Step mom guilt? I'm new here...
So this makes sense. This forum. I don't have any step mom friends and it would be nice to get a few more opinions. Forgive me if I struggle to find the words to explain what I'm looking for. But here goes:
So I'm a BM and a SM. I have sole custody of my child and my husband has raised him since he was 3. My stepson, we have full custody of, and he's 8. I've raised him since he was 2.
SO as I google things tonight, I find a lot on step mom boundaries. But I raise this child. And yes, I treat him as my own. I don't see any other way to do it? But will always be hated by bio mom for it.
Bio mom of my step son never shows up for him. Never attends class parties, field trips, soccer games, practices, nothing. This doesn't necessarily make her the devil. It just makes her disappointing. To me. To my stepson. But he loves her, and of that I am proud and I am comfortable.
Recently, bio mom lost her house. Her husband was arrested and put on the news with felony charges. Bio mom and step dad have lost WAY too much weight to be clean. Bio mom has failed all drug test we have ever asked her to take. Normally loratabs and things of that nature. This time, we feel its possibly cocaine, aderol, or a mixture. These are our assumptions.
We were supposed to have court for sole custody (she would get every other weekend supervised visitations for 2 hours at a time) but she didn;t show up for court. The judge allowed a continuance and it has been rescheduled for December.
So here's my issue. She typically is VERY. VERY. Mean. I have not responded to a text message from her for over 6 months because I have decided to disengage from her. I found a new book by the way, which all would benefit- "Let go now". It's been wonderful for me. But tonight- I struggle. See, we have temporary sole custody of my step son and his mother hasn't seen him in a few months. Hasn't asked to talk to him and initially, wasn't even showing up to get him. I know he is safer here. I know he is okay (I started taking him to a counselor to be sure). He never talks about her, he is always happy...
But she sent me a text begging for her child back just a week ago. Saying malicious things within the text of course. Saying she has not done anything to deserve not to see her child and that I am pretty much the devil. I did not respond. And I don;t understand why she doesn't text these things to my husband. Why me? Why does she think that I drive the bus on this? Is she trying to make me feel bad? I assume yes, because this text was out of character and out of the blue...
So my struggle is this. My heart hurts. That I help in the decision process of having filed for sole custody. Of taking a child from his mother. But I do know it is the right thing. I do know that the blessing of my husband seeing his child all of the time and being able to raise him in a safe, loving environment- is from God.
But then why, does my heart weight heavy? Why do I lay awake tonight thinking , " what if it were me" ? Which is wouldn't be. Because I would never give ANYONE reason to EVER take my child from me. I want my step son and his mothers relationship to be strong. But only she can make that happen! I want her to fight for her child. To get a job. To get a place to live. To be an ADULT.
I just want to stop carrying her guilt as my own.
Find BSgoinon's blogs and
Find BSgoinon's blogs and read them. She has been where you are and she is a wonderful example of how to handle a difficult situation.
I realize this is easy for me to say and hard for you to do - but quit feeling guilty. You have done nothing to feel guilty about. You are giving your SS the only chance he has to live a normal life.
Ignore BM's attempts to make contact with you. Let your DH deal with her.
You sound like you are a loving woman trying to do right by a child. Good luck.
I will look up BSgoinon's
I will look up BSgoinon's blogs now. I appreciate the direction!
Your comment,"SO as I google
Your comment,"SO as I google things tonight, I find a lot on step mom boundaries. But I raise this child. And yes, I treat him as my own. I don't see any other way to do it?" resonated with me, because I too think this is one of the catch-22s when women say things like, "It is not your child, stay back, let DH handle everything, etc." I mean, really, especially in situations like yours where BM is a mess, what are you supposed to do, tell your husband take care of the kid himself while you go off shopping and eat chocolate bon-bons. If you have a heart, and you have a strong one, of course you are going to want to mother the child.
You feel for BM, above, which is okay. But, remember she is being manipulative. I've never met a drug addict who wasn't. Like another poster stated, let go of your guilt regarding this.
But, remember, at the end of the day, BM is this child's BM, and be prepared that at some point, SS may want to connect with her, whether 2 years from now or 20, etc. Best of luck to you. I can tell you have a good head on your shoulders. Here is another link you may be interested in: http://www.writtenvoices.com/article_display.php?article_id=872
Also, unfortunately you need to be somewhat leery of SM advice, as much of it, especially older stuff and even from so-called professionals, can be written by men or women who have never been a SM, have no clue of what it is like, and only are looking at things from the bio perspective. Some even promote a not so thinly veiled attitude that SM is an intruder in the real family and don't even take SM feelings into consideration at all.
You're absolutely right about
You're absolutely right about there being mixed advice out there! As I read through more and more stories here, I'm realizing in each situation it really DEPENDS. There are so many moving pieces to a blended family and what works for one certainly may not work or be necessary for another.
I certainly think there's a manipulation going on. She hasn't even called to talk to SS8 in months and I had hopes she would attempt on Halloween to talk to him and let him know she was at least thinking of him. But instead, after he was in bed (9pm) DH got a text from her that "the LEAST he could do was send her a picture of SS8 from Halloween". She hasn't seen him or spoke to him on Halloween for a few years. But once again, she looks to place the blame (and attention) in the wrong direction. He didn't send her a picture because:
a. it was late to be texting
b. she could have asked earlier in the night
c. the attitude it was sent with
I personally think the picture should be sent. Today, when DH gets off of work. Any thoughts on this?
