Being financially and mentally stressed
I feel ashamed to admit it but most of our issues with my stepson and his mother are my fault, although my sweet husband never says it.
After years of paying tons of child support, we finally got 50 percent custody of my stepson when he was 14. We had even moved to his school district to make this possible. My husband’s support payments went down from 2000 to only 300 a month. It was so much savings that we could finally afford our own child.
But one day, my stepson was using our family computer and saw that my email account was still logged in. He then went through my emails and read everything I wrote to my sister. Those emails were me venting from before the new custody agreement about how greedy my husband’s ex was and how spoiled my stepson was. I did say some very nasty things because I was under a lot of stress and I do feel very bad about it. But I never meant to for my stepson or his mother to see it.
My stepson sent those emails to his mother who also forwarded some of them to my in-laws. I was humiliated. We did a secret paternity test years earlier and I made a comment to my sister how I wish the results said my husband was not the father. This put my husband under fire from my stepson too.
So not even 5 months of 50 percent custody later, my stepson decided he would no longer spend any nights at our house. And since that is how child support is calculated here, my husband’s support went back up to $2500. It went even higher because now my stepson wasn’t even staying the occasional weekend or breaks at our house. Did I mention I was already pregnant by this time?
My husband feels extremely guilty for what has happened and does everything his son wants. My stepson will be at our house for most of the day every alternate week but gets dropped off at his mother’s for the night. And this means that my husband’s support payments won’t get lowered. The few times my husband tried to get support lowered to account for the time my stepson spends with us, his mother said that then we won’t be seeing my stepson at all. So my husband has been paying all the support just to keep his son in his life.
I made a small joke in one my emails about how my husband said he won’t be leaving any money to his son because of everything he spent so far in court and support. We were both joking of course. Now my stepson and his mother have used this as a reason to squeeze my husband dry before he even dies. My husband showed both of them his will which does include his son but they don’t care. Just last year, his ex spent $4000 on unnecessary braces but my husband had no choice but to pay it.
We have been so financially stressed for years now. My husband makes a decent salary but it’s not enough to support two households. Also, add in the fact that our daughter is special needs which means I can only work part time.
The new disaster coming up is my stepson’s college. According to the custody agreement, my husband is responsible for 80% of all undergraduate college costs, and 50% of all graduate college costs. My stepson has applied to three private schools and two state schools. We are waiting to hear about acceptances in March.
My husband has pleaded with his son to choose the state schools because we also have a daughter to worry about. But his ex is in their son’s ear too much. My husband has actually started talking to his parents about borrowing money in case his son picks a private school. That is how stretched thin we are. I cannot believe how much suffering my mistake of not logging out has caused. I feel like I just need to scream. I feel so stressed and depressed.
It was court ordered. They
It was court ordered. They look into both parent's education and their salaries.
No, in NJ it can be ordered
No, in NJ it can be ordered for grad school, law school, med school...there is no end if the "child" stays in school. NJ is awful. In this case, though, it doesn't matter becase DH agreed to it.
Do any of the players in this understand that SS should not have read your private emails? Did he have any consequences for this? How does your DH feel about this? He is OK with playing BM's game of having SS not stay over night? That seems odd. Has DH looked into having the support lowered?
Please tell me you're joking!
Please tell me you're joking! That is awful.
Really wish it was a joke.
Really wish it was a joke. That's one of the reasons DH was sweating it going to court. The fact that we were going for primary of SS14 is what saved his butt. She never even thought to have anything about paying college in the paperwork and her lawyer never thought of putting in anything about DH never trying to claim CS from her.
NJ is harsh!
There were no consequences
There were no consequences for my stepson reading the emails. I did feel my privacy was violated but there was so much chaos from his mother and my in-laws that we never addressed it. I did apologize many, many times to the both of them. It took several months before my stepson even set foot in our house and no one wanted to do anything break the fragile peace we had. But this had the bad effect of my stepson being catered to and getting spoiled even more.
My husband has gone to court three times since and lost all three times. And each time, his son would cut off all contact him for a few months. It was a waste of money going to court. My husband hates this arrangement. But he feels helpless.
