She knows how to get what
"She knows how to get what she wants out of him. And he's a fool to fall for it.
What would you do? I am not just going to run to divorce court over it but you are right, it needs to be addressed.
I was never supposed to see any of those texts so it makes me a jerk for sneaking into his phone."
You can't fix this because you are not willing to divorce him. I'm sure that he knows you won't divorce him. He knows that you MIGHT scream, yell, cry and say let's run to therapy. That means all he has to do is get through the noise and say the right things in therapy, then it will be business as usual.
You won't be able to fix this until younlove yourself enough to walk away from him. Once believes that you won't put up with his shit, he will either stop the foolishness because he doesn't want to lose you or find a new sucker to take advantage of.
He ignored the text. There
He ignored the text. There were several texts following her 'I miss you' that were totally unrelated. He ignored her.
She sent hi a 'Happy Anniversary' on the day their divorce was finalized 5 years ago. He just responded back with rolly eyes
He ignored the text. There
He ignored the text. There were several texts following her 'I miss you' that were totally unrelated. He ignored her.
She sent hi a 'Happy Anniversary' on the day their divorce was finalized 5 years ago. He just responded back with rolly eyes
Not responding doesn't mea he
Not responding doesn't mea he ignored the comment. He may have simply called her and responded verbally.
Or perhaps the text "I miss
Or perhaps the text "I miss you" is some kind of code for: Meet me at the No Tell Hotel at 6:00 tonight.
Ask yourself: What you are getting out of the relationship? If it is nada or just Smokey Joe in the bedroom, how many years of your life do you think it is worth?
Right you are and I am
Right you are and I am feeling beat up that way. He should shut her down and I will have a conversation with him about telling me when and if she pulls any of that 'I miss you' stuff.
I have a couple of doting guys who were sad when I got married to DH. Occasionally they say something that is 'inappropriate' like "I'm sad you're off the market" or "do you ever think what it might have been like if we were together". I basically ran to tell DH about that!
He made a huge issue and I regretted telling him but he does know that he can trust me. I even offered to not spend any one-on-one time with those guys if it made him uncomfortable.
'I AM MISSING YOU TONIGHT'
'I AM MISSING YOU TONIGHT' :jawdrop:
NO WAY I could keep my mouth shut about this. Who cares if he get upset you looked at his phone. Either way it's gonna be a fight.
What would you do
What would you do specifically?
I would tell him I saw the
I would tell him I saw the texts. I want to know why he didn't shut her down. I would also want an explaination about "why not spend it on the kids" crap. Did you check his call logs. He could have called her after the "I miss you" text. This guy is super shady.
What would the boundaries
What would the boundaries be?
He placates her and says the things she needs to hear so she doesn't go crazy bitch on him. He appeases the hell out of her to smooth over her threats of attorneys and increasing CS, demanding he see the skids more etc.
Also how to I know the boundaries are being kept? (Since I am in the dark about their communication.)
I don't want to police his phone or be privy to their conversations. But yes, I want to make sure I have honesty and an accurate sense of their relationship and my relationship.
He lives over 300 miles away
He lives over 300 miles away from them but she still wants every other weekend, which he does. But then she said she wants him to have them 8 nights per month. How the hell is that going to work unless he does EVERY weekend? Which would make him drive 2400 miles per month just for 8 days. The skids don't even want that because they want to be with their friends on the weekends. She's trying to put the pressure on so he moves back to her town.
I told him once that his communication needs to be only in regard to the skids. He said he tries to keep her as a friend so she won't unleash her crazy bitch on him. He also says that when her mental health is better, his kids are in a better environment.
That I understand. BM is a mess and she unloads on DH in big screaming fits a couple times a month and he takes the time to 'counsel' her and 'help her through her issues'.....for the benefit of his kids he says.
I get it...sorta...I just don't like it Sanecatlady. I have tried to remove all of this from my life as much as possible. I can't erase BM or her spawn unless I get a divorce. I don't want to do that. That's why I think at this point that I just have to keep my mouth shut.