"what if it were you"? It
"what if it were you"? It would NEVER be you! This woman has CHOSEN a life of addiction to deadly substances over her SON. Yes, in moments of clarity she might feel guilt and I'm sure her mother's love is buried in there somewhere.. hence the text messages. She sounds like she is trying to reach out to you to let her see her son on one hand, but then hating you for being the mother she should have been on the other. She doesn't know her own mind, let alone have the state of mind to raise a child.
Which sounds like a job you are doing brilliantly. Don't let her make you feel bad, stand proud and congratulate yourself on being the absolute best kind of SM: One who truly cares for their Skid and does the absolute best for them. You are a rare and wonderful breed and I think you sound brilliant
Thank you so much. I don't
Thank you so much. I don't talk to others about our struggls with this because honestly, if you aren't a step parent- who would understand? I do see a counselor for it so that I have time to vent and bounce ideas off someone. That way, it's not living and breathing in my home. What you said "hating you for being the mother she should have been" hits home for me and hard. My only alternative in this situation is to what? Treat my SS8 and my BS9 differently? Who would do that? Why would anyone want me to do that to SS8? I'm sure BM would want me to treat him just the way I am. But as you said, it's probably hard to watch someone else that reminds you of who they should be. But I will continue to tell myself, that's her choice. HER responsibility. Mine is to love and care for the children in my home . Period.
Its NOT you. You didn't do
Its NOT you.
You didn't do this to BM. She did this to herself
Clearly the judge and legal system felt that for the child's well being, it was best.
How would your heart feel if she had her son, and he was at the house when one of her drug situations went wrong and he was harmed or hurt or killed.
You would feel worse that you didn't take him from her and protect him.
Don't feel bad about him being separated from his mother, feel confident that your protecting him from her poor choices.
Oh wow. You're absolutely
Oh wow. You're absolutely right! If the tables were turned I would be MISERABLE and worried ALL of the time. And like DH and I always say, it's not about how DH, ME, OR BM feels. It's always about the child. No matter how we feel.
That does sound very similar.
That does sound very similar. Eight months ago when I was trying to give BM some school pictures of SS8 it turned into a nasty one-sided argument totally off topic and twisted into nothing related to the original topic. As most conversations have always went with her (in my experience). That moment I had a wake up call and realized I was ALWAYS the loser in those battles. Every time I tried to do what I felt I would want done for me, it was twisted, manipulated into something it wasn't. I was always the bad guy and it killed me every time! I decided then to not interact with her anymore and I haven't! Not one single text response, phone call, nothing. I even pressed charges for "cyber stalking" because I asked her not to contact me anymore. She's been arrested a few times for it and I had to press them again recently. But I don't respond. I don't "pull on the rope".
Back to the old saying -
Back to the old saying - "When someone shows you who they are believe them."
When a parent (BM or BD) totally shows their ass - don't try to cover it up. Most of us really want to believe that there is goodness within even the most vile person - but sometimes it just isn't there.
Children should be protected from bad things - and sometimes that bad thing is their bio parent. If BM is just a worthless POS you should not try to pretend that she is not.
That's actually one of my
That's actually one of my favorite sayings. Good reminder! I do want her to be better and to be her best. But you're right that's in her own time and God's plans for her. I don't have any control over that.
Your situation resembles mine
Your situation resembles mine alot, only my SDs BM isn't involved in drugs. It truly is heartbreaking to see a mother so detached from her child and even harder when you love that child as your own. What BM is doing is trying to make you feel guilty and trying to put a wall up between you and your SS because she realizes how she has been acting but can't accept responsibility for her own actions. Don't let this work.
As others have said there are so many moms both step and bio that will try to tell you that you shouldn't be involved as much as you are and that you're over stepping boundaries. But like you said you have been raising this child and you care about this child. The way I look at it what harm can it do to have another person in this kids life that loves them and cares about them. Youre absolutely doing everything right. So if you get anyone who tells you differently, ignore them. You're doing great!
Oh I feel for you. It's so
Oh I feel for you. It's so hard to be in relationship with people who are a mess...& your BM certainly is a mess right now.
One thing that has helped me in situations like this is to let myself feel sad. Which sounds trite but, for me, sometimes I have to stop judging or being annoyed at all of the annoying things going on & just feel sad for them for a bit. Feel sad for who she might have been, all she's missing out on & whatever led her to make the choices she's making now.
Then I decide how I will honor said person. Only speak well of them except to a few trusted confidants? Do something nice for so & so at the holidays? Or just pray for this person (like for them, not just fixing them - again, this is me)?
And then it's boundary time. What boundaries do I need to protect my people, time, energy, money, etc. so I can be me & love my people? And it's easier for me, as a chronic people pleaser & situation fixer, to enforce those boundaries because I've got clarity now having taken the time to feel sad for & then honor them.
My mom is someone I've had to do this with because, as much as I love her, it's just hard to be in relationship with her sometimes. And she loves to throw guilt at me. Once I figured out the above, the guilt didn't stick. I'd separated it from the sadness & discarded it. Because, at the end of the day, whether or not we take accountability for them, we all make our own choices.
Hope this helps you keep on keeping on & carve out more room for joy. You're a lovely person. Glad you shared.