We got custody of poisoned stepson
I have created an account on this site because I am desperate for some advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.
A year after I married my husband, his ex ran away to her home country with their 3 year old son. It has now been 10 years later and his ex has finally been arrested and sentenced to jail for 3 years.
We had to go through a very complicated reunification procedure that was set in place by professionals. My stepson was living with his maternal grandmother in her country while my husband flew there monthly while the trial has been going on. The plan was to ease him back into our home because it has been so traumatic for him.
Now that all the legal loose ends are tied up, my almost 14 year old stepson has finally come back to our home for 2 months and it has been hell. The last I saw him was when he was a toddler and now we are all strangers to each other. He speaks very broken English and my husband is the only one who can barely speak Spanish.
My husband has spent nearly 180 thousand dollars over the years and we have cried over his missing son countless times. But now, it feels like a slap in the face that his son blames us for his mother being incarcerated. He does not speak much but he definitely lets us know that he hates us and to go fuck ourselves. He has been poisoned against us by the maternal side of this family. He is also aggressive and has threatened my husband with physical violence. He has ran away from our home 3 times.
He was taught in a Spanish-medium school and we have had to get a tutor to home school him and try to bring him up to speed for high school next year. But with the current progress, I do not think he will make it in public school. I am worried he will be living with us well into his 20s.
He refuses to eat the food I make even though I have been trying my hardest to make the food he grew up with. My husband has been buying him takeout meals just so he will eat something. I am currently staying at home to look after our own five year old daughter who has some health issues and he just ignores us. I feel very uncomfortable and scared living in my own house.
I know some of you might think I’m a bad person but sometimes I wish my stepson had just stayed with his mother. My husband cried in my arms three days ago because it seems like a hopeless situation. He loves his son with all his soul but it has been very stressful for all of us.
We have been trying therapy with my stepson here but like during the reunification, he does not cooperated. I am scared he is depressed and he is not letting us help him. Has anyone experienced something like this before? Was there anything you did that helped?
He has a weekly session and
He has a weekly session and even during reunification my husband had group sessions with him. Sadly, these will only work if he actually cooperates and talks. Every week my husband takes him nearly 90 mins away and waits there because that's the only therapist fluent in Spanish. Only for my stepson to not say a word.
Thanks for saying I'm not a terrible person.
It is very frustrating. It
It is very frustrating. It feels like wasted time and money. I am just glad I am staying at home because I get to keep an eye on him. Even though he is my husband's son, he's still a teenage boy bigger than me who I barely know.
He ignores us and just interacts with my husband, even if it's just yelling. So I am lucky there.
It's mostly in Spanish but I
It's mostly in Spanish but I can make out some curse words. My husband probably understands but doesn't really tell me.
(((HUGS))) I would feel the
(((HUGS))) I would feel the same way.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks for the advice sueu2.
Thanks for the advice sueu2. We do understand why he would be angry and we have tried to weather through it. But it's still a slap in the face because we have been looking to reunite with him for so long and we went through so much to get justice. And now he hates us and its very upsetting for us.
Letting him go back to his maternal relatives is not possible. We even have a restraining order against his ex's mother. She is an American citizen but moved to her home country with her daughter 10 years ago. She and her family made threats to harm my husband. We are also scared how he will be raised without his mother there. There are many reasons why sending him back would not be a good idea.
Sounds like a VERY difficult
Sounds like a VERY difficult and painful situation for you and our DH. I feel sympathy also for your SS, because he probably has a bit of "Stockholm syndrome", he's in a country where he doesn't speak the language (I would have considered that quite the adventure as a child, but apparently he does not) he's with his father whom he was told did not love him. Growing up must have been very painful. Add to that he is just entering the "terrible teens". Its a "perfect storm" of pain and turbulence. I hope that the therapist breaks through to him somehow. And I feel so very sorry that you and your child have to live in that kind of situation. Keep us posted!!!! I am hoping something breaks through to him somehow, in some way, with some kind of miracle.
It is indeed Stockholm
It is indeed Stockholm syndrome. She told him lies his whole life about how my husband was abusive. She spoke perfect english but refused to teach her son to further separate him from his father. Thank you for the nice words.
What a horrible situation for
What a horrible situation for every one of you. I think there is just too much change at once for anybody to adjust well. Regardless of who took whom (and the the BM is a criminal for doing this)....in this situation it was likely better to leave the child in the only world he ever knew and dad visit him in his own environment-- as hard as that is....Unless she is totally unfit as well as grandma.