To answer your question about medical bills etc: If there is anything above and beyond the CS, DH pays half. She just names the price though and DH never follows up with 'send me the receipt' so he knows what the actual bill is...not just what the bitch says.
Oh man "It's for the
Oh man "It's for the kids"....My DH used to use that excuse as well. Until I said F this and moved out and got my own apartment. We lived seperate for almost a year and guess what, things improved GREATLY because he knew how good he had it with me and he didn't want to lose me. We still have our step hell moments, that's just step life. You have to take your power back. Stop letting this man treat you like this.
Remember ANYTIME DH says "it's for the kids" thats code for "It's really for BM but I'm saying it's for the kids so you can't get mad at me"
"He said he tries to keep her
"He said he tries to keep her as a friend so she won't unleash her crazy bitch on him"
-Sorry, didn't even reach the end of the comments on this topic, before this stopped me dead in my tracks. WHAT?!?! No. I'm sorry. If he is capable of having a friendly relationship, they should have stayed married for the sake of the kids. My DH is NOT friends with his ex, and if he ever said that he wanted to be, I'd be out the door before he could blink.
Oh my gosh I'm still seeing
Oh my gosh I'm still seeing red just thinking about it my blood boils!
BM wanted DH to pick her up and drive to parent teacher conferences together one year so that they could "present a friendly united front." EFF THAT! You are NOT a friendly united front, you are an evil psycho bitch who just spent the last hour cussing out my DH. Let's not fake a friendship for the sake of the kids, because they were sitting on the couch next to you crying while you screamed. Oh and while you're at it, please take your wedding ring off. The teacher knows you are divorced too.
Maybe your situation isn't like mine and they really are friendly, but that would probably just bother me more.
DH told BM that when SS turns
DH told BM that when SS turns 18 he is completely blocking her from his life. She actually got upset by this because "they can still be friends" They aren't friends now. She has been so horrible he hates her guts. Friends...HA HA
Same thing happened here.
Same thing happened here. When DH told BM that he didn't have to speak to her after SD was 18, she got mad, told him that "they were bonded for life." He told her, nope, they were not and if he never wanted to speak to her again, he didn't have to. She got pissed and hung up on him.
This is an excuse men use a
This is an excuse men use a lot to "justify" cowardly giving into their ex-: "He placates her and says the things she needs to hear so she doesn't go crazy bitch on him."
This is what I hear and what every other woman SHOULD be hearing: "I care about placating my ex-, but I don't care about placating you, my current wife." AND, "If my ex- says jump, I'll say How High? If you, my current wife, says jump, I'll say Get Lost." What does that tell you about his priority list? You are fourth on his list, behind him, his children, and his ex-. Do you want to be fourth on your husband's list?
I'm sorry, but this guy's Precious Moments are in his ex's pocket and not yours. You don't need boundaries, because I think you made it clear to him quite some time ago what you were looking for, and in his eyes his ex- comes before you. He keeps trying to see what he can get away with. You deserve better. Personally, I'd rather live alone for 100 years than be married to a guy who puts me fourth on his list. I mean that, really. 100 years of ID Discovery every evening would be wa-a-ay better than whatever this guy has to offer.
Would anyone on this board
Would anyone on this board contact BM directly to discuss this?
No. I've been with DH for
No. I've been with DH for seven years and have spoken zero words to BM. Even while standing face to face with her at kid events. Won't waste my time on trash.
Why? You will not get the
Why? You will not get the truth out of BM.
I guess I just want to let
I guess I just want to let her know that I see her texts (even though I don't). so she better mind her manners.
ALSO!!! Since she sent the 'I miss you' text and DH didn't shut her down other than to ignore her, it undermines me and my marriage.
I don't want her to think she can undermine me or make me a fool.
She's not the one making you
She's not the one making you a fool. Sorry.
NO!! Do not pass go and do
NO!! Do not pass go and do not let BM know she got your number, never let them see you sweat.
The skids visit DH at their
The skids visit DH at their grandparent's home. They all stay there together during their visits. I stay at my home by myself when the skids are in town and it's way better for me. I hated every minute they were in my home and developed an anxiety condition over it...no more.
skids are 9 and 11 boys
skids are 9 and 11 boys
Oh girl...your DH does not
Oh girl...your DH does not sound like a good man. Not at all. sorry.
