Newbie-please help!!!!!! Family issues!!!!
Good evening! I'm going to start by letting everyone know I am new to this site and will appreciate any opinions or advice you are willing to give me. So here is my story.......
I'm 34 years old and I became a widow at the age of 30. My late husband and I had two daughters now ages 12 and 5. After my husband passed away I started dating an acquaintance of his. We moved in together 3 years ago, were engaged to be married in August of 2015 and separated back in July of this year. We separated for many reasons on both of our parts. Our relationship was rocky. We fought quite often even in front of the kids. He has a 9 year old boy as well that he has full custody of. Our families didn't fit together well because of differences in parenting tactics. He allowed his boy to be rude, disrespectful , and obnoxious and I tried to raise my girls to be polite and respectful therefore I wanted his boy to follow the rules of the house. It was very trying at times and caused a lot of animosity. His son's mother has been an on again off again kind of parent. So I feel like he just let his son do and act however he wanted because of the things his own mother put him through. To me that's was just an excuse. We also had issues with us both being stubborn. It became pretty bad and I began to feel unappreciated and very distant. I emotionally cheated on him. Which I know wasn't the right thing to do and it made our situation worse. On both sides....his parents don't like me much anymore and my parents hate him as well as my sister which we are currently living with. I also think that some of our issues came from me not being in the right state of mind from my husband passing. I think I was still grieving and just wasn't myself. I have been seeking counseling since early September for that as well.
So here is the current situation. We have been talking to each other again since the beginning of September. Everything is going well between the two of us. We both love each other and want to be together and both want to seriously work on our relationship to make it work and have had many many discussions to figure out how to make this work. I want to move back in with him and make this work but my family will make my life hell. They are very controlling and judgmental. He wasn't invited over for Thanksgiving which made me angry with my family but I didn't want to show that emotion in front of everyone so I just kept to myself. My oldest daughter has also expressed that she doesn't like him very well to my family but doesn't act like it when she is with him and I think she likes to play both. My sister acts like she belongs to her. My dd doesn't act like a brat or anything but I think she tells them what she thinks they want to hear. So I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what to do. Do I move back in after the first of the year and just allow everyone to get over it? I don't want to make the holidays bad for my kids or anyone else and I also don't want to make the wrong decision. I just don't understand why everyone is acting so crazy! It's so confusing. There's so much more I could say but I didn't want to make it longer than it already is so please feel free to ask me anything!
Give yourself and your
Give yourself and your children the gift of living on your own for a few years.
Choose to date your BF, talk every day, spend time when you can get babysitters, have sleepovers when family can watch your kids, ease into occassional joint outings but continue to live apart. I'm not saying to not date anyone til the kids are out of the house, but slow down since there are so many redflags and a boatload of negative experiences.
I get the sense that you rushed into a rocky relationship and then chose to expose your children to a lot of nonsense. They are children who have lost their father, and likely emotionally lost their mother while she was pursuing her "love."
Moving back in would be a foolish, selfish move.
I was curious WHY your family
I was curious WHY your family did not like your boyfriend. Are there good reasons for your family to dislike him that you are not paying attention to, or are you one of the unfortunate that has a disapproving family no matter what?
I think they don't like him because he was selfish and had poor parenting tactics. He was never mean to my dds. He provided them a roof over their heads. The only expenses I had were groceries. He paid all other bills. They didn't think he supported my dd playing sports. However I feel like some of that was because I didn't allow him to bc I didn't think it was his place to take their fathers place. I definitely take some blame for that one. I wouldn't say I was one of the unfortunate ones that parents disapprove of everything however they seem to be very unforgiving if something happens that they disapprove of.
With all that being said we haven't lost contact since we split up in July, we just started dating again in September so we have had some additional time to discuss changes that have to happen on both our parts. I have noticed a big difference so far.
Here is the strange part though my oldest dd seems to have a really good time when all of us are together....so that is something that doesn't make sense.
I think you are lonely! It is
I think you are lonely! It is understandable. If your marriage was solid and it was a good marriage, it might feel like you will never again have it. It is hard to date, but so much more difficult to date with kids. And ten times harder with kids and skids in the mix.
I honestly believe that SO moved out for a good reason. I think he is in your past, (from everything you write and your BD's opinion etc.) But you need to say goodbye. And that is tough when you feel like you may never have that special someone again, and you are not used to being alone. It is harder for you than for a divorced parent. Because we have our exDH coming by for drop offs and pick ups and court and we are reminded, even when totally single, that we DO NOT want to get back on that ride again. But you may only have good memories (which is usually what is left once someone passes.)
You may be still grieving and the same for your kiddos. My advice, and I do not know you well, is to find happiness here and there where you can find it. Find it frequently. Join a bowling league or a club where you can meet new people and get out of your home and your mind a bit. It will make you less lonely and you will be better able to make decisions.
oh dear - No one ever told
oh dear - No one ever told you, If it did not work out the first time it never will work out, rather stop wasting time...
Get your own place for you and your children, find out who you are and enjoy life as a single lady for a while, do fun stuff and just be you, this way you will know better what you want from the future... remember this man has not changed, his son has not changed and his parenting way will never change.... regardless of what he says - it will be 3 months and then you are back where you are now... you really want to relive the past over and over again...
Just forget about him and invest in you, you do not need a man to be complete
I was 38 when I lost my first
I was 38 when I lost my first husband. We were together for 20 years. It was hard and I was lonely. My greatest fear was being left alone but I waited 4 years before I started dating seriously. I went out a couple of times for a coffee, but I needed that time to find myself again. Time to heal.
Any advice that I would give to someone in that same situation I was put in, is to take some for yourself and allow your self to heal. Don't move back in with him at this point. You may find that the relationship you have with this man in your life right now is due to loneliness you are blinded by it. You might not be able to see that this man may not be good for you but your family can.