Sometimes in making things better we think, we only make things worse. The child will always cry out for his other family and culture; what a horrible position you have been placed.
Leaving him with his maternal
Leaving him with his maternal relatives is impossible now. Without his mother there, he will not raised properly. My husband was so desperate to reunite with his son that he didn't really think of how this would end.
I know some of you might
I know some of you might think I’m a bad person but sometimes I wish my stepson had just stayed with his mother.
I don't think you are a bad person at all, I would feel the exact same way.
I know your husband loves his son, but after 10 years, it might have been best to leave him with his mother and come up with an alternative plan, other than taking him from the only life he knew. It would have been different a year or two after she took him but 10 years? Of course, the kid is a mess.
I am so sorry that your family is going through this, it's a tough situation for all of you.
His mother is incarcerated.
His mother is incarcerated. We are stuck in this situation now. I was hoping it would improve with time.
Thanks for saying I'm not a bad person.
Oh, thank heaven, a vision of
Oh, thank heaven, a vision of hope here. At 44 he's a good man with good family relationships. So it can work out.
OP, at 19 I took a semester in Mexico. While I was a grown adult and had eagerly sought out this adventure, it could be exhausting. Trying to follow simple instructions or a simple conversation could really wear you out. I even began to dream in Spanish yet daily life was still grueling.
I wonder if you can acquire some comic books that are very popular in the country she raised him in. Put those in his room just so he can get some mental relief at his own discretion and pleasure. You might even piggyback on this and provide some very simple American food from time to time to accompany a new comic book. Perhaps a chocolate chip cookie, a piece of cheese toast or something along those lines that tend to be universally welcome to teens might be a tiny tiny tiny step forward with him.
Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if you have already tried this.
Mostly I just have sympathy for you and thought I'd mention the thing about mental exhaustion that may be affecting him.
Hi Justforthis. I am so glad
Hi Justforthis. I am so glad you have a positive experience. How long did it take for him to come around? How did they find what he was passionate about?
Hi ChiefGrownUp and SuperJew, We have provided a TV with Spanish channels. We live in a very white area and the next largest minority are Chinese. We even have to go 90 mins away just to get a Spanish speaking therapist.
My husband gets TexMex food for his son but he hates it. But he at least eats some of it.
Okay, so this happened to my
Okay, so this happened to my mom. When she was 3, she remembered waking up one night (Chinese people tended to sleep with kids in the same room) to her father hitting her mother. Her mom disappeared after that. Then one day when she was six, her dad told her to get her things as someone is coming to get her. She gets in a really nice car and is taken to a beautiful house and a really pretty lady was there who pointed to a kids chair and said, "This is your chair, I've been keeping it all this time for you. I'm your mom." Anyway, according to my mom, my "grandma" apparently had cheated on her husband who thought he was her father and then found out that he wasn't (hence she woke up the night he found out), and my grandma ran away to be with my grandfather, and one day my grandpa shows up at this guys house and begs him for the child saying that my grandma would die if she did not have her daughter back. I guess her first husband took pity on her and let them have my mom, who she didn't recognize anyway. My mom is very well adjusted, married my dad and remains married, has me and my sister.
Of course, we don't know if my grandma is really my mom's mom anyway because my mom said when she was in grade school, a lady came around every day for a week telling her she was her mom and to go with her but my mom refused, and finally the lady said, "Now that you're with a rich family, you don't even remember your own mother." and left. But my sister when she was born looked so much like my grandma so I don't know.
Anyway, my grandma ruled her house with an iron fist. Like seriously old school Asian. She didn't care she just ripped this child from the only house she knew, my mom had to fall in line. I don't recommend this, obviously, because it could have turned out bad. I know my mom said for a while as a kid she had an issue with stealing and she always failed her classes and tried to kill herself a few times, like she did it to rebel against my grandma. The results were not pretty. So yeah, it's possible to have an eventual good relationship and a well adjusted adult (like my mom is super well adjusted, she just had a rough childhood). But the kid has to know you love him. That's what my mom said helped her get over everything because even though my grandma's tactics were borderline abusive, my mom said she always knew my grandma loved her for some reason.
Thank you for sharing that. I
Thank you for sharing that. I am sorry your mother went through that. Do you think it might have been easier for your mother because she was younger when she was reunited? We are scared that my stepson has been poisoned for too long.