Let me just say, that in
Let me just say, that in order for me to tell a man, a man that I am no longer with, who is married to another woman, for me to tell him, "I am missing you tonight," I would have to have a reason to think he would be receptive to that. That just seems very "off", to me.
Whether he is truly emotionally involved with her or just letting her think he is to placate her, it's WRONG.
And to blame you for having his phone on lock down (because you will make mountains out of molehills), is also wrong.
I would have went off on him by now.
Your DH is using u. He is
Your DH is using u. He is not your partner. If he lets BM make those type of comments trust me he is Enjoying it or getting something out of it. If I were u I would probably flip out. That is totally unacceptable. Not only the comment but spending money without your consent. You all are married ??? Sounds like it's time to re evaluate you relationship. Not sure how you are putting up with this ???
Sane, they make toys for
Sane, they make toys for that.
Yup that's me. He's cleaned
Yup that's me.
He's cleaned up all of that BS.
I am addicted to the potential of this man and my marriage. I want it to work and I have come so far getting this squared away.
This is honestly my fault. I should have never married a man with kids. But here I am and I am trying to make it work.
This is my insecurity and I do not like having another woman in the picture. Boundaries is what I need help establishing which is why I am asking for specifics from all of you.
thanks for your help
Onelife, your husband is
Onelife, your husband is taking money from his Parents as a care giver. YOU must be joking. Is he qualified? Does your husband have a medical background.
I could care less about the pillow talk between your husband and his wife, I mean ex wife. Frankly I find it more concerning about his dad/mom who had surgery.
Are they bed ridden? Sounds like your husband is going thru Mom and Dads money and you should make a call to your local Office of the ageing for them to do a look see.
Dont you think it all sounds very off onelife?
Both of his folks have
Both of his folks have recently had medical issues that will require permanent care for the rest of their lives. My husband has practically moved in with them, renovated some of their home to make it accessible, taken power of attorney over them in order to handle their finances, insurance, hospital stays etc.
He is the only sibling and the only one to help them and it truly is a full-time ordeal and very taxing in every way. So I do think it's reasonable that he receive some financial compensation for all he is doing, the driving and gas he's doing, the endless phone calls and meetings with caregivers etc. It's a nightmare that his parents did not prepare for.
I am with you though...it is my belief that he took some money off the top for himself...paid his ex $4000 for the orthodontist etc.
Shady...yes.
I am busting my butt to put a stop to it and get some honest checks and balances in place.
Onelife: once I checked SO's
Onelife: once I checked SO's phone after hearing it buzz and he was in the other room. It was from B!tch Bm, and it said:
"When are you cumming over.
Lol."
I went ballistic, he told her "don't ever send texts like that, CLove was very upset." She responded with "luckily my boyfriend isn't jealous like CLove". SO told me that sometimes she texts him "zingers" and he just ignores them, its when she is buzzed.
He had ignored it from what I saw, but now I ask to see his texts they have between them. She chats about her BF, and their issues, issues with the kids, questions about fish.
So, in a nutshell, rain holy h@ll on him, tell him to respond nicely but firmly (for the skids dontcha know) and try to get things more financially equal. Trust me, when the finances are in line it seems like EVERYTHING is in line.
Yes this! It sounds like he's
Yes this! It sounds like he's conspiring with her to spend money that should first be going to your household. If my DH EVER offered money directly to BM I would be worried. ANYTHING we spend to help SD goes directly to bills, purchases for items that stay at our house, or reimbursements to BM after she shows proof of payment. I'm not funding her or her house any more than CS requires. NEVER is it acceptable for DH to offer BM money.
My take on this situation is
My take on this situation is it is BAD NEWS!
To start, for him to be power of attorney, I believe he will need to account for the money that he spends. Therefore, if he is taking chunks of money out of their account, it could come back to bite him in the fanny. I know my BM was POA for her elderly relatives and she had to account for every penny spent.