The only other thing I could
The only other thing I could suggest is a good therapist. What is really off the rails here, is that SS read your private communications, forwarded them to other people, who then used it against you...this is awful. It seems to me like the spoiled brat has figured out how to manipulate the situation.
Once you have apologized for SS being hurt- there is really nothing more you need to do.
Your DH and inlaws need to understand however, that SS was really in the wrong and he hurt YOU by broadcasting your private communications. It is long past time that they all, including SS, stop punishing you. Hopefully, a good therapist could help set DH on track with this.
SS should have consequences from the adults in his life (DH, in laws and yes, BM).
My husband and in-laws do
My husband and in-laws do understand fortunately. They know how his ex is like. We can't even afford therapy right now.
It's been years now. I think we are all just trying to forget all about it.
Why are ss and BM dictating
Why are ss and BM dictating visitation arrangements? If he hasn't already your husband needs to get in front of a judge and enforce the 50/50 custody agreement. Unless your husband earns well into a 6 figure salary I cannot see why he pays such a huge amount for one child. Again, this needs to go through the state to get properly assessed.
You screwed up. Ss was a snoop. It is not great. If you want to (and haven't already) you could try writing apology letters to those affected by your words. You don't mention it but from the sounds of things your husband is backing you up. I hope he is being very supportive to you and sticking up for you with others as his mess is the reason that you needed to vent in the first place.
They went back to court and
They went back to court and changed custody again. It is no longer 50 percent. It hasn't been for years. Every time my husband went to court since, he has lost and just wasted money on lawyers.
My husband does make decent money. But we also have a special needs child and my stepson has various extra expenses that my husband is responsible for. I can't even help much because I can only work part-time.
I have done emails, handwritten letters and verbal apologies. It hasn't helped much. Mu husband does support me and has never blamed me. But I know he kind of does in his heart.
Then it is time to accept the
Then it is time to accept the situation as it is and to make it work for all of you. If there is less money available for your daughter's education then you and your husband either need to accept that or do something to improve the situation. Because of the divorce and having different parents your ss and your daughter will never be treated exactly the same and never have exactly the same opportunities. It may suck if you see your daughter as missing out, but that is life unfortunately. Having been to court and appologized profusely there is nothing much else to do unless you and your husband want to spend yet more money on taking your ss to family therapy with your husband to help work on their relationship.
Yes, i know our kids won't
Yes, i know our kids won't get the same. I was looking to vent and get some support. It just feels bad.
As I'm dealing with what
As I'm dealing with what looks like that possible eventuality, I am 100% empathetic to you. It just burns so deeply, doesn't it? I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't. Just know that I read your current situation and really feel for you. The wounds that this kind of financial disparity can create can be quite deep, and primal, and lead to feelings of resentment and animosity towards the skid(s), understandably so.
We had a legitimate reason
We had a legitimate reason for the test. I don't need to share those details with you.
Ok... Let's start with the
Ok... Let's start with the blatant disregard for your privacy.
Anyone who validated SS sending those emails out isn't the type of person I'd be apologizing to. Yes, you said some crappy things, but who doesn't when they're talking to someone in private? I know I've talked crap about my stepkid on here, to my sister via facebook, etc. but I love her and those are things I'd never let her know. It sucks that he found those emalis, and it sucks even more that he sent them out, but YOU shouldn't feel bad about this. You did nothing wrong. You vented, like normal people do. SS was totally in the wrong here and his family (BM and in-laws) should be able to see that. Yes, they have a right to be hurt, but they should also be lecturing SS on privacy.
Thank your for your advice.
Thank your for your advice.
Wow, I feel for you. I would
Wow, I feel for you. I would never ever ever want the SD17 to know what I have vented about, to give her more ammunition to hurl at me. Forget about the kids feelings, obviously he was a little hurt at the secret paternity test. But going as far as to forward them to BM and others, that was a hideous thing to do. Such a huge violation! And I get uncomfortable when my Skids overhear something and then ask what we were talking about. I could not even imagine what you went through.