My stepson does not respect us at all so any discipline is impossible. It makes me very nervous that he won't listen to anything my husband tells him. Right now, I don't even know he believes that we love him.
The boy is 14. You're going
The boy is 14. You're going to get a lot of opposition from him, but it is not too late. He cannot understand what happened now, but you need to be patient. You need stay sane and demonstrate stability to this kid. You also need to be careful. He may run away from home and/or try to return to the other country. This is pretty typical with parental kidnapping. The boy is 14, he can still learn English and he can still get over what happened to him. But it will take time. Continue with therapy and be patient. Maybe learn some Spanish, or get a bilingual housekeeper to help out.
Thank you for the advice and
Thank you for the advice and optimism. We have felt hopeless lately.
I have been learning some Spanish from online. But I barely talk to him right now. I'm learning anyway for the future.
You are right. His mother is
You are right. His mother is his hero and has become a martyr. She has completely poisoned him against us. I am scared my stepson will never forgive us for getting her incarcerated.
How is the relationship between your husband and his children now?
What a very difficult
What a very difficult situation for everyone. I'm so sorry.
You might want to read up on parental alienation. Learn as much as possible. I think there are a few members here who mentioned a Dr Childress (sp) who is a noted expert on the subject, and he might be on YouTube.
DH's youngest daughter was kept from him for six years. We had never met until she came to live with us at the age of fourteen, so I can imagine a little what that must have been like for you. Finding our way certainly wasn't easy, but at least YSD wanted to be with us and knew that her mother was a nutter.
Do you do things as a family yet? We discovered that doing things like camping, roller skating, hiking and so forth helped us get more comfortable. Being out in nature, and especially when all of us were experiencing something for the first time together helped smooth things along.
My husband goes to the park
My husband goes to the park with his son sometimes. They went to a theme park last month and apparently it was disaster and he has been afraid to go out together again.
The last time we went out for dinner together he yelled at us in the restaurant in front of everyone. It was a really bad experience.
How was the relationship with your stepdaughter after a nearly 6 year separation? Did it take long for the ice to thaw?
It was obviously different
It was obviously different from your situation in that YSD wanted to live with us. Her mother is a mentally ill parasite and we offered an escape from that and the poverty they lived in. So, we all wanted to make it work.
I can't begin to imagine how mixed up your SS must be. Teen boys aren't good at expressing themselves verbally at the best of times, and he must have so much anger and confusion bottled up inside. Does he get plenty of opportunity for physical activity? That's a healthy outlet. And do you have any pets? Some kids respond well to animals. A pet of his own might be its own type of therapy, and give your SS a reason to stop running away.
What state are you in, ellise? I've heard of a practice in the Bay Area specializing in serious cases of reunification, such as cases of kidnapping. Have you heard of Jaycee Dugard, who was taken as a child and held captive by a couple for eighteen years? They worked with her and her two daughters, and might be a helpful resource for you.
Lastly, how is your marriage holding up amidst all this drama? Do you prioritize your own needs, as well as those as a couple? It's easy to get lost in the shuffle. My heart goes out to you.
I will. He ignores my
I will. He ignores my daughter and I right now.
I would feel exactly as you
I would feel exactly as you do - you are not horrible!
In your area is there any sort of a local community of people from the same country as your SS? A community center or a sports league or anything like that? Would it be helpful for him to spend some time with people from his "home" country who might be able to help him assimilate? Beyond all the family dynamics, he is probably having problems finding his way in a new country. If that could be eased, maybe some of the family stuff would be easier to deal with.
Is his Mom in jail in the United States or the other country? Has a therapist given you any guidance on how he should stay in touch with her? I would think much of his anger is coming from her being in jail - would it help or hurt for him to be in contact with her?
Is the tutor helping him with English? If not, I would make that a priority. Not being able to clearly communicate is only making things more difficult. Is DH trying to improve his Spanish?
The one thing your DH does need to make crystal clear is the fact that there will be no physical violence - ever. He needs to make SS understand exactly what will happen if he ever lays a hand on you or your daughter. You can't feel afraid in your own home.
This isn't going to make you feel any better, because it is stating the obvious - but it has only been two months.I would try and wait a little longer before considering sending him back. Is that even a possibility?
We live in a very white area
We live in a very white area sadly. The next largest group of minorities are Chinese. We got him a TV with Spanish channels. It's not much but it's the best we could do.
His mother is incarcerated in America. She is 5 hours away. He will be able to visit her in four more months. They do write to each other a lot but my husband reads the letters. They are mostly just complaints about us. At least his mother has been forbidden to badmouth us.
