Very well said StepAside!

I like your thinking, giving them what they dish out.

I do that too .....and sort of think of it also as giving them what they 'say' they want - if I'm no more than just your father's wife to you, no worries you got it. I will be exactly that. Simply just your father's wife to you

sandye21 you have no idea how right you are

For years, my OSD has simply ignored me during introductions, eventually built up to referring to me as her father's wife, I'm used to it.

But one day, a few years back, I for a change was in the rare position to introduce OSD to some of my friends and co-workers, I will never forget the look of amazement on her her face when I introduced her as my DH's daughter

I was in turn amazed, that she was amazed, I couldn't believe that she couldn't believe I hadn't introduced her as my SD

...I mean come on, after all those years of her not even bothering to introduce me at all, to eventually at best referring to me as her father's wife, yet she actually expected that when introducing her I would gush about how she was my SD and all, and then couldn't believe that
she got nothing more at that moment, then she had given me for all that time

It works two ways

You can't spend years making sure to demean me, then expect that I would be all proud and gushing and falling over backwards about you.

She got what she dished out, but she was clearly taken aback - just like your SD - when she discovered it worked two ways!

I totally understand what you're saying Rags. And I agree. If for example my Mom had met my SF when I was an adult, yes I would probably have introduced him as my Mother's husband.

But I was in my early teens when my Mom met my future SF, and I have always, always referred to him as my SF

My SD's were teen and pre-teen when DH & I met. OSD in particular spent far more time with us, moving in fulltime, not talking to BM at all for some time, DH away 50% of the time on business travel. So I was the one raising OSD and looking after her.

Personally, I know her more than well enough to know that when she refers to me as her father's wife, it is intentionally meant to be an insult.

I don't take it as such. I look at the source and who she is and I look past it. In her case it's not really acceptable, but, it is who she is and so it is what it is.

She is to me at this point, my husband's daughter, and no more.

Works two ways

hahaha sandye21, yes I spent many years with the non-introduction as well. I know exactly what that is like

OSD would say, "this is my father, (DH's name)" and then just leaving it hanging there.

People would look at me uncomfortably, and I would either jump in and say "and I'm Disillusioned" or DH would say "and this is my wife Disillusioned, OSD's SM"

Then OSD built up to doing the introduction like this "this is MY DAD (DH's name)" and then after a long and uncomfortable pause "and his wife, Disillusioned"

I guess we've progressed in that now there is no hesitation, it's just "this is my Dad (DH's name) and his wife Disillusioned"

YSD on the other hand, takes all the tension and confusion out of it all. She says "this is my Dad (DH's name) and without hesitation and with lots of pride "and MY STEPMOM Disillusioned" her way of showing respect and affection I guess

When I introduce them, YSD is without hesitation my SD, OSD is my husband's daughter. Distinct difference.

That is exactly it StepAside. It's funny though, how when the tables are turned, like with sandye's SD, they become so shocked to experience that same lack of connection.

Sometimes, adult skids who like to play that card, are personally taken aback when it is played with them in return - as has been the case with my OSD

I have never once heard my YSD refer to me as her father's wife. She has always referred to me as her SM, on occasion her Mom, and that is the difference between the two of them.

They were not adults when DH & I met, and I've had lots of time with them, as has my family. YSD recognizes this and I don't think it's ever occurred to her to introduce me, or for that matter think of me, as simply her father's wife

OSD, deliberately makes a point of that. And it's her choice. But, considering her age when I came into her life, the amount of time and effort I've put into our relationship, and the involvement I've had in her life. In her case, her reference to me as merely her father's wife, is a direct and deliberate insult...or at least her attempt to make it such.

For my point, unlike DH, I'm beyond the point of caring and I certainly don't cringe when that is how she introduces me, or makes it clear that's how she thinks of me. She is now afterall, the same to me - my husband's daughter and nothing more.

In many cases, I'm sure it's not an insult for an adult skid to refer to his or her SM or SF as their parent's spouse....but in some case, sadly, it's a deliberate attempt to diminish and disrespect the step-parent

In my OSD's case, it is most definitely a deliberate and intentional slight....but I also know that that is who she is, so I take it literally with a grain of salt

Sadly, over years of abuse from her, she has ceased to be anything more to me than my husband's daughter, so whatever affect it originally had on me when she chose to introduce me that way, has ceased to bother me in the slightest

It does still seem to shock DH a little and he does cringe when she does that, then he tries to explain it away so that I won't be hurt. Then I think he gets doubly hurt when I don't so much as even acknowledge it, and let him know by my lack of interest in it that I seriously could care less at this point

It really does all depend on the situation

I know if I had ever introduced my SF as my Mother's husband, my Mom would have kicked me in the butt and it would have been very disrespectful. When my SF introduced me, I was simply one of 'his girls' never, ever, his wife's daughter.

But my OSD, she is a whole different cookie. Lots of angry issues, lots of need to stick it to people, a total manipulator. That's where it's coming from in her case.

Dadswife yes, our OSD's do sound a lot alike!

Yes sandye it always amazes me that our skids are so shocked when they realize it works two ways haha

...the best was when OSGS was born. As he started to walk/talk, people would refer to me to him as Grandma Disillusioned. The people being DH, FIL and even SSIL of coruse. Every single time OSD would correct them and say "Disillusioned"

Eventually everyone got the message I was not to be 'Grandma Disillusioned' to her son, but he and they were to refer to me by my first name only when it came to her son

No big deal to me, I honestly did not expect to be called Grandma anything, more importantly I could care less, if anything I was actually quite happy about it as I had no intention of playing a Grandma role to her child, who I knew without doubt she would only use to hurt me, and eventually turn against me

I never said a word about any of it, certainly never referred to myself as Grandma Disillusioned or anything. I made sure to always refer to myself by my first name only to OSGS, on cards when DH would write it was from Grandpa DH and wanted me to sign too I signed "and Disillusioned"

But then the shock, and severe change from OSD that followed was hilarious

All of a sudden out of the blue she began referring to me as Grandma Disillusioned, making a point of it. DH couldn't figure out the sudden change but I could....OSD had been hoping to hurt me by not allowing her son to call me Grandma, she was emphasizing it and making a huge point about it. When she finally realized that I had hardly noticed hehe, let alone cared, and worse was actually happy to have none of the Grandma responsibility towards her son - she changed her tune. She didn't like that one bit

It was also too much for her to give up using it to play me off BM - something she loves to do.

She still loses because even though her children do call me Grandma, I have never assumed any sort of family or grandmother role with them. I adore them, but to me they are just like a co-worker's kids. Cute and I'm nice to them but they are not my grand-kids. I will not give that to OSD to use to hurt or humiliate me with. I simply smile and wave, and go with flow!

And the funny thing is, OSGS clearly seems to love me to bits, we have a wonderful little relationship together so guess so far I won there haha