Financial burdens being what they are, your DH is going to have to live with his mistakes that he made with BM. There are no "do-overs" when it comes to children, unfortunately, no "take backs", no time traveling.
Good luck!
Ouch. As soon as that kid
Ouch. As soon as that kid found out about the paternity test, I don't think there was much either of you could do to repair the relationship or minimize the fallout. The kid knows the reason for the test was so that his dad, a person he loved and who he thought loved him, wanted to prove he was not the father to stop paying for him and to probably not be a part of his life anymore.
Private university and grad school, here you come.
O/T sort of but throwing it
O/T sort of but throwing it out there again...... this is another reason why you have always have password on your phone and yet another reason why you don't ever let any one use your account on your computer. You set up a new user account so there is no way they have access to anything you might leave open, previous searches, etc.
I understand what you're
I understand what you're saying, but to me, it sounds like everyone has seen these emails distributed by SS and holding them above her head making her beg for forgiveness, yet nobody has addressed the fact that someone opened up her PRIVATE email and read every word, then forwarded it over to someone else. That is not okay. Who cares WHAT she was talking about, it's not okay.
I don't side with SMs because they're SMs, I side with them when it makes sense. I think a lot of the crap people say and do to their SKs is sad and pathetic. I side with the poor kids who didn't choose the situation more often than not. But in this situation, SS CHOSE to snoop. He CHOSE to look for something and he CHOSE to send it out. OP didn't do anything wrong writing them to begin with.
I mean, yeah, she could've been more careful in what she was saying. I wouldn't say anything near as harsh about my own SD because I do love her, but I've said some crappy stuff and I'm fortunate SD or DH don't snoop because they know snooping is wrong. If I'm talking to my sister or friend online, I don't often think twice about people I live with snooping through that conversation.
Thank you lucy91.
Thank you lucy91.
Lucy has been here for five
Lucy has been here for five years so I sincerely doubt she's the one with a fake profile.
I'm having to censor myself
I'm having to censor myself big time on this one. I have nothing nice to say so I'm not saying anything.
But it is so annoying when people use your instead of you're. Ugh.
Well, my husband knows I was
Well, my husband knows I was talking to my sister about this since she told us how to get the paternity test done. She works in the field. Both my husband and I have vented to each other and our siblings. Sometimes in front of each other.
At the end of the day, my husband still supports me and hasn't blamed me for anything. And we 100 percent trust each other. It is what it is.
What do you think I'm doing
What do you think I'm doing now? I get to vent. But it's not like I'm doing anything to them. Give me a break.
I agree. Skid likely didn't
I agree. Skid likely didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with this type of stuff. I am guessing he didn't intentionally start out looking for a way to snoop, but when faced with the opportunity he couldn't help but look.
Shoot, my EX used my computer to have chat sessions with the woman he was having an affair with. If you share an electronic device you can't have an expectation that what happens on it will remain private. Should he have read it? no.. but what if he opens it up and sees an email with the header "paternity". Surely the kid understood what that word meant and let's be honest, in his place, we would have all read the stuff.
What should have happened at the time is SM should have fallen on her sword and apologized and said that sometimes people say things in private that they certainly wouldn't want made public and honestly don't always mean. Dad should have told son that he never doubted that his son was his but legally his lawyer insisted on having everything documented. Unfortunately, it will be really hard for the kid to forgive at this point.
Spying is wrong, but I don't think that was necessarily his intent was it?
If he had just looked at my
If he had just looked at my inbox, it would have been ok. But he searched by inbox for his name and the word divorce. So all my old emails showed up from nearly a year prior.
I don't think he cared about
I don't think he cared about your Amazon orders. He only cared about stuff that had to do with him. And the stuff he found was pretty awful.
True, but this was a 14 year
True, but this was a 14 year old. They don't make the best decisions and if they had access, this is what I would expect them to do.
This was after we knew the
This was after we knew the results and there were two other men involved. Please stop being cruel for no reason.
I'm so sorry. I didn't know
I'm so sorry. I didn't know that.