Second, I just talked to an orthodontist about braces. The cost was under $6,000.00. So even if you live in an area that is more expensive it appears he paid way more than half. He most likely paid for everything that insurance would not cover.
Third, regarding the text from BM. That is a huge issue. The fact that he did not shut that down shows that he is not making it clear he is not interested. That would cause me to come unhinged and I would for a fact say something to DH about that. Who cares if he gets mad. What happens if you found out he was sleeping with BM?? Would you say something or be afraid he would be mad because you looked at his phone. I look at my DH's texts, email and social media. If they are not open with their email, money, or phone then they are not a trustworthy partner.
I couldn't care less about
I couldn't care less about the BM or anything she says. I'm hung up on the fact that this pos had 4k, and chose to spend it on anything other than paying down some of his debt to YOU, the woman he's been sponging off of.
Don't you get it? You are being used, exploited, victimized, and there isn't a way to fix that. That's a character defect, and we are supposed to avoid people who victimize other people.
Honey, you need to go through his possessions and pawn anything of value. He OWES YOU 4k!!!
Boy, do I remember this sad,
Boy, do I remember this sad, sad story.
So, this loser couldn't even make it two months, onelife. Heed your username, gtfo and have a real, enjoyable, meaningful life!
You should have screen shot
You should have screen shot these, sent them to yourself and delete that from his phone THEN put them right on top of a folder with divorce papers in them.
Something does not add up
Something does not add up with this story. My gut doesnt believe it. In any event:
Onelife when your husband gets caught with misusing his parents money and he will. YOU will be stuck in it too.
If you were smart you would report this to the proper authorities.
Our most vulnerable are our children and Seniors.
I'm not sure why you're still
I'm not sure why you're still with this guy. I do remember the original screen name and the 'poof' followed by the comeback with different approach and new name.
What I don't remember is the what the heck you get out of this relationship, why you stay in it and how much more you're going to tolerate before you just move on with your life. Yeah, your choice, your decision, you love him, don't won't to be alone yadda yadda and so forth I suppose.
In the meantime, stay out of DH's phone. The less you know about what this guy is up to, the better off you likely legally are. One thing you do know is BM and DH are not having a thing. She's sucking up with the 'remember when' crap merely to get the available cash he has access to.
I thnk the single biggest
I thnk the single biggest risk here is that the OP and DH jpintly will be liable for any money he embezzles from his parents accounta. If he has siblings, you can bet they will have an audit done at some point and she and DH will have to repay ... Not only is she being used to pay expenses now, but he is risking her future too. How many red flags does one need to feel,a brick upside the head? Run.
Bingo, smforever, ^^^^^. On
Bingo, smforever, ^^^^^.
On the "missing you" text - I don't think my dh would have responded to it, either. I would have known about the text not from snooping but from the house shaking with the guffawing roaring out of dh's lungs.
I do believe often the best way to shut that crap down is to simply let it dangle out into the ether. The miscreant who sent it will get no payoff whatsoever. So I'm ok with him not responding to that.
Next, there's only one time to snoop on partners, if you ask me, and that's when you are on the verge of leaving. If you are not willing to leave and possibly preparing to do so already, just don't spy.
The reason is you have no marriage worth saving at all if you feel you have to go through his phone or whatever.
Do not marry "potential." The jails are full of people with "potential." Potential means zip. You marry a human being whose current edition is all that you could ever hope for.
How do you set boundaries in a marriage? You tell him you're unhappy over x. He's sorry to hear it and offers to do Y instead. = happy marriage. If you tell him he has to do this rule and that rule he may appease you or lie to you or do the bare minimum or "forget." = pile of crap that leads to years of misery then divorce. In other words, you problem solve together and the other partner willingly OFFERS to make some sort of change. You do NOT snoop, dictate, restrict, shackle.
Expect more out of your marriage.
He's caring for his ailing
He's caring for his ailing parents. I would assume they have medications that they take on a regular basis. Perhaps a controlled substance prescription or two.
Am I the only one that thinks OP should feel apprehensive about DH's role as caretaker?