His tutor knows some Spanish and has been working tirelessly to improve his English. He doesn't cooperate and progress has been very slow. Both my husband and I have been learning Spanish independently. My husband already knows some basic Spanish but he has been studying to have longer conversations with his son.
It is impossible for my husband to discipline his son because he has no respect for him. My stepson has only been aggressive with my husband so far. He has pushed and shoulder checked my husband a few times. Although I have not experienced it I still feel a bit scared.
We will wait for sure. My stepson will be with us permanently now. Sending him back is not a possibility. I was hoping for some positive experiences other people might have had to get some hope.
I saw it as acting out of
I saw it as acting out of frustration.....
yes not acceptable at all...
yes not acceptable at all... but I feel for this kid, 2 months from being ripped from his life, family...
he can't be blamed for what BM did.... they do not know what BM told him... and now he's with strangers.
It's a very sad situation and kid can't even express himself in English, not can any one in that house express themselves in Spanish..
Ah-h! There's the rub! You
Ah-h! There's the rub! You see, this is the big secret that no one wants to admit--PAS works.
However, what are you supposed to do? You can't reward it? This boy's mom may be from a foreign country, but it can be done in the USA just about as effectively, even when the parents are in the same town. Do you just say, "Well, the kid's PASd and I guess I better give up my parental rights and let him go and never see him again." You'd basically be rewarding the instigator and there'd be no consequences. Next thing you know, primary custodial parents would be lining up around the block to join the PAS club.
But, l agree. It is definitely hard on the kids, and especially the older they are, if they are ever legally taken away from the controlling, selfish parent. Kids have no idea that they have been PASd. They don't know what that is. They just know their mom (or dad) is being taken away from them. And, I actually don't think even a lot of adult SKs realize when they have been PASd or not. They just go on through their entire lives believing what primary ma or pa told them about how evil the other one was.
All I can say is, you would need a real expert therapist for dealing with this situation. Certified in Blended Families and PAS, if there is such a thing.
poor kid.... and poor you,DH
poor kid.... and poor you,DH and DD.....
not only is this boy very confused, being taken from his home, but he's a teen and struggling with that as well.
Glad I'm not him, or you for that matter.
In your shoes, I would seriously go for Spanish classes, do not treat him as your son, DH need to explain that he lives with him cause the mother is in jail, and she did something illegal, no one's fault but hers. Then simply get SS to help you with your Spanish homework... that might form some sort off bond. Cause you are showing you want to learn.
Any one ever asked SS if he would like to prepare a meal? Remember this kid has to change his whole culture...this is not easy. And 2 months is hardly enough to say anything this transition will take years. Treat him like you would treat an exchange student. Ask him to tell you about his country, his Grans, his Spanish family... these families are very family orientated, maybe he will open up and tell him his Grans sounds like fantastic people... keep your thoughts to your self. Have spanish nights at home, Friday evening or Saturday evening
Teach you DD to greet him in Spanish in the mornings, and say good night in Spanish.... its only beneficial to her to learn a second language... and know what if you pronounce something wrong or say something wrong and SS laughs.. laugh with him
This is the only thing I can think off... teaching each other about languages and cultures... it's the only way we survive in our country (somewhere in Africa)
You and your DH saving this
You and your DH saving this young man's life. I cannot imagine how difficult this has been for all of you including this man.
Take care of you.
Ellise, the PAS specialist I
Ellise, the PAS specialist I mentioned in an earlier post is Dr. Craig Childress. Hope this helps.
I highly doubt the kid will
I highly doubt the kid will be living with you into his 20's. He'll likely head back to his home country as soon as he is able. His mother will be released when he is 17, earlier if there is good behavior or over crowding issues.
It's terrible what happened to your DH having his son ripped away from him like that. It's even worse for the kid to be torn from his country, mother, school, friends ect and be placed in a strange land w/people he doesn't know. This is what happens when parents think they "own" their children rather than seeing them as individuals w/ needs and lives separate from their own.
BM won, she stole *her* child, became his world and erased his father from his life. Your husband won, he got custody of an angry young man who will likely hate him forever for ripping him away from the only life he knew. It seems like no one, professionals, DH, or BM thought any of this through and really considered what was in the best interest of the child.
Well, all I know is as far as
Well, all I know is as far as most people are concerned, what is in the best interest of COD is for step-mom to suck it up and take it. That ain't happening.