Oh I absolutely feel bad for
Oh I absolutely feel bad for the kid. It sucks to find out how deeply someone you live with dislikes you. That's really, really sad. Especially the part about the paternity test. I'm not saying he's wrong to feel the way he does. It's heartbreaking when you think of it from his perspective. But maybe next time he won't snoop. Everyone in this situation is in a really tough place now.
I don't dislike him. I made a
I don't dislike him. I made a few comments a year before he even moved in when we were in the middle of a very nasty custody battle. I have done a lot for my stepson over the years. And he only ever been disrespectful to me. And this was before he saw the emails. I get to vent you know, I'm only human. I never wanted him to see it though.
We all vent. We're all here
We all vent. We're all here because we vent. I've said some crap things about SD to my family members before. I think it's crappy that it backfired on you when it shouldn't have. Nobody's private conversations should backfire on them but it happens. I feel so much for you and the boy right now. Just know I don't think you're a bad person for this and I don't think anyone else here does either.
xoxo
Thank you.
Thank you.
In five months, the ex was
In five months, the ex was able to get in front of a judge and have the custody order changed and child support adjusted? And why did this kid get to dictate when he was going to visit? Why didn't your husband just say "Son, you don't get a choice. Get in the car." I'm confused on why your husband didn't just make him visit.
It's pretty tough to get in
It's pretty tough to get in front of a judge in 5 months time. And not all states let kids dictate visitation.
Just sounds odd, that's all.
We had him 50 percent for 5
We had him 50 percent for 5 months. Then he went over to his mother's house and refused to visit. My husband voluntarily start paying almost $2000 a month while his ex started proceedings to change custody back. About two months later, my husband was able to convince my stepson who started visiting us but only for the days. He never stayed the night. When we finally went to court, we basically had the current visitation put into paper at my stepson's and his mother's request. It was not official until almost 8 months after he left. But my husband stayed current on child support voluntarily so we wouldn't get a sudden back child support order.
You got caught talking bad
You got caught talking bad about the skid. There's a good lesson to be learned somewhere in all of this and it is what it is; there's no turning back. I think you should apologize to the boy and his father. I think it was unfair of your husband to ask his son to consider your child when it comes to financial support and college. He shouldn't hold back on his opportunities because y'all decided to have another child. I'm afraid things won't get better. Those emails put a huge trench between you and the boy and your partner is having to go back and forth to keep from losing either of you. You're right, it is a huge mess but all you can do is leave the boy alone to let him heal, let him choose the college he wants even if it's whatever BM is telling him and try your best to make a decent life for your child.
DH should stop it all
DH should stop it all immediately ..... BM can threaten him but there's things like the law you know....
He should make sure that his visitations is per CO.... regardless of what SS says.... SS is manipulating the whole issue
and Hon do not feel bad, i can guarantee you SS went snooping on the computer, he was looking for some info to keep over your head, stop feeling guilty, no one is blaming you.... DH should not feel bad either, it's a simple case of SS snooping in your private stuff and that's rude... time for DH to teach his ex a lesson or 2 about laws
Why isn't your DH demanding
Why isn't your DH demanding and taking his CO'd time with the kid? The kid does not get to decide when he will stay with his father. Only his father can choose to not have the kids on overnights that he is allotted in the CO.
Time for DH to man up and give his son and XW clarity.
Yes, your leaving your email open was unfortunate but not the cause of the increase in CS. Your DH failing to hold his X and the 15yo accountable for complying with the CO and enforcing that SS spend the nights as stipulated in the CO is what caused the CS to increase.
DH needs to get his attorney fired up and get this ridiculous CS change addressed and the undergrad cost element addressed ASAP. At least he needs to push to get a limit set on the undergrad costs in order to prevent SS from going for half a dozen Associates or Bachelor's degrees. Something along the lines of "80% of undergrad costs for pursuit of 4 years of undergraduate studies at an in state public college or university." That limits SS to only 4yrs of school (No Rags 11yr undergrad plan :O )and caps DH's costs to what they would be at a state school if SS chooses a top tier very expensive private school.
DH can't wait, he needs to get on this immediately. If he has the money to pay this kind of CS he should have the money for a killer attorney.